love me
exist for me
be in my life before
i need you to sew me up

love me
make me wait
taking
giving when you say

is it worth it?
the mistakes?
am i dying when i give in?
am i still clean if i want this?
if i want this,
is it clean?

please take
mine on you
please give
yours to me

death and
water me
growing where
your blood and body have nourished me

is it worth it?
the suspense?
am i dying when i give in?
am i still clean
if i want this?
if i want this,
make it clean


make me clean

okkkkk

i have a million things to do, but i wanted to take some time to say that i haven't posted in a while because my heart has been all over the place the past few weeks, and nowhere near where it should be. but seriously, God is so faithful when we are not.

went to colorado for thanksgiving this past week and it was legitimately the best vacation i have ever had in my life. it was a time of spiritual renewal, and my eyes have been opened to a lot of things and God has really set my heart in motion for things i have been struggling to overcome for a long time, long long long time. i can't change. there are things in my life that will never change, and i will always always always be cursed with being who i am. that's why it is so beautiful that i can lay down my own self and be born again in Jesus, who makes all things new. i am so blessed to have that available to me everyday and in everything, because i need it so so so much-
these next two weeks are going to really test my faith. finals that i have procrastinated. an animation project that i wanted to do surrounding the gospel, 10 page paper, 5 page paper, 8 page paper, 5 page paper, after effects city scape project, ton of make up work, storyboard, art piece incorporating the possibility of the 4th dimension, and an online portfolio for FI-- and smack dab in the middle of all of this, this weekend is ROCKBRIDGE.

i have no idea what is going to happen between right now and december 15th
weeeee will seeeee

yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i think i want out of this place

GOT IT

trying again.--worship talk notes just talked to myself for 20 minutes in an empty ceramics classroom at 2:30am and i feel overwhelmingly relieved.
-

we talk about this a lot in young life but
it is important to remind each other and ourselves the power that lies in being able to love like christ loves us.

as christians we naturally do not expect the world to understand and accept us, but often continue to have a hard time having faith that we will understand and accept each other.

that love does not have to be in fear
hear it in church all the time- we are reconciled back to God and also to each other.

Christ's power is shown in in our weaknesses- when we lay down, (or forced to lay down) our own pride and fear of loving others and letting others love us, we are exposed, but he is magnified in contrast

it is a countercultural concept - become nothing to become powerful. it is hard and we can't do it without him humbling our hearts first.

but it is not something to be afraid of- if we ask him to humble our hearts towards each other, we will be reconciled to each other, in the same way that we are reconciled back to him.

this kind of love that is available to us can heal our friendships and ourselves in ways we never thought possible when God wasn't in the picture.

when we let ourselves be vulnerable with each other as christ became vulnerable to us through his pain and suffering on the cross, to show God's love.

in young life, we can be a fool for christ in many different ways.
we can also be a fool in the sense of letting ourselves be vulnerable in faith that the more transparent we are, the more God's glory will shine through.

it is by our human nature that we want to resist this at all costs- we don't want to be exposed, judged, humbled.

the only way that we can begin to love each other this way is through Prayer-to pray that he would help us learn to love others like He loves us.

if it feels impossible- that's because it is. we can't do it without him. but it is so, so important to cling to as the body of christ.

fudge

feeling overwhelmed. feeling unloved. this goes in such steep waves, here at vcu. i'm just so exhausted.

also i just hate franklin terrace. seriously in a basement all day. vcu itself is not a pretty place. richmond's cool- franklin terrace sucks.

i just want my family. i want to know my dad will be okayyyyyyyyyyyy i also want to know if my brother will be okayyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee.

i just want someone to hug me and laugh with me, be with me, and talk about jesus with me and at least try to love me back unconditionally. i love my mom. i love erin. i love rachel. i love victoria. i love meleia and ciera. i love my small group.

i don't feel supported or encouraged------- however, this, too goes in waves. but my sinful heart is so deceiving and tells me so many lies that make me afraid, timid, sad, dumb. but when i bounce back , it is so easy to see how foolish it is to feel that way. it's just so easy to slip. durererpghp.

i'm like a pen whose nib runs out of ink. now i'm just scratching at the paper, cutting the paper. all the work but with nothing to show for it but scratches and cuts. i need to return to the well, be replenished of ink. it's so foolishly human when i don't cling to what is so obviously missing.
but i don't know how exactly to fix all this with jesus. i pray about it all day. i just don't have a large lot of joy, but it is there, in waves, like i said- it's almost more like bittersweet. but i am trying my best to be patient.

http://www.christcenteredmall.com/teachings/fruits/longsuffering.htm

cool boyz

so i was creeping on this, i think they are in seniors in high school here.
i'm a young life leader now and i hang out with high schoolers right-
if i was their young life leader i wouldn't be able to do it. i would be tooooooo scared/nervous/overwhelmed/derp hahafhab

i wish i could find more of these types of guys-
confident, humble, friendly, absolutely hilarious, creative, attractive, loving and clever christian guys (thomas, olan and reid are christians- not positive about thomas)
but we all, as christians need to pray to be more loving, more strong willed and be blessed with a spirit of leadership.

seriously, holy moly, even bieber has got it going on.

http://news.yahoo.com/video/entertainment-15749636/bieber-marriage-and-kids-by-30-22769267

I LOVELOVELOVLOVLVOE THIS INTERVIEW. meleia just sent it to me a few minutes ago- meleia and i have actually been praying for him haha- this seriously blesses my heart so, so much. don't tell anyone but i may have teared up a bit. it just shows that being the most powerful pop icon in the world at the moment doesn't make you too powerful for the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ that transforms you and protects you from what the world can do to you. the fame at 16 that he experiences could have gone in a very opposite direction- and we gotta keep praying for people like him, that God would have mercy on them just like He has had mercy on us. afteral, even justin bieber is just a teenager- he's just a person- he's just a sinner, just like you and me. i love hearing these words out of his mouth of all people. it's amazing that God has exalted him to such an amazing place, and that even with all this fame, he can admit that he's a sinner?! THAT is mercy, for real. wow owowowowow. what an amazing witness, what amazing strength God has given him to speak about this in an interview not just briefly, but to elaborate like this.
i guess God is JB fan, woopwoop

hm

http://www.christcycles.com/ this is cool haha. at first iw as like oh dear, helvetica and bikes, derp. but this is really cool! bike ministry! really neato. i kind of want to just go into their store and be like, hey/i love jesus/hate my bike/help/plz

i've seen the guy with the jesus bag before , super cool bro

sooo hyper now i had coffee and feel so much better but now i want to make 2938472983479238749823742 facebook statueses ok i gotta get out of here.

i always make time to skype with my favoritest of babies, no matter how many 5 page papers i have due the next day


but on another note, please
please please pray for my dad.