“
The only explanation for the past 7 years of my life, the transformation I have undergone involving the literal deadness of my soul coming into living a life full of love and a hunger for selflessness and compassion, is that Jesus is God, Jesus died with my sin once and for all, and lives again, and he lives in me, and I have been born again, pure and blameless before God, who loves me deeply- not some days, but every day.
I’m excited to share with people that it was downright impossible for a person like me back before I accepted Jesus into my heart to become anything joyful, anything useful, anyone worth love. Jesus paid it all. It was impossible for me to conquer that death that I was born into this world in, but Jesus did it for me, because he loves me.
Crazy, suicidal, sexually broken, hopeless and purposeless, turned into someone who lives to love for the sake of letting other people know the kind of healing Jesus brought me, because I can testify because of this intense personal experience I have had with him- day to day experiences, but also just 7 years of testing and confirming that God’s word is true, and God’s love is real, and God’s love is absolutely unfailing, and he absolutely loves us, and he absolutely paid it all so that we can be in that perfect relationship with him again- that sin is absolutely real, but that God’s love is more than enough to cover my sin, as far as the curse is found in the span of my soul and mind- he is eternal, and he is good. I have so many stories, and not because of my own wisdom or my own discipline, but purely because he has interceded time and time again in all of my difficult decisions, in all of my relationships, even in all of my schoolwork, and in all of the dark nights where I felt alone, dirty, unworthy, isolated and aimless. he has reassured me time and time again that there WILL be trouble in this world, but that he has overcome it all for my sake- that it is not my own doing that makes me right in God’s eyes, and able to come to him with all of my weariness and emptiness, but that God gave this gift of love to me, he gave Jesus as the way back to him, and that it is free and without conditions. all I have to do is believe and receive it,and be transformed by it. he walks with me every day, and i can also testify to the fact that the days when I want to edge God out of my life and choose not to remember that the things he wants for me are for my own good- when I choose to isolate myself and do my own thing without asking him to bless my way and give me peace and wisdom in all i do, those days are horrible and sometimes i just have to shower, and lie in my room and contemplate what my life would be like if I had the guts to do what I wanted so badly to do back before Jesus saved me. I realize that no matter how far I sink now, Jesus is always the solid foundation beneath my feet, and he will not let me drown. he LOVES me and day after day these 7 years he has drilled it into my heart and my mind that the things of this world are fading, fleeting and unsatisfying, but his love will never leave me or forsake me. without him in my life I am incredibly emotionally and psychologically unstable- but I look around me and know that I am absolutely not the only one. I want people to know this amazing saving love that I have been so blessed by such amazing grace to know as intimately as I have…. I never want to convert my friends for the sake of converting them, it is because i love them so deeply and care for them so deeply because God has revealed to me in such a vivid way that we are ALL broken, crushed, dead and hopeless beneath our sin. but just as much as he has shown me the brokenness of this world, he has shown me the power of Jesus in my life- what letting God love me can do to transform EVERYTHING in my life…. school, money, relationships, love, school, work, sleep, and how I spend my free time. his provisions for me align my actions… my actions according to his will align my purpose. all I do, I do out of joy because I love him because he first loved me, and I love my friends because without asking I already know that when it comes down to it, we all have something in common- that we are entirely and eternally broken beyond our own repair. and past that, we have something else in common- that Jesus loves us and died for us because he came down from heaven to dwell among us, and know us deeply, intimately, personally. who would do that for me? who would do that for you? leave the most perfect, beautiful place in all of existence to come to where I am to cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me.
He came to me, came to know me and love me deeply. he took my hands. he took all of the crap in my life, all of the disease in my soul, and took it into the grave with him. he stayed dead for three days. he was without sin- a disease that we are all born with, the wages of which are death. but he took mine and paid my penalty. he conquered death, came alive again, and he lives now- and he is in me. I live because he lives in me and his blood runs in my veins. Life is worth living now just because he lives.
He didn’t just die with our sin, but he told it who was boss. he left it dead in the grave, once and for all, a final and eternal payment to mend an eternal and final separation from God’s love.
I love Jesus and I thank God every day for not forgetting about me, for not leaving me here in my sin to die, even when I know in the big picture of things- I don’t deserve a single thing. but he gave me everything. and he wants to give YOU everything, and you can have it this very second, if you just tell him you want it, and to give it to you, and you believe that Jesus paid it all.
”
Friday, April 22, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
father + daughter
i might delete this. i will keep it up for a while just so hopefully some of you can read this and be encouraged and not just completely broken apart and saddened by this.
for those of you who know me, you know. this made me cry very deeply. like something became more true. something came close but wasn't quite purged. made me tear up in my animation class and could hardly stand it. thankfully i wasn't the only one- my teacher and another girl in the class, too. it was funny because from the sound of it, each of us read it differently and took something very personal from it. my teacher has a horrible relationship with her father, and janice said she has a really good one. for me i am just so blessed to know God as my father and that there has been so much reconciliation between me and my dad so far.... there is still so much to go but i discovered this deep longing for him, for that acceptance and support and foundation in someone and i found that in God who will never let me down... i just want all of the men who are closest to me in my life to know God as their fathers as i have, and to be healed. i just want them to be healed so, so, so badly. it hurts very deeply and is far too common when someone finds himself or herself in the position of loving your parent as if they were your prodigal son... but i just want to encourage you to never stop loving them like that. jesus' love is powerful and pure, is mighty to save and heal the hearts and relationships of who have been torn apart, have been separated by that endless pit of sin.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Luke 15:11-32
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
lastly,
Sunday, April 10, 2011
jesus + blind men
today there was a blind guy in front of me when we were taking communion at our church you break off a piece of the bread, dip it in the wine then eat it and sit down.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.
praise you, thank you.
all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.
praise you, thank you.
all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
figuring out/understanding lent
is wonderful.
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
Sunday, March 20, 2011
answered prayer, lots of them
SO overwhelming this past week- last week, and this week have been incredibly pivotal for my life. so many opportunities, so, SO many answers to prayer. i have the list in my journal in my purse, but seriously at least a total of 13 prayers answered this past week- and some things, prayer requests i have long abandoned and forgotten about, had presented to God years ago.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
uahg
it's getting late and i still have to prepare a whole campaigners lesson... i am so pathetic sometimes.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
artfart
i miss being able to write freely. i think one of my fears has become reality- a slight dependence on caffeine. i don't know if it is psychological or that it really does help me collect my thoughts better but if i sit down somewhere with coffee in the right context i really can collect myself so much better. the only down side to this is that i suck at making good coffee and i often hate coffee if it tastes like poo, which it always does unless it is pumped with sugar and cream and syrup and derp. so i have innocently allowed myself to dabble in 6.5 fl oz double shot lights and such but this might become a problem in the future just because it might be too good for me to the point where i can't function without ittttt. I DON'T WANT THATTTT because in the apocalyptic ages there will be no starbucks!!
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.
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