today

posted today , november 10th

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out of the things i have either have a great aptitude for or just purely love, 

drawing, writing, exploring, speaking, singing, guitar playing, acting, FILM…

i chose animation as the thing to study. and sometimes i am confused by this path i’ve stumbled upon- and i often have a really heavy longing in my heart to just follow film or just follow…i don’t know. anything else. drawing doesn’t come as easily for me as the other things, but i am good at it and really love seeing how i have grown the past few years and i have learned a lot about myself, how to persevere, how to trust God, and how to be disciplined. it is still a process and i’m thankful for my weird journey this far that has side tracked me several times to learn more and more about myself. whenever things in my life come to a hault- i am initially very discouraged and full of self doubt. but i’ve seen that these situations often turn out to be events that lead to me knowing more about myself, and having more peace and confidence with who i am/what i can do/where i might be in the future.

i chose animation because it is, as i can see this far, the best possible way for me to incorporate all aspects of my creative outlets in one. it has been frustrating because i have so much to learn and i can only teach myself so much on my own. i've gone from being a big/odd fish in a small/differently odd  pond, to being a fish without any pond at all. I desire to learn from peers and mentors. but God hasn’t given that to me yet, and i don’t know if he will. I can’t even see if God wants me to stick with this- I try really hard to learn on my own and try to discipline myself artistically- a lot has come out of this semester, and it’s not over yet. my CalArts deadline is January 4th (i think) and other schools are Dec 1, and later in the spring. I have no idea what is going to happen and I can’t even tell if I am close to being prepared. It is difficult not having likeminded artists and instructors around me to help me out- that’s why i left my old school in the first place!

so. will you please pray for me, to have an overflow of the heart and mind in my art making this 1.5 months, so I can confidently put my best foot forward, and rest in whatever result- rejection or acceptance from any school, that I did everything I possibly could by completely putting my trust in God by being obedient with my time and actions and concepts… i need help and i need a movement in my spirit. i feel trapped a lot of the time. thanks so much for your support and love the past year. will you please ask God to break me and build me up to the best I can be for my portfolio submission. will you please pray for peace and no more doubt/confusion/reluctance.

thankya friends

snapping out of the affirmation blues

posted 2 days ago

God has been faithful to take away the idols in my heart that i’ve been clinging to for inspiration.

also in the past couple weeks it has become crystal clear why i am in colorado and not in California. 

i am finally okay with admitting i’m not ready, i have been seeking affirmation in all the wrong places, and that is why art has never been freeing for me, as an adult. i am not being affirmed by what the spirit of Jesus is doing in my heart- and i have been caughtup in whether I will be made adequate in the eyes of other people- i have discovered with my art that has been my biggest priority. 

i have tried to cleave as much as i can to philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

even though the world has been kind of rotting around me. family life is so extremely heartbreaking lately and i feel helpless to fix anything, because i absolutely know i cannot fix a single thing. all i can is try my best to love. and lately i want to spit in anyone’s face who wants to give me advice on dealing with my family because they don’t understand, and it’s between me, God and my family now and i am becoming increasingly ashamed of asking for outside help because i think i have begun to violate my family’s privacy. it was one thing when i was 3,000 miles away in a different state, but now i live in the same city as them. 

i want to shake off all of my self pity and live life as the free person i truly am, live as though i am not condemned, which i am not. i want to continue to leave all my sin and shortcomings behind, because I love God and i want to live a life of obedience to express my love for him. I am tired of the rotting world, of sex, of cynicism, of compromise, of daydreams, of fantasy, i just so desire for the true restoration of the world right in front of me. i sigh/swoon over the glory to come, and who God is going to have made me/my friends/my family even a year from now. I have no expectations any longer, which at first was the most painful bandaid to rip off, but now I have complete peace being clay in the potter’s hand. And I want to shake off any excess self pity and emotional baggage that doesn’t serve me well any longer. I have peace with not going to CalArts if that’s what it comes down to, even though it might sting. I have peace with not being the best, and I also am coming to peace with being starkly different from the artists around me who i compare myself to constantly. This weekend it felt as though I had snapped out of a spell. Suddenly I realized:

Yes. I am good at art, I am great at life drawing, my ideas are worth talking about and i have a gift with communication.

Yes, a lot of what I feel deep down and need to get out and express are extremely different and unlike what is popular. 

Yes, it’s okay to detest modern art, and I don’t have to become like them.

