currently trying to take a fb hiatus/tumblr hiatus because i realized it was making my brain seriously rot.
1.) visited santa clarita/L.A./CalArts and felt a very deep sense of love and belonging in the area, which i was not expecting at all (i could hardly picture any bit of this next step happening, could barely daydream about it)
2.) visited CalArts and was also astounded by how much i liked the campus and everything about the school i saw, which i was also not really expecting. went on a tour, and later barely got time of the character animation counselor, who spent time talking with me about my portfolio, and discussed news that all the reasons/opportunities i was planning to move to the area for, basically do not even exist anymore because a certain drawing professor died who was fine with audits, and even hosted life drawings on weekends open to nonstudents and such- and he offered an online portfolio workshop taught by a calarts professor. got very explicit advice, "if it's for connections with the industry, even getting a job- that's fine, but if i were you, i would NOT move to LA if it's just for CalArts."
3.) felt and knew in my heart that God was saying, "No" to this big move that I've been hoping in for so long. i suddenly was facing staying in colorado for a whole year with my family, which i perceived (and still, somewhat perceive) as my biggest nightmare. i felt anger, i thought i was mad at God but after a little while i realized i knew better than to be mad at God, because he obviously knows better than me, and that'd be ridiculous. however, i discovered an intense hate for myself, and frustration at myself. it's been really hard being disconnected from all of my christian friends, and it's been even harder trying to explain to people that God shut this door for now. i feel like i have lost my vision for now. I am having a hard time remembering the passion i had for this move before i left because i'm facing a great deal of doubt in myself - wondering, do i even want to do art? should i do art? have i been lying to myself all this time? along with a great deal of paranoia about my art even being worthwhile. anyway i won't go into much more detail but basically i just cracked open a huge lot of hate for myself that i have been sidestepping, telling God that I honestly don't know what brought me here- was it my pride or faith in you?
4.) God really did bless this trip in incredible ways, such as the timing to the airport- i left my phone in the car, so we missed our flight, after being blessed with the very front parking spot in a couple-acre large extended-stay parking lot (very cool) and southwest let us fly on the later flight for free - which was within their policy, but it was still just a very stressful venture of being reminded the whole trip taht God was in control. my Mom and I prayed before everything, including walking into stores & restaurants, gas stations to buy maps, blah blah.
We also were blessed with a few divine appointments-
first- we visited John MacArthur's church, Grace Community Church, and i awkwardly chatted up a couple in the visitor's lounge, and the husband said he was just visiting for the day, but he typically went to a church called Bel Air Presbyterian, which specifically ministered to the entertainment industry (and the majority of the congregation have jobs in the industry.) that pumped me up because i wasn't expecting to hear that music in my ears, ministry to the entertainment industry.
we visited that church in the evening.
second- my friend David, who wrote one of my letters of recommendation, who works for dreamworks, went to calarts and is also a Christian, so happened to have a Christian, female friend who had a room in her apartment up for rent (which was thrilling to me. all the housing options i had left felt very unsafe/sketchy/were really far away/didn't feel right) . although at this point i was starting to feel that God had already dropped the ball, i guess he wasn't finished blessing our trip in intentional ways. I visited David's friend, Holly, who lived in a neighborhood right beside CalArts. She showed me around and we chatted for some time- she was 10 years older than me when i thought she was only 3 years older than me. even though i shared with her i wasn't positive i was moving to the area any longer, she was just a great breath of fresh air, was encouraging and extended a genuine contact of friendship next time i was in the area. Holly was SO. AWESOME.
