God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor degree and a spouse. desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but i'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him, i have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating, discouraging and identity shaking lesson to learn, i am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because i can't live up to my own expectations- and i know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with.

today

posted today , november 10th

-

out of the things i have either have a great aptitude for or just purely love, 

drawing, writing, exploring, speaking, singing, guitar playing, acting, FILM…

i chose animation as the thing to study. and sometimes i am confused by this path i’ve stumbled upon- and i often have a really heavy longing in my heart to just follow film or just follow…i don’t know. anything else. drawing doesn’t come as easily for me as the other things, but i am good at it and really love seeing how i have grown the past few years and i have learned a lot about myself, how to persevere, how to trust God, and how to be disciplined. it is still a process and i’m thankful for my weird journey this far that has side tracked me several times to learn more and more about myself. whenever things in my life come to a hault- i am initially very discouraged and full of self doubt. but i’ve seen that these situations often turn out to be events that lead to me knowing more about myself, and having more peace and confidence with who i am/what i can do/where i might be in the future.

i chose animation because it is, as i can see this far, the best possible way for me to incorporate all aspects of my creative outlets in one. it has been frustrating because i have so much to learn and i can only teach myself so much on my own. i've gone from being a big/odd fish in a small/differently odd  pond, to being a fish without any pond at all. I desire to learn from peers and mentors. but God hasn’t given that to me yet, and i don’t know if he will. I can’t even see if God wants me to stick with this- I try really hard to learn on my own and try to discipline myself artistically- a lot has come out of this semester, and it’s not over yet. my CalArts deadline is January 4th (i think) and other schools are Dec 1, and later in the spring. I have no idea what is going to happen and I can’t even tell if I am close to being prepared. It is difficult not having likeminded artists and instructors around me to help me out- that’s why i left my old school in the first place!

so. will you please pray for me, to have an overflow of the heart and mind in my art making this 1.5 months, so I can confidently put my best foot forward, and rest in whatever result- rejection or acceptance from any school, that I did everything I possibly could by completely putting my trust in God by being obedient with my time and actions and concepts… i need help and i need a movement in my spirit. i feel trapped a lot of the time. thanks so much for your support and love the past year. will you please ask God to break me and build me up to the best I can be for my portfolio submission. will you please pray for peace and no more doubt/confusion/reluctance.

thankya friends

snapping out of the affirmation blues

posted 2 days ago

God has been faithful to take away the idols in my heart that i’ve been clinging to for inspiration.

also in the past couple weeks it has become crystal clear why i am in colorado and not in California. 

i am finally okay with admitting i’m not ready, i have been seeking affirmation in all the wrong places, and that is why art has never been freeing for me, as an adult. i am not being affirmed by what the spirit of Jesus is doing in my heart- and i have been caughtup in whether I will be made adequate in the eyes of other people- i have discovered with my art that has been my biggest priority. 

i have tried to cleave as much as i can to philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

even though the world has been kind of rotting around me. family life is so extremely heartbreaking lately and i feel helpless to fix anything, because i absolutely know i cannot fix a single thing. all i can is try my best to love. and lately i want to spit in anyone’s face who wants to give me advice on dealing with my family because they don’t understand, and it’s between me, God and my family now and i am becoming increasingly ashamed of asking for outside help because i think i have begun to violate my family’s privacy. it was one thing when i was 3,000 miles away in a different state, but now i live in the same city as them. 

i want to shake off all of my self pity and live life as the free person i truly am, live as though i am not condemned, which i am not. i want to continue to leave all my sin and shortcomings behind, because I love God and i want to live a life of obedience to express my love for him. I am tired of the rotting world, of sex, of cynicism, of compromise, of daydreams, of fantasy, i just so desire for the true restoration of the world right in front of me. i sigh/swoon over the glory to come, and who God is going to have made me/my friends/my family even a year from now. I have no expectations any longer, which at first was the most painful bandaid to rip off, but now I have complete peace being clay in the potter’s hand. And I want to shake off any excess self pity and emotional baggage that doesn’t serve me well any longer. I have peace with not going to CalArts if that’s what it comes down to, even though it might sting. I have peace with not being the best, and I also am coming to peace with being starkly different from the artists around me who i compare myself to constantly. This weekend it felt as though I had snapped out of a spell. Suddenly I realized:

Yes. I am good at art, I am great at life drawing, my ideas are worth talking about and i have a gift with communication.

