is wonderful.
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
answered prayer, lots of them
SO overwhelming this past week- last week, and this week have been incredibly pivotal for my life. so many opportunities, so, SO many answers to prayer. i have the list in my journal in my purse, but seriously at least a total of 13 prayers answered this past week- and some things, prayer requests i have long abandoned and forgotten about, had presented to God years ago.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
uahg
it's getting late and i still have to prepare a whole campaigners lesson... i am so pathetic sometimes.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
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