what is art/what is lyfe/what is wat

today in a critique, we all stared long and deep at a photo of a girl's cat on her bed for about 7 minutes, then the same story for a nearly completely white photo with a hint of a red square in the middle.there comes a certain point where i don't care what art is anymore. i suppose there is artistic success when an emotion is invoked in the viewer- even if the emotion is annoyance/rage/impatience/exasperation with how pointless the artist's aim to be pointless was. sometimes i wonder if this is the best place for me, hahhhhhh ah.

a girl said a photo of a soda can behind a fence in a pile of rocks made her feel "sad."
sad. i feel embarassed that i can sympathize with a soda can, but ease so comfortably into shelter from being exposed to photojournalism from around the world that encompasses living sadness a whole. why does it matter whether something should be considered art if it really just boils down to just useless, meaningless poo poo? art can be used to change the world. it can easily become so self glorifying and pretentious. what is this i don't even

i want to be taught to be real, do real things. i want to do art- but i don't want to just do art for the sake of it.
i just don't know what to do, but i just know i hate spending HOURS looking into experimental/innovative artwork trying desperately to take something meaningful away from it when the entire world around us is full of answers. i just feel so ignorant and useless and ashamed. like i am wasting precious time. i just want to get all this out of the way, finally delve into the technical stuff, and really pray for some sort of direction- i know i want to do either animation or film. i just don't know which or how or under what circumstances and blahbkasbas;dbab. i just want to really glorify god with what he blesses me with. i don't want to stew in my own wisdom and experiences. i want to create things that keep on creating, if that makes sense. i want my art pathway to reach out to others, teach others. i want to love others like Christ loves me, but with my artwork. SOMEHOW idk. i just feel so antsy and irritated at these critiques and discussions about art. i feel we waste so much time and say next to nothing important. whoever disagrees is entitled to their opinion and probably sees this whole ordeal as something completely different. i wish i could see what you saw, but i don't and i don't feel directed (even though this is only the 3rd week of school ughghgh) towards anything i can see past.

i'm just going to keep praying about it. looking at so many other things, i know for sure God wants me here at VCU- for now, at least. especially with Young Life starting, and the fact that i'm going to the number one public art school in the nation for free on the post 9/11 GI bill (as soon as they get their act together).
but my teachers tell me they don't even teach sequential, traditional hand-drawn animation in particular here and that's exactly what i want to do at this juncture.
i just don't know.
i am going to keep doing my best where i am right now, and really just trust that God will lead me to where he wants me to be. i know he will give me strength, peace and patience, and gentleness with my ways when i would normally tear my hair out/scream/cry/give up. he has really made himself evident this so far in my college career- i can't believe how the poop i got through AFO. i am so blessed, and i shouldn't freak out. i know he has everything under control- even if everything i know in my life falls through, i KNOW that even then i will be blessed beyond my understanding because when all else is stripped away, he remains.
he is my purpose, he is my path- i just want to follow him.

ohfbfbfbfbbd

interesting day, long, long day. have done nothing for school but i got closer/reconnected with some aletheia friends and hung out with this awesome freshman interested in doing Young Life named Camille. i am sickeningly tired after making a huge dinner and watching princess mononoke at the guys' house. i felt bad cos i was so tired - i probalby shouldn't even have gone urgh.

must animate tomorrowww. even though i want to have lunch with KT and go to the YL bbq- but i think i'm a bit pooped out from that.

sounds stupid and in my heart i know this isn't for self centered reasons but i really wish i was close with someone in YL who was as spiritually mature as the people at Aletheia. the people at aletheia are so ready to serve, and really ask god to mold them and strip their worldly selves away completely so that christ the forefront of their words, actions, thoughts. i want to be that way. idk ikdidkidkiddk blah i have to sleep. getting weird bibi

yay

Yes, God, you are so beautiful.

the past two messages i have gotten from my parents:


my dad, "I love my beautiful daughter!!!"
and my mom, "I love you for your holy boldness. You are like Joan of Arc! I am soooo proud of you!"

