i am extremely desperate. for answers, mercy and consolation from something outside myself. :( not a particularly bad place to be because i know things are moving forward, it's just scary finding myself peering into such pure uncertainty. i want to cry because the refiner's fire burns me, but i know i'll come out as something beautiful. but i'm not going to lie. as exciting as it is, there are the moments where it's scary and it hurts. yet, God commands us to not fear, to be strong and courageous. because of his love for us, he doesn't give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. without him i wouldn't be able to leave my house, let alone pick up and move forward in any aspect of my life.
i know myself and by nature i am a miserable failure, full of doubt, dispair, laziness and fear. i would be suffocated and spineless.
but jesus took those things with him to the grave. it is no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me. looking at the fact that i am a somewhat competent artist and adult for my age makes me tremble in awe of how much Christ much have overcome in order to bring me to anything good- so much good.
each hour of the day is different. just a while ago i was going to write something completely different, and much more light hearted and hopeful- today i have been crushed with an onslaught of hope for the future, but the wider the door opens, the more i am gently nudged towards jumping out into an open abyss of possibility. possibility of failure, of debt, of hopelessness, friendlessness, rejection, and time wasted. and yet, at the same time, the possibility of trusting that what God promises me is true, that he is always with me and will never forsake me.
I'm choosing to trust, because I have nothing else. i have nothing left to do but to run as fast as my body can take down the aisle into Jesus' love and trust that through him, i can do all things because of his strenght and not my own. i have enough proof to know i have no strength of my own, and without him i'd just wander into dead places to rot. but He sees me and knows me, knows who I am meant to be and he has dug me out of those dead places and breathed new life into me. he saw me when i was unseen, lost and alone and loved me, so much that he'd die to buy me back into his family, to have the same inheritance as him, eternal life, beginning the second I let him into my heart. I'm living eternal life now.
I have so many feelings surrounding this time of my life and almost all are good. it's just so intense I can barely handle slowing down to contemplate the hopelessness outside of trusting that if God has taken me this far, he will surely take me infinite miles more.
the week preceding my rejection, the song Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken was heavy on my heart.
the first verse especially completely sums up everything I am feeling about all of this.
Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my All shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.
on top of that, at our Prayer for VCUarts meeting the night before the morning I got my decision email, I finally was honest with myself and with God in front of my friends. I told them I was sick of waiting. Talking about CalArts was like rotting soil in my mouth, i felt i was like spewing garbage. My life has felt as thought i've been on hold for 2 years and I continue to project a wishful, expectant face, when I am growing a spirit of desperate contempt for myself as my patience wore and wore. I was hungry for God's answer. I didn't care what it was anymore, I just wanted his words to me, the final word of direction. I didn't know what to say. I could barely get out the words.
when we were done praying, my friend wrote down a psalm on a panera receipt that he read recently that helped him through a large lot of anxiousness and uncertainty. I went home, didn't open my computer like i usually do, feeling emotionally drained. I opened up Psalm 143, and began to read the very words of my heart in front of me, the words i couldn't say after about a week of dry prayers.
Psalm 143
"Oh Lord, hear my prayer. Listen to my cry for mercy. In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgement, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground, he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead, so my spirit grows faint within me! My heart within me is dismayed! I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, oh Lord, my spirit fails! Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, oh Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your good spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, oh Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."
in the morning, the email was in my inbox. i couldn't breath for like 30 seconds-
"answer me quickly" was the part that felt like the big sigh i had been holding in for a year. and praise God for relieving me the very next morning. Thank you God. it was a sweet, bittersweet hug from my heavenly father. I haven't mentioned this to a lot of people but I had to go to work 30 minutes after I opened the decision email with my mom on the phone. We cried some.
I don't know how to explain it but that morning, in the shower, as I was getting ready, when i went to work, I had this incredible feeling I have only very seldom felt. I felt the most tangible love I have ever felt from God, I think. I felt him hold me as I emotionally collapsed after this marathon my heart has been running all this time. I cried because I felt so loved in the arms of a Father who knows me so deeply and loves me, and has promised to give me everything if I ask in his name. And I was so certain I had asked it all in his name, and this was it, him giving me what I asked.
I didn't ask to get into CalArts, but to be drawn to a place where I would know and love him more. And he has done exactly that, given me the grace to be back at the foot of the cross, desperate for his love that flows freely without end. it felt like putting on fresh new skin. a fresh, new heart.
The whole time I was waiting to hear back from CalArts, I didn't want to boast about tomorrow at all, because I knew the fat possibility of me not getting in, despite so many people, including CalArts folks, assuring me of my adequacy and acceptance to the school. Many people said to me, if you don't get in, it just means God has something better for you.
whenever people would say that, i'd just quietly think, there really isn't anything better than CalArts, that's the thing. I couldn't, and still can't imagine anything better than CalArts after everything I've sought. and yet, i barely let myself admit, maybe that is the point. The rejection that may come would be God saying, the worth of knowing Christ surpasses the worth of anything else in this world. your richest gain you can count as loss, compared to knowing how I love you.
