artfart

i miss being able to write freely. i think one of my fears has become reality- a slight dependence on caffeine. i don't know if it is psychological or that it really does help me collect my thoughts better but if i sit down somewhere with coffee in the right context i really can collect myself so much better. the only down side to this is that i suck at making good coffee and i often hate coffee if it tastes like poo, which it always does unless it is pumped with sugar and cream and syrup and derp. so i have innocently allowed myself to dabble in 6.5 fl oz double shot lights and such but this might become a problem in the future just because it might be too good for me to the point where i can't function without ittttt. I DON'T WANT THATTTT because in the apocalyptic ages there will be no starbucks!!
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.