i am extremely desperate. for answers, mercy and consolation from something outside myself. :( not a particularly bad place to be because i know things are moving forward, it's just scary finding myself peering into such pure uncertainty. i want to cry because the refiner's fire burns me, but i know i'll come out as something beautiful. but i'm not going to lie. as exciting as it is, there are the moments where it's scary and it hurts. yet, God commands us to not fear, to be strong and courageous. because of his love for us, he doesn't give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. without him i wouldn't be able to leave my house, let alone pick up and move forward in any aspect of my life.
i know myself and by nature i am a miserable failure, full of doubt, dispair, laziness and fear. i would be suffocated and spineless.
but jesus took those things with him to the grave. it is no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me. looking at the fact that i am a somewhat competent artist and adult for my age makes me tremble in awe of how much Christ much have overcome in order to bring me to anything good- so much good.
each hour of the day is different. just a while ago i was going to write something completely different, and much more light hearted and hopeful- today i have been crushed with an onslaught of hope for the future, but the wider the door opens, the more i am gently nudged towards jumping out into an open abyss of possibility. possibility of failure, of debt, of hopelessness, friendlessness, rejection, and time wasted. and yet, at the same time, the possibility of trusting that what God promises me is true, that he is always with me and will never forsake me.
I'm choosing to trust, because I have nothing else. i have nothing left to do but to run as fast as my body can take down the aisle into Jesus' love and trust that through him, i can do all things because of his strenght and not my own. i have enough proof to know i have no strength of my own, and without him i'd just wander into dead places to rot. but He sees me and knows me, knows who I am meant to be and he has dug me out of those dead places and breathed new life into me. he saw me when i was unseen, lost and alone and loved me, so much that he'd die to buy me back into his family, to have the same inheritance as him, eternal life, beginning the second I let him into my heart. I'm living eternal life now.
I have so many feelings surrounding this time of my life and almost all are good. it's just so intense I can barely handle slowing down to contemplate the hopelessness outside of trusting that if God has taken me this far, he will surely take me infinite miles more.
the week preceding my rejection, the song Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken was heavy on my heart.
the first verse especially completely sums up everything I am feeling about all of this.
Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my All shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.
on top of that, at our Prayer for VCUarts meeting the night before the morning I got my decision email, I finally was honest with myself and with God in front of my friends. I told them I was sick of waiting. Talking about CalArts was like rotting soil in my mouth, i felt i was like spewing garbage. My life has felt as thought i've been on hold for 2 years and I continue to project a wishful, expectant face, when I am growing a spirit of desperate contempt for myself as my patience wore and wore. I was hungry for God's answer. I didn't care what it was anymore, I just wanted his words to me, the final word of direction. I didn't know what to say. I could barely get out the words.
when we were done praying, my friend wrote down a psalm on a panera receipt that he read recently that helped him through a large lot of anxiousness and uncertainty. I went home, didn't open my computer like i usually do, feeling emotionally drained. I opened up Psalm 143, and began to read the very words of my heart in front of me, the words i couldn't say after about a week of dry prayers.
Psalm 143
"Oh Lord, hear my prayer. Listen to my cry for mercy. In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgement, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground, he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead, so my spirit grows faint within me! My heart within me is dismayed! I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, oh Lord, my spirit fails! Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, oh Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your good spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, oh Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."
in the morning, the email was in my inbox. i couldn't breath for like 30 seconds-
"answer me quickly" was the part that felt like the big sigh i had been holding in for a year. and praise God for relieving me the very next morning. Thank you God. it was a sweet, bittersweet hug from my heavenly father. I haven't mentioned this to a lot of people but I had to go to work 30 minutes after I opened the decision email with my mom on the phone. We cried some.
I don't know how to explain it but that morning, in the shower, as I was getting ready, when i went to work, I had this incredible feeling I have only very seldom felt. I felt the most tangible love I have ever felt from God, I think. I felt him hold me as I emotionally collapsed after this marathon my heart has been running all this time. I cried because I felt so loved in the arms of a Father who knows me so deeply and loves me, and has promised to give me everything if I ask in his name. And I was so certain I had asked it all in his name, and this was it, him giving me what I asked.
I didn't ask to get into CalArts, but to be drawn to a place where I would know and love him more. And he has done exactly that, given me the grace to be back at the foot of the cross, desperate for his love that flows freely without end. it felt like putting on fresh new skin. a fresh, new heart.
The whole time I was waiting to hear back from CalArts, I didn't want to boast about tomorrow at all, because I knew the fat possibility of me not getting in, despite so many people, including CalArts folks, assuring me of my adequacy and acceptance to the school. Many people said to me, if you don't get in, it just means God has something better for you.
whenever people would say that, i'd just quietly think, there really isn't anything better than CalArts, that's the thing. I couldn't, and still can't imagine anything better than CalArts after everything I've sought. and yet, i barely let myself admit, maybe that is the point. The rejection that may come would be God saying, the worth of knowing Christ surpasses the worth of anything else in this world. your richest gain you can count as loss, compared to knowing how I love you.
Philippians 3:8
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..
So, the golden vision of going to CalArts and being transformed into a animation superstar, i can basically count as complete garbage in light of knowing Jesus. honestly, none of it matters without Jesus. I do art because God refines me with it, and sanctifies me through the trial and error, and incredibly difficult searching of my own heart- led by his spirit. I want to be more like Jesus. And that is what he has given me. I wouldn't trade it for anything. so PRAISE GOD and i thank him so much for giving me Jesus and hope. he has given me something better, when i couldn't believe it existed. I don't now what it means or what it is, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I have been praying and have so far been encouraged to consider applying again, like many CalArts character animation students had to do before getting in. I don't want to be foolish, but if you read all this, will you please pray for me, and ask God to show me clearly what to do, and give me peace and confidence in any decision, and that it would be an act of pursuing HIM, and not a dream that ultimately is complete garbage in comparison to his love.
I am exhausted from writing all this, but I needed to share this with you guys. because it is GOOD news. we are rejected by the world, but ACCEPTED by God, and into heaven. pray that his kingdom come on earth right now, just as it is in heaven. Jesus is the resurrection and the life, and we have him NOW. it's exciting to step out in faith to see what that truly means.
Thanks for loving me and know that all of this, is YOURS too, and it's not by works but by faith in Jesus Christ. your identity is not in your profession or relationships or art. it is in Christ, as God's sons and daughters. remember that and remember that God commands us to rejoice. Grace came in the form of a blameless man dying on a cross- sometimes grace in your life will be hideous and painful, but know that life will come out of it.
i'm done, i love you, good night. Praise Jesus. new chapter.
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