yesterday my animation teacher, two other students and i all got to talking about how to get people who don't typically play games to PLAY games. and i thought about how animation isn't considered a fine art in america. animation is considered childish and art is often considered feminine. games at this point also haven't been considered a fine art outside the indie gaming community niche, though video game artists are hitting all of the intellectually and emotionally sensitive topics that american animation hasn't been able to hit as an industry (it's a market here.. not art). So, the rift between people who play games and don't play games... yeah. I was thinking about games as art. animation as art. what is art to a person who experiences it? what is art therapy? why do people get SO hooked on games, like a drug? perhaps we have never given games and animation the psychological foothold it deserves in our society. Art therapy is taken seriously, but why not games? Game therapy. What if a therapist could prescribe a game to walk a patient through a journey in grief, compassion, redemption? There is so much we haven't hit here, games should be for everyone and animation should be recognized as the powerful, limitless medium for communication that it is. art is powerful and the way we have compartmentalized it in the USA could possibly be inhibiting our development as a society.

this was all sparked by my teacher's mention of a game that digipen students made called "Solace," which was a game that took the player through the 5 stages of grief. it was so, so cool. you should look it up, it's pretty interesting. people who played it who recently had a loss said that the game was actually very powerful/calming to them. isn't that cool? the game was recognized for being innovative and excellently done, but of course no company would pay to have it distributed or anything like that. but it just goes to show that they really were on to something that non-"gamers" could benefit from. really cool.

a spontaneous update.... so, I really am going to Digipen Institute of Technology this fall. finally after two years i have a good school that will finally take me haha.


anything could happen, i want anything to happen..... i want a change and i want more of Jesus. I want to see the depths of his heart, to learn to actually LOVE God more, not only have more knowledge of him.
I am afraid of change and I am afraid of challenging things I have been hearing lately but I should be more afraid of my friends who are perishing and I should be more openly concerned than I am about what I really believe to be true... I want my best friends to be with me in heaven when we die, but I also so desperately want these friends of mine to know Jesus now, Jesus the only true lover of my soul. the love that gets me out of bed in the morning, that drives me to do anything at all.
I have a real sense of conviction that nothing, nothing at all is worth doing if it isn't for the sake of knowing God more, enjoying God more, and to love others more, and to invite others to know, love and enjoy God with me, as well. So I know God has gifted me with certain things and it so frustrates me to think about not truly knowing what he can do with me considering what he has equipped me with. I can't stand not knowing what it would be like to not live up to my potential -
but I am honestly stunted. I am a child of God but still some much in my mindset a product of my culture. I need to escape. I want to be a successful missionary in America. but how can I preach the coming of the Kingdom of God to a kingdom that is fleeting, when I haven't really fully experienced, known, understood the culture of the Kingdom i really belong toooooooo?????
i am disturbed by these things lately, as I am about to pick up and start over again- but this time I really won't know anybody! this year I was really so fortunate.
I am afraid and sometimes I mentally grasp, hoping that i will find some really strong Christian man out there to lead me and protect me, make me feel safe, help me understand, encourage me and have fun with me. but I realize that person is already in my life, completely, and his name is Jesus. I want to know him more. a few weeks ago I had an episode where I was so deeply discouraged about the future and the world before me. I felt this really deep, scary, physical "missing" of Jesus. i badly needed to be consoled, held, calmed by the lover of my soul, who knows me and loves me completely. but he is not here. i think of the way a girlfriend with a very long distance boyfriend would feel- she has the letters, the phonecalls, the memories and the assurance that he loves her, and she trusts him with her heart and her life. no one could ever replace or compare to him. ... .but she has no clue when he will be coming back. i know myself, that if i were in that position i would miss that person so much that i would struggle with temptation to look for him in other people.. within the past month I have experienced sudden feelings for not just one, but actually TWO friends of mine, after not having feelings for anyone for this whole year- knowing I didn't intend to stay here helped that. but these sudden feelings for these two friends of mine, i realized, revealed this even louder and deeper truth- that I was so enthralled by their character and convictions more than anything else about them. I didn't have much in common with them in particular but I realized I was crushing so hard because they reminded me of my true, true lover of my soul. I started to see glimpses of Jesus in them and it made my heart so affectionate for them both as friends, as brothers and as people I would so trust to follow as leaders. even in some ways, I felt afraid at the thought of being with someone like them- why does it sometimes seem like it'd be harder to 'follow' a Christian man who is crazy about Jesus, than we allow ourselves to perceive how challenging it would be to truly follow Jesus, the man himself??
That's so crazy. But I want that. And I realized that I felt emotionally exhausted just thinking of following a guy like that- because I would have to compromise and commit to an unpredictable element in my journey with God. I don't want that right now at all. I don't think that is something ever, ever to rush into, especially when I feel so convicted that God does incredible, insane, beautiful and unique things through single 20-something individuals who are sold out for him. And I want to be like that first! I think of Peter Rowan, and how extremely effective he was in his 20s as a single person. and now he's married to beautiful Melise Rowan, and they are an extremely effective couple and he is finally growing in God's timing through the sanctifying and challenging role of a husband and intimate spiritual leader to one woman. I feel like that's so much how it should be more often for 20 somethings. The independence someone has in this age range is so, so precious and to give that independence up to God's will ... that's when crazy things happen at colleges, in fellowships, in friendships....... Maybe I have just not experienced this first hand, but I have always been most affected by single leaders, or pastors and their wives who have made relationships their mission together. Perhaps couples minister to couples- that would make more sense, but I just wouldn't know about any of that because I've never been in a relationship. So... yeah. basically I, personally want to dedicate that independence to all sorts of different people, to lend my intimate encouragement to my friends and family without the distraction of building and preparing for 'the next step'. marriage, buying a house?! and kids?! marriage i can imagine a little bit. but the other two make me want to turn on my heels and run. no way jose. kind of off topic, but I do obviously think there is so much young marriage for Christians for the understandable and wise reason that , " it is better to marry than to burn with passion." so really part of me is just being stupid about something I really do not understand because I have never been in a relationship.. ANYWAY this blog post quality is seriously deteriorating as I keep writing because now I am rambling and getting increasingly TIRED and OPINIONATED at the same time which is not a good formula for a good, constructive, and thoughtful blog after so many months to prove I am becoming a sharper, more wise and lovely Christian lady


ok goodnight it is 3am.

