as much rage as i feel, god has been faithful in my dispair and has been able to settle me down and remind me that we all commit infidelity everyday in our marriage to christ as the church. what right to i have to want to destroy every damn precious thing in her life when God has overflowing, eternal grace on me when i am just as apathetic and preferably ignorant to my own unfaithfulness?
my hatred of men and women is my most difficult, most seductive struggle of infidelity that i have come to indulge in everyday now.
i hate them so much because in this world, i feel so overwhelmed- that they expect me to play along in their disgusting, pathetic, dishonest, hopeless, childish act for the sake of such a fleeting pleasure that ends up destroying whatever is left of us.
it is a difficult thing to let God take my hate and turn it to love for them. I just feel so safe and wise in my hatred, but really i am just digging myself deeper into a less-commonly-induldged sort of foolishness.
but i want to let him transform this part of me. i don't want it anymore cos i can see all it does is make me dwell on what hurts me most. i want the love, the healing, the only truly transforming, loving, wise response to a world like this. I want his spirit in me. I want to love him.
I want to love her.
yeah well, here's a tegan and sara cover derp derp
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