"If there was no way into God, I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long." - mwY
this might be kind of intense but: I sometimes strongly feel like my soul/spirit exists elsewhere and my current body is a shell. God is my only hiding place. his love is endlessly huge and vast- it stretches over me and shelters even the most far off, dark, abandoned, emotionally shredded parts of me. Earlier in my life I wrestled with strong feelings of wanting to leave my body, either by wishing (and feeling) that I was not female or wishing I were dead, sometimes both. Those thoughts still make sense to me now, but having a relationship with God completely transformed that part of me and cast those feelings in a completely different light. My relationship with Jesus deeply grounds me and gives me hope to live in a way absolutely that no other relationship or life decision ever has, could, or will. He is the light that does not burn out and the one who will never leave or forsake me. He has nothing selfish to gain or to lose by loving me. I know who I am, and I viscerally reject everything the world tells me is what it means to be a woman. I know I'm a woman, and being a woman means something completely different in God's eyes; he created it to be safe and he created it to be holy. He knows me fully and loves me perfectly, and he does not objectify or compare me. He sets me free from the feelings of being trapped and misunderstood by merely existing. He forgives and frees me from the bondage of harmful, sinful behavior and coping strategies. Since i am a sinner and the world is broken, I might never feel 100% at home in my body in my lifetime. i hope i do. however, i do know that God has promised me a new, perfect body in the resurrection and jesus will have made all things in the world right. I still have lots of hang ups that I am working through, but one of the biggest differences now is that back then, abandoning my body was a solution that made perfect sense to me. Now, as soon as I hear that voice in my head i absolutely know that is from the enemy and he so, so badly wants to make sure I never see the healing, protection, hope and joy that God has for me-- and I have to continue to guard my heart fiercely and keep pursuing being transformed into the person God created me to be
Friday, April 29, 2016
Sunday, March 22, 2015
update
I'm just going to jump right in as though I have not been absent from this blog for a year:
It has almost been a couple weeks over a year since I had a huge anxiety attack that left me a bit mentally unhinged. I still feel that way now. It certainly isn't as bad as it was, but this year has been very difficult.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression significantly this past year. I don't even know where to start. Spring 2014 was awful... The summer was awful. Fall was OK. Spring 2015 has been OK. Last summer I finally hit a point where I was desperate for help, and my only safe person was my boyfriend, which wasn't a healthy for our relationship at some point. I found a counselor through my church who I was seeing for free which helped a lot. I found a therapist through her, and began seeing her seriously as soon as 2015 started. That helped significantly.
I was diagnosed with ADD by my therapist (who is also a woman with ADD, which was so cool), and had a very discouraging and demoralizing conversation with my doctor while trying to discuss my diagnosis and trying medication. I hit a point where I was sat my last, last leg and was afraid I was facing failing all of my classes due to my huge amount of anxiety, focus issues and mood issues. I was desperate and the diagnosis of ADD set my heart free. I have suspected I have ADD since high school, and once I discovered the huge difference between female ADD and male ADD, I was absolutely shocked. A lot of the hyperactivity that gets ADHD boys in trouble in school is manifested as anxiety in girls. The specific kinds of anxiety were things I have struggled with for years.
Jason, my boyfriend, was so sweet and found a doctor for me who took my insurance, was a Christian, was taking new patients AND specialized in ADD/Anxiety. I got to see him the very next day after the bad appt with my doctor. he talked to me for 15 minutes and said "yeah. you definitely have it." THANK YOU, music to my ears, seriously. My whole life I've told myself, I'm the way I am because I'm a stupid, incompetent, scatterbrained, underdeveloped, shitty excuse for a woman. I also recently recounted the incredible amounts of traumatic brain injuries I endured when I was younger- I always had a feeling that might have affected my brain. And now I feel so much better knowing there are physical reasons why certain things are so LITERALLY impossible for me to do, understand, learn, process.
Digipen is a dark place. We recently had a town hall meeting for the BFA (all years present), and after the heads of the department left, the students opened up to the Student Affairs people about the absolutely enormous prevalence and severity of anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts among the BFA students. I know of 2 students who in their time at this school attempted suicide. There is such a darkness preventing change from happening here, and the negativity really affects me, too. I try hard to be positive when I can, but so often I am also drawing from my last strength. (God is sooo good and faithful to sustain me, and provide for all of my needs- really, really he has done amazing things and although things are still rough, I have made so much progress.)
After my anxiety attack last year (which happened about a month or two before my last post here) I completely shut down socially. I was unrecognizable to myself for a long time. I also discovered I had a HUGE, HUGE issue with drawing boundaries for myself with emotionally abusive people who took advantage of my kindness, time and energy. I had to cut people out fast, because I felt one emotional upheaval away from things really going downhill.
The most recent example of this was having to tell a friend of mine I could not talk to them until after this semester was over, because they were often finding me in my work space while I was under great stress, working 15 hours a day, taking almost no breaks and not talking to anyone except my boyfriend and my therapists (unless someone interrupted me while working.) This person would sit down and pour all of their emotional burdens onto me, sometimes to the point of tears. Although being burnt out I still viscerally respond to someone when they are in pain. I give them all of my attention. But over time I realized I lived in terror that this person would find me while I was working, completely derailing my workflow (struggling SO freaking hard with ADD issues). These kinds of conversations would lead me to going to bed at 3am rather than midnight- which would often pit me into great vulnerability for greater anxiety, stress, depression, irritability and inability to focus. I suddenly cut this person out of my life after they messaged me, telling me to "stop being such a fake, shiney, perfect person who doesn't tell people what they are thinking." This person also said things like I was selfish for not sharing my emotional baggage with them. (which I did, but they were never really listening.) They would grow passive aggressive when I would drop them off at their house and give them signals that I needed to leave and not talk for an hour in the car. I never thought someone would attack me for "not giving enough" of myself to them- when I gave them more than I gave anyone besides my boyfriend. This was also while I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to give anyone because I was running on empty.