Philippians 3:8
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..
So, the golden vision of going to CalArts and being transformed into a animation superstar, i can basically count as complete garbage in light of knowing Jesus. honestly, none of it matters without Jesus. I do art because God refines me with it, and sanctifies me through the trial and error, and incredibly difficult searching of my own heart- led by his spirit. I want to be more like Jesus. And that is what he has given me. I wouldn't trade it for anything. so PRAISE GOD and i thank him so much for giving me Jesus and hope. he has given me something better, when i couldn't believe it existed. I don't now what it means or what it is, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I have been praying and have so far been encouraged to consider applying again, like many CalArts character animation students had to do before getting in. I don't want to be foolish, but if you read all this, will you please pray for me, and ask God to show me clearly what to do, and give me peace and confidence in any decision, and that it would be an act of pursuing HIM, and not a dream that ultimately is complete garbage in comparison to his love.
I am exhausted from writing all this, but I needed to share this with you guys. because it is GOOD news. we are rejected by the world, but ACCEPTED by God, and into heaven. pray that his kingdom come on earth right now, just as it is in heaven. Jesus is the resurrection and the life, and we have him NOW. it's exciting to step out in faith to see what that truly means.
Thanks for loving me and know that all of this, is YOURS too, and it's not by works but by faith in Jesus Christ. your identity is not in your profession or relationships or art. it is in Christ, as God's sons and daughters. remember that and remember that God commands us to rejoice. Grace came in the form of a blameless man dying on a cross- sometimes grace in your life will be hideous and painful, but know that life will come out of it.
i'm done, i love you, good night. Praise Jesus. new chapter.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
wanna be as beautiful as ya make me feel
so stupid being quietly unrequited because it's comfortable, wise and safe. but there's nothing else you can do but wait, pray... and rot in your heartsquish.
no i dont love someone in richmond.
pointless love for people i so admire and long to be like, long to be respected by like i burn with respect and admiration and attraction and other good feelings towards.
i miss the days when this attraction spurred about action in my heart instead of this awful crappy feeling where my butt feels eternaly cemented to my bed, my laptop cemented to my lap, my heart cemented to you, and also, the floor, squashed beneath your cooler pair of shoes. i want to be with someone who makes me want to be better and believe that i can be...someone whose respect i desire, and can practically attain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i want to be the kind of person i wish i could find since that is likely to not happen for a long while, which is fine, i really hope i get into cal arts, and if i do i will probably be going through intense changes and i have no idea how different i might become just after a year. i'm kind of scared. i already feel sad sometimes thinking, like sara quin would say, "remember when i was so strange and likeable? nothing like this person, unloveable."
the things i want in a man are like, really pointless for me to list because all of them for me are half hearted. i don't care. i just really desire to be with someone whose personality slams mine with compatibility and our faiths mesh together so well and that we would edify each other and glorify God with our relationship and love others through it and keep each other accountable and blahb lah blah blah blah it doesn't matter because this is going to happen because God loves me and knows my needs. although i'm super in love crush with an unattainable, really wonderful person whom i have prayed for every day for a while now,, it is relaxing having a season wher ei ahve completely let go of the hope of clicking with someone. after meeting this person i was freshened with the realization that this, this is what i should wait for. except more. now everything pales in comparison and it is actually fantastic. i won't fall in love unless it hits me like a train hits a stupid unsuspecting deer caught in its headlights. really stupd post but i'm tired and sad and i long for this person so much but haha its great because unrequited love is great inspiration for art and whatever and i'm not complaining but ugh sigh can't help but want part of this person to belong to me, even though i have never known what that looks like, but whatever dawg
i just love him T_T i want him to be okay and know Jesus
no i dont love someone in richmond.
pointless love for people i so admire and long to be like, long to be respected by like i burn with respect and admiration and attraction and other good feelings towards.
i miss the days when this attraction spurred about action in my heart instead of this awful crappy feeling where my butt feels eternaly cemented to my bed, my laptop cemented to my lap, my heart cemented to you, and also, the floor, squashed beneath your cooler pair of shoes. i want to be with someone who makes me want to be better and believe that i can be...someone whose respect i desire, and can practically attain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i want to be the kind of person i wish i could find since that is likely to not happen for a long while, which is fine, i really hope i get into cal arts, and if i do i will probably be going through intense changes and i have no idea how different i might become just after a year. i'm kind of scared. i already feel sad sometimes thinking, like sara quin would say, "remember when i was so strange and likeable? nothing like this person, unloveable."
