i just feel like it'd be fantastic to cry. like have a really good cry. i feel so apathetic about everything lately even though so much is on my shoulders and i have so much to do, sort out, pray about, act on. i don't want to do any of it and i have no capacity for anything good, only selfish things, i hope i am resting but i don't feel prepared or focused to go out and do anything. gotta sell all my stuff gotta make a crap ton of money to go to YL camp gotta look for jobs gotta talk to my dad even though family times are in a weird spot, about moving/visiting california gotta find housing gotta figure out when i'm leaving/how to make all the money i need i have $2 in my bank account, i live paycheck to paycheck, and i can't afford frivolous things, i don't know what's going to happen. i know God is going to provide. i just want to cry about it. i want some emotions, sad or happy, anything but the self loathing and overwhelming feeling i am avoiding..i don't know. i just want to be broken so i can be built back up again even stronger and prepared for what's to come, but i'm in a likely-to-be-short season of self-preservation. i don't need to do that though. mostly i just don't know WHERE to start, and i have NO idea where go to for help, my prayer is weak. i have NO IDEA HOW TO GROW UP AND PICK UP AND LEAVE TO ANOTHER STATE when i ahve no money but sure as hell need to get out of richmond. everything is just super annoying and i don't know what to do. i just want to sleep all day. :/