Anyway- I was and still am in a season where I am dealing with a Venn diagram of different issues:
ADD, Anxiety, PMDD, Boundary issues (have gotten much better), and personal baggage (has gotten better). The ADD portion has explained to me my overwhelming sensitivity to my environment. I can't work when people are talking, I absolutely can't multitask, I often sometimes can't even work with people sitting next to me. It sounds completely stupid in neurotic, but I guess I just never realized I was this way to begin with because I have never been in an environment like Digipen before. Privacy here is absolutely impossible and it drives me up the wall. Especially since so many people are dealing with anxiety/depression issues, it's toxic that people don't have a place to remove themselves from negative people holding negative conversations- which makes the mood of all eavesdroppers plummet.
This is a huge problem for me:
When people strike up casual conversation with me while I am working. I can't help it, I feel like they are being so inconsiderate of the fact that I am obviously focused/working/under stress. I honestly feel the most loved by people who I connect with emotionally but leave me alone and never approach me. Even in the cafe, I grow extremely irritable when someone sits down with me uninvited. I am so overwhelmed with stress and unpleasant thoughts -for someone to invite themselves into my 15 minutes of nothingness and peace is absolutely (prepare for crazy thought) the most unloving and triggering act they could commit toward me. What especially irritates me is "you look so lonely!" I wish they didn't say anything to me, would stop looking at me, and ignore me and leave. I don't want to perform for this person. That's all I do, when people talk to me, I muster all of my remaining energy that I need to protect the sanity and tenderness of my own wellbeing and I give it to them. I fucking hate talking about myself genuinely because they don't understand my issues, and I only come off as miserable and unwelcoming, and I make them feel uncomfortable. I hate making people uncomfortable because guess what! I am still the same person- I still seriously care about them. I wish they did not look at my face, and comment on how ragged/tired/stressed I look. Why? I wish I had a face that gave people the hint that I want to be alone!!!! These conversations do not bond me to those people- it makes it worse. It divides us and I feel like i was vulnerable in the wrong situation, and that person feels awkward. I just. want them. to go. away. and leave me alone. So when people do talk to me I try to focus the conversation on them because talking about myself is exhausting. Sometimes the conversation is fine in the moment, once I get into the mode of "OK, I'm socializing." But sometimes after they leave I feel worse.
I am at an all-night school event and it's 2am, and I haven't gotten anything done. People have been distracting me constantly, all night. and when people were not bothering me personally, there were people around the school screaming in classrooms, talking loudly/laughing around my workspace. I had a good chunk of space to work by myself, and at some point I came back to work and a friend had sat down right next to me (plenty of other space) to work. I can't explain why, and it is not about being picky or a baby. My brain actually begins to fail to reason/think spacially, organizationally- order of tasks in my head for simple things become completely scattered. I am hyper sensitive to people, and their emotions and their needs and when people are around I feel like that social, verbal part of my brain is active which competes with my ability to focus on organizing creation tasks in my head.
It is maddening. And unfortunately i am not equipped to work from home. working from home would be great during the day- but I come home in the evening to 3 female roommates, and one of them has the habit of telling stories back to back if she can finally get me in a conversation with her. Several times I have been in 45 minute conversations, cooked all my food and eaten it all in front of the stove/standing up after a long day, and cleaning up the whole kitchen because she does not stop talking, there is no chance for me to slip out of the conversation. I just want to cry, or yell or disappear. Leave me alone, I just want to be alone. I want to not have any stimuli. No people, no stress, no work, no deadlines, no passing time, no performance, no smalltalk, no good talks about our feelings- none if it. please, I just want silence and nothingness for a brief moment.
People have finally learned to give me space- One week about a month ago, I had to catch up on a ton of big assignments in a week that I missed due to anxiety issues. After that week, I fell in a parking lot and gouged my left hand open. I went to the doctor for pain in my right hand after drawing so much that past week. I found out I sprained my left wrist, and strained/got tendonitis in my right drawing hand/wrist from drawing too much with no breaks. That made me very demotivated, and it was difficult to draw. on Tuesday night when I fell, I called my mom and completely lost my cool- crying hysterically. I was under so much stress with school, and there was no end in sight. My mood was so low, unpredictable. I worked 15 hours a day at school and still wasn't making all my deadlines. I was dealing with professors that treated me with stigma over my anxiety DSS accommodations letter. One of those professors ended up bullying me, and about 4 other very talented female students into dropping her class (long story.). That week, i hurt both my hands and was entering into severe PMDD. I got so depressed that i dropped the ball in the class I had just worked so hard to catch up in. I told my character design teacher (my favorite class) that I wouldn't be able to finish the assignment due to depression/anxiety (which I have accommodations for) and he was very harsh toward me for being irresponsible and should have notified him in advance (wtf, responsibly notify him in advance of a depressive episode). He also disreguarded that I had a doctor's note for my hands and still took the liberty to take out his disappointment on me.
I limped my way into spring break after that week and was just fucking done with it all. but I wasn't. I stayed up until 4am the first saturday of spring break praying, worrying about the BFA Town hall meeting, where we would have the chance to talk about the issues that have such a horrible impact on the students, and make a change. i later set up a meeting with students during spring break to get together and make a concise list to present as a class to the higher-ups (last year they talked over the students and nothing was resolved.) The town hall was not til the friday of the week we got back from spring break.