It’s okay to not have a thousand followers on my art tumblr, and people going gaga over my artwork.

I have a truly teachable heart that needs tobe even less defensive about my ego, but even more approving of my own artwork regardless of whoever else, or if no one else believes in it or likes it.

My desire to be completely affirmed by people around me, or by a school, people i don’t even know and don’t even know me, is a recipe for total emptiness of heart that absolutely needs to be replaced by a powerful overflow of joy and confidence that comes from being totally and completely affirmed by who Jesus has created me to be, and what he is doing in the world. If this doesn’t take place, I will never truly love art making, writing, anything, i will never truly love or respect myself because people’s love is fleeting and conditional. although I should always strive to make my craft absolutely excellent, I should do it for the glory of the one who made me, not for bringing glory to myself for what I have made or learned.

I can’t imagine if I were alone in California having the same struggle I have been having lately, and watching my family trudge through what is going on from a distance. I would have been completely crushed, broken and alone by now. But wow, seriously I am so blessed to have had all of my plans completely backfire in my face- and who cares if I have maybe embarrassed myself in front of peers of mine who might have thought, “I kind of knew it was a pipe dream,” or “i kind of had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen.” I used to care a lot. It was a huge feeling of rejection and failure, wondering if I had come this far because of my own pride or because of God’s providence.

I know that absolutely it was God’s providence. of course my pride drove me as well, but that’s going to probably even be a life long process, but right now he is digging it out of the depths of my heart and showing me how truly harmful it is for me to take approval from men, instead of living out of the approval i already have. it’s insane just because i always thought i knew that lesson. but there are layers of defensiveness in a person’s ego, to defend ourselves against being confronted with our nature of being estranged children of God, alone and enslaved to sin. the key word being: alone. unworthy of love. unable to receive love unless maybe, build something out of our own heads that might hold a feeble candle to the richness we have lost to prove we are worth something- anything. I am blessed to have seen straight through myself into knowing it doesn’t matter how good I am at art- my heart is dissatisfied with myself and no amount of human praise will ever be “enough” to ease that heavy feeling of inadequacy. 

so praise God for revealing to me that I am affirmed in his love and work in my life. I feel that things are already starting to change and I am making art as an overflow of that - things have been more relaxed. I need to be driven still, so if you pray will you please pray for me to fervently pursue artmaking, joyfully, this last month and a half until my portfolio for CalArts is due. I am also applying to other schools. God knows where he wants me, but i want to put my best foot forward for his glory, and to get into the practice of loving God, and loving art because I am free in his love. it is a very, very foreign concept to me- confidence in the Lord, pertaining to my actions. i am absolutely not there yet at all when it comes to art but things are finally moving.

thank you for praying for me if you have prayed. love you friends

oct 19

recent journals i thought i should post here:

i am finally sitting down to map out my deadlines for school applications, and i have had some tea, and my brain feels frazzled, i have bitten my nails so now they are jagged, and now i can’t stop picking at my face with my sharp jagged nails and it hurts a lot but i am stressed also i am losing my hair again (it looks nice longer like it is right now, but i knew this would happen) so i am going to have to start taking rogain again like freshman year!!! idk why i am losing my hair. freshman year i think it was stress related. perhaps it is health related. i just have a very delicate scalp ugh. but really like when i take a shirt off or something, i see like 5 hairs float in front of me that were torn off my head in that gentle touch to my head… and blowdrying my hair is awfffffulll . 

anyway i need to organize my life i have no idea where i am going to be in 6 months. need mercy, clarity, commitment and courage. sigh. helpp.

1 week ago

posting recent journals i should share here:

one of the worst states of heart is when you can hear the screaming sensation of helplessness and worthlessness over the powerful truth of being affirmed, loved and cared for no matter what. all life haults in this state of mind and nothing seems to move forward - even if things are moving, you are too asleep inside to notice. believe that you have a future, hope and love outside of the failures you think define you, even the successes that aren’t so dazzling that define you. i’ve got to stop comparing myself to my peer group and thinking i’m behind. i am more helpless & depraved than i give myself credit for, but in the Lord, it is a precious place to be, because he gives me all i truly need that has nothing to do with social hurdles. i think God pulled me aside to  renovate my heart that has always been just as desperate, but has been seeking out the wrong things to prove my worth. as long as that takes for me to learn, i have to be okay with because I’m never going to be okay with myself until I believe the truth, that I am affirmed, loved and cared for no matter what, regardless of what i deserve. 

