my Ebenezers

Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT

"Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. "
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing


money is a temptation but not at the time being. fame is a temptation but not a goal. if i am becoming conceited, it is not God's desire. i really just want to make art that gives God glory, mostly to draw attention to his work in me- the fact that I should have been dead many times over by now by my own hands, I should be rotting on the streets by my own hands, I should be unlovable, uncared for, have nothing to show for myself except my perversion, my fear, my conceit, my destruction, the pit of selfish desire that brought me to death.
But Jesus sought me when I didn't even know him- he was just a name in a textbook to me, and he dug me out of the grave by his own hands, and breathed life into me again, reminiscent of adam in the garden, but he would have come down from heaven to rescue me if i was the only sheep who had gone astray. he breathed life into me, brought me up from my dead and helpless state and created me new for the purpose i was originally intended for- glory, beauty, perfection in my relationship with God and others. he says you're too good for all of this crap in your life. This isn't who I created you to be, this is your sin that has decieved you and corrupted you.
aren't there a lot of movies that feature an extraordinary circumstance where a scrooge-like main character gets a second chance at life/love/fame/fortune/family? that's me. I feel that my whole life is as if i have been born all over again, and I have a new fresh start- the old me has passed away, the new has come about, and it is all and only because of Jesus' work of love in me.
God drew me to art out of the darkness i was in in high school, giving me hope, a purpose and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11- '
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
and i have seen that in incredible ways- few people now know the kind of person i was in highschool, much less middle school. it might seem stupid to look back so far because we all have our weird days, and I'm no different. I was a weird, creepy, perverse, lonely, confused and isolated kid. and after i became a Christian it was evident that the work happening in me was definitely not my own- all the good things about me were in stark contrast to some habits and personality flaws I clung to (and often still cling to) that ended up hurting a lot of people. I was selfish, very afraid of abandonment, afraid of judgment, judgmental, confused, and sometimes chose to isolate myself. but the good things were things that I go back and see were not my own doing at all. things I didn't realize I had truly done, that I still can't believe I did. pursue people, share my testimony in front of huge crowds of people. Those things I have a hard time remembering because when i look back on high school I remember the embarassing me, the things i want to forget and slough off. The times when i didn't mean to show people my true colors, and got what I deserved. the times people showed me their true colors, and I took advantage of them- held them accountable to things they could never live up to because of my own fear of loss.
i'm going off on a tangent, but basically i want to say that I think that I have become prone to becoming really, really full of myself. but I don't want that, because really nothing good in me is my own. lately i can't discern if I am just really fascinated with what God has done in me, or if I am starting to start investing in my own ego. that's not what i want, all i want out of every single thing i do in my life, would be that people would see all that has been given to me as a gift, but bought at a cost that I could never pay on my own. I cannot buy new life with my fickle attempts at pretending I could ever be good enough for anyone's love, that I could ever be selfless enough to love and live without the rest of me crumbling. a child underestimates how much they depend on their loving parent who provides until they run away. I am young, small, naive, ignorant and gullible in the world of the incomprehendible knowledge of good and evil. I am nothing.

in terms of art- i shouldn't allow myself to attatch myself to the label of my profession, of my school, of my location, of the people i know, people i meet, date, marry. I should be thankful, excited, humble and know it's all a gift that I was created to take joy in, by glorifying God with the amazing things i've been given.
when i start looking at the things i've done, i eventually start to feel really empty because my personality is unsatiable. nothing will ever be enough for me to say, this is good enough, or this is what i wanted. when people encourage me or love me, my first impulse is often to think to myself, "that's not true. you are just saying that." but i think to myself, if i get a lot of people to say that, then I'll believe it. but when more people edify me, it just exposes this greater sea of doubt and the empty feeing of not having enough, and not being good enough. but I'm learning to say, it is enough, Christ enough, thank God for every good work he has done in me, because everything HE does is true, good and beautiful. only by knowing that Christ lives in me day by day can I keep living in joy, confidence and perseverance. there is so much that is at war in my head lately.

