"If there was no way into God, I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long." - mwY
this might be kind of intense but: I sometimes strongly feel like my soul/spirit exists elsewhere and my current body is a shell. God is my only hiding place. his love is endlessly huge and vast- it stretches over me and shelters even the most far off, dark, abandoned, emotionally shredded parts of me. Earlier in my life I wrestled with strong feelings of wanting to leave my body, either by wishing (and feeling) that I was not female or wishing I were dead, sometimes both. Those thoughts still make sense to me now, but having a relationship with God completely transformed that part of me and cast those feelings in a completely different light. My relationship with Jesus deeply grounds me and gives me hope to live in a way absolutely that no other relationship or life decision ever has, could, or will. He is the light that does not burn out and the one who will never leave or forsake me. He has nothing selfish to gain or to lose by loving me. I know who I am, and I viscerally reject everything the world tells me is what it means to be a woman. I know I'm a woman, and being a woman means something completely different in God's eyes; he created it to be safe and he created it to be holy. He knows me fully and loves me perfectly, and he does not objectify or compare me. He sets me free from the feelings of being trapped and misunderstood by merely existing. He forgives and frees me from the bondage of harmful, sinful behavior and coping strategies. Since i am a sinner and the world is broken, I might never feel 100% at home in my body in my lifetime. i hope i do. however, i do know that God has promised me a new, perfect body in the resurrection and jesus will have made all things in the world right. I still have lots of hang ups that I am working through, but one of the biggest differences now is that back then, abandoning my body was a solution that made perfect sense to me. Now, as soon as I hear that voice in my head i absolutely know that is from the enemy and he so, so badly wants to make sure I never see the healing, protection, hope and joy that God has for me-- and I have to continue to guard my heart fiercely and keep pursuing being transformed into the person God created me to be