good friday

“

The only explanation for the past 7 years of my life, the transformation I have undergone involving the literal deadness of my soul coming into living a life full of love and a hunger for selflessness and compassion, is that Jesus is God, Jesus died with my sin once and for all, and lives again, and he lives in me, and I have been born again, pure and blameless before God, who loves me deeply- not some days, but every day.
I’m excited to share with people that it was downright impossible for a person like me back before I accepted Jesus into my heart to become anything joyful, anything useful, anyone worth love. Jesus paid it all. It was impossible for me to conquer that death that I was born into this world in, but Jesus did it for me, because he loves me.
Crazy, suicidal, sexually broken, hopeless and purposeless, turned into someone who lives to love for the sake of letting other people know the kind of healing Jesus brought me, because I can testify because of this intense personal experience I have had with him- day to day experiences, but also just 7 years of testing and confirming that God’s word is true, and God’s love is real, and God’s love is absolutely unfailing, and he absolutely loves us, and he absolutely paid it all so that we can be in that perfect relationship with him again- that sin is absolutely real, but that God’s love is more than enough to cover my sin, as far as the curse is found in the span of my soul and mind- he is eternal, and he is good. I have so many stories, and not because of my own wisdom or my own discipline, but purely because he has interceded time and time again in all of my difficult decisions, in all of my relationships, even in all of my schoolwork, and in all of the dark nights where I felt alone, dirty, unworthy, isolated and aimless. he has reassured me time and time again that there WILL be trouble in this world, but that he has overcome it all for my sake- that it is not my own doing that makes me right in God’s eyes, and able to come to him with all of my weariness and emptiness, but that God gave this gift of love to me, he gave Jesus as the way back to him, and that it is free and without conditions. all I have to do is believe and receive it,and be transformed by it. he walks with me every day, and i can also testify to the fact that the days when I want to edge God out of my life and choose not to remember that the things he wants for me are for my own good- when I choose to isolate myself and do my own thing without asking him to bless my way and give me peace and wisdom in all i do, those days are horrible and sometimes i just have to shower, and lie in my room and contemplate what my life would be like if I had the guts to do what I wanted so badly to do back before Jesus saved me. I realize that no matter how far I sink now, Jesus is always the solid foundation beneath my feet, and he will not let me drown. he LOVES me and day after day these 7 years he has drilled it into my heart and my mind that the things of this world are fading, fleeting and unsatisfying, but his love will never leave me or forsake me. without him in my life I am incredibly emotionally and psychologically unstable- but I look around me and know that I am absolutely not the only one. I want people to know this amazing saving love that I have been so blessed by such amazing grace to know as intimately as I have…. I never want to convert my friends for the sake of converting them, it is because i love them so deeply and care for them so deeply because God has revealed to me in such a vivid way that we are ALL broken, crushed, dead and hopeless beneath our sin. but just as much as he has shown me the brokenness of this world, he has shown me the power of Jesus in my life- what letting God love me can do to transform EVERYTHING in my life…. school, money, relationships, love, school, work, sleep, and how I spend my free time. his provisions for me align my actions… my actions according to his will align my purpose. all I do, I do out of joy because I love him because he first loved me, and I love my friends because without asking I already know that when it comes down to it, we all have something in common- that we are entirely and eternally broken beyond our own repair. and past that, we have something else in common- that Jesus loves us and died for us because he came down from heaven to dwell among us, and know us deeply, intimately, personally. who would do that for me? who would do that for you? leave the most perfect, beautiful place in all of existence to come to where I am to cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me.

He came to me, came to know me and love me deeply. he took my hands. he took all of the crap in my life, all of the disease in my soul, and took it into the grave with him. he stayed dead for three days. he was without sin- a disease that we are all born with, the wages of which are death. but he took mine and paid my penalty. he conquered death, came alive again, and he lives now- and he is in me. I live because he lives in me and his blood runs in my veins. Life is worth living now just because he lives.


He didn’t just die with our sin, but he told it who was boss. he left it dead in the grave, once and for all, a final and eternal payment to mend an eternal and final separation from God’s love.

I love Jesus and I thank God every day for not forgetting about me, for not leaving me here in my sin to die, even when I know in the big picture of things- I don’t deserve a single thing. but he gave me everything. and he wants to give YOU everything, and you can have it this very second, if you just tell him you want it, and to give it to you, and you believe that Jesus paid it all.
”

father + daughter

i might delete this. i will keep it up for a while just so hopefully some of you can read this and be encouraged and not just completely broken apart and saddened by this.
for those of you who know me, you know. this made me cry very deeply. like something became more true. something came close but wasn't quite purged. made me tear up in my animation class and could hardly stand it. thankfully i wasn't the only one- my teacher and another girl in the class, too. it was funny because from the sound of it, each of us read it differently and took something very personal from it. my teacher has a horrible relationship with her father, and janice said she has a really good one. for me i am just so blessed to know God as my father and that there has been so much reconciliation between me and my dad so far.... there is still so much to go but i discovered this deep longing for him, for that acceptance and support and foundation in someone and i found that in God who will never let me down... i just want all of the men who are closest to me in my life to know God as their fathers as i have, and to be healed. i just want them to be healed so, so, so badly. it hurts very deeply and is far too common when someone finds himself or herself in the position of loving your parent as if they were your prodigal son... but i just want to encourage you to never stop loving them like that. jesus' love is powerful and pure, is mighty to save and heal the hearts and relationships of who have been torn apart, have been separated by that endless pit of sin.


Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.


Luke 15:11-32
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”






lastly,

jesus + blind men

today there was a blind guy in front of me when we were taking communion at our church you break off a piece of the bread, dip it in the wine then eat it and sit down.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.

praise you, thank you.


all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.