Thank GOD, however, praise the Lord cos he's so good and Jesus loves Digipen students so much: the town hall went absolutely as well as it could have. We brought up all the significant issues, like i mentioned before. I didn't have to press it- other students harped on the issues of severely poor mental health among our program. it was a heavy and depressing meeting, but it was everything that needed to be said. SO we are waiting for followup now...
Anyway, I just thought I would document where I am at, currently. Things will continue to get better. I started an ADD med which so far is not so great, but it does stabilize my mood somewhat, and curbs my anxiety. makes it easier to talk to people, and not be so sensitive to my environment, thank goodness.
Also, one last note; Jason is the most wonderful, faithful, kind, sweet, gentle, thoughtful person and has been there for me through everything, and leading the Digipen bible study FOR me, rather than with me, now, which has been such a blessing. I am so blessed and lucky to have him and I love him so, so so so so much. I would not have gotten through this without him, not a chance.
It has almost been a couple weeks over a year since I had a huge anxiety attack that left me a bit mentally unhinged. I still feel that way now. It certainly isn't as bad as it was, but this year has been very difficult.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression significantly this past year. I don't even know where to start. Spring 2014 was awful... The summer was awful. Fall was OK. Spring 2015 has been OK. Last summer I finally hit a point where I was desperate for help, and my only safe person was my boyfriend, which wasn't a healthy for our relationship at some point. I found a counselor through my church who I was seeing for free which helped a lot. I found a therapist through her, and began seeing her seriously as soon as 2015 started. That helped significantly.
I was diagnosed with ADD by my therapist (who is also a woman with ADD, which was so cool), and had a very discouraging and demoralizing conversation with my doctor while trying to discuss my diagnosis and trying medication. I hit a point where I was sat my last, last leg and was afraid I was facing failing all of my classes due to my huge amount of anxiety, focus issues and mood issues. I was desperate and the diagnosis of ADD set my heart free. I have suspected I have ADD since high school, and once I discovered the huge difference between female ADD and male ADD, I was absolutely shocked. A lot of the hyperactivity that gets ADHD boys in trouble in school is manifested as anxiety in girls. The specific kinds of anxiety were things I have struggled with for years.
Jason, my boyfriend, was so sweet and found a doctor for me who took my insurance, was a Christian, was taking new patients AND specialized in ADD/Anxiety. I got to see him the very next day after the bad appt with my doctor. he talked to me for 15 minutes and said "yeah. you definitely have it." THANK YOU, music to my ears, seriously. My whole life I've told myself, I'm the way I am because I'm a stupid, incompetent, scatterbrained, underdeveloped, shitty excuse for a woman. I also recently recounted the incredible amounts of traumatic brain injuries I endured when I was younger- I always had a feeling that might have affected my brain. And now I feel so much better knowing there are physical reasons why certain things are so LITERALLY impossible for me to do, understand, learn, process.
Digipen is a dark place. We recently had a town hall meeting for the BFA (all years present), and after the heads of the department left, the students opened up to the Student Affairs people about the absolutely enormous prevalence and severity of anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts among the BFA students. I know of 2 students who in their time at this school attempted suicide. There is such a darkness preventing change from happening here, and the negativity really affects me, too. I try hard to be positive when I can, but so often I am also drawing from my last strength. (God is sooo good and faithful to sustain me, and provide for all of my needs- really, really he has done amazing things and although things are still rough, I have made so much progress.)
After my anxiety attack last year (which happened about a month or two before my last post here) I completely shut down socially. I was unrecognizable to myself for a long time. I also discovered I had a HUGE, HUGE issue with drawing boundaries for myself with emotionally abusive people who took advantage of my kindness, time and energy. I had to cut people out fast, because I felt one emotional upheaval away from things really going downhill.
The most recent example of this was having to tell a friend of mine I could not talk to them until after this semester was over, because they were often finding me in my work space while I was under great stress, working 15 hours a day, taking almost no breaks and not talking to anyone except my boyfriend and my therapists (unless someone interrupted me while working.) This person would sit down and pour all of their emotional burdens onto me, sometimes to the point of tears. Although being burnt out I still viscerally respond to someone when they are in pain. I give them all of my attention. But over time I realized I lived in terror that this person would find me while I was working, completely derailing my workflow (struggling SO freaking hard with ADD issues). These kinds of conversations would lead me to going to bed at 3am rather than midnight- which would often pit me into great vulnerability for greater anxiety, stress, depression, irritability and inability to focus. I suddenly cut this person out of my life after they messaged me, telling me to "stop being such a fake, shiney, perfect person who doesn't tell people what they are thinking." This person also said things like I was selfish for not sharing my emotional baggage with them. (which I did, but they were never really listening.) They would grow passive aggressive when I would drop them off at their house and give them signals that I needed to leave and not talk for an hour in the car. I never thought someone would attack me for "not giving enough" of myself to them- when I gave them more than I gave anyone besides my boyfriend. This was also while I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to give anyone because I was running on empty.
Anyway- I was and still am in a season where I am dealing with a Venn diagram of different issues:
ADD, Anxiety, PMDD, Boundary issues (have gotten much better), and personal baggage (has gotten better). The ADD portion has explained to me my overwhelming sensitivity to my environment. I can't work when people are talking, I absolutely can't multitask, I often sometimes can't even work with people sitting next to me. It sounds completely stupid in neurotic, but I guess I just never realized I was this way to begin with because I have never been in an environment like Digipen before. Privacy here is absolutely impossible and it drives me up the wall. Especially since so many people are dealing with anxiety/depression issues, it's toxic that people don't have a place to remove themselves from negative people holding negative conversations- which makes the mood of all eavesdroppers plummet.
