GUYS..... after 2 years i finally got accepted to my second choice art school. a few of you know how stupidly grueling this has been for me, but i think all of you can appreciate this. so many cool and encouraging things have happened this week after such a desert. first, not so cool- i got extremely discouraging words back from the school i was rejected from twice, and that exposed that i have been a lot more discouraged, and believing so many more lies than i realized :/ i called the calarts portfolio room to ask when they were sending my sketchbook back, and i had like a 7 minute conversation with the girl who works there. she was so sweet and excited about being able to see so much student work. i remember i talked to her back in november,  and maybe even last year when i applied, too.
anyway, i got my sketchbook back in the mail on friday and i had just gotten back from work, feelin crappy. i sat in bed and wondered if i should even open the package and risk sinking into even more discouragement by seeing art i haven't seen in 6 months and become so ashamed of all my hard work failing. anyway, i opened it and did feel both sad and indignant at the same time looking through it feeling like numb and hopeless.

however, when i got to the back cover i saw i had written this journal piece that was one of my facebook statuses last semester:
"God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor's degree and finding a spouse. Desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but I'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him I have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. Even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating and identity shaking lesson to learn, I am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because I can't live up to my own expecations- and I know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with."

the random portfolio girl who I will probably never ever meet and talked to on the phone had snooped through my sketchbook and read it, and left me a 3 sticky note long letter in the back. it reads:
"Dear Lauren,
I came upon this journalling of ours as I prepared your sketchbook for return. It is beautiful wisdom and I thank you for the encouragement it is for me in this moment and day. Because I could SIMILARLY say, "God's purposes for a 30-something's life go way beyond getting a Master's degree and finding a spouse...." He is so good to each of his children, and I pray this note in turn will be a blessing to you. Even thru the darkest times, I have seen how He perfectly times and directs our steps. He will provide exceedingly for each of us, and be sure to lead us EXACTLY where H'es designed us to be. PRAYING joy and peace for you. By His grace and for His glory.
Dawn Givens (CalArts Portfolio Room)"

I just started crying because ... this is seriously the COOLest thing. I don't know if you can even understand how this is heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss. this letter is such an affectionate gesture of love. LA and CalArts are such extremely dark places and what an amazing thing it is for us to have made a connection on the back cover of my sketchbook, two women who may never meet, but who both look to Jesus as the light and lover we can trust in a world of such suffocating, seductive and convincing darkness. she has no idea how powerful her voice of encouragement is when i had been so wounded by just a stupid superprestigious school's evaluation of the gems of my heart. of course they are not the final word, but it is difficult trying to convince myself of that, when i had geared ALL of my efforts toward applying there and becoming 'good enough' for them and blah blah blah.

anyway, very good.
and then I had an amazing talk with my superfriend Hannah and she gave me such TRUE and affirming, also eye opening words i needed to hear- then I got a letter from my friend nikki also full of TRUE and affirming words i neeeeeded to hear. then tonight I got my acceptance email from Digipen Institute of Technology, which was my second choice school. it's in Seattle, WA and is most well known for its videogame development. cool and different, and i'm not sure if it's for sure yet but I'll have a better idea once I visit. i'm excited and relieved for a door to finally be open after all this time.
Tim Keller's church, Redeemer, has planted two churches in seattle that i am excited about. Digipen also highly doubt after searching around, has any sort of Christian community, so i think it would be cool to commute to some other university's RUF or something. because my RUF in richmond was a cool mix of college aged kids who didn't go to vcu, weren't in college at all, or had already graduated. so i am just excited to see what that will look like.
most of all I am just REALLY stoked for the opportunity to maybe be able to be the light for Jesus in a progressive, bitter and liberal city like Seattle, I think I really have a desire to see Jesus melt American hearts. because it seems SO impossible. with God, all things are possible. of course i am not cut out for that kind of scary ministry in darkness now but it's cool to think that God WOULD cut me out for it. I want LGBT people to fall deeply in love with the person of Christ that it turns lives upside down and heals deep scars. I want videogame obsessed 20 somethings to see the mind blowing beauty and purpose God offers in a relationship with him. I want to see prideful, wounded, insecure artists/musicians to find peace in God's truth. i want to see what happens when you let the gospel out like a lion to fend for itself - i don't want to be some sort of hero for anyone because i know i can't do that for people. but i do want to witness Jesus save people, and I want people to be saved from their sorrow and sin. I'm sick of it, and i want to face it and I want to see redemption. that could be anywhere but i'm glad that at least this door to digipen is finally open.
I haven't written here in forever but i honestly think it just wasn't a season for me to be writing much this past year. that's ok. but anyway i wanted to put this here before i lose the moment. dat's all.



(edit: I had realized when i posted this my most RECENT post on here, was the same quote in my sketchbook, and was right before I sent my sketchbook to calarts. cooool)