Last night

i don’t relaly want to go into detail about what happened to me last night because it ruined my night and my morning and i felt so, so dirty and disgusting and didn’t know how to properly convey my feelings while alone in my room except to read psalms until i fell asleep,

but the fact that i don’t want to taint my sweet little free time with something so heavy, is really despicable to me, last night made me confused and convicted, and i need to talk about it. every once in a while satan and the fact that sin when full grown is death, becomes very real and very scary to me. but i’m just so thankful that I have jesus in my heart. a few days ago while i was driving i let myself think about my goals, my schedule, my course of events for the day. the car i was sitting in, the clothes i was wearing, the contents of my backpack, the people i was going to meet. everything in my life is an overflow of knowing God loves me and has a plan for me and will provide for me according to his mercy and not my comfort- his mercy means the ways he pushes me to know him more. even in the awful times of life i have to be able to see that in those situations God is able, more than able to conform me more and more to his image, and that is all that really matters in life. my week at young life camp was hard. since i’ve been back God has broken me, and I’ve had to go back to the root of my identity- I’m God’s daughter. I was dead in my sin, surviving day by day in a rotting, dying world, but I was bought with a price and given the inheritance of eternal life in Jesus because he loves me, and to him, I am worth it- he knows my identity, as his daughter- even though I’m still trying to figure out what that means in the long haul. year after year i understand it more, but while i was at a stop light the other day, i gripped the steering wheel suddenly as I let myself wonder what life would be like if I know i was dead in my sin, and I didn’t have Jesus. I surely wouldn’t have gotten out of bed that morning. I don’t know what I would have done back before I was a Christian, if i continued on that path. I honestly don’t think I would be here, as in, alive, and definitely not in college, with the sanity, confidence and love that I have now.

if I’m not God’s daughter, who am I? I have no identity. I’m dead as far as the universe is concerned. and all of my actions would be dust turned back to dust. but instead I know that God created me for a purpose- to glorify him, to know his love intimately and to love others with that love and have them know Jesus as their savior, so everyone can come back into God’s family and live with him forever. and in that purpose I am absolutely satisfied without question.

I’m the kind of person who, if I lose my sense of direction, I panic and all seems lost and I am habilitated by fear and often can’t bring myself to trek on, convinced of failure and disappointment. If I didn’t have that simple thing in my life- assurance of direction, purpose, identity and acceptance- not just that i’m merely accepted but loved so much that my King would die for me? All of those things are things that people wander through life always desiring and never finding in a way that is permanent. not just permanent- but direction, purpose, identity and acceptance that loves them back. i don’t deserve that in my sin. but God loves me and has given me his inheritance of eternal life, he’s giving that to me as his pure and blameless daughter. because of Jesus, that is mine, because of Jesus, I am apart of that “royal priesthood,” holy nation, chosen people, a person that God took for his own possession, i belong with him- and because of that my life is all about telling the world what I have because of his grace, and that they can have it too. 1 Peter 2:9.

i went to the ampitheater to watch a production of hairspray with a few friends i haven’t seen in a while. they were biking home but i have been borrowing my friend’s car this month so they said they’d call me when they got to their house. i went to 7/11 to buy water because the water in our house is nasty. i bought two big bottles for $2. I have very little money lately because of stupid bank problems so i’m living on like 50$ my friend lent me til funds transfer from my parents. i got in my car again and went to leave the parking lot, then i see this small older homeless looking woman sitting on the curb, grasping her one side of her ribs tightly with one hand, rocking back and forth, sobbing. richmond i know is a scary and dangerous place on a friday night. i became worried and frantically prayed out loud for this lady that she’d be okay. then i thought this was an okay time to be the answer to prayer and attach myself to the situation. i want to preface the rest of this story by saying that i don’t want to say all this because i’m this great good samaritan selfless person and that i do this regularly, though i have done stuff like this more than once. it’s not out of my own courage or righteousness it’s purely because God puts things heavy on my conscience and i have, by his grace, gotten into the habit of submitting to his guidance in situations like this. i don’t advise anyone to really chat up random homeless people by yourself at night, but if you feel strongly that God is calling you at a certain time, pray to him to protect you and have mercy on you, and go for it.