This is a huge problem for me:
When people strike up casual conversation with me while I am working. I can't help it, I feel like they are being so inconsiderate of the fact that I am obviously focused/working/under stress. I honestly feel the most loved by people who I connect with emotionally but leave me alone and never approach me. Even in the cafe, I grow extremely irritable when someone sits down with me uninvited. I am so overwhelmed with stress and unpleasant thoughts -for someone to invite themselves into my 15 minutes of nothingness and peace is absolutely (prepare for crazy thought) the most unloving and triggering act they could commit toward me. What especially irritates me is "you look so lonely!" I wish they didn't say anything to me, would stop looking at me, and ignore me and leave. I don't want to perform for this person. That's all I do, when people talk to me, I muster all of my remaining energy that I need to protect the sanity and tenderness of my own wellbeing and I give it to them. I fucking hate talking about myself genuinely because they don't understand my issues, and I only come off as miserable and unwelcoming, and I make them feel uncomfortable. I hate making people uncomfortable because guess what! I am still the same person- I still seriously care about them. I wish they did not look at my face, and comment on how ragged/tired/stressed I look. Why? I wish I had a face that gave people the hint that I want to be alone!!!! These conversations do not bond me to those people- it makes it worse. It divides us and I feel like i was vulnerable in the wrong situation, and that person feels awkward. I just. want them. to go. away. and leave me alone. So when people do talk to me I try to focus the conversation on them because talking about myself is exhausting. Sometimes the conversation is fine in the moment, once I get into the mode of "OK, I'm socializing." But sometimes after they leave I feel worse.
I am at an all-night school event and it's 2am, and I haven't gotten anything done. People have been distracting me constantly, all night. and when people were not bothering me personally, there were people around the school screaming in classrooms, talking loudly/laughing around my workspace. I had a good chunk of space to work by myself, and at some point I came back to work and a friend had sat down right next to me (plenty of other space) to work. I can't explain why, and it is not about being picky or a baby. My brain actually begins to fail to reason/think spacially, organizationally- order of tasks in my head for simple things become completely scattered. I am hyper sensitive to people, and their emotions and their needs and when people are around I feel like that social, verbal part of my brain is active which competes with my ability to focus on organizing creation tasks in my head.
It is maddening. And unfortunately i am not equipped to work from home. working from home would be great during the day- but I come home in the evening to 3 female roommates, and one of them has the habit of telling stories back to back if she can finally get me in a conversation with her. Several times I have been in 45 minute conversations, cooked all my food and eaten it all in front of the stove/standing up after a long day, and cleaning up the whole kitchen because she does not stop talking, there is no chance for me to slip out of the conversation. I just want to cry, or yell or disappear. Leave me alone, I just want to be alone. I want to not have any stimuli. No people, no stress, no work, no deadlines, no passing time, no performance, no smalltalk, no good talks about our feelings- none if it. please, I just want silence and nothingness for a brief moment.
People have finally learned to give me space- One week about a month ago, I had to catch up on a ton of big assignments in a week that I missed due to anxiety issues. After that week, I fell in a parking lot and gouged my left hand open. I went to the doctor for pain in my right hand after drawing so much that past week. I found out I sprained my left wrist, and strained/got tendonitis in my right drawing hand/wrist from drawing too much with no breaks. That made me very demotivated, and it was difficult to draw. on Tuesday night when I fell, I called my mom and completely lost my cool- crying hysterically. I was under so much stress with school, and there was no end in sight. My mood was so low, unpredictable. I worked 15 hours a day at school and still wasn't making all my deadlines. I was dealing with professors that treated me with stigma over my anxiety DSS accommodations letter. One of those professors ended up bullying me, and about 4 other very talented female students into dropping her class (long story.). That week, i hurt both my hands and was entering into severe PMDD. I got so depressed that i dropped the ball in the class I had just worked so hard to catch up in. I told my character design teacher (my favorite class) that I wouldn't be able to finish the assignment due to depression/anxiety (which I have accommodations for) and he was very harsh toward me for being irresponsible and should have notified him in advance (wtf, responsibly notify him in advance of a depressive episode). He also disreguarded that I had a doctor's note for my hands and still took the liberty to take out his disappointment on me.
I limped my way into spring break after that week and was just fucking done with it all. but I wasn't. I stayed up until 4am the first saturday of spring break praying, worrying about the BFA Town hall meeting, where we would have the chance to talk about the issues that have such a horrible impact on the students, and make a change. i later set up a meeting with students during spring break to get together and make a concise list to present as a class to the higher-ups (last year they talked over the students and nothing was resolved.) The town hall was not til the friday of the week we got back from spring break.
Thank GOD, however, praise the Lord cos he's so good and Jesus loves Digipen students so much: the town hall went absolutely as well as it could have. We brought up all the significant issues, like i mentioned before. I didn't have to press it- other students harped on the issues of severely poor mental health among our program. it was a heavy and depressing meeting, but it was everything that needed to be said. SO we are waiting for followup now...
Anyway, I just thought I would document where I am at, currently. Things will continue to get better. I started an ADD med which so far is not so great, but it does stabilize my mood somewhat, and curbs my anxiety. makes it easier to talk to people, and not be so sensitive to my environment, thank goodness.