the things i want in a man are like, really pointless for me to list because all of them for me are half hearted. i don't care. i just really desire to be with someone whose personality slams mine with compatibility and our faiths mesh together so well and that we would edify each other and glorify God with our relationship and love others through it and keep each other accountable and blahb lah blah blah blah it doesn't matter because this is going to happen because God loves me and knows my needs. although i'm super in love crush with an unattainable, really wonderful person whom i have prayed for every day for a while now,, it is relaxing having a season wher ei ahve completely let go of the hope of clicking with someone. after meeting this person i was freshened with the realization that this, this is what i should wait for. except more. now everything pales in comparison and it is actually fantastic. i won't fall in love unless it hits me like a train hits a stupid unsuspecting deer caught in its headlights. really stupd post but i'm tired and sad and i long for this person so much but haha its great because unrequited love is great inspiration for art and whatever and i'm not complaining but ugh sigh can't help but want part of this person to belong to me, even though i have never known what that looks like, but whatever dawg
i just love him T_T i want him to be okay and know Jesus
Friday, February 10, 2012
things are already looking up
just thought i would say thankyouuuuuu for listening and praying for me.
this week i have really seen the power of prayer and the power of a likeminded community that seeks Jesus first in fellowship. i'm so thankful for being proved wrong time and again. i am fickle and quick to doubt, meek in my faith but God always parts seas so that he can bring me to safety and reassure me to be still- he is God.
this week i have really seen the power of prayer and the power of a likeminded community that seeks Jesus first in fellowship. i'm so thankful for being proved wrong time and again. i am fickle and quick to doubt, meek in my faith but God always parts seas so that he can bring me to safety and reassure me to be still- he is God.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
praying for help
trying to read the bible but my mind jumps around and my stomach sinks. there's this thick wall between me and God's word lately, all i'm living off of is what i remember. i feel like i've been running on empty for a while- but God's been really good to me, merciful to me, compassionate towards me though I know that I've been talking his ear off and i feel like i've been talking, screaming, crying my heart out and i'm just so out of breath i can't talk anymore. i just want to be silent and soak him in for days. the world around me just knocks me around inside this enclosed space, my schedule, my location, my gut, my fear and reluctance.
if you read this please pray for me. i'm so easily distracted and i'm ready for some real change, change that smashes me into nothing and molds me into something new, better, more of everything good. you know i really can't be proud of anything i have and my self confidence dips from humble to humiliated to desperately compromising in my head. i just want to be happy, joyful and stop lookin so deep into myself to find all the countlessly broken parts. that's not where i should start, i should start with looking at Jesus and how he is completely whole, and completely mine- that i am his to break, mold, and love. i just WANT it so badly. pray for me that this imaginary wall would stop overwhelming me. i need more than what i have here, i feel directionless among other bad things. i dont' feel far from God at all, i just know that if i love him i should keep his commandments, and i DO love him, i just want to glorify him more and love him more, i have the love and the desire to be changed- i just need to go look for Jesus, and be changed by his words. i just get so overwhelmed and frustrated when i sit down to read the bible, i feel like i have a problem that can only leave me with prayer so.... please pray for me
have a lot to share as far as how this semester has been, i turned 21 which was wonderful, but a huge wake up call as far as feeling like i'm way too immature for my age (trying to not let it overwhelm me. trying to get my life in order) and it's immaturity in a way no one can see, which makes it difficult to talk with people about. i feel really two faced lately. trying to distance myself in a healthy way. need to stop feeling like if i back out of something, the whole world will crumble. afjslkd;fhaoweifldknv,mbhoueuhifbjkduhp89yxhdukjew,mfnjhdsfpyz89duhrkjfdspycuihkjewaf
i know Jesus loves me i just want to be changed to be ready for whatever is ahead, whatever decision comes in march/april... cal arts or not, i'll undergo some immense change. God i need to stop worrying and start trusting and submitting to being molded i am just really displeased with myself but i know the answer ya know
ya know.....
if you read this please pray for me. i'm so easily distracted and i'm ready for some real change, change that smashes me into nothing and molds me into something new, better, more of everything good. you know i really can't be proud of anything i have and my self confidence dips from humble to humiliated to desperately compromising in my head. i just want to be happy, joyful and stop lookin so deep into myself to find all the countlessly broken parts. that's not where i should start, i should start with looking at Jesus and how he is completely whole, and completely mine- that i am his to break, mold, and love. i just WANT it so badly. pray for me that this imaginary wall would stop overwhelming me. i need more than what i have here, i feel directionless among other bad things. i dont' feel far from God at all, i just know that if i love him i should keep his commandments, and i DO love him, i just want to glorify him more and love him more, i have the love and the desire to be changed- i just need to go look for Jesus, and be changed by his words. i just get so overwhelmed and frustrated when i sit down to read the bible, i feel like i have a problem that can only leave me with prayer so.... please pray for me
have a lot to share as far as how this semester has been, i turned 21 which was wonderful, but a huge wake up call as far as feeling like i'm way too immature for my age (trying to not let it overwhelm me. trying to get my life in order) and it's immaturity in a way no one can see, which makes it difficult to talk with people about. i feel really two faced lately. trying to distance myself in a healthy way. need to stop feeling like if i back out of something, the whole world will crumble. afjslkd;fhaoweifldknv,mbhoueuhifbjkduhp89yxhdukjew,mfnjhdsfpyz89duhrkjfdspycuihkjewaf
i know Jesus loves me i just want to be changed to be ready for whatever is ahead, whatever decision comes in march/april... cal arts or not, i'll undergo some immense change. God i need to stop worrying and start trusting and submitting to being molded i am just really displeased with myself but i know the answer ya know
ya know.....