but what I'm trying to bunker down to is to refer back to the first two quotes up at the top- about the Ebenezer stone. the roadmarkers of saying, "this is where God has taken me. God was with me during this storm. he has walked with me this far." the times where I have had to step back and say holy crap, God really loves me and will never let me go. when you think back, and hold onto those ebenezer stones in your life path it should encourage you and make you realize even in your heart if it feels like God's not there- HE IS ALWAYS THERE. he is absolutely there and will never not be, and never has not been.
I want my art career to be all about these Ebenezer stones. Not a battle to stack up glory trophies for myself and say, this is how many times I have succeeded and been good enough. but instead, I want to communicate to everyone i know, look at these places in my life where God was more visible than anything else in my life at the time. God is real, and he is good, and he is loving.
Here, i raise my evidence that God was with me- only by his help have i come here.
I am aiming to get into CalArts and I still don't know what is going to happen- i don't want my doubt to crush me, but I might not be good enough this time around, which is okay and i can try again but what i DO know is that going there would be a huge opportunity to glorify God and to become a better communicator of God's love. it's also a huge temptation to be caught up in fame, conceit, envy, bitterness, doubt, greed, fear of failure and selfish ambition. I wanted to state this as my goal- that wherever I go from this year of wandering between schools, between homes, between so many dark areas of uncertainty and brokenness, that God will absolutely be glorified, and not me. I want to love purely, selflessly, and without selfish ambition and i'm going through a season where I am very limited in pouring out into others. but i know God loves me and forgives me for my shortcomings, and is working in my heart everyday to fix the places where I am still so broken and wayward.
i am not perfect and i'l never be perfect on this earth- but Christ is perfect and lives in me. he desires to save the world and not condemn the world, and that is what i desire for everyone i know, for them to know what it's like to be a new creation and see the God of the universe put his hand directly into your life and show you that he is so freaking powerful and incredible and scary and beautiful, but that he loves YOU. it's freedom from sin, freedom from self, freedom from fear, emptiness, doubt, unsatiable desire and pain.

"John 21:25-
Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."

you are apart of that library. Jesus did all of this.

haven't written in so long- there is a problem here

i only have about 20 minutes here in starbucks but i just need to write. so much has happened the past few months i haven't included on this blog- basically furiously trying to let God make me adequate for CalArts. trying to deal with having to cut my heart away from the things i usually invest so much in, so freely and selflessly- this semester is very different from any semester of college yet because I am in the process of investing in a new city, new life, new school. Although i know i am accountable to those immediately in front of me (i now work at a cafe, I am taking one figure drawing class, have new roommates i absolutely prayed for God to give me for a reason, and I am still leading young life) I am accountable to who God puts in front of me, but I have had to refrain from chasing people, seeking out relationships to build them, encourage them, tell them they are loved, convince them of life in Jesus by living my own life as though I will live forever in the arms of my heavenly Father, God of the universe who loves me so much he'd die for me. I need to go soon- but maybe it's better that I don't go into all of the shortcomings and doubts and sins I am struggling with, but God has helped me overcome so much more.
basically I am seeking deep conviction, a real reason to shout out to the world that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ. I find myself talking about myself all the time, being afraid to invest time in others for fear of my empire crumbling- my entrance to Cal Arts feels like a feeble bridge made of toothpicks from my end, and that it could collapse at any moment, and I would be left to blame. Tell me how much sense this makes- I am afraid that if I fail, It will be because I didn't abide in the Lord enough. I want to be obedient to him as much as I can be- but obedience for the sake of recieving something that has become an idol in my heart- what use is that if i forfeit my soul, my love and relationship with Jesus? it's insane that I am struggling so hard to meet this goal, that all revolves around proving my own worth. but God has taught be better than that with my whole life- only by his grace have I become worth anything. I have this fruitless obedience with no faith- and faith is what it means to abide in him, and what makes me apart of the vine that produces fruit, that produces life. I really am fighting to see in darkness, as much as i don't want to admit it for fear of realizing my toothpick bridge across this wide open scary sea of uncertainty, is a stupid lie- God is carrying me through it all and he LOVES me, he ADORES ME, and he has a plan for me, plans to PROSPER ME AND TO NOT HARM ME, to give me HOPE, and a FUTURE- who knows what that will look like but I'll tell you that the things in my life pointing to moving to LA and going to Cal Arts are almost scary how blessed things are coming together- I am almost in disbelief. I'm not good enough. I'll never be "good enough." But God is in control, not me, not my teachers, not distance or money, or the people reviewing my portfolio. I need to be obedient, but I also need to seek out the Lord in my life right now, and not be afraid of loving as much as I have become. I don't feel like myself, and the Lord convicted me yesterday, that I am comfortable with myself when there is such an obvious painful rift between me and my roommate, who I once loved so deeply. It's satan, it's a lie, it's not Jesus. Just because I have peace with something doesn't particularly mean it's from God.

I need to go draw someone for homework- but God, i need him so badly, i want him so badly, i MISS HIM so badly. I am afraid of creating this incredible worth of myself based on my work, my appearance, my personality, my humor- i don't want that, it is all nothing, it is absolutely fleeting and it gives me this high that is not out of a relief and joy that God is being glorified. it's not right. My biggest fear is being self sufficient- or thinking I am. I'm not good enough, I'm putting myself before God lately and saying , look at me, I'm good enough- you want me, be jealous of me, miss me, love me, want to be like me..... not Jesus.