why do i look around?

thank you for encouraging me, i know you know who you are. you keep me strong and you give me hope that i'm not crazy for letting go of so much to be more conformed to Jesus' image. because lately i have been stricken with with some things i haven't been stricken with in a long time- fear, loneliness, blame, contempt and self-hate. this week had been a roller coaster and i just want to get off, i feel physically nauseous at all of this. i just am so weak without Him and i am struggling to let him take away all of what i depend on to help me cope with the uncertainty. it's absolutely foolish how much hope i really do put in people, and how hilarious it is that i get proven every time how unreliable we all are, and how unreliable i am, myself. this week i shot through the roof with the most joy i had ever experienced this semester, and 20 minutes later it was crushed and i was back to zero. i've never made such a sharp turn. and i thought it was getting better but i am struggling, and am entertaining and dwelling on thoughts that just hurt me more. i hate, hate, hate self consciousness. i haven't felt this way in over a year and now it's beginning to overwhelm me. i can't let this happen. i need to cling to Jesus and not the people around me. love and be loved by him first, so that i can know more how to love others.....it's hard. i don't feel joy. i don't feel peace. i'm turning to the world to make me wealthy and fulfilled and i am so hungry that i am starving. i am so cold, that i am freezing. i am so sick that i'm dying. i guess i let myself ignore it until this point, but i still don't quite understand it. t's so amazing that the Spirit uncovers time and time again places you didn't even know you were broken. i just want to run away, ya know
i'm sure things will be better soon, but i just don't know how. my young life area director often says that fear comes from when we picture ourselves in the future and we don't see jesus there. and i think that's how i've been. but at the same time i feel jesus so close to me. he's all i feel, he's all i want, but everything is trying to tear me away. i know that satan is going to try to break me, but i have faith that God is going to take me and use me to do something amazing for his sake. i just need to throw all this down. all this petty fear and anger and sorrow and look at how infinitely greater it is to rejoice with all i am that he is risen, and i am loved.

sorry to be emo
thank you for listeningggggngngn