oh my god

please, please listen to all of these. just close your eyes for a while, this is what music was meant to be. i could die








this guy subscribed to me on youtube i have no idea why he is the #12 most subscribed to person in australia or something and has almost 50,000 subscribers haha but i think he subs to a lot of people who are mediocre but passionate players, which is really nice i think. instrumental music, instrumental guitar is so so beautiful, it is so powerful and there are no words. it is so unlike anything else and i love it. i haven't listened to new music in soo long and i don't even really have a music taste anymore. i do still really like punkish stuff and indie stuff and whatever but really i just don't listen to anything at all. but it's weird because i have just been so drawn to lute music, instrumental guitar, saloon music, big band/swing, piano, etc, blah, balbhablah, whatever. i like this change a lot. lyrics have become so trite.

i hear hannah singing in the shower and it makes me happy yay

alflskdflafj

i am so easily fixed, but still so easily broken.
god, i just want to stay where you are. i just need encouragement, i need you, i need your love and your peace and your wisdom. i don't know what i am supposed to want, what direction to head towards.
and i don't know if i should override into this comm arts drawing classs auahaghghgh like 6 hours of drawing homework poo poo. should i try to believe that i'm going to use all of my free time wisely or should i make myself as busy as possible? i don't know if i will like completely fall apart either way auaghasdhfa;sdfasdlfadsfasldfl;ahsglaksdhlfasdfasldhfags. i don't know.

i want my mommy, i want my daddy, i want my brothers, i want my pillow and my bed and my comfort and my happiness and my ignorance and i hate it. why is it so easy to be so stupid?

i just want to come home to someone who is happy to see me :/

babby in collage

desc:
orpbghhb. i have had those same strings for over a year now, i must change them. but i just got my classical guitar back and i wrote dis sawng ahbabhababa. my neighbor was walking up to the attic/his apartment in the middle of it, and i have never seen them before so i got mildly terrified hurrr.
once again i wish i knew how to record the harmony to this because it makes it :'( sad day. i will have final cut soon ho ho oh oh.
also the chords are the same as where is my mind by the pixies (also i am wearing a pixies shirt), which goes along witht he second line of the song. i'm a poop.

i call; you answer

i'm putting too much energy into trying to put a name to the way i've been feeling lately. unproductive, kind of sad, kind of confused, kind of discouraged. lots of poop that i've been stressing about but doing nothing in particular to fix. also, classes start on thursday-it is tuesday night.

i have 6 people wanting me to cut their hair, which is awesome. one is coming for their second hair cut, another is coming for their third. I'M GETTIN THE HANG OF HTHIS YEAH

i need a hug, i want to be vulnerable, i want my mommy.

deeer park

everything is stupid. i want guidance and peace and rest and and and i wish i knew what it was like to be you/ whether it is lonely or fantastic blahablalbhablhablhabhlabalhba

RIP

RIP grandpa stutzriem. :( so sadlasdfkasd
today was rough- too tired to get into it but long story short i love, love love my dad.


dan might have cancer he has to go to the doctorsss arasglhsdfa.
and indigo's dad is dyingggg .
everything is so sad and terrible. i'm so blessed to have a savior and a comforter and guidance in the holy spirit.


i am reading the story of joseph in genesis. der. i drew this. hurrr

two lefts don't make a wrong

going to bed at 11pm in august
hahahabhabhhHABHABHAHAHAHBAHBA UNHEARD OF
jk it is only almost 9pm in colorado and i am about to dieee.

i'm in a hotel room. in a hotel it is okay to feel like you are not at home. i don't feel ready to sleep in our house :/
leaving my house in colorado is still a fresh wound and i don't want to have to plant myself into a whole new house less than 20 hours later. ughahbahbhg.

