hey

so, i don't really know what to say. i have been having intense up and downs lately and i feel like it's getting harder- not easier to discern how jesus and art are supposed to go hand in hand in my life. it's getting so weird. everything seems so huge and unreachable in every direction- but then on other days it seems like everything is before me, everything is real, possible, assured.
i haven't written in a really long time just because i don't know what to say and i really love to be able to pin down exactly what i'm feeling, struggling with, searching for at any given time of my life but lately i have no idea what my mind is doing. but it has made me distant from God and distant from others- tonight of all nights i should have felt overwhelmed with love and peace, but instead i just felt overwhelmed. small, aimless, empty, confused, numb, detached. and i want to say that because i don't know if my being so gung-ho with my faith is a good thing or a bad thing- most of the time i think it is a very good thing. always persevering, always striving for more, never ceasing. that is good, that is great and i'm so blessed. but i think that there is so much of my heart that i am afraid of. i don't know what my mind is capable of. i don't know how to explain it.
i'm going to try to word my dilemma but i will probably just sound really crazy- which it probably is.
we watched this documentary in my sound class on Arthur Russel and there was a man being interviewed about him who said that most people do not allow themselves to explore or express their full complexity.
i believe that a large part of the art world includes exploiting the human condition- obviously. but as a Christian, i just don't know where that puts me. i don't have anyone to compare myself to to seek guidance, either... obviously my view of the human condition is very different. but i am still a sinner. sin wretches our hearts. sin produces strife, angst, lust, dissatisfaction- because of all these things, some amazing art and music have been created. but i just don't know. if i want to be pruned of the branches that do not produce fruit, this would be out of the question: delving inside my own sinfulness, revelling in it, explointing it, selling it, glorifying it. but i of all people know that i have some sick, disgusting things down in my heart. i know a lot of people would just rejoice in knowing this but it's really no secret- it is just that i have been blessed to know jesus as my savior who has brought me as far from the east is from the west from the sin that condemns me- i am clean. i am blameless before God.

what the hell am i asking myself? i have no idea. what am i making, what is my message, what is my inspiration? i have no idea. conceptualism is KILLING ME because how do i express a concept in the vague way that the art world demands of me when i all i want to do is scream, yell, tear fabric and cry the truth. it's all that matters and it is just so frustrating. it is just so incredibly difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. because i am so UNASHAMED of the gospel that i have taken a full circle - now that i am placed in a position of an artist- an innovative communicator, i now have a nozzle that i have to place on my outpour- and that nozzle disrupts everything. l;akshdialhweroishdlhfalsk;dhf;aoweu9rifhsedofi;bhnsdo;ifugh does that even make any sense? it's liek ugahdffaksl;djfghbsugf but why do i feel like God wants me here, but at the same time it is so backwards??!

so frustrating. feeling so lonely and confused and lost right now because alllll i want is to tell people Jesus loves them and that i want them to know his amazing, amazing love, and this amazing life of freedom i have been blessed with because of him.

i have no idea what i'm saying. my heart is really all over the place and i'm getting so frustrated because i just want someone to be straight with ME. what the hell is wrong with me? i want to be pruned of all the branches that do not produce fruit.
i am afraid of delving into my mind and letting myself explore that complexity because a lot of it - something that i can't really make you understand- is incredibly terrifying because i am afraid to become unstable. i have felt tastes of that this week, and this evening. when i look behind my shoulder on the path that i have walked with jesus, i see all of what he has been leading me away from- irrationality, doubt, dispair, hate (so much hate), self image distortion, distrust, disorder, bipolar sort of reasoning. away from all these things into the groove of myself as a new creation- blameless, free and pure. who i have become just in the past 7 years of being a christian is something that if i stop to pause and really allow myself to fathom, is incredibly unbelievable, but absolutely true. from who i was before Jesus saved me, to who i am just sitting on this computer in the new Hilton hotel at Young Life Committee-Leader weekend, is a miracle and and absolute testament to God's goodness and the validity of his promises. He is SO good and he is SO faithful. i don't have to say like, i'm such a good christian now look at me i did this, this and this. but just the fruits of the spirit- those are true to my heart. and the process of hope through perseverance- that has become true in my heart. peace, Christlike love and compassion, selflessness, order, direction, wisdom granted to me as i ever ask in a pure heart that is given to me by the Holy spirit- all of these things have blossomed in my heart in just 7 years- MOST of which have just exploded in my life since I have been in college.

why would i EVER want to go back if i could help it?
i don't know if any of this made sense but i'm going to post this anyway because i just need to get all of this off my chest because there is no person that i could tell this to. i don't know if i made my dilemma clear. i just pray to lift all of this up to God, because he's really the only one who can change any of it- change any part of my heart. i have to go to bed. i feel really pathetic right now haha but i just pray that you would pray for me if you read this- i want God to use me to impact the world for himself and i know he will do that. i just pray that he would lead me away from temptation and deliver me from evil and be satisfied in proclaiming the Gospel faithfully, lovingly, truthfully in a spirit that is ABSOLUTELY unashamed. i'm sick of who i am, who i was- all i want is Jesus. it's just so easy to be weighed down by all of this crap. consumerism, grades, tough love, health, the cultural norm to always worry about the next day, and the next day, and the next until you inevitably die.
ok askdhf;aksldf this made no sense.
love you all thank you for encouraging me.

Raelyn has been heavily on my heart lately.
please pray for her.

goodnighttt