Also, one last note; Jason is the most wonderful, faithful, kind, sweet, gentle, thoughtful person and has been there for me through everything, and leading the Digipen bible study FOR me, rather than with me, now, which has been such a blessing. I am so blessed and lucky to have him and I love him so, so so so so much. I would not have gotten through this without him, not a chance.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
update 5/12/14
I think I have been developing independence to a fault. It was so exciting for a while to learn boundaries/self control to some extent for the first time in my life this past year. It was necessary, but I think I have swung too far. Self-care has turned into hiding. I have been thinking about how the holy spirit "does not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline." I have fought for power and self discipline, but my heart for loving God and loving others has been absent for a while. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 says if I do not have love then I am nothing even if I have every other kind of deep well of knowledge, wisdom, faith, selfless behavior, whatever etc. i also think that if this is where my heart is at, then the power and self discipline i have found is likely to not be from God, and will soon prove themselves to be fickle and even damaging.
i have developed a fair amount of fear/shame/pride/reluctance when it comes to asking people for help, on top of huge reluctance to "be there" for people." i have shrunk away from most of my relationships which is scary for me, because that has always been hugely out of character for me when under stress.
i am worried about myself because i have been getting increasingly depressed/isolated/detached from the people in my life. i have had very sparse, weak attempts at spending time with God. i am totally unlike the person i was 9 months ago! I hate being in need of help, or being unable to help others. but i am forcing myself right now to ask for help, and ask for prayer against these lies i'm listening to, and the burn out/confusion i have been trying to recover from.
it's weird because i am around people who do not know how i have always been- very irresponsible, unreliable, spontaneous, but at the same time, very warm, loving, quick to encourage, etc. i feel that i have traded the good about me to remedy the things i hated about me, and i am left feeling very disoriented. i would like to reset. i need prayer to figure out where to go from here and that i would be reconciled with my circumstances and learn what God's heart is for me where i am right now. i want to re-learn how to love others, and how to receive love/help even though i have built up such a huge wall between me and so many people that i love.
i also want to ask for forgiveness from the people who i have pushed away. i love you, and i am sorry!
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
yesterday my animation teacher, two other students and i all got to talking about how to get people who don't typically play games to PLAY games. and i thought about how animation isn't considered a fine art in america. animation is considered childish and art is often considered feminine. games at this point also haven't been considered a fine art outside the indie gaming community niche, though video game artists are hitting all of the intellectually and emotionally sensitive topics that american animation hasn't been able to hit as an industry (it's a market here.. not art). So, the rift between people who play games and don't play games... yeah. I was thinking about games as art. animation as art. what is art to a person who experiences it? what is art therapy? why do people get SO hooked on games, like a drug? perhaps we have never given games and animation the psychological foothold it deserves in our society. Art therapy is taken seriously, but why not games? Game therapy. What if a therapist could prescribe a game to walk a patient through a journey in grief, compassion, redemption? There is so much we haven't hit here, games should be for everyone and animation should be recognized as the powerful, limitless medium for communication that it is. art is powerful and the way we have compartmentalized it in the USA could possibly be inhibiting our development as a society.
this was all sparked by my teacher's mention of a game that digipen students made called "Solace," which was a game that took the player through the 5 stages of grief. it was so, so cool. you should look it up, it's pretty interesting. people who played it who recently had a loss said that the game was actually very powerful/calming to them. isn't that cool? the game was recognized for being innovative and excellently done, but of course no company would pay to have it distributed or anything like that. but it just goes to show that they really were on to something that non-"gamers" could benefit from. really cool.
this was all sparked by my teacher's mention of a game that digipen students made called "Solace," which was a game that took the player through the 5 stages of grief. it was so, so cool. you should look it up, it's pretty interesting. people who played it who recently had a loss said that the game was actually very powerful/calming to them. isn't that cool? the game was recognized for being innovative and excellently done, but of course no company would pay to have it distributed or anything like that. but it just goes to show that they really were on to something that non-"gamers" could benefit from. really cool.
Monday, July 29, 2013
a spontaneous update.... so, I really am going to Digipen Institute of Technology this fall. finally after two years i have a good school that will finally take me haha.
anything could happen, i want anything to happen..... i want a change and i want more of Jesus. I want to see the depths of his heart, to learn to actually LOVE God more, not only have more knowledge of him.
I am afraid of change and I am afraid of challenging things I have been hearing lately but I should be more afraid of my friends who are perishing and I should be more openly concerned than I am about what I really believe to be true... I want my best friends to be with me in heaven when we die, but I also so desperately want these friends of mine to know Jesus now, Jesus the only true lover of my soul. the love that gets me out of bed in the morning, that drives me to do anything at all.
I have a real sense of conviction that nothing, nothing at all is worth doing if it isn't for the sake of knowing God more, enjoying God more, and to love others more, and to invite others to know, love and enjoy God with me, as well. So I know God has gifted me with certain things and it so frustrates me to think about not truly knowing what he can do with me considering what he has equipped me with. I can't stand not knowing what it would be like to not live up to my potential -
but I am honestly stunted. I am a child of God but still some much in my mindset a product of my culture. I need to escape. I want to be a successful missionary in America. but how can I preach the coming of the Kingdom of God to a kingdom that is fleeting, when I haven't really fully experienced, known, understood the culture of the Kingdom i really belong toooooooo?????
i am disturbed by these things lately, as I am about to pick up and start over again- but this time I really won't know anybody! this year I was really so fortunate.