I put my hazards on and got out of the car, went to ask her if she was alright. she told me her boyfriend tried to put her lights out. she told me if she says one wrong word he beats her and curses at her. this time he tried to strangle her, all while he was drunk- she said they had been together for 10 years, she loves him and can’t leave him, but alcohol makes him a different person. he was homeless- she has a place, but he lives with her. blahblablah. awful stuff. i mean typically many homeless people, especially homeless women have awful stories like this- but for me, the fact that it is commonplace doesn’t make it any less horrifying. i went back and parked my car, and went back to sit with her. we talked some more. she hadn’t eaten all day so i went and bought her a sandwich and juice. she smelled like alcohol but i don’t think she was drunk, or very drunk if she was. she was 53, tiny, named Robin, she says everyone has given her the nickname “lil mama” and she can’t get away from it, but i could tell she liked it and was proud of it. she was so, so sweet and humble and would censor the curse words when she quoted what her boyfriend would call her. Bitch, retarded, worthless, good for nothing. I told her that she’s none of those things, that she has worth and that she’s good for something and she looked like she was going to cry again. how long was it since someone else besides herself confidently told her she wasn’t worthless?

another woman came up to us, walked past us. she looked in her early thirties, black, wearing capri pants and a red shirt. her period blood had soaked through the seat of her pants. she came up to us and softly asked if either of us had cold water. i went and got one of the two big bottles that i had bought for myself, gave it to her. we all talked, and she seemed very disoriented, quiet, solemn. later on i asked her if she was feeling okay and she said she was on her period, her tampon slipped out andshe didnt have any more. i cringed thinking she must have had it in for more than 8 hours, which is one of my bigger fears. i told her i could go get her pads and tampons if she wanted. she said yes, and if i had a pair of underwear, that would be great too. she didn’t seem like the warmest person in the world, so this wasnt like the warmest sweetest gushiest exchange of love ever- it was merely an acknowledgement of yes, i need tampons. yes, if you have them, give them to me. she didn’t thank me, but i was kind of glad she didn’t. it was just one woman looking out for another woman- it should be nature, not a favor.

i got in my car, went home, chatted with my new roommate briefly before getting pads and tampons for the woman, and went out to get back in my friends car. the key got completely jammed in the lock, and i had one of the most vocal prayers i’ve had in a long time- i knew God was walking with me and had a purpose for me. no one was around and it was about 12:30 midnight. I kept trying to shove the key, pull the key, twist the key, cram the key, to the point where i was convinced it would break. i leaned against the car, exhausted and simmering, trying not to scream- it was a struggle between knowing that God’s timing is above my own schedule and worry, and being desperately worried that the ladies thought i had abandoned them. i said that out loud to God, and then said, but please, please, unlock this door, don’t let me get mad, don’t let me sin right now, help me trust you, don’t let me lose my temper, bless those women, help me get to them, send help, don’t let me get mad, i’m sorry, bUT PLEASE UNLOCK THIS DOOR!!! i was all alone but must have looked crazy, yelling at my car at this point. FINALLY, as if there were no problem at all, the key turned and slipped out, i gasped and immediately began my thankyouthankyouthankyous and got in the car and sped to the 7/11 where the women had disappeared. I didn’t lose my cool, because keys don’t just get jammed in the car door for the longest 7 minutes of my life when i’m frantically trying to get tampons to a homeless lady. God had a plan, even if i wasn’t there to see it. i parked at walked all the way around the sketchy 7/11, calling Robin’s name. at one point some obnoxious smart alec college kid called out his car window, “Robin’s not here,” and his friends tittered. I didn’t have the motivation to get pissed because they don’t know who Robin is or what was going through my heart at that point, or why I even cared about her so much in the past hour. On my way over from my house to the 7/11, i found myself praying that they would “somehow be able to get on their feet again, have a house, have a job, blahblabblah” but a sharp piece of scripture came to mind and stabbed me a little bit. Matthew 19:24- Jesus said “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