Yes, a lot of what I feel deep down and need to get out and express are extremely different and unlike what is popular. 

Yes, it’s okay to detest modern art, and I don’t have to become like them.

It’s okay to not have a thousand followers on my art tumblr, and people going gaga over my artwork.

I have a truly teachable heart that needs tobe even less defensive about my ego, but even more approving of my own artwork regardless of whoever else, or if no one else believes in it or likes it.

My desire to be completely affirmed by people around me, or by a school, people i don’t even know and don’t even know me, is a recipe for total emptiness of heart that absolutely needs to be replaced by a powerful overflow of joy and confidence that comes from being totally and completely affirmed by who Jesus has created me to be, and what he is doing in the world. If this doesn’t take place, I will never truly love art making, writing, anything, i will never truly love or respect myself because people’s love is fleeting and conditional. although I should always strive to make my craft absolutely excellent, I should do it for the glory of the one who made me, not for bringing glory to myself for what I have made or learned.

I can’t imagine if I were alone in California having the same struggle I have been having lately, and watching my family trudge through what is going on from a distance. I would have been completely crushed, broken and alone by now. But wow, seriously I am so blessed to have had all of my plans completely backfire in my face- and who cares if I have maybe embarrassed myself in front of peers of mine who might have thought, “I kind of knew it was a pipe dream,” or “i kind of had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen.” I used to care a lot. It was a huge feeling of rejection and failure, wondering if I had come this far because of my own pride or because of God’s providence.

I know that absolutely it was God’s providence. of course my pride drove me as well, but that’s going to probably even be a life long process, but right now he is digging it out of the depths of my heart and showing me how truly harmful it is for me to take approval from men, instead of living out of the approval i already have. it’s insane just because i always thought i knew that lesson. but there are layers of defensiveness in a person’s ego, to defend ourselves against being confronted with our nature of being estranged children of God, alone and enslaved to sin. the key word being: alone. unworthy of love. unable to receive love unless maybe, build something out of our own heads that might hold a feeble candle to the richness we have lost to prove we are worth something- anything. I am blessed to have seen straight through myself into knowing it doesn’t matter how good I am at art- my heart is dissatisfied with myself and no amount of human praise will ever be “enough” to ease that heavy feeling of inadequacy. 

so praise God for revealing to me that I am affirmed in his love and work in my life. I feel that things are already starting to change and I am making art as an overflow of that - things have been more relaxed. I need to be driven still, so if you pray will you please pray for me to fervently pursue artmaking, joyfully, this last month and a half until my portfolio for CalArts is due. I am also applying to other schools. God knows where he wants me, but i want to put my best foot forward for his glory, and to get into the practice of loving God, and loving art because I am free in his love. it is a very, very foreign concept to me- confidence in the Lord, pertaining to my actions. i am absolutely not there yet at all when it comes to art but things are finally moving.

thank you for praying for me if you have prayed. love you friends

oct 19

recent journals i thought i should post here:

i am finally sitting down to map out my deadlines for school applications, and i have had some tea, and my brain feels frazzled, i have bitten my nails so now they are jagged, and now i can’t stop picking at my face with my sharp jagged nails and it hurts a lot but i am stressed also i am losing my hair again (it looks nice longer like it is right now, but i knew this would happen) so i am going to have to start taking rogain again like freshman year!!! idk why i am losing my hair. freshman year i think it was stress related. perhaps it is health related. i just have a very delicate scalp ugh. but really like when i take a shirt off or something, i see like 5 hairs float in front of me that were torn off my head in that gentle touch to my head… and blowdrying my hair is awfffffulll . 

anyway i need to organize my life i have no idea where i am going to be in 6 months. need mercy, clarity, commitment and courage. sigh. helpp.