I am afraid and sometimes I mentally grasp, hoping that i will find some really strong Christian man out there to lead me and protect me, make me feel safe, help me understand, encourage me and have fun with me. but I realize that person is already in my life, completely, and his name is Jesus. I want to know him more. a few weeks ago I had an episode where I was so deeply discouraged about the future and the world before me. I felt this really deep, scary, physical "missing" of Jesus. i badly needed to be consoled, held, calmed by the lover of my soul, who knows me and loves me completely. but he is not here. i think of the way a girlfriend with a very long distance boyfriend would feel- she has the letters, the phonecalls, the memories and the assurance that he loves her, and she trusts him with her heart and her life. no one could ever replace or compare to him. ... .but she has no clue when he will be coming back. i know myself, that if i were in that position i would miss that person so much that i would struggle with temptation to look for him in other people.. within the past month I have experienced sudden feelings for not just one, but actually TWO friends of mine, after not having feelings for anyone for this whole year- knowing I didn't intend to stay here helped that. but these sudden feelings for these two friends of mine, i realized, revealed this even louder and deeper truth- that I was so enthralled by their character and convictions more than anything else about them. I didn't have much in common with them in particular but I realized I was crushing so hard because they reminded me of my true, true lover of my soul. I started to see glimpses of Jesus in them and it made my heart so affectionate for them both as friends, as brothers and as people I would so trust to follow as leaders. even in some ways, I felt afraid at the thought of being with someone like them- why does it sometimes seem like it'd be harder to 'follow' a Christian man who is crazy about Jesus, than we allow ourselves to perceive how challenging it would be to truly follow Jesus, the man himself??
That's so crazy. But I want that. And I realized that I felt emotionally exhausted just thinking of following a guy like that- because I would have to compromise and commit to an unpredictable element in my journey with God. I don't want that right now at all. I don't think that is something ever, ever to rush into, especially when I feel so convicted that God does incredible, insane, beautiful and unique things through single 20-something individuals who are sold out for him. And I want to be like that first! I think of Peter Rowan, and how extremely effective he was in his 20s as a single person. and now he's married to beautiful Melise Rowan, and they are an extremely effective couple and he is finally growing in God's timing through the sanctifying and challenging role of a husband and intimate spiritual leader to one woman. I feel like that's so much how it should be more often for 20 somethings. The independence someone has in this age range is so, so precious and to give that independence up to God's will ... that's when crazy things happen at colleges, in fellowships, in friendships....... Maybe I have just not experienced this first hand, but I have always been most affected by single leaders, or pastors and their wives who have made relationships their mission together. Perhaps couples minister to couples- that would make more sense, but I just wouldn't know about any of that because I've never been in a relationship. So... yeah. basically I, personally want to dedicate that independence to all sorts of different people, to lend my intimate encouragement to my friends and family without the distraction of building and preparing for 'the next step'. marriage, buying a house?! and kids?! marriage i can imagine a little bit. but the other two make me want to turn on my heels and run. no way jose. kind of off topic, but I do obviously think there is so much young marriage for Christians for the understandable and wise reason that , " it is better to marry than to burn with passion." so really part of me is just being stupid about something I really do not understand because I have never been in a relationship.. ANYWAY this blog post quality is seriously deteriorating as I keep writing because now I am rambling and getting increasingly TIRED and OPINIONATED at the same time which is not a good formula for a good, constructive, and thoughtful blog after so many months to prove I am becoming a sharper, more wise and lovely Christian lady
ok goodnight it is 3am.
anything could happen, i want anything to happen..... i want a change and i want more of Jesus. I want to see the depths of his heart, to learn to actually LOVE God more, not only have more knowledge of him.
I am afraid of change and I am afraid of challenging things I have been hearing lately but I should be more afraid of my friends who are perishing and I should be more openly concerned than I am about what I really believe to be true... I want my best friends to be with me in heaven when we die, but I also so desperately want these friends of mine to know Jesus now, Jesus the only true lover of my soul. the love that gets me out of bed in the morning, that drives me to do anything at all.
I have a real sense of conviction that nothing, nothing at all is worth doing if it isn't for the sake of knowing God more, enjoying God more, and to love others more, and to invite others to know, love and enjoy God with me, as well. So I know God has gifted me with certain things and it so frustrates me to think about not truly knowing what he can do with me considering what he has equipped me with. I can't stand not knowing what it would be like to not live up to my potential -
but I am honestly stunted. I am a child of God but still some much in my mindset a product of my culture. I need to escape. I want to be a successful missionary in America. but how can I preach the coming of the Kingdom of God to a kingdom that is fleeting, when I haven't really fully experienced, known, understood the culture of the Kingdom i really belong toooooooo?????
i am disturbed by these things lately, as I am about to pick up and start over again- but this time I really won't know anybody! this year I was really so fortunate.
I am afraid and sometimes I mentally grasp, hoping that i will find some really strong Christian man out there to lead me and protect me, make me feel safe, help me understand, encourage me and have fun with me. but I realize that person is already in my life, completely, and his name is Jesus. I want to know him more. a few weeks ago I had an episode where I was so deeply discouraged about the future and the world before me. I felt this really deep, scary, physical "missing" of Jesus. i badly needed to be consoled, held, calmed by the lover of my soul, who knows me and loves me completely. but he is not here. i think of the way a girlfriend with a very long distance boyfriend would feel- she has the letters, the phonecalls, the memories and the assurance that he loves her, and she trusts him with her heart and her life. no one could ever replace or compare to him. ... .but she has no clue when he will be coming back. i know myself, that if i were in that position i would miss that person so much that i would struggle with temptation to look for him in other people.. within the past month I have experienced sudden feelings for not just one, but actually TWO friends of mine, after not having feelings for anyone for this whole year- knowing I didn't intend to stay here helped that. but these sudden feelings for these two friends of mine, i realized, revealed this even louder and deeper truth- that I was so enthralled by their character and convictions more than anything else about them. I didn't have much in common with them in particular but I realized I was crushing so hard because they reminded me of my true, true lover of my soul. I started to see glimpses of Jesus in them and it made my heart so affectionate for them both as friends, as brothers and as people I would so trust to follow as leaders. even in some ways, I felt afraid at the thought of being with someone like them- why does it sometimes seem like it'd be harder to 'follow' a Christian man who is crazy about Jesus, than we allow ourselves to perceive how challenging it would be to truly follow Jesus, the man himself??