seriously both made me nearly cry. i am so blessed to have parents who love me, i seriously don't deserve it at all. i also take for granted how supportive they are when i'm in ART school. for serioussss. :(


i'm taking a freshman girl in YL named Camille to church with me tomorrow and i am mucho excited! i wanted to go to bed at 11, but we ended up staying longer than i had planned at the guys' house watching arrested development and playing apples to apples , waiting for josh to turn 21 at midnight. then i gave in to a taco bell run with hannah and nan then went back to our apartment and talked for a while with nicole. (i am seriously overwhelmed by the number of amazing, hilarious, dynamic and beautiful people i am surrounded by every day here) then when i thought i was going to bed around 3, i started feeling nuts and started cutting my hair. i had/and still have NO IDEA what i want to do with it argh. but i cut the left side awkwardly super short, and then my bangs are still really thinck and weird on one side and it is considerably thicker on that side as well- it is thinner in the back and at a point rather than straight across.
anyway my hair is like a really weird greasiness right now so i won't really be able to see how it panned out til the morning haha. but i don't think this was a very good idea hahah. it looked pretty good for a while and then i just lost it urgh. i think i know what i want now, now that i pooped up my hair and now it's super short in places that should be long for what i wanted hahah. but it will be okay. this is the natural process i looove but can so easily get carried away with haha. i need more waxxxx.

yay so it's 4;30 now haha. well, God definitely made awesome use of my time. I love that about him, I want to learn to submit to that more.

this happened today

oh my god

please, please listen to all of these. just close your eyes for a while, this is what music was meant to be. i could die








this guy subscribed to me on youtube i have no idea why he is the #12 most subscribed to person in australia or something and has almost 50,000 subscribers haha but i think he subs to a lot of people who are mediocre but passionate players, which is really nice i think. instrumental music, instrumental guitar is so so beautiful, it is so powerful and there are no words. it is so unlike anything else and i love it. i haven't listened to new music in soo long and i don't even really have a music taste anymore. i do still really like punkish stuff and indie stuff and whatever but really i just don't listen to anything at all. but it's weird because i have just been so drawn to lute music, instrumental guitar, saloon music, big band/swing, piano, etc, blah, balbhablah, whatever. i like this change a lot. lyrics have become so trite.

i hear hannah singing in the shower and it makes me happy yay

alflskdflafj

i am so easily fixed, but still so easily broken.
god, i just want to stay where you are. i just need encouragement, i need you, i need your love and your peace and your wisdom. i don't know what i am supposed to want, what direction to head towards.
and i don't know if i should override into this comm arts drawing classs auahaghghgh like 6 hours of drawing homework poo poo. should i try to believe that i'm going to use all of my free time wisely or should i make myself as busy as possible? i don't know if i will like completely fall apart either way auaghasdhfa;sdfasdlfadsfasldfl;ahsglaksdhlfasdfasldhfags. i don't know.

i want my mommy, i want my daddy, i want my brothers, i want my pillow and my bed and my comfort and my happiness and my ignorance and i hate it. why is it so easy to be so stupid?

i just want to come home to someone who is happy to see me :/

babby in collage

desc:
orpbghhb. i have had those same strings for over a year now, i must change them. but i just got my classical guitar back and i wrote dis sawng ahbabhababa. my neighbor was walking up to the attic/his apartment in the middle of it, and i have never seen them before so i got mildly terrified hurrr.
once again i wish i knew how to record the harmony to this because it makes it :'( sad day. i will have final cut soon ho ho oh oh.
also the chords are the same as where is my mind by the pixies (also i am wearing a pixies shirt), which goes along witht he second line of the song. i'm a poop.

i call; you answer

i'm putting too much energy into trying to put a name to the way i've been feeling lately. unproductive, kind of sad, kind of confused, kind of discouraged. lots of poop that i've been stressing about but doing nothing in particular to fix. also, classes start on thursday-it is tuesday night.

i have 6 people wanting me to cut their hair, which is awesome. one is coming for their second hair cut, another is coming for their third. I'M GETTIN THE HANG OF HTHIS YEAH

i need a hug, i want to be vulnerable, i want my mommy.