The Only Exception

so i have always really disliked paramore. and i still don’t like their music, but i recently heard the song, “the only exception” and it is definitely different from their usual music. that song really really got me- the bit in the beginning about her mom and dad (regardless whether it from truth or not- it probably is, i won’t doubt her) i really understood in regards to being solidly content with being alone, until one person comes along and breaks this philosophy you have always depended on- proves to you that sometimes there are exceptions- exceptions you are willing to make despite your pride and your fear. i think that if this song really was from her heart then i really commend her for it.

especially as a christian, but mostly because of my own jadedness and alternate interests, i struggle a lot with appreciating romance, taking it seriously, enjoying it (i mean this mostly in the context of music) because i just feel like so much of it is fleeting and circular in its thrills and let-downs. i’m not trying to be like OH I’VE NEVER LOVED… I’LL NEVAR LOVE…

what the rest of the summer brought me to believe:

the long lasting love i’ve longed for truly does rest in jesus christ and i seriously could never even think to ask, or EXPECT anything-anyone else. the older i get (i feel exasperated as i say this) the more i believe that if anyone else did come in to the picture i would just feel so overwhelmingly blessed- so overloaded with something i know i never deserved. romance isn’t something for me right now, but in the future if God placed it on my heart to be in love i would hope that my relationship with this person would be nothing but for his glory. i can’t think of anything else that would just make my heart burst, explode with joy and a desire to just throw it all back at God, knowing i am undeserving. he continues to overflow my cup, and i try to give it back to him knowing i am so unworthy. so it’s just a never ending amazing beautiful food fight between me and God but with wine. with blessing. the blood of jesus that is poured out for me in selfless love.

i seriously feel overwhelmed with saying all this. i know that thankfully in God’s faithfulness, he has blessed me by molding me into a person who desires to learn to desires him over other people - i prayed for this in the beginning of the summer, because someone who seems like one of those “exceptions” really inspired me to do the opposite of chase and hope and cry over having no one tangible in my arms, and truly just embrace the only beautiful, unfailing, unconditional love that God has chased after me with, and let me in to through Jesus Christ. i am so unfaithful, so dirty, so unworthy of any love at all. but jesus forgives me and forgives me and forgives me and treats me like none of it ever happened. he loves me despite it all, he choses to give me a clean slate. it is only because of his love for me that i am able to love ANYONE in this world, and God, i thank him so much for it. because love is real, and God didn’t mean for us to be alone, even though when i stray from him i feel as though becoming hardhearted in my lonesomeness is the only way to be strong, to stand up in a world where i am pulled to so many destructive, dishonest, but very seductive suitors- the sin that i hide in and trust in more than jesus when i am so unbelieving that his grace is enough. because he is so unlike me in his spirit…. it is hard to submit wholeheartedly. but he really does just love me so much, he keeps no record of my wrongs and embraces me even after i’ve indulged in so much. i want him to make my spirit more like his- and he has. this summer i really do trust that he has transformed me in ways that i still can’t see and i am so, so, so unbelievably thankful. this love that i feel is beyond anything of this world and i wouldn’t trade it for anything.because of his love i can love, and i do.

some of you know (my invisible audience), that i have struggled this summer with the concept of a father figure, and it has killed a lot inside me. but God….God really has taken everything that has been ripped away from me by this world, by the sinful nature of men and women, by the sinful nature of myself and my seductive, hateful fear- and he has replaced it with this neverending, eternal, beautiful, magnificent love that is absolutely unlike anything that this world offers. i no longer have to search and weep and hurt, because he has taken me and shown me that he is real, that he is the way, the truth and the life that i have been aimlessly walking in circles in this world to find in places and people that are really just all the same, all exactly like me. incomplete and broken.
he has healed me, and he continues to strengthen me.

i am overwhelmed by the blessing of so, so many beautiful people who are “exceptions.” i don’t want to be wary of who i let into my life anymore- i don’t want people to just be exceptions. i want to love like he loves me, unconditionally, passionately, forever.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. ¹⁷In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. ¹⁸There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

¹⁹We love because he first loved us.

1 John 4:16-19