That's so crazy. But I want that. And I realized that I felt emotionally exhausted just thinking of following a guy like that- because I would have to compromise and commit to an unpredictable element in my journey with God. I don't want that right now at all. I don't think that is something ever, ever to rush into, especially when I feel so convicted that God does incredible, insane, beautiful and unique things through single 20-something individuals who are sold out for him. And I want to be like that first! I think of Peter Rowan, and how extremely effective he was in his 20s as a single person. and now he's married to beautiful Melise Rowan, and they are an extremely effective couple and he is finally growing in God's timing through the sanctifying and challenging role of a husband and intimate spiritual leader to one woman. I feel like that's so much how it should be more often for 20 somethings. The independence someone has in this age range is so, so precious and to give that independence up to God's will ... that's when crazy things happen at colleges, in fellowships, in friendships....... Maybe I have just not experienced this first hand, but I have always been most affected by single leaders, or pastors and their wives who have made relationships their mission together. Perhaps couples minister to couples- that would make more sense, but I just wouldn't know about any of that because I've never been in a relationship. So... yeah. basically I, personally want to dedicate that independence to all sorts of different people, to lend my intimate encouragement to my friends and family without the distraction of building and preparing for 'the next step'. marriage, buying a house?! and kids?! marriage i can imagine a little bit. but the other two make me want to turn on my heels and run. no way jose. kind of off topic, but I do obviously think there is so much young marriage for Christians for the understandable and wise reason that , " it is better to marry than to burn with passion." so really part of me is just being stupid about something I really do not understand because I have never been in a relationship.. ANYWAY this blog post quality is seriously deteriorating as I keep writing because now I am rambling and getting increasingly TIRED and OPINIONATED at the same time which is not a good formula for a good, constructive, and thoughtful blog after so many months to prove I am becoming a sharper, more wise and lovely Christian lady
ok goodnight it is 3am.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
GUYS..... after 2 years i finally got accepted to my second choice art school. a few of you know how stupidly grueling this has been for me, but i think all of you can appreciate this. so many cool and encouraging things have happened this week after such a desert. first, not so cool- i got extremely discouraging words back from the school i was rejected from twice, and that exposed that i have been a lot more discouraged, and believing so many more lies than i realized :/ i called the calarts portfolio room to ask when they were sending my sketchbook back, and i had like a 7 minute conversation with the girl who works there. she was so sweet and excited about being able to see so much student work. i remember i talked to her back in november, and maybe even last year when i applied, too.
anyway, i got my sketchbook back in the mail on friday and i had just gotten back from work, feelin crappy. i sat in bed and wondered if i should even open the package and risk sinking into even more discouragement by seeing art i haven't seen in 6 months and become so ashamed of all my hard work failing. anyway, i opened it and did feel both sad and indignant at the same time looking through it feeling like numb and hopeless.
however, when i got to the back cover i saw i had written this journal piece that was one of my facebook statuses last semester:
"God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor's degree and finding a spouse. Desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but I'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him I have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. Even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating and identity shaking lesson to learn, I am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because I can't live up to my own expecations- and I know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with."
the random portfolio girl who I will probably never ever meet and talked to on the phone had snooped through my sketchbook and read it, and left me a 3 sticky note long letter in the back. it reads:
"Dear Lauren,
I came upon this journalling of ours as I prepared your sketchbook for return. It is beautiful wisdom and I thank you for the encouragement it is for me in this moment and day. Because I could SIMILARLY say, "God's purposes for a 30-something's life go way beyond getting a Master's degree and finding a spouse...." He is so good to each of his children, and I pray this note in turn will be a blessing to you. Even thru the darkest times, I have seen how He perfectly times and directs our steps. He will provide exceedingly for each of us, and be sure to lead us EXACTLY where H'es designed us to be. PRAYING joy and peace for you. By His grace and for His glory.
Dawn Givens (CalArts Portfolio Room)"
I just started crying because ... this is seriously the COOLest thing. I don't know if you can even understand how this is heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss. this letter is such an affectionate gesture of love. LA and CalArts are such extremely dark places and what an amazing thing it is for us to have made a connection on the back cover of my sketchbook, two women who may never meet, but who both look to Jesus as the light and lover we can trust in a world of such suffocating, seductive and convincing darkness. she has no idea how powerful her voice of encouragement is when i had been so wounded by just a stupid superprestigious school's evaluation of the gems of my heart. of course they are not the final word, but it is difficult trying to convince myself of that, when i had geared ALL of my efforts toward applying there and becoming 'good enough' for them and blah blah blah.
anyway, very good.
and then I had an amazing talk with my superfriend Hannah and she gave me such TRUE and affirming, also eye opening words i needed to hear- then I got a letter from my friend nikki also full of TRUE and affirming words i neeeeeded to hear. then tonight I got my acceptance email from Digipen Institute of Technology, which was my second choice school. it's in Seattle, WA and is most well known for its videogame development. cool and different, and i'm not sure if it's for sure yet but I'll have a better idea once I visit. i'm excited and relieved for a door to finally be open after all this time.
