I'm just going to jump right in as though I have not been absent from this blog for a year:
It has almost been a couple weeks over a year since I had a huge anxiety attack that left me a bit mentally unhinged. I still feel that way now. It certainly isn't as bad as it was, but this year has been very difficult.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression significantly this past year. I don't even know where to start. Spring 2014 was awful... The summer was awful. Fall was OK. Spring 2015 has been OK. Last summer I finally hit a point where I was desperate for help, and my only safe person was my boyfriend, which wasn't a healthy for our relationship at some point. I found a counselor through my church who I was seeing for free which helped a lot. I found a therapist through her, and began seeing her seriously as soon as 2015 started. That helped significantly.
I was diagnosed with ADD by my therapist (who is also a woman with ADD, which was so cool), and had a very discouraging and demoralizing conversation with my doctor while trying to discuss my diagnosis and trying medication. I hit a point where I was sat my last, last leg and was afraid I was facing failing all of my classes due to my huge amount of anxiety, focus issues and mood issues. I was desperate and the diagnosis of ADD set my heart free. I have suspected I have ADD since high school, and once I discovered the huge difference between female ADD and male ADD, I was absolutely shocked. A lot of the hyperactivity that gets ADHD boys in trouble in school is manifested as anxiety in girls. The specific kinds of anxiety were things I have struggled with for years.
Jason, my boyfriend, was so sweet and found a doctor for me who took my insurance, was a Christian, was taking new patients AND specialized in ADD/Anxiety. I got to see him the very next day after the bad appt with my doctor. he talked to me for 15 minutes and said "yeah. you definitely have it." THANK YOU, music to my ears, seriously. My whole life I've told myself, I'm the way I am because I'm a stupid, incompetent, scatterbrained, underdeveloped, shitty excuse for a woman. I also recently recounted the incredible amounts of traumatic brain injuries I endured when I was younger- I always had a feeling that might have affected my brain. And now I feel so much better knowing there are physical reasons why certain things are so LITERALLY impossible for me to do, understand, learn, process.
Digipen is a dark place. We recently had a town hall meeting for the BFA (all years present), and after the heads of the department left, the students opened up to the Student Affairs people about the absolutely enormous prevalence and severity of anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts among the BFA students. I know of 2 students who in their time at this school attempted suicide. There is such a darkness preventing change from happening here, and the negativity really affects me, too. I try hard to be positive when I can, but so often I am also drawing from my last strength. (God is sooo good and faithful to sustain me, and provide for all of my needs- really, really he has done amazing things and although things are still rough, I have made so much progress.)
After my anxiety attack last year (which happened about a month or two before my last post here) I completely shut down socially. I was unrecognizable to myself for a long time. I also discovered I had a HUGE, HUGE issue with drawing boundaries for myself with emotionally abusive people who took advantage of my kindness, time and energy. I had to cut people out fast, because I felt one emotional upheaval away from things really going downhill.
The most recent example of this was having to tell a friend of mine I could not talk to them until after this semester was over, because they were often finding me in my work space while I was under great stress, working 15 hours a day, taking almost no breaks and not talking to anyone except my boyfriend and my therapists (unless someone interrupted me while working.) This person would sit down and pour all of their emotional burdens onto me, sometimes to the point of tears. Although being burnt out I still viscerally respond to someone when they are in pain. I give them all of my attention. But over time I realized I lived in terror that this person would find me while I was working, completely derailing my workflow (struggling SO freaking hard with ADD issues). These kinds of conversations would lead me to going to bed at 3am rather than midnight- which would often pit me into great vulnerability for greater anxiety, stress, depression, irritability and inability to focus. I suddenly cut this person out of my life after they messaged me, telling me to "stop being such a fake, shiney, perfect person who doesn't tell people what they are thinking." This person also said things like I was selfish for not sharing my emotional baggage with them. (which I did, but they were never really listening.) They would grow passive aggressive when I would drop them off at their house and give them signals that I needed to leave and not talk for an hour in the car. I never thought someone would attack me for "not giving enough" of myself to them- when I gave them more than I gave anyone besides my boyfriend. This was also while I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to give anyone because I was running on empty.
Anyway- I was and still am in a season where I am dealing with a Venn diagram of different issues:
ADD, Anxiety, PMDD, Boundary issues (have gotten much better), and personal baggage (has gotten better). The ADD portion has explained to me my overwhelming sensitivity to my environment. I can't work when people are talking, I absolutely can't multitask, I often sometimes can't even work with people sitting next to me. It sounds completely stupid in neurotic, but I guess I just never realized I was this way to begin with because I have never been in an environment like Digipen before. Privacy here is absolutely impossible and it drives me up the wall. Especially since so many people are dealing with anxiety/depression issues, it's toxic that people don't have a place to remove themselves from negative people holding negative conversations- which makes the mood of all eavesdroppers plummet.
