haven't written in so long- there is a problem here

i only have about 20 minutes here in starbucks but i just need to write. so much has happened the past few months i haven't included on this blog- basically furiously trying to let God make me adequate for CalArts. trying to deal with having to cut my heart away from the things i usually invest so much in, so freely and selflessly- this semester is very different from any semester of college yet because I am in the process of investing in a new city, new life, new school. Although i know i am accountable to those immediately in front of me (i now work at a cafe, I am taking one figure drawing class, have new roommates i absolutely prayed for God to give me for a reason, and I am still leading young life) I am accountable to who God puts in front of me, but I have had to refrain from chasing people, seeking out relationships to build them, encourage them, tell them they are loved, convince them of life in Jesus by living my own life as though I will live forever in the arms of my heavenly Father, God of the universe who loves me so much he'd die for me. I need to go soon- but maybe it's better that I don't go into all of the shortcomings and doubts and sins I am struggling with, but God has helped me overcome so much more.
basically I am seeking deep conviction, a real reason to shout out to the world that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ. I find myself talking about myself all the time, being afraid to invest time in others for fear of my empire crumbling- my entrance to Cal Arts feels like a feeble bridge made of toothpicks from my end, and that it could collapse at any moment, and I would be left to blame. Tell me how much sense this makes- I am afraid that if I fail, It will be because I didn't abide in the Lord enough. I want to be obedient to him as much as I can be- but obedience for the sake of recieving something that has become an idol in my heart- what use is that if i forfeit my soul, my love and relationship with Jesus? it's insane that I am struggling so hard to meet this goal, that all revolves around proving my own worth. but God has taught be better than that with my whole life- only by his grace have I become worth anything. I have this fruitless obedience with no faith- and faith is what it means to abide in him, and what makes me apart of the vine that produces fruit, that produces life. I really am fighting to see in darkness, as much as i don't want to admit it for fear of realizing my toothpick bridge across this wide open scary sea of uncertainty, is a stupid lie- God is carrying me through it all and he LOVES me, he ADORES ME, and he has a plan for me, plans to PROSPER ME AND TO NOT HARM ME, to give me HOPE, and a FUTURE- who knows what that will look like but I'll tell you that the things in my life pointing to moving to LA and going to Cal Arts are almost scary how blessed things are coming together- I am almost in disbelief. I'm not good enough. I'll never be "good enough." But God is in control, not me, not my teachers, not distance or money, or the people reviewing my portfolio. I need to be obedient, but I also need to seek out the Lord in my life right now, and not be afraid of loving as much as I have become. I don't feel like myself, and the Lord convicted me yesterday, that I am comfortable with myself when there is such an obvious painful rift between me and my roommate, who I once loved so deeply. It's satan, it's a lie, it's not Jesus. Just because I have peace with something doesn't particularly mean it's from God.

I need to go draw someone for homework- but God, i need him so badly, i want him so badly, i MISS HIM so badly. I am afraid of creating this incredible worth of myself based on my work, my appearance, my personality, my humor- i don't want that, it is all nothing, it is absolutely fleeting and it gives me this high that is not out of a relief and joy that God is being glorified. it's not right. My biggest fear is being self sufficient- or thinking I am. I'm not good enough, I'm putting myself before God lately and saying , look at me, I'm good enough- you want me, be jealous of me, miss me, love me, want to be like me..... not Jesus.