Tim Keller's church, Redeemer, has planted two churches in seattle that i am excited about. Digipen also highly doubt after searching around, has any sort of Christian community, so i think it would be cool to commute to some other university's RUF or something. because my RUF in richmond was a cool mix of college aged kids who didn't go to vcu, weren't in college at all, or had already graduated. so i am just excited to see what that will look like.
most of all I am just REALLY stoked for the opportunity to maybe be able to be the light for Jesus in a progressive, bitter and liberal city like Seattle, I think I really have a desire to see Jesus melt American hearts. because it seems SO impossible. with God, all things are possible. of course i am not cut out for that kind of scary ministry in darkness now but it's cool to think that God WOULD cut me out for it. I want LGBT people to fall deeply in love with the person of Christ that it turns lives upside down and heals deep scars. I want videogame obsessed 20 somethings to see the mind blowing beauty and purpose God offers in a relationship with him. I want to see prideful, wounded, insecure artists/musicians to find peace in God's truth. i want to see what happens when you let the gospel out like a lion to fend for itself - i don't want to be some sort of hero for anyone because i know i can't do that for people. but i do want to witness Jesus save people, and I want people to be saved from their sorrow and sin. I'm sick of it, and i want to face it and I want to see redemption. that could be anywhere but i'm glad that at least this door to digipen is finally open.
I haven't written here in forever but i honestly think it just wasn't a season for me to be writing much this past year. that's ok. but anyway i wanted to put this here before i lose the moment. dat's all.
(edit: I had realized when i posted this my most RECENT post on here, was the same quote in my sketchbook, and was right before I sent my sketchbook to calarts. cooool)
anyway, i got my sketchbook back in the mail on friday and i had just gotten back from work, feelin crappy. i sat in bed and wondered if i should even open the package and risk sinking into even more discouragement by seeing art i haven't seen in 6 months and become so ashamed of all my hard work failing. anyway, i opened it and did feel both sad and indignant at the same time looking through it feeling like numb and hopeless.
however, when i got to the back cover i saw i had written this journal piece that was one of my facebook statuses last semester:
"God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor's degree and finding a spouse. Desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but I'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him I have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. Even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating and identity shaking lesson to learn, I am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because I can't live up to my own expecations- and I know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with."
the random portfolio girl who I will probably never ever meet and talked to on the phone had snooped through my sketchbook and read it, and left me a 3 sticky note long letter in the back. it reads:
"Dear Lauren,
I came upon this journalling of ours as I prepared your sketchbook for return. It is beautiful wisdom and I thank you for the encouragement it is for me in this moment and day. Because I could SIMILARLY say, "God's purposes for a 30-something's life go way beyond getting a Master's degree and finding a spouse...." He is so good to each of his children, and I pray this note in turn will be a blessing to you. Even thru the darkest times, I have seen how He perfectly times and directs our steps. He will provide exceedingly for each of us, and be sure to lead us EXACTLY where H'es designed us to be. PRAYING joy and peace for you. By His grace and for His glory.
Dawn Givens (CalArts Portfolio Room)"
I just started crying because ... this is seriously the COOLest thing. I don't know if you can even understand how this is heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss. this letter is such an affectionate gesture of love. LA and CalArts are such extremely dark places and what an amazing thing it is for us to have made a connection on the back cover of my sketchbook, two women who may never meet, but who both look to Jesus as the light and lover we can trust in a world of such suffocating, seductive and convincing darkness. she has no idea how powerful her voice of encouragement is when i had been so wounded by just a stupid superprestigious school's evaluation of the gems of my heart. of course they are not the final word, but it is difficult trying to convince myself of that, when i had geared ALL of my efforts toward applying there and becoming 'good enough' for them and blah blah blah.
anyway, very good.
and then I had an amazing talk with my superfriend Hannah and she gave me such TRUE and affirming, also eye opening words i needed to hear- then I got a letter from my friend nikki also full of TRUE and affirming words i neeeeeded to hear. then tonight I got my acceptance email from Digipen Institute of Technology, which was my second choice school. it's in Seattle, WA and is most well known for its videogame development. cool and different, and i'm not sure if it's for sure yet but I'll have a better idea once I visit. i'm excited and relieved for a door to finally be open after all this time.
Tim Keller's church, Redeemer, has planted two churches in seattle that i am excited about. Digipen also highly doubt after searching around, has any sort of Christian community, so i think it would be cool to commute to some other university's RUF or something. because my RUF in richmond was a cool mix of college aged kids who didn't go to vcu, weren't in college at all, or had already graduated. so i am just excited to see what that will look like.
most of all I am just REALLY stoked for the opportunity to maybe be able to be the light for Jesus in a progressive, bitter and liberal city like Seattle, I think I really have a desire to see Jesus melt American hearts. because it seems SO impossible. with God, all things are possible. of course i am not cut out for that kind of scary ministry in darkness now but it's cool to think that God WOULD cut me out for it. I want LGBT people to fall deeply in love with the person of Christ that it turns lives upside down and heals deep scars. I want videogame obsessed 20 somethings to see the mind blowing beauty and purpose God offers in a relationship with him. I want to see prideful, wounded, insecure artists/musicians to find peace in God's truth. i want to see what happens when you let the gospel out like a lion to fend for itself - i don't want to be some sort of hero for anyone because i know i can't do that for people. but i do want to witness Jesus save people, and I want people to be saved from their sorrow and sin. I'm sick of it, and i want to face it and I want to see redemption. that could be anywhere but i'm glad that at least this door to digipen is finally open.
I haven't written here in forever but i honestly think it just wasn't a season for me to be writing much this past year. that's ok. but anyway i wanted to put this here before i lose the moment. dat's all.
(edit: I had realized when i posted this my most RECENT post on here, was the same quote in my sketchbook, and was right before I sent my sketchbook to calarts. cooool)
Thursday, November 22, 2012
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