i love and miss ciera and meleia and crissa and cassandra. they were all my summer loverz. i am seriously so, so blessed. i don't know what to do with all this love. i am so full of love right now at the end of this amazing summer, but have also caught the scent of fear, nervousness, discouragement. but i swear i know with all my hear that if i trust in Him to make it all work for his greater purpose, he will take all this uncertainty from me and turn it into something that glorifies him. i just need to take advantage of the opportunities that he gives to me. fo reealz. is it possible to be so nervous, but so confident at the same time? idkidkdidk. i just know SOMETHING amazing will come of this year just because i have been so blessed to have my heart molded in a way that i feel determined to place my whole heart in God's hands, so that he will do anything he wants with it.

it is tough facing tomorrow because of the little things. but i should count the little things lost as blessings i may enjoy while i can, but when they are gone, i do not cling to them. it's just sad because some of those little things include stuff like making my mom laugh and watching my little brother grow up into a teenager. sad. eghgh.

oh and did i mention i have this stupid festering love for stupid stupid sptuid psutpsid psutpsdtuapbababab. I JUST WANT BACK IN YO HEAD.

a glass can only spill what it contains

all done packing. i am too sad to sleeep. because when i wake up i will have to say bye to my home :( my bed, my sheets, the color of my room, the neat closet i haven't touched since i moved into this house.
i will get ovar it soon i'm sure. pray for my family plz

Anne Rice "I Quit Being a Christian"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/29/anne-rice-i-quit-being-a_n_663915.html?ref=fb&src=sp

I’m not sure how i feel about this. i know that what she means is to renounce the history of hypocritical christians and “organized” christianity because it has become so corrupt and terrible at times, and i guess that’s noble but what it sounds like is she is trying to just follow christ on her own- but that means she is also denying the call to be apart of the body of christ- she is making herself and ember away from the flame, ya know. and i feel like it is all a way to refuse the hypocrisy and corruptness of “religion” but i feel like it is extremely important to identify as a “christian” but to also identify as a “sinner.” she doesn’t have to deny the church- she can just simply admit that we are all at fault, we are all sinful before God, and we are only purified and transformed through jesus christ.

instead of running away from being named as a “christian” i think she should just try to live her life in light of what Christ has done, and prove to other people that only when he works in us, our sinful nature becomes transparent.

I almost feel as though if you feel like an “outsider” in the christian community, you should check your heart and ask God to show you why- are you not conforming to the body of christ, or do you feel as though your christian community is making you feel like an outsider because you do not conform to their own standards? if that is the case, which it has been for me and for many, many christians who have felt turned off to “religion” because of the behavior of its followers, you should count it as a blessing. but i don’t think you should run away from the church - i think you should pray and pray that you would become a light in that community, that people would see your witness of jesus’ love in your life, that you ARE an outsider, that you ARE different, and that you are passionate for what sets you apart from the world, ya know.

i also understand her stance on refusing to be “anti-life, anti-feminist, anti-humanity” etc etc, and i agree that as christians we are called to strive after the likeness of Christ- we are NOT called to mimic God the Father- we are not called to the duty of judgement. however, we are obligated to search our own hearts and to trust in god that he is righteous and even when we do not understand his ways and his thoughts that are so unlike our own. i think that lots of christians become misguided by certain commandments in the bible- things such as women submitting to their husbands, and homosexuality being a sin. but we shouldn’t blindly extend a self righteous arm of judgement to those who struggle with these things, but we also shouldn’t belittle or be ashamed of God’s righteousness and his commandments- i believe with all my heart that God’s commandments are out of LOVE, and thankfully in his faithfulness he has brought me to places where i can see the love in some of his confusing standards. specifically those two things, submission in marriage and homosexuality as a sin. i won’t get into that in this note, but if we ask god to provide to us wisdom and zealousness to pursue knowledge, and we act upon it, he will answer us in our struggles. but we must have faith that he is good, he is righteous, and that we want to understand his righteousness, when our human understanding prevails in our mind.

we shouldn’t hate those who do not know jesus, or people who do know jesus and continue in a lifestyle of sin. but we can recognize God’s righteousness over our own, and pray that in ourselves and others that it would be revealed. but not only that- but that because of Jesus we are forgiven, and not only that, but we are LOVED.