Monday, November 28, 2011
my Ebenezers
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT
"Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. "
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
money is a temptation but not at the time being. fame is a temptation but not a goal. if i am becoming conceited, it is not God's desire. i really just want to make art that gives God glory, mostly to draw attention to his work in me- the fact that I should have been dead many times over by now by my own hands, I should be rotting on the streets by my own hands, I should be unlovable, uncared for, have nothing to show for myself except my perversion, my fear, my conceit, my destruction, the pit of selfish desire that brought me to death.
But Jesus sought me when I didn't even know him- he was just a name in a textbook to me, and he dug me out of the grave by his own hands, and breathed life into me again, reminiscent of adam in the garden, but he would have come down from heaven to rescue me if i was the only sheep who had gone astray. he breathed life into me, brought me up from my dead and helpless state and created me new for the purpose i was originally intended for- glory, beauty, perfection in my relationship with God and others. he says you're too good for all of this crap in your life. This isn't who I created you to be, this is your sin that has decieved you and corrupted you.
aren't there a lot of movies that feature an extraordinary circumstance where a scrooge-like main character gets a second chance at life/love/fame/fortune/family? that's me. I feel that my whole life is as if i have been born all over again, and I have a new fresh start- the old me has passed away, the new has come about, and it is all and only because of Jesus' work of love in me.
God drew me to art out of the darkness i was in in high school, giving me hope, a purpose and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11- '
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
and i have seen that in incredible ways- few people now know the kind of person i was in highschool, much less middle school. it might seem stupid to look back so far because we all have our weird days, and I'm no different. I was a weird, creepy, perverse, lonely, confused and isolated kid. and after i became a Christian it was evident that the work happening in me was definitely not my own- all the good things about me were in stark contrast to some habits and personality flaws I clung to (and often still cling to) that ended up hurting a lot of people. I was selfish, very afraid of abandonment, afraid of judgment, judgmental, confused, and sometimes chose to isolate myself. but the good things were things that I go back and see were not my own doing at all. things I didn't realize I had truly done, that I still can't believe I did. pursue people, share my testimony in front of huge crowds of people. Those things I have a hard time remembering because when i look back on high school I remember the embarassing me, the things i want to forget and slough off. The times when i didn't mean to show people my true colors, and got what I deserved. the times people showed me their true colors, and I took advantage of them- held them accountable to things they could never live up to because of my own fear of loss.
i'm going off on a tangent, but basically i want to say that I think that I have become prone to becoming really, really full of myself. but I don't want that, because really nothing good in me is my own. lately i can't discern if I am just really fascinated with what God has done in me, or if I am starting to start investing in my own ego. that's not what i want, all i want out of every single thing i do in my life, would be that people would see all that has been given to me as a gift, but bought at a cost that I could never pay on my own. I cannot buy new life with my fickle attempts at pretending I could ever be good enough for anyone's love, that I could ever be selfless enough to love and live without the rest of me crumbling. a child underestimates how much they depend on their loving parent who provides until they run away. I am young, small, naive, ignorant and gullible in the world of the incomprehendible knowledge of good and evil. I am nothing.
in terms of art- i shouldn't allow myself to attatch myself to the label of my profession, of my school, of my location, of the people i know, people i meet, date, marry. I should be thankful, excited, humble and know it's all a gift that I was created to take joy in, by glorifying God with the amazing things i've been given.
when i start looking at the things i've done, i eventually start to feel really empty because my personality is unsatiable. nothing will ever be enough for me to say, this is good enough, or this is what i wanted. when people encourage me or love me, my first impulse is often to think to myself, "that's not true. you are just saying that." but i think to myself, if i get a lot of people to say that, then I'll believe it. but when more people edify me, it just exposes this greater sea of doubt and the empty feeing of not having enough, and not being good enough. but I'm learning to say, it is enough, Christ enough, thank God for every good work he has done in me, because everything HE does is true, good and beautiful. only by knowing that Christ lives in me day by day can I keep living in joy, confidence and perseverance. there is so much that is at war in my head lately.
but what I'm trying to bunker down to is to refer back to the first two quotes up at the top- about the Ebenezer stone. the roadmarkers of saying, "this is where God has taken me. God was with me during this storm. he has walked with me this far." the times where I have had to step back and say holy crap, God really loves me and will never let me go. when you think back, and hold onto those ebenezer stones in your life path it should encourage you and make you realize even in your heart if it feels like God's not there- HE IS ALWAYS THERE. he is absolutely there and will never not be, and never has not been.