about that keeping in touch thing

well! i have been really poor at keeping up this blog and i am really thankful and humbled that people say they've checked in on here to see how i've been doing. i want to apologize for not keepign in touch. i have journaled some on my tumblr, but not here. basically: since my last post on this blog, God has given me an incredible amount of PEACE about not being in california, and being in Colorado with my family. he has made it very, very evident why I should be here in the past months. He has provided in every way for me, socially, financially, academically and spiritually (although it has been a very different season of life compared to the past 3 years). emotionally he has also provided, because the beginning of my time here in colorado I had the worst mood swings, and I felt so inconsistent with my identity that there were days i felt very lost and untrusting of what I was doing with my life. I saw (and still, often see) myself in the midst of all of God's providence, and looking at myself, knowing that I was the weak link. so much that God has given to me, but still I can't take advantage of it to the fullest. I am taking a Westminster Confessions class at my church on wednesday nights, which has been incredible when it comes to laying out the foundations of reformed faith, and exactly why we believe then with scriptural evidence and opposing arguments. i have been learning a lot about things i have never really even wondered about before- and in the beginning of this class, it honestly shook my faith in God when it comes to his sovereignty vs his love. kind of typical struggle i guess for a Christian at some point- but i think it's a good and necessary challenge to think about. i felt estranged from God- things that were once so familiar, seemed very unfamiliar. but i heard someone say once that when you are in a season like that, have hope in the Lord because it just means that when you finally find your way back to familiarity, your knowledge, love and fear of God will be all the more rich. So I really have hope in that, but it has definitely been confusing.
i am going to post a few journals i have written sort of recently that I realized really belonged on this blog and NOT on my tumblr (because hardly any christian friends of mine follow that, but i am on it more often to brood about life haha). Tumblr is a very dark place sometimes and I recommend to those who do not have a tumblr, to not get one for the sake of your heart/mind/spirit, chasing a Philippians 4:8 life.

i can’t say much abot my life these days, because i have just been REALLY confused in many different ways. it feels like i am still attatched to God, but i have really had to let go of everything i called “me” and it’s pretty disorienting. I’m having a lot of theological questions , i don’t doubt that God is who he says he is, he’s perfectly merciful and perfectly just, and Jesus is more than enough to cover our sins. but just some other things. i’ve been worried about my christian friends who have just walked away from the faith. what does it mean for your faith to be “shipwrecked?” are we constantly shipwrecked or is this something else, something dire? 

I don’t know.

anyway, it’s good that i’m writing this in the morning, because I have just been having the worst mood swings lately, and it gets bad at night. I have found myself becoming more timid, less bold when it comes to talking about God, and that’s like- really uncharacteristic of me, i guess, but I have just had to confess that I need time to just be silent and ponderous right now. I have always had to sort out my walk with Jesus by talking about it, but i think lately I think God is just saying, be quiet, do what I tell you- watch, and listen to see what happens. I am faithful. 

anyway, i’m so confused. I have not stopped praying, I pray constantly, ad I don’t think this is a case of being “shipwrecked” at all. My heart, although discouraged, hardly as confident as it used to be, less full than it has been known to be, and it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and get excited about what’s ahead— my heart still wants God, wants Jesus and I know that only he can help me right now. My heart might have a default to disobedience in a lot of cases, and that’s hard to change, hard to shake off. but he really has lifted a huge burden from me that I’m now forgetting was ever there- I came into living here in Colorado, with a completely crushed spirit. my spirit still feels kind of crushed right now, but I’m not going to dwell on it, i just have to keep moving forward. although i can hardly, hardly envision at all where i will be even in the next 4 months, applying to all these art schools- when i am often completely devoid of a desire or passion for making art. but I think God is calling me to persevere on in this. i could be wrong. but i feel like this blockage is truly a heart problem, and a spirit problem. it’s hard to give it all up to him, for him to refine it, because so far, i’ve got nothing on my hands- which is scary and can be very demotivating.

oh well. what i do have is faith that he’s going to get me through this. not really an excited feeling, but i just know. he always comes through for me, literally always, and he always surprises me and melts my heart with affection for him. he loves me, though i feel my self being hesitantly trustful right now. anyway. my mind just psyches me out so much and tries to make me feel hopeless, depraved in spirit, when really i should probably just take a nap, go to the gym or do something productive instead of WORRY.

blah.

that’s all. Praise God for what he’s doign in my life and has already done in my life. the same God who I have been so in love with and so romanced by the past 3 years in richmond, is the same God in colorado, when I am confused, lazy, kinda depressed sometimes- starving  in my heart, but i feel like i’ve lost my appetite for the Word. <—-that’s the worst part of all of this, so if you could please pray for me, that’d be awesooome

update on MOVE

i know i haven't updated in a long time, and i'm sorry! i really hope i can muster the words to say, thoroughly without blabbering
currently trying to take a fb hiatus/tumblr hiatus because i realized it was making my brain seriously rot.

