a spontaneous update.... so, I really am going to Digipen Institute of Technology this fall. finally after two years i have a good school that will finally take me haha.


anything could happen, i want anything to happen..... i want a change and i want more of Jesus. I want to see the depths of his heart, to learn to actually LOVE God more, not only have more knowledge of him.
I am afraid of change and I am afraid of challenging things I have been hearing lately but I should be more afraid of my friends who are perishing and I should be more openly concerned than I am about what I really believe to be true... I want my best friends to be with me in heaven when we die, but I also so desperately want these friends of mine to know Jesus now, Jesus the only true lover of my soul. the love that gets me out of bed in the morning, that drives me to do anything at all.
I have a real sense of conviction that nothing, nothing at all is worth doing if it isn't for the sake of knowing God more, enjoying God more, and to love others more, and to invite others to know, love and enjoy God with me, as well. So I know God has gifted me with certain things and it so frustrates me to think about not truly knowing what he can do with me considering what he has equipped me with. I can't stand not knowing what it would be like to not live up to my potential -
but I am honestly stunted. I am a child of God but still some much in my mindset a product of my culture. I need to escape. I want to be a successful missionary in America. but how can I preach the coming of the Kingdom of God to a kingdom that is fleeting, when I haven't really fully experienced, known, understood the culture of the Kingdom i really belong toooooooo?????
i am disturbed by these things lately, as I am about to pick up and start over again- but this time I really won't know anybody! this year I was really so fortunate.
I am afraid and sometimes I mentally grasp, hoping that i will find some really strong Christian man out there to lead me and protect me, make me feel safe, help me understand, encourage me and have fun with me. but I realize that person is already in my life, completely, and his name is Jesus. I want to know him more. a few weeks ago I had an episode where I was so deeply discouraged about the future and the world before me. I felt this really deep, scary, physical "missing" of Jesus. i badly needed to be consoled, held, calmed by the lover of my soul, who knows me and loves me completely. but he is not here. i think of the way a girlfriend with a very long distance boyfriend would feel- she has the letters, the phonecalls, the memories and the assurance that he loves her, and she trusts him with her heart and her life. no one could ever replace or compare to him. ... .but she has no clue when he will be coming back. i know myself, that if i were in that position i would miss that person so much that i would struggle with temptation to look for him in other people.. within the past month I have experienced sudden feelings for not just one, but actually TWO friends of mine, after not having feelings for anyone for this whole year- knowing I didn't intend to stay here helped that. but these sudden feelings for these two friends of mine, i realized, revealed this even louder and deeper truth- that I was so enthralled by their character and convictions more than anything else about them. I didn't have much in common with them in particular but I realized I was crushing so hard because they reminded me of my true, true lover of my soul. I started to see glimpses of Jesus in them and it made my heart so affectionate for them both as friends, as brothers and as people I would so trust to follow as leaders. even in some ways, I felt afraid at the thought of being with someone like them- why does it sometimes seem like it'd be harder to 'follow' a Christian man who is crazy about Jesus, than we allow ourselves to perceive how challenging it would be to truly follow Jesus, the man himself??
That's so crazy. But I want that. And I realized that I felt emotionally exhausted just thinking of following a guy like that- because I would have to compromise and commit to an unpredictable element in my journey with God. I don't want that right now at all. I don't think that is something ever, ever to rush into, especially when I feel so convicted that God does incredible, insane, beautiful and unique things through single 20-something individuals who are sold out for him. And I want to be like that first! I think of Peter Rowan, and how extremely effective he was in his 20s as a single person. and now he's married to beautiful Melise Rowan, and they are an extremely effective couple and he is finally growing in God's timing through the sanctifying and challenging role of a husband and intimate spiritual leader to one woman. I feel like that's so much how it should be more often for 20 somethings. The independence someone has in this age range is so, so precious and to give that independence up to God's will ... that's when crazy things happen at colleges, in fellowships, in friendships....... Maybe I have just not experienced this first hand, but I have always been most affected by single leaders, or pastors and their wives who have made relationships their mission together. Perhaps couples minister to couples- that would make more sense, but I just wouldn't know about any of that because I've never been in a relationship. So... yeah. basically I, personally want to dedicate that independence to all sorts of different people, to lend my intimate encouragement to my friends and family without the distraction of building and preparing for 'the next step'. marriage, buying a house?! and kids?! marriage i can imagine a little bit. but the other two make me want to turn on my heels and run. no way jose. kind of off topic, but I do obviously think there is so much young marriage for Christians for the understandable and wise reason that , " it is better to marry than to burn with passion." so really part of me is just being stupid about something I really do not understand because I have never been in a relationship.. ANYWAY this blog post quality is seriously deteriorating as I keep writing because now I am rambling and getting increasingly TIRED and OPINIONATED at the same time which is not a good formula for a good, constructive, and thoughtful blog after so many months to prove I am becoming a sharper, more wise and lovely Christian lady


ok goodnight it is 3am.