GUYS..... after 2 years i finally got accepted to my second choice art school. a few of you know how stupidly grueling this has been for me, but i think all of you can appreciate this. so many cool and encouraging things have happened this week after such a desert. first, not so cool- i got extremely discouraging words back from the school i was rejected from twice, and that exposed that i have been a lot more discouraged, and believing so many more lies than i realized :/ i called the calarts portfolio room to ask when they were sending my sketchbook back, and i had like a 7 minute conversation with the girl who works there. she was so sweet and excited about being able to see so much student work. i remember i talked to her back in november,  and maybe even last year when i applied, too.
anyway, i got my sketchbook back in the mail on friday and i had just gotten back from work, feelin crappy. i sat in bed and wondered if i should even open the package and risk sinking into even more discouragement by seeing art i haven't seen in 6 months and become so ashamed of all my hard work failing. anyway, i opened it and did feel both sad and indignant at the same time looking through it feeling like numb and hopeless.

however, when i got to the back cover i saw i had written this journal piece that was one of my facebook statuses last semester:
"God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor's degree and finding a spouse. Desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but I'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him I have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. Even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating and identity shaking lesson to learn, I am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because I can't live up to my own expecations- and I know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with."

the random portfolio girl who I will probably never ever meet and talked to on the phone had snooped through my sketchbook and read it, and left me a 3 sticky note long letter in the back. it reads:
"Dear Lauren,
I came upon this journalling of ours as I prepared your sketchbook for return. It is beautiful wisdom and I thank you for the encouragement it is for me in this moment and day. Because I could SIMILARLY say, "God's purposes for a 30-something's life go way beyond getting a Master's degree and finding a spouse...." He is so good to each of his children, and I pray this note in turn will be a blessing to you. Even thru the darkest times, I have seen how He perfectly times and directs our steps. He will provide exceedingly for each of us, and be sure to lead us EXACTLY where H'es designed us to be. PRAYING joy and peace for you. By His grace and for His glory.
Dawn Givens (CalArts Portfolio Room)"

I just started crying because ... this is seriously the COOLest thing. I don't know if you can even understand how this is heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss. this letter is such an affectionate gesture of love. LA and CalArts are such extremely dark places and what an amazing thing it is for us to have made a connection on the back cover of my sketchbook, two women who may never meet, but who both look to Jesus as the light and lover we can trust in a world of such suffocating, seductive and convincing darkness. she has no idea how powerful her voice of encouragement is when i had been so wounded by just a stupid superprestigious school's evaluation of the gems of my heart. of course they are not the final word, but it is difficult trying to convince myself of that, when i had geared ALL of my efforts toward applying there and becoming 'good enough' for them and blah blah blah.

anyway, very good.
and then I had an amazing talk with my superfriend Hannah and she gave me such TRUE and affirming, also eye opening words i needed to hear- then I got a letter from my friend nikki also full of TRUE and affirming words i neeeeeded to hear. then tonight I got my acceptance email from Digipen Institute of Technology, which was my second choice school. it's in Seattle, WA and is most well known for its videogame development. cool and different, and i'm not sure if it's for sure yet but I'll have a better idea once I visit. i'm excited and relieved for a door to finally be open after all this time.
Tim Keller's church, Redeemer, has planted two churches in seattle that i am excited about. Digipen also highly doubt after searching around, has any sort of Christian community, so i think it would be cool to commute to some other university's RUF or something. because my RUF in richmond was a cool mix of college aged kids who didn't go to vcu, weren't in college at all, or had already graduated. so i am just excited to see what that will look like.
most of all I am just REALLY stoked for the opportunity to maybe be able to be the light for Jesus in a progressive, bitter and liberal city like Seattle, I think I really have a desire to see Jesus melt American hearts. because it seems SO impossible. with God, all things are possible. of course i am not cut out for that kind of scary ministry in darkness now but it's cool to think that God WOULD cut me out for it. I want LGBT people to fall deeply in love with the person of Christ that it turns lives upside down and heals deep scars. I want videogame obsessed 20 somethings to see the mind blowing beauty and purpose God offers in a relationship with him. I want to see prideful, wounded, insecure artists/musicians to find peace in God's truth. i want to see what happens when you let the gospel out like a lion to fend for itself - i don't want to be some sort of hero for anyone because i know i can't do that for people. but i do want to witness Jesus save people, and I want people to be saved from their sorrow and sin. I'm sick of it, and i want to face it and I want to see redemption. that could be anywhere but i'm glad that at least this door to digipen is finally open.
I haven't written here in forever but i honestly think it just wasn't a season for me to be writing much this past year. that's ok. but anyway i wanted to put this here before i lose the moment. dat's all.



(edit: I had realized when i posted this my most RECENT post on here, was the same quote in my sketchbook, and was right before I sent my sketchbook to calarts. cooool)