1.) visited santa clarita/L.A./CalArts and felt a very deep sense of love and belonging in the area, which i was not expecting at all (i could hardly picture any bit of this next step happening, could barely daydream about it)

2.) visited CalArts and was also astounded by how much i liked the campus and everything about the school i saw, which i was also not really expecting. went on a tour, and later barely got time of the character animation counselor, who spent time talking with me about my portfolio, and discussed news that all the reasons/opportunities i was planning to move to the area for, basically do not even exist anymore because a certain drawing professor died who was fine with audits, and even hosted life drawings on weekends open to nonstudents and such- and he offered an online portfolio workshop taught by a calarts professor. got very explicit advice, "if it's for connections with the industry, even getting a job- that's fine, but if i were you, i would NOT move to LA if it's just for CalArts."

3.) felt and knew in my heart that God was saying, "No" to this big move that I've been hoping in for so long. i suddenly was facing staying in colorado for a whole year with my family, which i perceived (and still, somewhat perceive) as my biggest nightmare. i felt anger, i thought i was mad at God but after a little while i realized i knew better than to be mad at God, because he obviously knows better than me, and that'd be ridiculous. however, i discovered an intense hate for myself, and frustration at myself. it's been really hard being disconnected from all of my christian friends, and it's been even harder trying to explain to people that God shut this door for now. i feel like i have lost my vision for now. I am having a hard time remembering the passion i had for this move before i left because i'm facing a great deal of doubt in myself - wondering, do i even want to do art? should i do art? have i been lying to myself all this time? along with a great deal of paranoia about my art even being worthwhile. anyway i won't go into much more detail but basically i just cracked open a huge lot of hate for myself that i have been sidestepping, telling God that I honestly don't know what brought me here- was it my pride or faith in you?

4.) God really did bless this trip in incredible ways, such as the timing to the airport- i left my phone in the car, so we missed our flight, after being blessed with the very front parking spot in a couple-acre large extended-stay parking lot (very cool) and southwest let us fly on the later flight for free - which was within their policy, but it was still just a very stressful venture of being reminded the whole trip taht God was in control. my Mom and I prayed before everything, including walking into stores & restaurants, gas stations to buy maps, blah blah.
We also were blessed with a few divine appointments-

first- we visited John MacArthur's church, Grace Community Church, and i awkwardly chatted up a couple in the visitor's lounge, and the husband said he was just visiting for the day, but he typically went to a church called Bel Air Presbyterian, which specifically ministered to the entertainment industry (and the majority of the congregation have jobs in the industry.) that pumped me up because i wasn't expecting to hear that music in my ears, ministry to the entertainment industry.
we visited that church in the evening.

second- my friend David, who wrote one of my letters of recommendation, who works for dreamworks, went to calarts and is also a Christian, so happened to have a Christian, female friend who had a room in her apartment up for rent (which was thrilling to me. all the housing options i had left felt very unsafe/sketchy/were really far away/didn't feel right) . although at this point i was starting to feel that God had already dropped the ball, i guess he wasn't finished blessing our trip in intentional ways. I visited David's friend, Holly, who lived in a neighborhood right beside CalArts. She showed me around and we chatted for some time- she was 10 years older than me when i thought she was only 3 years older than me. even though i shared with her i wasn't positive i was moving to the area any longer, she was just a great breath of fresh air, was encouraging and extended a genuine contact of friendship next time i was in the area. Holly was SO. AWESOME.