1 week ago

posting recent journals i should share here:

one of the worst states of heart is when you can hear the screaming sensation of helplessness and worthlessness over the powerful truth of being affirmed, loved and cared for no matter what. all life haults in this state of mind and nothing seems to move forward - even if things are moving, you are too asleep inside to notice. believe that you have a future, hope and love outside of the failures you think define you, even the successes that aren’t so dazzling that define you. i’ve got to stop comparing myself to my peer group and thinking i’m behind. i am more helpless & depraved than i give myself credit for, but in the Lord, it is a precious place to be, because he gives me all i truly need that has nothing to do with social hurdles. i think God pulled me aside to  renovate my heart that has always been just as desperate, but has been seeking out the wrong things to prove my worth. as long as that takes for me to learn, i have to be okay with because I’m never going to be okay with myself until I believe the truth, that I am affirmed, loved and cared for no matter what, regardless of what i deserve. 

about that keeping in touch thing

well! i have been really poor at keeping up this blog and i am really thankful and humbled that people say they've checked in on here to see how i've been doing. i want to apologize for not keepign in touch. i have journaled some on my tumblr, but not here. basically: since my last post on this blog, God has given me an incredible amount of PEACE about not being in california, and being in Colorado with my family. he has made it very, very evident why I should be here in the past months. He has provided in every way for me, socially, financially, academically and spiritually (although it has been a very different season of life compared to the past 3 years). emotionally he has also provided, because the beginning of my time here in colorado I had the worst mood swings, and I felt so inconsistent with my identity that there were days i felt very lost and untrusting of what I was doing with my life. I saw (and still, often see) myself in the midst of all of God's providence, and looking at myself, knowing that I was the weak link. so much that God has given to me, but still I can't take advantage of it to the fullest. I am taking a Westminster Confessions class at my church on wednesday nights, which has been incredible when it comes to laying out the foundations of reformed faith, and exactly why we believe then with scriptural evidence and opposing arguments. i have been learning a lot about things i have never really even wondered about before- and in the beginning of this class, it honestly shook my faith in God when it comes to his sovereignty vs his love. kind of typical struggle i guess for a Christian at some point- but i think it's a good and necessary challenge to think about. i felt estranged from God- things that were once so familiar, seemed very unfamiliar. but i heard someone say once that when you are in a season like that, have hope in the Lord because it just means that when you finally find your way back to familiarity, your knowledge, love and fear of God will be all the more rich. So I really have hope in that, but it has definitely been confusing.
i am going to post a few journals i have written sort of recently that I realized really belonged on this blog and NOT on my tumblr (because hardly any christian friends of mine follow that, but i am on it more often to brood about life haha). Tumblr is a very dark place sometimes and I recommend to those who do not have a tumblr, to not get one for the sake of your heart/mind/spirit, chasing a Philippians 4:8 life.

i can’t say much abot my life these days, because i have just been REALLY confused in many different ways. it feels like i am still attatched to God, but i have really had to let go of everything i called “me” and it’s pretty disorienting. I’m having a lot of theological questions , i don’t doubt that God is who he says he is, he’s perfectly merciful and perfectly just, and Jesus is more than enough to cover our sins. but just some other things. i’ve been worried about my christian friends who have just walked away from the faith. what does it mean for your faith to be “shipwrecked?” are we constantly shipwrecked or is this something else, something dire? 

