Monday, April 18, 2011
father + daughter
i might delete this. i will keep it up for a while just so hopefully some of you can read this and be encouraged and not just completely broken apart and saddened by this.
for those of you who know me, you know. this made me cry very deeply. like something became more true. something came close but wasn't quite purged. made me tear up in my animation class and could hardly stand it. thankfully i wasn't the only one- my teacher and another girl in the class, too. it was funny because from the sound of it, each of us read it differently and took something very personal from it. my teacher has a horrible relationship with her father, and janice said she has a really good one. for me i am just so blessed to know God as my father and that there has been so much reconciliation between me and my dad so far.... there is still so much to go but i discovered this deep longing for him, for that acceptance and support and foundation in someone and i found that in God who will never let me down... i just want all of the men who are closest to me in my life to know God as their fathers as i have, and to be healed. i just want them to be healed so, so, so badly. it hurts very deeply and is far too common when someone finds himself or herself in the position of loving your parent as if they were your prodigal son... but i just want to encourage you to never stop loving them like that. jesus' love is powerful and pure, is mighty to save and heal the hearts and relationships of who have been torn apart, have been separated by that endless pit of sin.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Luke 15:11-32
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
lastly,
Sunday, April 10, 2011
jesus + blind men
today there was a blind guy in front of me when we were taking communion at our church you break off a piece of the bread, dip it in the wine then eat it and sit down.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.
praise you, thank you.
all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.
praise you, thank you.
all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
figuring out/understanding lent
is wonderful.
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
Sunday, March 20, 2011
answered prayer, lots of them
SO overwhelming this past week- last week, and this week have been incredibly pivotal for my life. so many opportunities, so, SO many answers to prayer. i have the list in my journal in my purse, but seriously at least a total of 13 prayers answered this past week- and some things, prayer requests i have long abandoned and forgotten about, had presented to God years ago.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
uahg
it's getting late and i still have to prepare a whole campaigners lesson... i am so pathetic sometimes.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
artfart
i miss being able to write freely. i think one of my fears has become reality- a slight dependence on caffeine. i don't know if it is psychological or that it really does help me collect my thoughts better but if i sit down somewhere with coffee in the right context i really can collect myself so much better. the only down side to this is that i suck at making good coffee and i often hate coffee if it tastes like poo, which it always does unless it is pumped with sugar and cream and syrup and derp. so i have innocently allowed myself to dabble in 6.5 fl oz double shot lights and such but this might become a problem in the future just because it might be too good for me to the point where i can't function without ittttt. I DON'T WANT THATTTT because in the apocalyptic ages there will be no starbucks!!
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.
Friday, February 18, 2011
hey
so, i don't really know what to say. i have been having intense up and downs lately and i feel like it's getting harder- not easier to discern how jesus and art are supposed to go hand in hand in my life. it's getting so weird. everything seems so huge and unreachable in every direction- but then on other days it seems like everything is before me, everything is real, possible, assured.
i haven't written in a really long time just because i don't know what to say and i really love to be able to pin down exactly what i'm feeling, struggling with, searching for at any given time of my life but lately i have no idea what my mind is doing. but it has made me distant from God and distant from others- tonight of all nights i should have felt overwhelmed with love and peace, but instead i just felt overwhelmed. small, aimless, empty, confused, numb, detached. and i want to say that because i don't know if my being so gung-ho with my faith is a good thing or a bad thing- most of the time i think it is a very good thing. always persevering, always striving for more, never ceasing. that is good, that is great and i'm so blessed. but i think that there is so much of my heart that i am afraid of. i don't know what my mind is capable of. i don't know how to explain it.
i'm going to try to word my dilemma but i will probably just sound really crazy- which it probably is.
we watched this documentary in my sound class on Arthur Russel and there was a man being interviewed about him who said that most people do not allow themselves to explore or express their full complexity.
i believe that a large part of the art world includes exploiting the human condition- obviously. but as a Christian, i just don't know where that puts me. i don't have anyone to compare myself to to seek guidance, either... obviously my view of the human condition is very different. but i am still a sinner. sin wretches our hearts. sin produces strife, angst, lust, dissatisfaction- because of all these things, some amazing art and music have been created. but i just don't know. if i want to be pruned of the branches that do not produce fruit, this would be out of the question: delving inside my own sinfulness, revelling in it, explointing it, selling it, glorifying it. but i of all people know that i have some sick, disgusting things down in my heart. i know a lot of people would just rejoice in knowing this but it's really no secret- it is just that i have been blessed to know jesus as my savior who has brought me as far from the east is from the west from the sin that condemns me- i am clean. i am blameless before God.