This is a huge problem for me:
When people strike up casual conversation with me while I am working. I can't help it, I feel like they are being so inconsiderate of the fact that I am obviously focused/working/under stress. I honestly feel the most loved by people who I connect with emotionally but leave me alone and never approach me. Even in the cafe, I grow extremely irritable when someone sits down with me uninvited. I am so overwhelmed with stress and unpleasant thoughts -for someone to invite themselves into my 15 minutes of nothingness and peace is absolutely (prepare for crazy thought) the most unloving and triggering act they could commit toward me. What especially irritates me is "you look so lonely!" I wish they didn't say anything to me, would stop looking at me, and ignore me and leave. I don't want to perform for this person. That's all I do, when people talk to me, I muster all of my remaining energy that I need to protect the sanity and tenderness of my own wellbeing and I give it to them. I fucking hate talking about myself genuinely because they don't understand my issues, and I only come off as miserable and unwelcoming, and I make them feel uncomfortable. I hate making people uncomfortable because guess what! I am still the same person- I still seriously care about them. I wish they did not look at my face, and comment on how ragged/tired/stressed I look. Why? I wish I had a face that gave people the hint that I want to be alone!!!! These conversations do not bond me to those people- it makes it worse. It divides us and I feel like i was vulnerable in the wrong situation, and that person feels awkward. I just. want them. to go. away. and leave me alone. So when people do talk to me I try to focus the conversation on them because talking about myself is exhausting. Sometimes the conversation is fine in the moment, once I get into the mode of "OK, I'm socializing." But sometimes after they leave I feel worse.
I am at an all-night school event and it's 2am, and I haven't gotten anything done. People have been distracting me constantly, all night. and when people were not bothering me personally, there were people around the school screaming in classrooms, talking loudly/laughing around my workspace. I had a good chunk of space to work by myself, and at some point I came back to work and a friend had sat down right next to me (plenty of other space) to work. I can't explain why, and it is not about being picky or a baby. My brain actually begins to fail to reason/think spacially, organizationally- order of tasks in my head for simple things become completely scattered. I am hyper sensitive to people, and their emotions and their needs and when people are around I feel like that social, verbal part of my brain is active which competes with my ability to focus on organizing creation tasks in my head.
It is maddening. And unfortunately i am not equipped to work from home. working from home would be great during the day- but I come home in the evening to 3 female roommates, and one of them has the habit of telling stories back to back if she can finally get me in a conversation with her. Several times I have been in 45 minute conversations, cooked all my food and eaten it all in front of the stove/standing up after a long day, and cleaning up the whole kitchen because she does not stop talking, there is no chance for me to slip out of the conversation. I just want to cry, or yell or disappear. Leave me alone, I just want to be alone. I want to not have any stimuli. No people, no stress, no work, no deadlines, no passing time, no performance, no smalltalk, no good talks about our feelings- none if it. please, I just want silence and nothingness for a brief moment.
People have finally learned to give me space- One week about a month ago, I had to catch up on a ton of big assignments in a week that I missed due to anxiety issues. After that week, I fell in a parking lot and gouged my left hand open. I went to the doctor for pain in my right hand after drawing so much that past week. I found out I sprained my left wrist, and strained/got tendonitis in my right drawing hand/wrist from drawing too much with no breaks. That made me very demotivated, and it was difficult to draw. on Tuesday night when I fell, I called my mom and completely lost my cool- crying hysterically. I was under so much stress with school, and there was no end in sight. My mood was so low, unpredictable. I worked 15 hours a day at school and still wasn't making all my deadlines. I was dealing with professors that treated me with stigma over my anxiety DSS accommodations letter. One of those professors ended up bullying me, and about 4 other very talented female students into dropping her class (long story.). That week, i hurt both my hands and was entering into severe PMDD. I got so depressed that i dropped the ball in the class I had just worked so hard to catch up in. I told my character design teacher (my favorite class) that I wouldn't be able to finish the assignment due to depression/anxiety (which I have accommodations for) and he was very harsh toward me for being irresponsible and should have notified him in advance (wtf, responsibly notify him in advance of a depressive episode). He also disreguarded that I had a doctor's note for my hands and still took the liberty to take out his disappointment on me.
I limped my way into spring break after that week and was just fucking done with it all. but I wasn't. I stayed up until 4am the first saturday of spring break praying, worrying about the BFA Town hall meeting, where we would have the chance to talk about the issues that have such a horrible impact on the students, and make a change. i later set up a meeting with students during spring break to get together and make a concise list to present as a class to the higher-ups (last year they talked over the students and nothing was resolved.) The town hall was not til the friday of the week we got back from spring break.
Thank GOD, however, praise the Lord cos he's so good and Jesus loves Digipen students so much: the town hall went absolutely as well as it could have. We brought up all the significant issues, like i mentioned before. I didn't have to press it- other students harped on the issues of severely poor mental health among our program. it was a heavy and depressing meeting, but it was everything that needed to be said. SO we are waiting for followup now...
Anyway, I just thought I would document where I am at, currently. Things will continue to get better. I started an ADD med which so far is not so great, but it does stabilize my mood somewhat, and curbs my anxiety. makes it easier to talk to people, and not be so sensitive to my environment, thank goodness.
Also, one last note; Jason is the most wonderful, faithful, kind, sweet, gentle, thoughtful person and has been there for me through everything, and leading the Digipen bible study FOR me, rather than with me, now, which has been such a blessing. I am so blessed and lucky to have him and I love him so, so so so so much. I would not have gotten through this without him, not a chance.
