I think I have been developing independence to a fault. It was so exciting for a while to learn boundaries/self control to some extent for the first time in my life this past year. It was necessary, but I think I have swung too far. Self-care has turned into hiding. I have been thinking about how the holy spirit "does not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline." I have fought for power and self discipline, but my heart for loving God and loving others has been absent for a while. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 says if I do not have love then I am nothing even if I have every other kind of deep well of knowledge, wisdom, faith, selfless behavior, whatever etc. i also think that if this is where my heart is at, then the power and self discipline i have found is likely to not be from God, and will soon prove themselves to be fickle and even damaging.
i have developed a fair amount of fear/shame/pride/reluctance when it comes to asking people for help, on top of huge reluctance to "be there" for people." i have shrunk away from most of my relationships which is scary for me, because that has always been hugely out of character for me when under stress.
i am worried about myself because i have been getting increasingly depressed/isolated/detached from the people in my life. i have had very sparse, weak attempts at spending time with God. i am totally unlike the person i was 9 months ago! I hate being in need of help, or being unable to help others. but i am forcing myself right now to ask for help, and ask for prayer against these lies i'm listening to, and the burn out/confusion i have been trying to recover from.
it's weird because i am around people who do not know how i have always been- very irresponsible, unreliable, spontaneous, but at the same time, very warm, loving, quick to encourage, etc. i feel that i have traded the good about me to remedy the things i hated about me, and i am left feeling very disoriented. i would like to reset. i need prayer to figure out where to go from here and that i would be reconciled with my circumstances and learn what God's heart is for me where i am right now. i want to re-learn how to love others, and how to receive love/help even though i have built up such a huge wall between me and so many people that i love.
i also want to ask for forgiveness from the people who i have pushed away. i love you, and i am sorry!