I don’t know.

anyway, it’s good that i’m writing this in the morning, because I have just been having the worst mood swings lately, and it gets bad at night. I have found myself becoming more timid, less bold when it comes to talking about God, and that’s like- really uncharacteristic of me, i guess, but I have just had to confess that I need time to just be silent and ponderous right now. I have always had to sort out my walk with Jesus by talking about it, but i think lately I think God is just saying, be quiet, do what I tell you- watch, and listen to see what happens. I am faithful. 

anyway, i’m so confused. I have not stopped praying, I pray constantly, ad I don’t think this is a case of being “shipwrecked” at all. My heart, although discouraged, hardly as confident as it used to be, less full than it has been known to be, and it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and get excited about what’s ahead— my heart still wants God, wants Jesus and I know that only he can help me right now. My heart might have a default to disobedience in a lot of cases, and that’s hard to change, hard to shake off. but he really has lifted a huge burden from me that I’m now forgetting was ever there- I came into living here in Colorado, with a completely crushed spirit. my spirit still feels kind of crushed right now, but I’m not going to dwell on it, i just have to keep moving forward. although i can hardly, hardly envision at all where i will be even in the next 4 months, applying to all these art schools- when i am often completely devoid of a desire or passion for making art. but I think God is calling me to persevere on in this. i could be wrong. but i feel like this blockage is truly a heart problem, and a spirit problem. it’s hard to give it all up to him, for him to refine it, because so far, i’ve got nothing on my hands- which is scary and can be very demotivating.

oh well. what i do have is faith that he’s going to get me through this. not really an excited feeling, but i just know. he always comes through for me, literally always, and he always surprises me and melts my heart with affection for him. he loves me, though i feel my self being hesitantly trustful right now. anyway. my mind just psyches me out so much and tries to make me feel hopeless, depraved in spirit, when really i should probably just take a nap, go to the gym or do something productive instead of WORRY.

blah.

that’s all. Praise God for what he’s doign in my life and has already done in my life. the same God who I have been so in love with and so romanced by the past 3 years in richmond, is the same God in colorado, when I am confused, lazy, kinda depressed sometimes- starving  in my heart, but i feel like i’ve lost my appetite for the Word. <—-that’s the worst part of all of this, so if you could please pray for me, that’d be awesooome

update on MOVE

i know i haven't updated in a long time, and i'm sorry! i really hope i can muster the words to say, thoroughly without blabbering
currently trying to take a fb hiatus/tumblr hiatus because i realized it was making my brain seriously rot.

1.) visited santa clarita/L.A./CalArts and felt a very deep sense of love and belonging in the area, which i was not expecting at all (i could hardly picture any bit of this next step happening, could barely daydream about it)

2.) visited CalArts and was also astounded by how much i liked the campus and everything about the school i saw, which i was also not really expecting. went on a tour, and later barely got time of the character animation counselor, who spent time talking with me about my portfolio, and discussed news that all the reasons/opportunities i was planning to move to the area for, basically do not even exist anymore because a certain drawing professor died who was fine with audits, and even hosted life drawings on weekends open to nonstudents and such- and he offered an online portfolio workshop taught by a calarts professor. got very explicit advice, "if it's for connections with the industry, even getting a job- that's fine, but if i were you, i would NOT move to LA if it's just for CalArts."

3.) felt and knew in my heart that God was saying, "No" to this big move that I've been hoping in for so long. i suddenly was facing staying in colorado for a whole year with my family, which i perceived (and still, somewhat perceive) as my biggest nightmare. i felt anger, i thought i was mad at God but after a little while i realized i knew better than to be mad at God, because he obviously knows better than me, and that'd be ridiculous. however, i discovered an intense hate for myself, and frustration at myself. it's been really hard being disconnected from all of my christian friends, and it's been even harder trying to explain to people that God shut this door for now. i feel like i have lost my vision for now. I am having a hard time remembering the passion i had for this move before i left because i'm facing a great deal of doubt in myself - wondering, do i even want to do art? should i do art? have i been lying to myself all this time? along with a great deal of paranoia about my art even being worthwhile. anyway i won't go into much more detail but basically i just cracked open a huge lot of hate for myself that i have been sidestepping, telling God that I honestly don't know what brought me here- was it my pride or faith in you?

