today

posted today , november 10th

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out of the things i have either have a great aptitude for or just purely love, 

drawing, writing, exploring, speaking, singing, guitar playing, acting, FILM…

i chose animation as the thing to study. and sometimes i am confused by this path i’ve stumbled upon- and i often have a really heavy longing in my heart to just follow film or just follow…i don’t know. anything else. drawing doesn’t come as easily for me as the other things, but i am good at it and really love seeing how i have grown the past few years and i have learned a lot about myself, how to persevere, how to trust God, and how to be disciplined. it is still a process and i’m thankful for my weird journey this far that has side tracked me several times to learn more and more about myself. whenever things in my life come to a hault- i am initially very discouraged and full of self doubt. but i’ve seen that these situations often turn out to be events that lead to me knowing more about myself, and having more peace and confidence with who i am/what i can do/where i might be in the future.

i chose animation because it is, as i can see this far, the best possible way for me to incorporate all aspects of my creative outlets in one. it has been frustrating because i have so much to learn and i can only teach myself so much on my own. i've gone from being a big/odd fish in a small/differently odd  pond, to being a fish without any pond at all. I desire to learn from peers and mentors. but God hasn’t given that to me yet, and i don’t know if he will. I can’t even see if God wants me to stick with this- I try really hard to learn on my own and try to discipline myself artistically- a lot has come out of this semester, and it’s not over yet. my CalArts deadline is January 4th (i think) and other schools are Dec 1, and later in the spring. I have no idea what is going to happen and I can’t even tell if I am close to being prepared. It is difficult not having likeminded artists and instructors around me to help me out- that’s why i left my old school in the first place!

so. will you please pray for me, to have an overflow of the heart and mind in my art making this 1.5 months, so I can confidently put my best foot forward, and rest in whatever result- rejection or acceptance from any school, that I did everything I possibly could by completely putting my trust in God by being obedient with my time and actions and concepts… i need help and i need a movement in my spirit. i feel trapped a lot of the time. thanks so much for your support and love the past year. will you please ask God to break me and build me up to the best I can be for my portfolio submission. will you please pray for peace and no more doubt/confusion/reluctance.

thankya friends