God has been faithful to take away the idols in my heart that i’ve been clinging to for inspiration.
also in the past couple weeks it has become crystal clear why i am in colorado and not in California.
i am finally okay with admitting i’m not ready, i have been seeking affirmation in all the wrong places, and that is why art has never been freeing for me, as an adult. i am not being affirmed by what the spirit of Jesus is doing in my heart- and i have been caughtup in whether I will be made adequate in the eyes of other people- i have discovered with my art that has been my biggest priority.
i have tried to cleave as much as i can to philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
even though the world has been kind of rotting around me. family life is so extremely heartbreaking lately and i feel helpless to fix anything, because i absolutely know i cannot fix a single thing. all i can is try my best to love. and lately i want to spit in anyone’s face who wants to give me advice on dealing with my family because they don’t understand, and it’s between me, God and my family now and i am becoming increasingly ashamed of asking for outside help because i think i have begun to violate my family’s privacy. it was one thing when i was 3,000 miles away in a different state, but now i live in the same city as them.
i want to shake off all of my self pity and live life as the free person i truly am, live as though i am not condemned, which i am not. i want to continue to leave all my sin and shortcomings behind, because I love God and i want to live a life of obedience to express my love for him. I am tired of the rotting world, of sex, of cynicism, of compromise, of daydreams, of fantasy, i just so desire for the true restoration of the world right in front of me. i sigh/swoon over the glory to come, and who God is going to have made me/my friends/my family even a year from now. I have no expectations any longer, which at first was the most painful bandaid to rip off, but now I have complete peace being clay in the potter’s hand. And I want to shake off any excess self pity and emotional baggage that doesn’t serve me well any longer. I have peace with not going to CalArts if that’s what it comes down to, even though it might sting. I have peace with not being the best, and I also am coming to peace with being starkly different from the artists around me who i compare myself to constantly. This weekend it felt as though I had snapped out of a spell. Suddenly I realized:
Yes. I am good at art, I am great at life drawing, my ideas are worth talking about and i have a gift with communication.
Yes, a lot of what I feel deep down and need to get out and express are extremely different and unlike what is popular.
Yes, it’s okay to detest modern art, and I don’t have to become like them.
It’s okay to not have a thousand followers on my art tumblr, and people going gaga over my artwork.
I have a truly teachable heart that needs tobe even less defensive about my ego, but even more approving of my own artwork regardless of whoever else, or if no one else believes in it or likes it.
My desire to be completely affirmed by people around me, or by a school, people i don’t even know and don’t even know me, is a recipe for total emptiness of heart that absolutely needs to be replaced by a powerful overflow of joy and confidence that comes from being totally and completely affirmed by who Jesus has created me to be, and what he is doing in the world. If this doesn’t take place, I will never truly love art making, writing, anything, i will never truly love or respect myself because people’s love is fleeting and conditional. although I should always strive to make my craft absolutely excellent, I should do it for the glory of the one who made me, not for bringing glory to myself for what I have made or learned.
I can’t imagine if I were alone in California having the same struggle I have been having lately, and watching my family trudge through what is going on from a distance. I would have been completely crushed, broken and alone by now. But wow, seriously I am so blessed to have had all of my plans completely backfire in my face- and who cares if I have maybe embarrassed myself in front of peers of mine who might have thought, “I kind of knew it was a pipe dream,” or “i kind of had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen.” I used to care a lot. It was a huge feeling of rejection and failure, wondering if I had come this far because of my own pride or because of God’s providence.
I know that absolutely it was God’s providence. of course my pride drove me as well, but that’s going to probably even be a life long process, but right now he is digging it out of the depths of my heart and showing me how truly harmful it is for me to take approval from men, instead of living out of the approval i already have. it’s insane just because i always thought i knew that lesson. but there are layers of defensiveness in a person’s ego, to defend ourselves against being confronted with our nature of being estranged children of God, alone and enslaved to sin. the key word being: alone. unworthy of love. unable to receive love unless maybe, build something out of our own heads that might hold a feeble candle to the richness we have lost to prove we are worth something- anything. I am blessed to have seen straight through myself into knowing it doesn’t matter how good I am at art- my heart is dissatisfied with myself and no amount of human praise will ever be “enough” to ease that heavy feeling of inadequacy.
so praise God for revealing to me that I am affirmed in his love and work in my life. I feel that things are already starting to change and I am making art as an overflow of that - things have been more relaxed. I need to be driven still, so if you pray will you please pray for me to fervently pursue artmaking, joyfully, this last month and a half until my portfolio for CalArts is due. I am also applying to other schools. God knows where he wants me, but i want to put my best foot forward for his glory, and to get into the practice of loving God, and loving art because I am free in his love. it is a very, very foreign concept to me- confidence in the Lord, pertaining to my actions. i am absolutely not there yet at all when it comes to art but things are finally moving.
thank you for praying for me if you have prayed. love you friends
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