4.) God really did bless this trip in incredible ways, such as the timing to the airport- i left my phone in the car, so we missed our flight, after being blessed with the very front parking spot in a couple-acre large extended-stay parking lot (very cool) and southwest let us fly on the later flight for free - which was within their policy, but it was still just a very stressful venture of being reminded the whole trip taht God was in control. my Mom and I prayed before everything, including walking into stores & restaurants, gas stations to buy maps, blah blah.
We also were blessed with a few divine appointments-

first- we visited John MacArthur's church, Grace Community Church, and i awkwardly chatted up a couple in the visitor's lounge, and the husband said he was just visiting for the day, but he typically went to a church called Bel Air Presbyterian, which specifically ministered to the entertainment industry (and the majority of the congregation have jobs in the industry.) that pumped me up because i wasn't expecting to hear that music in my ears, ministry to the entertainment industry.
we visited that church in the evening.

second- my friend David, who wrote one of my letters of recommendation, who works for dreamworks, went to calarts and is also a Christian, so happened to have a Christian, female friend who had a room in her apartment up for rent (which was thrilling to me. all the housing options i had left felt very unsafe/sketchy/were really far away/didn't feel right) . although at this point i was starting to feel that God had already dropped the ball, i guess he wasn't finished blessing our trip in intentional ways. I visited David's friend, Holly, who lived in a neighborhood right beside CalArts. She showed me around and we chatted for some time- she was 10 years older than me when i thought she was only 3 years older than me. even though i shared with her i wasn't positive i was moving to the area any longer, she was just a great breath of fresh air, was encouraging and extended a genuine contact of friendship next time i was in the area. Holly was SO. AWESOME.

third- weirdest one, but my mom and i were in starbucks the last day of our trip, and right as my mom was going to leave me to run an errand, a woman my mom's age sits down two tables away, in tears, and asks mom to please sit with her. The woman poured a sugar packet into her mouth and was drinking some fluid- she was just having a bad bloodsugar crash and was afraid she would faint. mom checked her pulse and sat with her while she collected herself, and they already seemed like they clicked as friends in a span of 10 minutes. anyway, we all got talking and it turned out the woman was a Christian and went to that church, Bel Air Pres- and just had several rooms in her house open up for rent. she had a 15 yo daughter, and two sons who both were in christian colleges in LA. we shared info, and a few hours later, my mom and i found ourselves in the beautiful secluded mountains of northern LA praying to God that this family wouldn't be murderers or anything, because it was such a weird happening that we were where we were. anyway, we visited the house and it was extremely beautiful. I met her daughter and one of her sons. even though it was likely i would not ever live there, it was an extraordinary detour just to make some real friends, especially her son Josh, who offered to help me find friends next time i was in the area. (who, by the way, is the reason why [besides the Almighty God of the Universe having other plans for me this year] i would probably definitely never live there because he was way too cute)(and also he said he dated the niece of one of the creators of phineas and ferb)(who are also christians)(he also offered to introduce me)(cool)

5.) with all of those opportunities at CalArts no longer available, it became evident the cost of me living in California completely outweighed the benefit. though God gave me an extremely good view of the area, and made me fall in love with it, i just guess it's not time yet.