I want my art career to be all about these Ebenezer stones. Not a battle to stack up glory trophies for myself and say, this is how many times I have succeeded and been good enough. but instead, I want to communicate to everyone i know, look at these places in my life where God was more visible than anything else in my life at the time. God is real, and he is good, and he is loving.
Here, i raise my evidence that God was with me- only by his help have i come here.
I am aiming to get into CalArts and I still don't know what is going to happen- i don't want my doubt to crush me, but I might not be good enough this time around, which is okay and i can try again but what i DO know is that going there would be a huge opportunity to glorify God and to become a better communicator of God's love. it's also a huge temptation to be caught up in fame, conceit, envy, bitterness, doubt, greed, fear of failure and selfish ambition. I wanted to state this as my goal- that wherever I go from this year of wandering between schools, between homes, between so many dark areas of uncertainty and brokenness, that God will absolutely be glorified, and not me. I want to love purely, selflessly, and without selfish ambition and i'm going through a season where I am very limited in pouring out into others. but i know God loves me and forgives me for my shortcomings, and is working in my heart everyday to fix the places where I am still so broken and wayward.
i am not perfect and i'l never be perfect on this earth- but Christ is perfect and lives in me. he desires to save the world and not condemn the world, and that is what i desire for everyone i know, for them to know what it's like to be a new creation and see the God of the universe put his hand directly into your life and show you that he is so freaking powerful and incredible and scary and beautiful, but that he loves YOU. it's freedom from sin, freedom from self, freedom from fear, emptiness, doubt, unsatiable desire and pain.
"John 21:25-
Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."
you are apart of that library. Jesus did all of this.
"Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. "
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
money is a temptation but not at the time being. fame is a temptation but not a goal. if i am becoming conceited, it is not God's desire. i really just want to make art that gives God glory, mostly to draw attention to his work in me- the fact that I should have been dead many times over by now by my own hands, I should be rotting on the streets by my own hands, I should be unlovable, uncared for, have nothing to show for myself except my perversion, my fear, my conceit, my destruction, the pit of selfish desire that brought me to death.
But Jesus sought me when I didn't even know him- he was just a name in a textbook to me, and he dug me out of the grave by his own hands, and breathed life into me again, reminiscent of adam in the garden, but he would have come down from heaven to rescue me if i was the only sheep who had gone astray. he breathed life into me, brought me up from my dead and helpless state and created me new for the purpose i was originally intended for- glory, beauty, perfection in my relationship with God and others. he says you're too good for all of this crap in your life. This isn't who I created you to be, this is your sin that has decieved you and corrupted you.
aren't there a lot of movies that feature an extraordinary circumstance where a scrooge-like main character gets a second chance at life/love/fame/fortune/family? that's me. I feel that my whole life is as if i have been born all over again, and I have a new fresh start- the old me has passed away, the new has come about, and it is all and only because of Jesus' work of love in me.
God drew me to art out of the darkness i was in in high school, giving me hope, a purpose and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11- '
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
and i have seen that in incredible ways- few people now know the kind of person i was in highschool, much less middle school. it might seem stupid to look back so far because we all have our weird days, and I'm no different. I was a weird, creepy, perverse, lonely, confused and isolated kid. and after i became a Christian it was evident that the work happening in me was definitely not my own- all the good things about me were in stark contrast to some habits and personality flaws I clung to (and often still cling to) that ended up hurting a lot of people. I was selfish, very afraid of abandonment, afraid of judgment, judgmental, confused, and sometimes chose to isolate myself. but the good things were things that I go back and see were not my own doing at all. things I didn't realize I had truly done, that I still can't believe I did. pursue people, share my testimony in front of huge crowds of people. Those things I have a hard time remembering because when i look back on high school I remember the embarassing me, the things i want to forget and slough off. The times when i didn't mean to show people my true colors, and got what I deserved. the times people showed me their true colors, and I took advantage of them- held them accountable to things they could never live up to because of my own fear of loss.
i'm going off on a tangent, but basically i want to say that I think that I have become prone to becoming really, really full of myself. but I don't want that, because really nothing good in me is my own. lately i can't discern if I am just really fascinated with what God has done in me, or if I am starting to start investing in my own ego. that's not what i want, all i want out of every single thing i do in my life, would be that people would see all that has been given to me as a gift, but bought at a cost that I could never pay on my own. I cannot buy new life with my fickle attempts at pretending I could ever be good enough for anyone's love, that I could ever be selfless enough to love and live without the rest of me crumbling. a child underestimates how much they depend on their loving parent who provides until they run away. I am young, small, naive, ignorant and gullible in the world of the incomprehendible knowledge of good and evil. I am nothing.