third- weirdest one, but my mom and i were in starbucks the last day of our trip, and right as my mom was going to leave me to run an errand, a woman my mom's age sits down two tables away, in tears, and asks mom to please sit with her. The woman poured a sugar packet into her mouth and was drinking some fluid- she was just having a bad bloodsugar crash and was afraid she would faint. mom checked her pulse and sat with her while she collected herself, and they already seemed like they clicked as friends in a span of 10 minutes. anyway, we all got talking and it turned out the woman was a Christian and went to that church, Bel Air Pres- and just had several rooms in her house open up for rent. she had a 15 yo daughter, and two sons who both were in christian colleges in LA. we shared info, and a few hours later, my mom and i found ourselves in the beautiful secluded mountains of northern LA praying to God that this family wouldn't be murderers or anything, because it was such a weird happening that we were where we were. anyway, we visited the house and it was extremely beautiful. I met her daughter and one of her sons. even though it was likely i would not ever live there, it was an extraordinary detour just to make some real friends, especially her son Josh, who offered to help me find friends next time i was in the area. (who, by the way, is the reason why [besides the Almighty God of the Universe having other plans for me this year] i would probably definitely never live there because he was way too cute)(and also he said he dated the niece of one of the creators of phineas and ferb)(who are also christians)(he also offered to introduce me)(cool)
5.) with all of those opportunities at CalArts no longer available, it became evident the cost of me living in California completely outweighed the benefit. though God gave me an extremely good view of the area, and made me fall in love with it, i just guess it's not time yet.
i'm back in colorado, feeling somewhat like i have no idea who i am or what i'm doing or why im doing anything
i want to have a soberminded look at myself. i want to know if i can do this, and i don't want to waste anymore time. i was having a great deal of anxiety this whole trip about how i look very young and no one takes me seriously- mixed with the embarassment that i'm 21 and i still have nothing to show for the past 3 years of school.
honestly, all i really want is to go to CalArts and LEARN things, and be around other artists who inspire me and make me feel small/humble in a healthy way. i'm applying to other colleges, but im going through the same notions as a highschool senior (which my little brother will be this year, by the way) , the notions i never went through because i was literally handed VCUarts on a platter, after thinking i would have no future (especially not in art)
it's just going to be very difficult, and a huge challenge to stop looking so much at myself, and my shortcomings and limits, and CONTINUE to look at the unfailing love and hope in Jesus Christ. I want to be the best I can be, but i find myself foolishly being afraid i'll never be the best- which is an idol, and it really is hurting me. As I'm spending time alone out here in Colorado, with my family all day, my thoughts drift to Richmond, and without even trying, just replay all these stupid, embarrassing, mean or weak things i did to/in front of people. i wonder about how stupid/naive people secretly see me as- when the truth is i will probably never see a ton of them ever again!
anyway. everything said, i still want to remember everything God has done in my life and given me an excitement for- and that's glorifying God and trying to reflect his light in the midst of darkness.
all i know right now is to keep trying to achieve my dreams/vision of being an artist, but sometimes i still just don't know. I'm clay in his hands. i really need to listen to him and spend time in the Word, but that has always been so hard for me, because i always have so much doubt that i'm going to hear him loud and clear . i don't have a bible study yet. i'm blessed to have 2-3 friends here , though i seldom see them.
i'm going to try to take the CalArts portfolio prep course, and take an life drawing class in CO that encourages ART MAKING FOR ONCE ///// i need to find the right one though- with a good teacher (afraid of wasting time/ not finding the right one - do you hear how i sound really unfaithful right now blgehh)
buying a desk and setting up a space in my house/room, and trying to just make art and try to enjoy it instead of being so freaking stressed out and hateful of myself all the time when i'm drawing. i want to enjoy art again, and know what it means to be an artist, i want to be fruitfully carefree, meaningful with my words/art and wholesome.
i want inspiration, friends.. hope, and faith, growth. purpose.
my mom pointed out that this year is pivotal for our family, so it is interesting to see what God's purposes are for me staying here in that aspect- possibly the last year of my parents' marriage. (pray for true healing.) thomas is graduating high school.
and i am going into my second year off of college, feeling clueless & fruitless
thank you, friends for your support and prayers,
it's sad and this is a turn of events i wasn't expecting but i was telling my friend bekah that when i got back from santa clarita, i almost felt mad about the peace i felt about staying in CO. but i do have peace. i just don't know what to think/ and i feel stuck, scared, confused and very discouraged.
i am, however, determined not to lose focus. this is a very important time i'm going through and i am not going to just wallow forever and feel like crap. i need to move forward, put God first, remember my Ebenezer stones, and persevere through the confusion and trust in him.
i know this! it's just hard, ya know.
it's easy to fail i don't want to be a failure!
i want to love, know, trust and glorify God,
love others,
and not worry!
i haven't really talked to many people about all this so if you have anything to say or any scripture to share, i'd love to hear it. whoisoliver@hotmail.com