yeah ok yes. those are my two centz

The Only Exception

so i have always really disliked paramore. and i still don’t like their music, but i recently heard the song, “the only exception” and it is definitely different from their usual music. that song really really got me- the bit in the beginning about her mom and dad (regardless whether it from truth or not- it probably is, i won’t doubt her) i really understood in regards to being solidly content with being alone, until one person comes along and breaks this philosophy you have always depended on- proves to you that sometimes there are exceptions- exceptions you are willing to make despite your pride and your fear. i think that if this song really was from her heart then i really commend her for it.

especially as a christian, but mostly because of my own jadedness and alternate interests, i struggle a lot with appreciating romance, taking it seriously, enjoying it (i mean this mostly in the context of music) because i just feel like so much of it is fleeting and circular in its thrills and let-downs. i’m not trying to be like OH I’VE NEVER LOVED… I’LL NEVAR LOVE…

what the rest of the summer brought me to believe:

the long lasting love i’ve longed for truly does rest in jesus christ and i seriously could never even think to ask, or EXPECT anything-anyone else. the older i get (i feel exasperated as i say this) the more i believe that if anyone else did come in to the picture i would just feel so overwhelmingly blessed- so overloaded with something i know i never deserved. romance isn’t something for me right now, but in the future if God placed it on my heart to be in love i would hope that my relationship with this person would be nothing but for his glory. i can’t think of anything else that would just make my heart burst, explode with joy and a desire to just throw it all back at God, knowing i am undeserving. he continues to overflow my cup, and i try to give it back to him knowing i am so unworthy. so it’s just a never ending amazing beautiful food fight between me and God but with wine. with blessing. the blood of jesus that is poured out for me in selfless love.

i seriously feel overwhelmed with saying all this. i know that thankfully in God’s faithfulness, he has blessed me by molding me into a person who desires to learn to desires him over other people - i prayed for this in the beginning of the summer, because someone who seems like one of those “exceptions” really inspired me to do the opposite of chase and hope and cry over having no one tangible in my arms, and truly just embrace the only beautiful, unfailing, unconditional love that God has chased after me with, and let me in to through Jesus Christ. i am so unfaithful, so dirty, so unworthy of any love at all. but jesus forgives me and forgives me and forgives me and treats me like none of it ever happened. he loves me despite it all, he choses to give me a clean slate. it is only because of his love for me that i am able to love ANYONE in this world, and God, i thank him so much for it. because love is real, and God didn’t mean for us to be alone, even though when i stray from him i feel as though becoming hardhearted in my lonesomeness is the only way to be strong, to stand up in a world where i am pulled to so many destructive, dishonest, but very seductive suitors- the sin that i hide in and trust in more than jesus when i am so unbelieving that his grace is enough. because he is so unlike me in his spirit…. it is hard to submit wholeheartedly. but he really does just love me so much, he keeps no record of my wrongs and embraces me even after i’ve indulged in so much. i want him to make my spirit more like his- and he has. this summer i really do trust that he has transformed me in ways that i still can’t see and i am so, so, so unbelievably thankful. this love that i feel is beyond anything of this world and i wouldn’t trade it for anything.because of his love i can love, and i do.

some of you know (my invisible audience), that i have struggled this summer with the concept of a father figure, and it has killed a lot inside me. but God….God really has taken everything that has been ripped away from me by this world, by the sinful nature of men and women, by the sinful nature of myself and my seductive, hateful fear- and he has replaced it with this neverending, eternal, beautiful, magnificent love that is absolutely unlike anything that this world offers. i no longer have to search and weep and hurt, because he has taken me and shown me that he is real, that he is the way, the truth and the life that i have been aimlessly walking in circles in this world to find in places and people that are really just all the same, all exactly like me. incomplete and broken.
he has healed me, and he continues to strengthen me.

i am overwhelmed by the blessing of so, so many beautiful people who are “exceptions.” i don’t want to be wary of who i let into my life anymore- i don’t want people to just be exceptions. i want to love like he loves me, unconditionally, passionately, forever.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. ¹⁷In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. ¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

¹⁹We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:16-19

mirror

i'm officially over all this, and thank God.

but here's a stupid angsty song about it all anyways