i can’t say much abot my life these days, because i have just been REALLY confused in many different ways. it feels like i am still attatched to God, but i have really had to let go of everything i called “me” and it’s pretty disorienting. I’m having a lot of theological questions , i don’t doubt that God is who he says he is, he’s perfectly merciful and perfectly just, and Jesus is more than enough to cover our sins. but just some other things. i’ve been worried about my christian friends who have just walked away from the faith. what does it mean for your faith to be “shipwrecked?” are we constantly shipwrecked or is this something else, something dire? 

I don’t know.

anyway, it’s good that i’m writing this in the morning, because I have just been having the worst mood swings lately, and it gets bad at night. I have found myself becoming more timid, less bold when it comes to talking about God, and that’s like- really uncharacteristic of me, i guess, but I have just had to confess that I need time to just be silent and ponderous right now. I have always had to sort out my walk with Jesus by talking about it, but i think lately I think God is just saying, be quiet, do what I tell you- watch, and listen to see what happens. I am faithful. 

anyway, i’m so confused. I have not stopped praying, I pray constantly, ad I don’t think this is a case of being “shipwrecked” at all. My heart, although discouraged, hardly as confident as it used to be, less full than it has been known to be, and it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and get excited about what’s ahead— my heart still wants God, wants Jesus and I know that only he can help me right now. My heart might have a default to disobedience in a lot of cases, and that’s hard to change, hard to shake off. but he really has lifted a huge burden from me that I’m now forgetting was ever there- I came into living here in Colorado, with a completely crushed spirit. my spirit still feels kind of crushed right now, but I’m not going to dwell on it, i just have to keep moving forward. although i can hardly, hardly envision at all where i will be even in the next 4 months, applying to all these art schools- when i am often completely devoid of a desire or passion for making art. but I think God is calling me to persevere on in this. i could be wrong. but i feel like this blockage is truly a heart problem, and a spirit problem. it’s hard to give it all up to him, for him to refine it, because so far, i’ve got nothing on my hands- which is scary and can be very demotivating.

oh well. what i do have is faith that he’s going to get me through this. not really an excited feeling, but i just know. he always comes through for me, literally always, and he always surprises me and melts my heart with affection for him. he loves me, though i feel my self being hesitantly trustful right now. anyway. my mind just psyches me out so much and tries to make me feel hopeless, depraved in spirit, when really i should probably just take a nap, go to the gym or do something productive instead of WORRY.

blah.

that’s all. Praise God for what he’s doign in my life and has already done in my life. the same God who I have been so in love with and so romanced by the past 3 years in richmond, is the same God in colorado, when I am confused, lazy, kinda depressed sometimes- starving  in my heart, but i feel like i’ve lost my appetite for the Word. <—-that’s the worst part of all of this, so if you could please pray for me, that’d be awesooome