in terms of art- i shouldn't allow myself to attatch myself to the label of my profession, of my school, of my location, of the people i know, people i meet, date, marry. I should be thankful, excited, humble and know it's all a gift that I was created to take joy in, by glorifying God with the amazing things i've been given.
when i start looking at the things i've done, i eventually start to feel really empty because my personality is unsatiable. nothing will ever be enough for me to say, this is good enough, or this is what i wanted. when people encourage me or love me, my first impulse is often to think to myself, "that's not true. you are just saying that." but i think to myself, if i get a lot of people to say that, then I'll believe it. but when more people edify me, it just exposes this greater sea of doubt and the empty feeing of not having enough, and not being good enough. but I'm learning to say, it is enough, Christ enough, thank God for every good work he has done in me, because everything HE does is true, good and beautiful. only by knowing that Christ lives in me day by day can I keep living in joy, confidence and perseverance. there is so much that is at war in my head lately.
but what I'm trying to bunker down to is to refer back to the first two quotes up at the top- about the Ebenezer stone. the roadmarkers of saying, "this is where God has taken me. God was with me during this storm. he has walked with me this far." the times where I have had to step back and say holy crap, God really loves me and will never let me go. when you think back, and hold onto those ebenezer stones in your life path it should encourage you and make you realize even in your heart if it feels like God's not there- HE IS ALWAYS THERE. he is absolutely there and will never not be, and never has not been.
I want my art career to be all about these Ebenezer stones. Not a battle to stack up glory trophies for myself and say, this is how many times I have succeeded and been good enough. but instead, I want to communicate to everyone i know, look at these places in my life where God was more visible than anything else in my life at the time. God is real, and he is good, and he is loving.
Here, i raise my evidence that God was with me- only by his help have i come here.
I am aiming to get into CalArts and I still don't know what is going to happen- i don't want my doubt to crush me, but I might not be good enough this time around, which is okay and i can try again but what i DO know is that going there would be a huge opportunity to glorify God and to become a better communicator of God's love. it's also a huge temptation to be caught up in fame, conceit, envy, bitterness, doubt, greed, fear of failure and selfish ambition. I wanted to state this as my goal- that wherever I go from this year of wandering between schools, between homes, between so many dark areas of uncertainty and brokenness, that God will absolutely be glorified, and not me. I want to love purely, selflessly, and without selfish ambition and i'm going through a season where I am very limited in pouring out into others. but i know God loves me and forgives me for my shortcomings, and is working in my heart everyday to fix the places where I am still so broken and wayward.
i am not perfect and i'l never be perfect on this earth- but Christ is perfect and lives in me. he desires to save the world and not condemn the world, and that is what i desire for everyone i know, for them to know what it's like to be a new creation and see the God of the universe put his hand directly into your life and show you that he is so freaking powerful and incredible and scary and beautiful, but that he loves YOU. it's freedom from sin, freedom from self, freedom from fear, emptiness, doubt, unsatiable desire and pain.
"John 21:25-
Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."
you are apart of that library. Jesus did all of this.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
haven't written in so long- there is a problem here
i only have about 20 minutes here in starbucks but i just need to write. so much has happened the past few months i haven't included on this blog- basically furiously trying to let God make me adequate for CalArts. trying to deal with having to cut my heart away from the things i usually invest so much in, so freely and selflessly- this semester is very different from any semester of college yet because I am in the process of investing in a new city, new life, new school. Although i know i am accountable to those immediately in front of me (i now work at a cafe, I am taking one figure drawing class, have new roommates i absolutely prayed for God to give me for a reason, and I am still leading young life) I am accountable to who God puts in front of me, but I have had to refrain from chasing people, seeking out relationships to build them, encourage them, tell them they are loved, convince them of life in Jesus by living my own life as though I will live forever in the arms of my heavenly Father, God of the universe who loves me so much he'd die for me. I need to go soon- but maybe it's better that I don't go into all of the shortcomings and doubts and sins I am struggling with, but God has helped me overcome so much more.