i'm back in colorado, feeling somewhat like i have no idea who i am or what i'm doing or why im doing anything
i want to have a soberminded look at myself. i want to know if i can do this, and i don't want to waste anymore time. i was having a great deal of anxiety this whole trip about how i look very young and no one takes me seriously- mixed with the embarassment that i'm 21 and i still have nothing to show for the past 3 years of school.
honestly, all i really want is to go to CalArts and LEARN things, and be around other artists who inspire me and make me feel small/humble in a healthy way. i'm applying to other colleges, but im going through the same notions as a highschool senior (which my little brother will be this year, by the way) , the notions i never went through because i was literally handed VCUarts on a platter, after thinking i would have no future (especially not in art)

it's just going to be very difficult, and a huge challenge to stop looking so much at myself, and my shortcomings and limits, and CONTINUE to look at the unfailing love and hope in Jesus Christ. I want to be the best I can be, but i find myself foolishly being afraid i'll never be the best- which is an idol, and it really is hurting me. As I'm spending time alone out here in Colorado, with my family all day, my thoughts drift to Richmond, and without even trying, just replay all these stupid, embarrassing, mean or weak things i did to/in front of people. i wonder about how stupid/naive people secretly see me as- when the truth is i will probably never see a ton of them ever again!

anyway. everything said, i still want to remember everything God has done in my life and given me an excitement for- and that's glorifying God and trying to reflect his light in the midst of darkness.

all i know right now is to keep trying to achieve my dreams/vision of being an artist, but sometimes i still just don't know. I'm clay in his hands. i really need to listen to him and spend time in the Word, but that has always been so hard for me, because i always have so much doubt that i'm going to hear him loud and clear . i don't have a bible study yet. i'm blessed to have 2-3 friends here , though i seldom see them.

i'm going to try to take the CalArts portfolio prep course, and take an life drawing class in CO that encourages ART MAKING FOR ONCE ///// i need to find the right one though- with a good teacher (afraid of wasting time/ not finding the right one - do you hear how i sound really unfaithful right now blgehh)

buying a desk and setting up a space in my house/room, and trying to just make art and try to enjoy it instead of being so freaking stressed out and hateful of myself all the time when i'm drawing. i want to enjoy art again, and know what it means to be an artist, i want to be fruitfully carefree, meaningful with my words/art and wholesome.

i want inspiration, friends.. hope, and faith, growth. purpose.

my mom pointed out that this year is pivotal for our family, so it is interesting to see what God's purposes are for me staying here in that aspect- possibly the last year of my parents' marriage. (pray for true healing.) thomas is graduating high school.

and i am going into my second year off of college, feeling clueless & fruitless

thank you, friends for your support and prayers, it's sad and this is a turn of events i wasn't expecting but i was telling my friend bekah that when i got back from santa clarita, i almost felt mad about the peace i felt about staying in CO. but i do have peace. i just don't know what to think/ and i feel stuck, scared, confused and very discouraged.
i am, however, determined not to lose focus. this is a very important time i'm going through and i am not going to just wallow forever and feel like crap. i need to move forward, put God first, remember my Ebenezer stones, and persevere through the confusion and trust in him.
i know this! it's just hard, ya know.

it's easy to fail i don't want to be a failure!
i want to love, know, trust and glorify God,
love others,
and not worry!

i haven't really talked to many people about all this so if you have anything to say or any scripture to share, i'd love to hear it. whoisoliver@hotmail.com

Things are NOT going well with moving to Valencia. money is a problem. car is a problem, and no one is replying to me about these housing options. :( please pray

growing up sucks and i’m stilllll not doing it right

everything you missed and i neglected to post about in all these past months: Also, went to Young Life summer camp with my high schoolers before I left and it was the best week of my life.
I have moved away from Richmond and am currently in my parents' kitchen in Colorado. Yes it was sad to leave, and Colorado is alright, and things are becoming more and more unsure about my plans to move to Valencia- barely moving... but moving, somewhat, I guess, kind of.