third- weirdest one, but my mom and i were in starbucks the last day of our trip, and right as my mom was going to leave me to run an errand, a woman my mom's age sits down two tables away, in tears, and asks mom to please sit with her. The woman poured a sugar packet into her mouth and was drinking some fluid- she was just having a bad bloodsugar crash and was afraid she would faint. mom checked her pulse and sat with her while she collected herself, and they already seemed like they clicked as friends in a span of 10 minutes. anyway, we all got talking and it turned out the woman was a Christian and went to that church, Bel Air Pres- and just had several rooms in her house open up for rent. she had a 15 yo daughter, and two sons who both were in christian colleges in LA. we shared info, and a few hours later, my mom and i found ourselves in the beautiful secluded mountains of northern LA praying to God that this family wouldn't be murderers or anything, because it was such a weird happening that we were where we were. anyway, we visited the house and it was extremely beautiful. I met her daughter and one of her sons. even though it was likely i would not ever live there, it was an extraordinary detour just to make some real friends, especially her son Josh, who offered to help me find friends next time i was in the area. (who, by the way, is the reason why [besides the Almighty God of the Universe having other plans for me this year] i would probably definitely never live there because he was way too cute)(and also he said he dated the niece of one of the creators of phineas and ferb)(who are also christians)(he also offered to introduce me)(cool)

5.) with all of those opportunities at CalArts no longer available, it became evident the cost of me living in California completely outweighed the benefit. though God gave me an extremely good view of the area, and made me fall in love with it, i just guess it's not time yet.

i'm back in colorado, feeling somewhat like i have no idea who i am or what i'm doing or why im doing anything
i want to have a soberminded look at myself. i want to know if i can do this, and i don't want to waste anymore time. i was having a great deal of anxiety this whole trip about how i look very young and no one takes me seriously- mixed with the embarassment that i'm 21 and i still have nothing to show for the past 3 years of school.
honestly, all i really want is to go to CalArts and LEARN things, and be around other artists who inspire me and make me feel small/humble in a healthy way. i'm applying to other colleges, but im going through the same notions as a highschool senior (which my little brother will be this year, by the way) , the notions i never went through because i was literally handed VCUarts on a platter, after thinking i would have no future (especially not in art)

it's just going to be very difficult, and a huge challenge to stop looking so much at myself, and my shortcomings and limits, and CONTINUE to look at the unfailing love and hope in Jesus Christ. I want to be the best I can be, but i find myself foolishly being afraid i'll never be the best- which is an idol, and it really is hurting me. As I'm spending time alone out here in Colorado, with my family all day, my thoughts drift to Richmond, and without even trying, just replay all these stupid, embarrassing, mean or weak things i did to/in front of people. i wonder about how stupid/naive people secretly see me as- when the truth is i will probably never see a ton of them ever again!

anyway. everything said, i still want to remember everything God has done in my life and given me an excitement for- and that's glorifying God and trying to reflect his light in the midst of darkness.

all i know right now is to keep trying to achieve my dreams/vision of being an artist, but sometimes i still just don't know. I'm clay in his hands. i really need to listen to him and spend time in the Word, but that has always been so hard for me, because i always have so much doubt that i'm going to hear him loud and clear . i don't have a bible study yet. i'm blessed to have 2-3 friends here , though i seldom see them.

i'm going to try to take the CalArts portfolio prep course, and take an life drawing class in CO that encourages ART MAKING FOR ONCE ///// i need to find the right one though- with a good teacher (afraid of wasting time/ not finding the right one - do you hear how i sound really unfaithful right now blgehh)

buying a desk and setting up a space in my house/room, and trying to just make art and try to enjoy it instead of being so freaking stressed out and hateful of myself all the time when i'm drawing. i want to enjoy art again, and know what it means to be an artist, i want to be fruitfully carefree, meaningful with my words/art and wholesome.

i want inspiration, friends.. hope, and faith, growth. purpose.

my mom pointed out that this year is pivotal for our family, so it is interesting to see what God's purposes are for me staying here in that aspect- possibly the last year of my parents' marriage. (pray for true healing.) thomas is graduating high school.

and i am going into my second year off of college, feeling clueless & fruitless

thank you, friends for your support and prayers, it's sad and this is a turn of events i wasn't expecting but i was telling my friend bekah that when i got back from santa clarita, i almost felt mad about the peace i felt about staying in CO. but i do have peace. i just don't know what to think/ and i feel stuck, scared, confused and very discouraged.
i am, however, determined not to lose focus. this is a very important time i'm going through and i am not going to just wallow forever and feel like crap. i need to move forward, put God first, remember my Ebenezer stones, and persevere through the confusion and trust in him.
i know this! it's just hard, ya know.

it's easy to fail i don't want to be a failure!
i want to love, know, trust and glorify God,
love others,
and not worry!

i haven't really talked to many people about all this so if you have anything to say or any scripture to share, i'd love to hear it. whoisoliver@hotmail.com