basically I am seeking deep conviction, a real reason to shout out to the world that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ. I find myself talking about myself all the time, being afraid to invest time in others for fear of my empire crumbling- my entrance to Cal Arts feels like a feeble bridge made of toothpicks from my end, and that it could collapse at any moment, and I would be left to blame. Tell me how much sense this makes- I am afraid that if I fail, It will be because I didn't abide in the Lord enough. I want to be obedient to him as much as I can be- but obedience for the sake of recieving something that has become an idol in my heart- what use is that if i forfeit my soul, my love and relationship with Jesus? it's insane that I am struggling so hard to meet this goal, that all revolves around proving my own worth. but God has taught be better than that with my whole life- only by his grace have I become worth anything. I have this fruitless obedience with no faith- and faith is what it means to abide in him, and what makes me apart of the vine that produces fruit, that produces life. I really am fighting to see in darkness, as much as i don't want to admit it for fear of realizing my toothpick bridge across this wide open scary sea of uncertainty, is a stupid lie- God is carrying me through it all and he LOVES me, he ADORES ME, and he has a plan for me, plans to PROSPER ME AND TO NOT HARM ME, to give me HOPE, and a FUTURE- who knows what that will look like but I'll tell you that the things in my life pointing to moving to LA and going to Cal Arts are almost scary how blessed things are coming together- I am almost in disbelief. I'm not good enough. I'll never be "good enough." But God is in control, not me, not my teachers, not distance or money, or the people reviewing my portfolio. I need to be obedient, but I also need to seek out the Lord in my life right now, and not be afraid of loving as much as I have become. I don't feel like myself, and the Lord convicted me yesterday, that I am comfortable with myself when there is such an obvious painful rift between me and my roommate, who I once loved so deeply. It's satan, it's a lie, it's not Jesus. Just because I have peace with something doesn't particularly mean it's from God.
I need to go draw someone for homework- but God, i need him so badly, i want him so badly, i MISS HIM so badly. I am afraid of creating this incredible worth of myself based on my work, my appearance, my personality, my humor- i don't want that, it is all nothing, it is absolutely fleeting and it gives me this high that is not out of a relief and joy that God is being glorified. it's not right. My biggest fear is being self sufficient- or thinking I am. I'm not good enough, I'm putting myself before God lately and saying , look at me, I'm good enough- you want me, be jealous of me, miss me, love me, want to be like me..... not Jesus.
basically I am seeking deep conviction, a real reason to shout out to the world that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ. I find myself talking about myself all the time, being afraid to invest time in others for fear of my empire crumbling- my entrance to Cal Arts feels like a feeble bridge made of toothpicks from my end, and that it could collapse at any moment, and I would be left to blame. Tell me how much sense this makes- I am afraid that if I fail, It will be because I didn't abide in the Lord enough. I want to be obedient to him as much as I can be- but obedience for the sake of recieving something that has become an idol in my heart- what use is that if i forfeit my soul, my love and relationship with Jesus? it's insane that I am struggling so hard to meet this goal, that all revolves around proving my own worth. but God has taught be better than that with my whole life- only by his grace have I become worth anything. I have this fruitless obedience with no faith- and faith is what it means to abide in him, and what makes me apart of the vine that produces fruit, that produces life. I really am fighting to see in darkness, as much as i don't want to admit it for fear of realizing my toothpick bridge across this wide open scary sea of uncertainty, is a stupid lie- God is carrying me through it all and he LOVES me, he ADORES ME, and he has a plan for me, plans to PROSPER ME AND TO NOT HARM ME, to give me HOPE, and a FUTURE- who knows what that will look like but I'll tell you that the things in my life pointing to moving to LA and going to Cal Arts are almost scary how blessed things are coming together- I am almost in disbelief. I'm not good enough. I'll never be "good enough." But God is in control, not me, not my teachers, not distance or money, or the people reviewing my portfolio. I need to be obedient, but I also need to seek out the Lord in my life right now, and not be afraid of loving as much as I have become. I don't feel like myself, and the Lord convicted me yesterday, that I am comfortable with myself when there is such an obvious painful rift between me and my roommate, who I once loved so deeply. It's satan, it's a lie, it's not Jesus. Just because I have peace with something doesn't particularly mean it's from God.
I need to go draw someone for homework- but God, i need him so badly, i want him so badly, i MISS HIM so badly. I am afraid of creating this incredible worth of myself based on my work, my appearance, my personality, my humor- i don't want that, it is all nothing, it is absolutely fleeting and it gives me this high that is not out of a relief and joy that God is being glorified. it's not right. My biggest fear is being self sufficient- or thinking I am. I'm not good enough, I'm putting myself before God lately and saying , look at me, I'm good enough- you want me, be jealous of me, miss me, love me, want to be like me..... not Jesus.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
i think the problem here is that i’ve forgotten everything about who i am/who i’ve been/who i’ve been known to be
art wise, faith wise, humor wise, everything-wise.
seems to me that everyone remembers all of the great things about me, except me.
people will remind me of things i said, did, or created and i just feel so strange. i feel so detached from who people say i am- which are all good things. Satan seriously is telling me all of these opposite things. and my heart is going in two directions- believe in deep hopelessness of my sinful self, or believe that all of those things that the people who know me best remind me that i am are true? my sin and imperfections were buried in the ground with Jesus, and it stayed there, dead and buried, and i now live because he lives, and all good things i am are all God’s grace and love for me. but satan is breathing down my neck, lies, every single day, and i feel bogged down by disbelief, worry, timidity and anxiousness- all of which, i know absolutely are not from the Lord.
