the past few days have obliterated my comfort zone and a considerable amount of what i perceived as hope- but not for the worse. moreso, God has really stripped me of some things that i preferred to keep out of sight-out of mind....but now they are out in the open, splayed in front of me. only by his grace have these things not tainted and stained my love for those around me. that in itself is comforting, that when all else is taken from me, my love for these people still stands- i know that i love only because God loved me first, and that my love for them is a Christ-centered love.
been feeling overwhelmed for a number of reasons. not all bad but there is one thing in particular that i have been stressed about.
i go to VCU. i have art classes, classmates, friends, church, and lead young life at a high school in richmond- where i am having the awesome privilege of getting to know tons of incredible high school kids and teaching them about jesus.
i went to high school in northern virginia, where my brother still lives. i go back every once in a while to reconnect with my old young life friends and such, and keep up close relationships i had in high school.
my best friends live in philadelphia, and tucson.
my family lives on an afb in colorado springs. i have a handful of friends 30 min away from base that i keep up with.
i also have a handful of very dear friends of mine who i have only ever spoken to online with, some of which i have been friends with for up to 6 years.
i am crazy, crazy, madly in love with all of these incredible people God has blessed me with, he has poured blessing upon blessing, hundreds of inspiring, beautiful people in my life who encourage me and teach me every day. i have had so many opportunities to witness to dozens of friends about God's goodness and i am so thankful that God has allowed me to somehow be able to keep up deep relationships with people who i see very seldomly, and in those rare occasions where i can connect with these friends, we are able to sharpen each other the way iron sharpens iron.
i almost feel a changing of times coming. because i'm starting to feel like i don't know where home is anymore, and i am feeling uprooted although little has changed...yet. i keep forgetting the radical changes 2011 will inevitably bring for not just my family, but this country, and my education.
i don't want to feel spread thin, but i have been feeling that way. it is becoming more difficult for me to keep up with long distance friends and i grit my teeth as i reluctantly prioritize my friendships. but i know this is not favoritism, but i feel that God has narrowed my social scope for the time being. my family, and a few very dear friends of mine have been undergoing major changes in their lives and it has had a considerable impact on the way i have been living my own life. i have been learning more intimate things about people i have grown up with, and i feel that God has called me to a more committed lifestyle with the friendships he has put directly in front of me. I feel that in this past semester, especially this past spring, specifically during finals, i have really lost sight of the intentional, purposeful way God taught me how to love others. i don't know what this strung out, lost, almost frustrated feeling i have been having means. I hope this does not all sound like "ohhhh i am so popular i just need to tone it down a notch" but it is moreso that I have been spreading my own self too thin- trying to love everyone and not trusting that God is going to provide when I am not there. but although i know that is important to recognize- i know that i have strayed from how i know i should be. otherwise i would not feel exhausted.
i dont really know what i am talking about or why i am saying all of this, bottom line is i guess i feel irritated that i have been coming off as neglectful, when i have like 5 different homes that i desperately try to keep in equal contact with, somehow, in the only ways i know how.
but thank you to whoever has been praying for me because i have absolutely felt God's presence this past weekend. in so many ways my heart could have been shredded to smithereens this weekend. and these trials are not over. i am in colorado for a month and i have no clue what lies ahead of me. thank you so much for praying for me, thinking of me. i love you so much, thank you. i ask you to please pray that with the possibility of two more future homes- one for my family, and one for myself a year from now, that God would give me peace and not guilt, and to help me to love others like he loves me more and more, so that i do not stay awake at night, sad or frustrated that i have not lived up to someone's expectations of me, when i have so much to worry about in the city i am currently in.
i'm weak and weary and crappy i just want my friends to be ok and i want to kick myself for the right reasons like when i am about to fail a class, not for reasons that are completely out of my control.
I wanted to tell you that, although your experiences are not my own and it is hard for me to understand prioritizing friendships when I only have two or three, I understand where you are coming from. I just hope that you consider me a friend and think about me often. I need help, and I don't know how much I should divulge - what is proper to unload and what is too overwhelming. But I need that friend who is there for me, and I feel so alone. All I have is my Mom, and she is always giving me this warped advice. I can't trust her. I need someone to rely on and who always keeps in touch, making sure I am okay. I would do the same in return. I want to be REALLY there for someone, but I possess none of the tools necessary to form relationships. I am completely crippled. I do not share with others. I WISH desperately that I could.
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