wanna be as beautiful as ya make me feel

so stupid being quietly unrequited because it's comfortable, wise and safe. but there's nothing else you can do but wait, pray... and rot in your heartsquish.
no i dont love someone in richmond.
pointless love for people i so admire and long to be like, long to be respected by like i burn with respect and admiration and attraction and other good feelings towards.
i miss the days when this attraction spurred about action in my heart instead of this awful crappy feeling where my butt feels eternaly cemented to my bed, my laptop cemented to my lap, my heart cemented to you, and also, the floor, squashed beneath your cooler pair of shoes. i want to be with someone who makes me want to be better and believe that i can be...someone whose respect i desire, and can practically attain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i want to be the kind of person i wish i could find since that is likely to not happen for a long while, which is fine, i really hope i get into cal arts, and if i do i will probably be going through intense changes and i have no idea how different i might become just after a year. i'm kind of scared. i already feel sad sometimes thinking, like sara quin would say, "remember when i was so strange and likeable? nothing like this person, unloveable."
the things i want in a man are like, really pointless for me to list because all of them for me are half hearted. i don't care. i just really desire to be with someone whose personality slams mine with compatibility and our faiths mesh together so well and that we would edify each other and glorify God with our relationship and love others through it and keep each other accountable and blahb lah blah blah blah it doesn't matter because this is going to happen because God loves me and knows my needs. although i'm super in love crush with an unattainable, really wonderful person whom i have prayed for every day for a while now,, it is relaxing having a season wher ei ahve completely let go of the hope of clicking with someone. after meeting this person i was freshened with the realization that this, this is what i should wait for. except more. now everything pales in comparison and it is actually fantastic. i won't fall in love unless it hits me like a train hits a stupid unsuspecting deer caught in its headlights. really stupd post but i'm tired and sad and i long for this person so much but haha its great because unrequited love is great inspiration for art and whatever and i'm not complaining but ugh sigh can't help but want part of this person to belong to me, even though i have never known what that looks like, but whatever dawg
i just love him T_T i want him to be okay and know Jesus