Things are NOT going well with moving to Valencia. money is a problem. car is a problem, and no one is replying to me about these housing options. :( please pray

growing up sucks and i’m stilllll not doing it right

everything you missed and i neglected to post about in all these past months: Also, went to Young Life summer camp with my high schoolers before I left and it was the best week of my life.
I have moved away from Richmond and am currently in my parents' kitchen in Colorado. Yes it was sad to leave, and Colorado is alright, and things are becoming more and more unsure about my plans to move to Valencia- barely moving... but moving, somewhat, I guess, kind of.

(I'm moving to Valencia to audit classes at CalArts or take classes other places in LA with CalArts professors, and reapplying to CalArts character animation. I have no guarantee that I will get in. My friends, family and I have all been praying for a year on where I should move from Richmond and this is where it all has brought me)

Praise God cos i finally sold my washer and drier, allthough it was for way less than i wanted :( but i guess it’s for the right people andddd i hope blablhblah,.

feeling really really really badly about myself lately on pretty much every level of my self esteem.

realized a couple days ago how much i SHOULD NOT live by myself in Valencia, realizing that when i spend too much time away from people my age, I start getting really bad anxiety when put back into social situations. also it helps to be around motivated people, especially students, because i can honestly get pretty lazy and messy and i don’t want to just hide it in the comfort of my own room.

i am NOT an adult :( i have so much to sort out in myself. How am I going to do this portfolio in a semester. I feel extremely discouraged. I know God has my back, but it’s so freaking exhausting not knowing what’s going on, literally ever. I don’t even know when I’m going out to Valencia anymore because of my Dad’s business trip Aug 1-4… I’m so unprepared, now that I realize how I really need to/want to live with people my age, and how truly immature and not ready I am for any of this, yet I’m doing it anyway. I am feeling really alone lately and I hate this wall of such an immature trait in myself when it comes to bible study. I’m SCARED at how unprepared I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, academically for this next year. I am clinging to God because only he can get me through this and give me anything good at all. because if I didn’t have that hope, I’d be making the most idiotic, hopeless, pointless move ever. I hate putting hope in myself because it always starts to feel rotten in my heart, i’m feeling so extremely stupid lately, uneducated, uninformed, uninspired.

just as always I am back to having NO IDEA what i am doing with my life. I am aiming for animation at CalArts because I have nothing else. I am going to apply to other schools, still, but I don’t think I am going to be happy just learning animation and not the whole storytelling crap. I would think about film school but i don’t know. for now i just feel kind of fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, young, unaccomplished, self conscious. I don’t feel like a failure. I just feel very, very, very LOST and confused.

please pray for me, pray that I will FIND ROOMMATES that I can love, and will love me, and that we can bring out the best in each other, somehow, inspire each other- it’s so late in the game but i KNOW God can provide!! HE ALWAYS has been so so so faithful to answer roommate prayers in the past- I am just desperate for answers soon!!

please pray for inspiration, the right drawing class(es) to take, that they’d be affordable, that I would LEARN LIKE NEVER BEFORE!! that it would turn my world upside down and bring out something DEEP in me… that i would truly, truly truly change, and immerse myself in good things, good books and comics and movies and shows, and find what I like and have meaning in everything I do. I don’t want to make vain art.

PLEASE PRAY that I finally overcome this extraordinarily embarrassingly senseless problem I have with reading the bible. That I would find the right church, the right bible study, and that I would have th holy spirit and the teaching to point me to how to have a deep personal relationship with God’s word. PERSONAL** being the key word.

please pray that I find a job that actually pays a lot and provides for all my needs, that can inspire me, that I can learn from, where i can meet people who can be my friends and vice versa, that i can have meaningful relationships with all my coworkers. i have never really had to pray to God for money like THIS before, but i DO NEED MONEY.

please pray that I can get the right car. me and my dad are trying to figure this out now. i think a lot of when i can even get out to Valencia rests on when I can get this car, cos we are driving out there.

PLEASE PLEASE PRAY THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO POUR EVERYTHING INTO THIS PORTFOLIO! I”M SO FREAKING TIRED OF NOT BEING IN SCHOOL AND BEING AIMLESS!!! PRAY FOR DIRECTION, DRIVE AND HOPE!! I pray that I lay down all of my sin and anxiety and not listen to what Satan tells me I am, or can’t be, and listen to what Jesus promises - that i can do all things through him who gives me strength. I also pray that all of this business, fear, doubt, and self-deprecation, would only be a phase, and that I would be on fire for the kingdom of God above all things, and that would be my drive for all of this. that i would not put my hope in myself, a school, a portfolio, car, class, job, or roommate, but only in Jesus.

thanks guys and I will continue to try to keep you guys posted regularly on answers to prayer and stuff. i love you guyss