my desires are tearing me apart. i really wish i had a christian friend to talk this out with because i feel that i have been very double minded. except this isn’t something i can go to anyone with. honestly there are few people who i think would understand or even respect that my struggle is a real one. i literally feel as though i am living in two bodies, my new self is my regular outfit, but every once in a while i’ll put on my old self. i’m like a blind man who was healed, who is now walking around with his eyes shut. i’m ignoring the spiritual warfare that i usually am vigilant about fighting and looking out for, and acting as though i was in peacetime. but this rut i’m in is no peace time, it’s satan’s foothold in my heart making me feel as though i can just be this wish washy person and indulge in desires that seem harmless right now though i KNOW from my own past how deadly they can be for me, personally. but it’s like i am thinking i am just innocently dabbling and that it can’t hurt. how stupid can i be? how stupid am i to go against everything i KNOW is true and have woken up every morning these past two years on fire for? this morning scared me just because i woke up not caring about anything. and i can’t explain this feeling. i can almost visualize the wall i have built around my mind lately.
the only thing i can think of is that hopefully when i get back to richmond i will get back in the groove of things and throw all of this aside. and i know that that is a pretty sure bet, but what really disappoints me is that this month was a test of how much i love God in my spare time, when i’m alone, in the deepest pits of my heart. and i failed to persevere and to learn. instead i crumbled and went back to things God once so gracefully pried me away from. but the thing is is that i KNOW he forgives me and loves me and knows me just the same. i just feel lost and scared and discouraged and alone.
i’m looking into my future and picturing myself without Jesus beside me. i’m painting this picture in my head that says, i can’t do it. or maybe i can. maybe i’m good enough? i am good enough. i’m not good enough. i hope i am good enough.
but when i am regularly talking and listening to God, and seeking him out in everyday things, i am filled with this peace that says, i am loved and cared for. i have a purpose and i can do all things through him who strengthens me, according to his will for my life, and his love and goodness. he saved me.
i miss that, i want that. do i want to live for him who created me, knows me, loves me? or do i want to live for myself, who is unintelligent, uneducated, wayward and unloving by nature-who has selfish and sinful desires that have no assurance, no satisfaction, no life?
James 1:8
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
i know this because God has put people in my life where I have seen this as so true. but now i’m in that position. saying no to what i want is so hard sometimes just because it’s so easy. persevering for Christ isn’t easy and never has been, but it brings me the most joy of anything i have ever experienced- it is a deep satisfaction that is always, always available to me and it helps me understand and get through everything else in this life.
my desires for the things of this world and my longing for him have two very different results. i know the things God has shown me when i am living for him, when i am obedient to him. he’s shown me these things through conversations i have had with people, through waiting on hardships, through suffering and uncertainty. he has shown me the glory of living for him in other people- some more than others, but always enough to at least tell me, hold on, this is all that matters.
only because of God have i completed assignments that i should have failed because of my unfaithfulness. only by his grace did i even get into college in the first place. only because of God have i met incredible people, each with their own brokenness. ONLY because of God do i have any friends at all- and only because of God have I somehow been able to love them back, and been significant part of their lives because of how I have been obedient - through sacrifice, patience and humility, all traits that are absolutely not in my nature- have I been able to love people like God has loved me.
i’ve seen Christian friends of mine give up. and i see their life and i see that i absolutely do not want that. i want to tear my hair out knowing what they have given up because of fear, alcohol, sex, social insecurity and the love of money and success according to this world.
James 1:13-15
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
i know this all too well.
i know what i need to choose. it’s just so easy to give in, indulge, turn away, spit in his face and all of what he has done for me and the people he has given me to love.
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