was i praying for them to be plagued by the ways Satan clouds my vision of God, in my comfort? the Son of Man didn’t have a place to lay his head. All his friends abandoned him the day he died. God’s mercy and love was enough for him, and Jesus was so crushed by his desire to save his friends, that he took all of their imperfections and eternal debt, and buried it in the ground for him when he died- and when he conquered death, came back to life, his friends got to see themselves resurrected that day too, face to face, living proof that they were absolutely free from the chains of sin. Jesus wasn’t weak. He had little to nothing, but his love and drive to bless and exalt God and his friends- the entire world(including you and me), his willingness to be the servant of all servants (Philippians 2- Christ’s humility), was what kept him going everyday- made all of the suffering, homelessness, nomadic and misunderstood life all worth it.

I realized the irony in praying for them to be covered with the same glazed eyes as I have had my eyes veiled by on and off my whole life- the smoke of comfort and the illusion that we are in peacetime, when as Christians, our identity includes being hated by the world corrupted by sin, the kingdom ruled by Satan.

I then instead prayed for God’s mercy, not according to my understanding. Whatever it takes to bring me close to him, to bring them close to him. That can look a number of different ways- Solomon, richest man in the world- possibly at times, one of the most miserable. Or Job- possibly the most miserable man in the bible. Most known for his longsuffering. Whatever the case, God’s purpose is compassion and mercy, and we don’t know what that looks like, because we’re not God.

After a while, I gave up. Decided to go home, and I was okay with that, i did what i could. i drove up the block, and immediately spotted the black woman i met sitting on the curb.i put my hazards on again, jumped out and gave her the bag of tampons, pads, and lightly used pair of underwear. she seemed confused saying, “how did you find me” but I just gave her the stuff, asked her her name, Jen, told her it was nice meeting her, and gave her a quick hug. As this was happening, A 60-something short, white-haired white man sat about 6 feet away from jen on the curb. I said bye, got in my car, but took my time buckling up, eyeing the man. he was obviously not homeless, with a pressed short sleeve button up shirt and kaki shorts. they both looked shifty. it was 1am. I rolled down the window and said, Sir, do you need something, a few times and he didn’t respond. finally, Jen came up and told me “oh i’m fine, i dont need anything, my period will probably be over tomorrow.” and i pointed at the man and said, what about him? she said, i don’t know, he’s fine, and walked away to sit on the curb again. I watched as the man went through his wallet. One-dollar bills. I felt a sick lurch in my stomach. I yelled louder, “Sir, are you bothering her?” and he finally looked at me, with an indignant expression, and I repeated myself, and he said, no, but it bothers me that you think i’m bothering her! am i bothering you? he said to Jen, and she shook her head and said no. he said again, but it bothers me that you think i’m bothering her! even more angry. I said, “I’m just looking out for her. please make good decisions tonight,” and finally drove away.
Once again i really hope this doesn’t sound like me painting myself as this great person because i just somehow got caught up int he middle of all of this and it was extremely sickening and God just put this deep ache for Jen and Robin in my heart. My phone had died, and when I got home i plugged it in and called 9-1-1 and reported that a suspected a man attempting to coerce a woman i had met that night into prostitution. i don’t know if that is somethign she did regularly, although it woudl make sense, how else would she make money? I felt nauseous. All Robin and Jen said they wanted was “some place to crash” that night. I couldn’t give them that, and i didn’t have guilt over that cos i did what i could do. I just prayed that it would somehow be okay for Jen, Robin and the man with the one dollar bills.