what the hell am i asking myself? i have no idea. what am i making, what is my message, what is my inspiration? i have no idea. conceptualism is KILLING ME because how do i express a concept in the vague way that the art world demands of me when i all i want to do is scream, yell, tear fabric and cry the truth. it's all that matters and it is just so frustrating. it is just so incredibly difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. because i am so UNASHAMED of the gospel that i have taken a full circle - now that i am placed in a position of an artist- an innovative communicator, i now have a nozzle that i have to place on my outpour- and that nozzle disrupts everything. l;akshdialhweroishdlhfalsk;dhf;aoweu9rifhsedofi;bhnsdo;ifugh does that even make any sense? it's liek ugahdffaksl;djfghbsugf but why do i feel like God wants me here, but at the same time it is so backwards??!
so frustrating. feeling so lonely and confused and lost right now because alllll i want is to tell people Jesus loves them and that i want them to know his amazing, amazing love, and this amazing life of freedom i have been blessed with because of him.
i have no idea what i'm saying. my heart is really all over the place and i'm getting so frustrated because i just want someone to be straight with ME. what the hell is wrong with me? i want to be pruned of all the branches that do not produce fruit.
i am afraid of delving into my mind and letting myself explore that complexity because a lot of it - something that i can't really make you understand- is incredibly terrifying because i am afraid to become unstable. i have felt tastes of that this week, and this evening. when i look behind my shoulder on the path that i have walked with jesus, i see all of what he has been leading me away from- irrationality, doubt, dispair, hate (so much hate), self image distortion, distrust, disorder, bipolar sort of reasoning. away from all these things into the groove of myself as a new creation- blameless, free and pure. who i have become just in the past 7 years of being a christian is something that if i stop to pause and really allow myself to fathom, is incredibly unbelievable, but absolutely true. from who i was before Jesus saved me, to who i am just sitting on this computer in the new Hilton hotel at Young Life Committee-Leader weekend, is a miracle and and absolute testament to God's goodness and the validity of his promises. He is SO good and he is SO faithful. i don't have to say like, i'm such a good christian now look at me i did this, this and this. but just the fruits of the spirit- those are true to my heart. and the process of hope through perseverance- that has become true in my heart. peace, Christlike love and compassion, selflessness, order, direction, wisdom granted to me as i ever ask in a pure heart that is given to me by the Holy spirit- all of these things have blossomed in my heart in just 7 years- MOST of which have just exploded in my life since I have been in college.
why would i EVER want to go back if i could help it?
i don't know if any of this made sense but i'm going to post this anyway because i just need to get all of this off my chest because there is no person that i could tell this to. i don't know if i made my dilemma clear. i just pray to lift all of this up to God, because he's really the only one who can change any of it- change any part of my heart. i have to go to bed. i feel really pathetic right now haha but i just pray that you would pray for me if you read this- i want God to use me to impact the world for himself and i know he will do that. i just pray that he would lead me away from temptation and deliver me from evil and be satisfied in proclaiming the Gospel faithfully, lovingly, truthfully in a spirit that is ABSOLUTELY unashamed. i'm sick of who i am, who i was- all i want is Jesus. it's just so easy to be weighed down by all of this crap. consumerism, grades, tough love, health, the cultural norm to always worry about the next day, and the next day, and the next until you inevitably die.
ok askdhf;aksldf this made no sense.
love you all thank you for encouraging me.
Raelyn has been heavily on my heart lately.
please pray for her.
goodnighttt
i haven't written in a really long time just because i don't know what to say and i really love to be able to pin down exactly what i'm feeling, struggling with, searching for at any given time of my life but lately i have no idea what my mind is doing. but it has made me distant from God and distant from others- tonight of all nights i should have felt overwhelmed with love and peace, but instead i just felt overwhelmed. small, aimless, empty, confused, numb, detached. and i want to say that because i don't know if my being so gung-ho with my faith is a good thing or a bad thing- most of the time i think it is a very good thing. always persevering, always striving for more, never ceasing. that is good, that is great and i'm so blessed. but i think that there is so much of my heart that i am afraid of. i don't know what my mind is capable of. i don't know how to explain it.
i'm going to try to word my dilemma but i will probably just sound really crazy- which it probably is.