2 Timothy 1: 6-12
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
i know that this is absolutely the truth. i need to remember to fan into flame the gifts and talents God has given me, and know that i shouldn’t be ashamed of my weaknesses in my suffering. i know that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness… and i’ve seen it so many times before.
i need that power, love, and self discipline. and i feel God absolutely beginning to mold me. only last night when i talked to each of my family members on the phone, did i mentally take a step back from my life and realize, that I do believe God is molding me, shaping me, but at least where i was last night- I was a big, shapeless, lump of mush. that’s okay. that is so, so, so okay because i know God is good, and he loves me, and i’d rather be a lump of mush in his hands and be created into something new and beautiful and pure- powerful, loving and disciplined- even if it’s painful.
this is all because of him, and i’m so glad that God has been taking such great measures to remind me day by day that all I am, and all i will ever be is all because of his love for me, and his deep, merciful purpose. i am NOT alone, fending for myself in such a lonely, cold world, spouting dead, old messages.
i am absolutely convinced that my life that i have entrusted to Jesus is being guarded with the utmost care- a loving father for his daughter, a potter for his greatest masterpiece, a mighty God for his beautiful creation.
that’s who i am, that is my identity. i’m glad that God is chasing me, speaking to me in his own loving words the truth. his words speak so much louder and gentler and stronger than any other voice in this world- more assuring, convincing and loving than all the family, friends and authorities in my life, and more piercingly than Satan who knows my sin like the back of his hand.
Jesus is powerful, mighty to save. he knows all of my sin, my failures, insecurities and all of these things and loves me anyway. so much that he would die for me, to give me the inheritance he has in his perfection. I can’t wait to be with him. To live is Christ- everyday i do feel that i am trying the best i can right now to lay down my life for him and those around me, like he did for me. But God, to die is gain. the most fearsome fate of all mankind, death, will now be so sweet to me because I know where I am headed, and I will be able to be with you. I will be able to be with you, you who loves me and knows my true worth as your daughter.
so, thank you for loving me, convincing me of the truth as the author of my life, and saving me to that i might live- no guilt in life, and no fear in death.
seems to me that everyone remembers all of the great things about me, except me.
people will remind me of things i said, did, or created and i just feel so strange. i feel so detached from who people say i am- which are all good things. Satan seriously is telling me all of these opposite things. and my heart is going in two directions- believe in deep hopelessness of my sinful self, or believe that all of those things that the people who know me best remind me that i am are true? my sin and imperfections were buried in the ground with Jesus, and it stayed there, dead and buried, and i now live because he lives, and all good things i am are all God’s grace and love for me. but satan is breathing down my neck, lies, every single day, and i feel bogged down by disbelief, worry, timidity and anxiousness- all of which, i know absolutely are not from the Lord.
2 Timothy 1: 6-12
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
i know that this is absolutely the truth. i need to remember to fan into flame the gifts and talents God has given me, and know that i shouldn’t be ashamed of my weaknesses in my suffering. i know that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness… and i’ve seen it so many times before.
i need that power, love, and self discipline. and i feel God absolutely beginning to mold me. only last night when i talked to each of my family members on the phone, did i mentally take a step back from my life and realize, that I do believe God is molding me, shaping me, but at least where i was last night- I was a big, shapeless, lump of mush. that’s okay. that is so, so, so okay because i know God is good, and he loves me, and i’d rather be a lump of mush in his hands and be created into something new and beautiful and pure- powerful, loving and disciplined- even if it’s painful.
this is all because of him, and i’m so glad that God has been taking such great measures to remind me day by day that all I am, and all i will ever be is all because of his love for me, and his deep, merciful purpose. i am NOT alone, fending for myself in such a lonely, cold world, spouting dead, old messages.
i am absolutely convinced that my life that i have entrusted to Jesus is being guarded with the utmost care- a loving father for his daughter, a potter for his greatest masterpiece, a mighty God for his beautiful creation.
that’s who i am, that is my identity. i’m glad that God is chasing me, speaking to me in his own loving words the truth. his words speak so much louder and gentler and stronger than any other voice in this world- more assuring, convincing and loving than all the family, friends and authorities in my life, and more piercingly than Satan who knows my sin like the back of his hand.
Jesus is powerful, mighty to save. he knows all of my sin, my failures, insecurities and all of these things and loves me anyway. so much that he would die for me, to give me the inheritance he has in his perfection. I can’t wait to be with him. To live is Christ- everyday i do feel that i am trying the best i can right now to lay down my life for him and those around me, like he did for me. But God, to die is gain. the most fearsome fate of all mankind, death, will now be so sweet to me because I know where I am headed, and I will be able to be with you. I will be able to be with you, you who loves me and knows my true worth as your daughter.
so, thank you for loving me, convincing me of the truth as the author of my life, and saving me to that i might live- no guilt in life, and no fear in death.
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