this is what i couldn’t stop thinking about

Robin was told she was worthless. That man was trying to buy Jen’s body with a few dollar bills.
We have worth. More than a handful of cash. To God, who created us, we are worth so much that he would his one and only holy Son, whose blood was shed in our place. Jesus was crucified, he paid the ultimate price, gave everything so that we would come back to him. He wants us back so, so badly, and he hurts for us so, so deeply. Last night i saw that perhaps God was the only person who truly saw and loved Jen and Robin, and he put me there to see that I was once lost and he chased after me and bought me back from sin, death, who owned me. He walks with me day to day, he holds me, tells me he loves me, he can’t wait to be with me in heaven where the church, the bride of Christ will be made perfect again. he pursues me even when i stray from him again. he’s so good to me, teaches me about life as it is meant to be, and suffers when I choose my old love, my sin over him time and again- but he will never, ever leave me or forsake me. He loves me, and he loves Jen and Robin and he loves you, and he wants you to come back to him. Choose his love that gives life, leave your sin in the ground where it was buried. Makes me examine my own sin, my own sexual sin, my own waywardness, the things i kept hidden, the sin i inflict on my own body.
It has been a while since I have been able to go back to the basics- God loves me. He died for me. I’m his now, and always will be. God is love, and he will be in my heart forever.

1 Corinthians 6:12-20
12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”[b] 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.[c]
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

YL Camp 2011

i'm leaving for a 12 or 13 hour bus ride tonight at 10pm to go to Saranac Lake for my first Young Life summer camp as a leader.
i am struggling with not feeling prepared, not feeling excited, feeling more nervous about getting in the way than helping out but the fact of the matter is that i need to remember what we have talked about this whole year- that as leaders, we are the ones who walk into the camp not just to have fun and make friends and bond with kids- but we walk in realizing that we have just entered the site of intense, intense spiritual warfare and that Satan is absolutely at work in many of those kids' hearts, blinding them in their ignorance of the wages of sin. and i think that what is going on right now in my head is that Satan has tried to get me to forget that- that there is so much going on unseen at camp that we need to be vigilant of in prayer and petition. I'm not going to be a nuisance just because I don't have my own big group of girls going- only one of my girls, Alisa is going. and that is weird for me, being a leader for one girl, but oh my God, it must be that God wants me to be alone with her. it's not a matter of awkwardness but of a dire need for me to dedicate myself wholly to her this week in a spirit of love and prayer and joy and patience and steadfastness. i need to be faithful to what God has done in my life, and express to her that God has revealed to me in my life that there is nothing worth living for other than Jesus. I just pray that God will give me words to say and to not worry about that- that he doesn't call the equipped, but he absolutely equips the called. and you know, when i let myself think of it it really does make me want to melt, i don't know why he chose me, but as sick and twisted i have been in my old self, i have the inheritance of Jesus in my heart through faith that is "imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time (1 Peter 1:4)"
i don't know if i'm being tested or tempted, but probably just both, i don't know. this past month i have been so enticed by my old desires and i know Satan would love it if i went into camp thinking, I'm not good enough, I don't have a right to speak or lead, I'm just in the way. no- God wants me there and he wants me to be vigilant for his glory and for Alisa's salvation, and many other girls who I haven't even met yet in the cabin I'm staying in. I just hope that i have boldness to say what needs to be said in a gentle, quiet and pure spirit.
This week will be a challenge for me to allow myself to realize how dependent I am on God's word. I've never had to do this before under such circumstances, but God has given me a lot of grace the past week or so to ensure that I am actually locked away from my evil desires- that's another story but a combination of events and accidents lead me to get the things done that needed to get done, when I could have been inside hiding my light from the world.
I don't have a whole lot more to say but i figured i should say/write something before I leave to camp and if anyone sees this before I leave, please pray for me, pray for Alisa, pray for our cabin and just that we will all have our eyes opened to our sin, but most of all, Jesus.

thanks and just a word of advice- in the trials of your faith, when you think there is no trial and you are just coasting waiting for the next big thing in life- know that the temptation of laziness, apathy, fear and timidity is sneaky and feels natural. don't let yourself slip.

as far as the Christian community goes wherever you are- in your church, youth group, young life, high school, college, or family- if you are NOT a part of the solution, you ARE a part of the problem.