we watched this documentary in my sound class on Arthur Russel and there was a man being interviewed about him who said that most people do not allow themselves to explore or express their full complexity.
i believe that a large part of the art world includes exploiting the human condition- obviously. but as a Christian, i just don't know where that puts me. i don't have anyone to compare myself to to seek guidance, either... obviously my view of the human condition is very different. but i am still a sinner. sin wretches our hearts. sin produces strife, angst, lust, dissatisfaction- because of all these things, some amazing art and music have been created. but i just don't know. if i want to be pruned of the branches that do not produce fruit, this would be out of the question: delving inside my own sinfulness, revelling in it, explointing it, selling it, glorifying it. but i of all people know that i have some sick, disgusting things down in my heart. i know a lot of people would just rejoice in knowing this but it's really no secret- it is just that i have been blessed to know jesus as my savior who has brought me as far from the east is from the west from the sin that condemns me- i am clean. i am blameless before God.
what the hell am i asking myself? i have no idea. what am i making, what is my message, what is my inspiration? i have no idea. conceptualism is KILLING ME because how do i express a concept in the vague way that the art world demands of me when i all i want to do is scream, yell, tear fabric and cry the truth. it's all that matters and it is just so frustrating. it is just so incredibly difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. because i am so UNASHAMED of the gospel that i have taken a full circle - now that i am placed in a position of an artist- an innovative communicator, i now have a nozzle that i have to place on my outpour- and that nozzle disrupts everything. l;akshdialhweroishdlhfalsk;dhf;aoweu9rifhsedofi;bhnsdo;ifugh does that even make any sense? it's liek ugahdffaksl;djfghbsugf but why do i feel like God wants me here, but at the same time it is so backwards??!
so frustrating. feeling so lonely and confused and lost right now because alllll i want is to tell people Jesus loves them and that i want them to know his amazing, amazing love, and this amazing life of freedom i have been blessed with because of him.
i have no idea what i'm saying. my heart is really all over the place and i'm getting so frustrated because i just want someone to be straight with ME. what the hell is wrong with me? i want to be pruned of all the branches that do not produce fruit.
i am afraid of delving into my mind and letting myself explore that complexity because a lot of it - something that i can't really make you understand- is incredibly terrifying because i am afraid to become unstable. i have felt tastes of that this week, and this evening. when i look behind my shoulder on the path that i have walked with jesus, i see all of what he has been leading me away from- irrationality, doubt, dispair, hate (so much hate), self image distortion, distrust, disorder, bipolar sort of reasoning. away from all these things into the groove of myself as a new creation- blameless, free and pure. who i have become just in the past 7 years of being a christian is something that if i stop to pause and really allow myself to fathom, is incredibly unbelievable, but absolutely true. from who i was before Jesus saved me, to who i am just sitting on this computer in the new Hilton hotel at Young Life Committee-Leader weekend, is a miracle and and absolute testament to God's goodness and the validity of his promises. He is SO good and he is SO faithful. i don't have to say like, i'm such a good christian now look at me i did this, this and this. but just the fruits of the spirit- those are true to my heart. and the process of hope through perseverance- that has become true in my heart. peace, Christlike love and compassion, selflessness, order, direction, wisdom granted to me as i ever ask in a pure heart that is given to me by the Holy spirit- all of these things have blossomed in my heart in just 7 years- MOST of which have just exploded in my life since I have been in college.
why would i EVER want to go back if i could help it?
i don't know if any of this made sense but i'm going to post this anyway because i just need to get all of this off my chest because there is no person that i could tell this to. i don't know if i made my dilemma clear. i just pray to lift all of this up to God, because he's really the only one who can change any of it- change any part of my heart. i have to go to bed. i feel really pathetic right now haha but i just pray that you would pray for me if you read this- i want God to use me to impact the world for himself and i know he will do that. i just pray that he would lead me away from temptation and deliver me from evil and be satisfied in proclaiming the Gospel faithfully, lovingly, truthfully in a spirit that is ABSOLUTELY unashamed. i'm sick of who i am, who i was- all i want is Jesus. it's just so easy to be weighed down by all of this crap. consumerism, grades, tough love, health, the cultural norm to always worry about the next day, and the next day, and the next until you inevitably die.
ok askdhf;aksldf this made no sense.
love you all thank you for encouraging me.
Raelyn has been heavily on my heart lately.
please pray for her.
goodnighttt
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