i got this quote on a bottlecap of tea the other day, "Everyday we must choose whether we want to improve the world or enjoy the world- and it makes it hard to plan the day." I thought that was especially true for Christians. chose to improve the world and enjoy seeing your friends go from death to life.

when all you have is sunshine, you end up with a desert

my desires are tearing me apart. i really wish i had a christian friend to talk this out with because i feel that i have been very double minded. except this isn’t something i can go to anyone with. honestly there are few people who i think would understand or even respect that my struggle is a real one. i literally feel as though i am living in two bodies, my new self is my regular outfit, but every once in a while i’ll put on my old self. i’m like a blind man who was healed, who is now walking around with his eyes shut. i’m ignoring the spiritual warfare that i usually am vigilant about fighting and looking out for, and acting as though i was in peacetime. but this rut i’m in is no peace time, it’s satan’s foothold in my heart making me feel as though i can just be this wish washy person and indulge in desires that seem harmless right now though i KNOW from my own past how deadly they can be for me, personally. but it’s like i am thinking i am just innocently dabbling and that it can’t hurt. how stupid can i be? how stupid am i to go against everything i KNOW is true and have woken up every morning these past two years on fire for? this morning scared me just because i woke up not caring about anything. and i can’t explain this feeling. i can almost visualize the wall i have built around my mind lately.

the only thing i can think of is that hopefully when i get back to richmond i will get back in the groove of things and throw all of this aside. and i know that that is a pretty sure bet, but what really disappoints me is that this month was a test of how much i love God in my spare time, when i’m alone, in the deepest pits of my heart. and i failed to persevere and to learn. instead i crumbled and went back to things God once so gracefully pried me away from. but the thing is is that i KNOW he forgives me and loves me and knows me just the same. i just feel lost and scared and discouraged and alone.

i’m looking into my future and picturing myself without Jesus beside me. i’m painting this picture in my head that says, i can’t do it. or maybe i can. maybe i’m good enough? i am good enough. i’m not good enough. i hope i am good enough.

but when i am regularly talking and listening to God, and seeking him out in everyday things, i am filled with this peace that says, i am loved and cared for. i have a purpose and i can do all things through him who strengthens me, according to his will for my life, and his love and goodness. he saved me.

i miss that, i want that. do i want to live for him who created me, knows me, loves me? or do i want to live for myself, who is unintelligent, uneducated, wayward and unloving by nature-who has selfish and sinful desires that have no assurance, no satisfaction, no life?

James 1:8

A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

i know this because God has put people in my life where I have seen this as so true. but now i’m in that position. saying no to what i want is so hard sometimes just because it’s so easy. persevering for Christ isn’t easy and never has been, but it brings me the most joy of anything i have ever experienced- it is a deep satisfaction that is always, always available to me and it helps me understand and get through everything else in this life.

my desires for the things of this world and my longing for him have two very different results. i know the things God has shown me when i am living for him, when i am obedient to him. he’s shown me these things through conversations i have had with people, through waiting on hardships, through suffering and uncertainty. he has shown me the glory of living for him in other people- some more than others, but always enough to at least tell me, hold on, this is all that matters.

only because of God have i completed assignments that i should have failed because of my unfaithfulness. only by his grace did i even get into college in the first place. only because of God have i met incredible people, each with their own brokenness. ONLY because of God do i have any friends at all- and only because of God have I somehow been able to love them back, and been significant part of their lives because of how I have been obedient - through sacrifice, patience and humility, all traits that are absolutely not in my nature- have I been able to love people like God has loved me.

i’ve seen Christian friends of mine give up. and i see their life and i see that i absolutely do not want that. i want to tear my hair out knowing what they have given up because of fear, alcohol, sex, social insecurity and the love of money and success according to this world.

James 1:13-15

13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

i know this all too well.

i know what i need to choose. it’s just so easy to give in, indulge, turn away, spit in his face and all of what he has done for me and the people he has given me to love.