(I'm moving to Valencia to audit classes at CalArts or take classes other places in LA with CalArts professors, and reapplying to CalArts character animation. I have no guarantee that I will get in. My friends, family and I have all been praying for a year on where I should move from Richmond and this is where it all has brought me)

Praise God cos i finally sold my washer and drier, allthough it was for way less than i wanted :( but i guess it’s for the right people andddd i hope blablhblah,.

feeling really really really badly about myself lately on pretty much every level of my self esteem.

realized a couple days ago how much i SHOULD NOT live by myself in Valencia, realizing that when i spend too much time away from people my age, I start getting really bad anxiety when put back into social situations. also it helps to be around motivated people, especially students, because i can honestly get pretty lazy and messy and i don’t want to just hide it in the comfort of my own room.

i am NOT an adult :( i have so much to sort out in myself. How am I going to do this portfolio in a semester. I feel extremely discouraged. I know God has my back, but it’s so freaking exhausting not knowing what’s going on, literally ever. I don’t even know when I’m going out to Valencia anymore because of my Dad’s business trip Aug 1-4… I’m so unprepared, now that I realize how I really need to/want to live with people my age, and how truly immature and not ready I am for any of this, yet I’m doing it anyway. I am feeling really alone lately and I hate this wall of such an immature trait in myself when it comes to bible study. I’m SCARED at how unprepared I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, academically for this next year. I am clinging to God because only he can get me through this and give me anything good at all. because if I didn’t have that hope, I’d be making the most idiotic, hopeless, pointless move ever. I hate putting hope in myself because it always starts to feel rotten in my heart, i’m feeling so extremely stupid lately, uneducated, uninformed, uninspired.

just as always I am back to having NO IDEA what i am doing with my life. I am aiming for animation at CalArts because I have nothing else. I am going to apply to other schools, still, but I don’t think I am going to be happy just learning animation and not the whole storytelling crap. I would think about film school but i don’t know. for now i just feel kind of fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, young, unaccomplished, self conscious. I don’t feel like a failure. I just feel very, very, very LOST and confused.

please pray for me, pray that I will FIND ROOMMATES that I can love, and will love me, and that we can bring out the best in each other, somehow, inspire each other- it’s so late in the game but i KNOW God can provide!! HE ALWAYS has been so so so faithful to answer roommate prayers in the past- I am just desperate for answers soon!!

please pray for inspiration, the right drawing class(es) to take, that they’d be affordable, that I would LEARN LIKE NEVER BEFORE!! that it would turn my world upside down and bring out something DEEP in me… that i would truly, truly truly change, and immerse myself in good things, good books and comics and movies and shows, and find what I like and have meaning in everything I do. I don’t want to make vain art.

PLEASE PRAY that I finally overcome this extraordinarily embarrassingly senseless problem I have with reading the bible. That I would find the right church, the right bible study, and that I would have th holy spirit and the teaching to point me to how to have a deep personal relationship with God’s word. PERSONAL** being the key word.

please pray that I find a job that actually pays a lot and provides for all my needs, that can inspire me, that I can learn from, where i can meet people who can be my friends and vice versa, that i can have meaningful relationships with all my coworkers. i have never really had to pray to God for money like THIS before, but i DO NEED MONEY.

please pray that I can get the right car. me and my dad are trying to figure this out now. i think a lot of when i can even get out to Valencia rests on when I can get this car, cos we are driving out there.

PLEASE PLEASE PRAY THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO POUR EVERYTHING INTO THIS PORTFOLIO! I”M SO FREAKING TIRED OF NOT BEING IN SCHOOL AND BEING AIMLESS!!! PRAY FOR DIRECTION, DRIVE AND HOPE!! I pray that I lay down all of my sin and anxiety and not listen to what Satan tells me I am, or can’t be, and listen to what Jesus promises - that i can do all things through him who gives me strength. I also pray that all of this business, fear, doubt, and self-deprecation, would only be a phase, and that I would be on fire for the kingdom of God above all things, and that would be my drive for all of this. that i would not put my hope in myself, a school, a portfolio, car, class, job, or roommate, but only in Jesus.

thanks guys and I will continue to try to keep you guys posted regularly on answers to prayer and stuff. i love you guyss

i just feel like it'd be fantastic to cry. like have a really good cry. i feel so apathetic about everything lately even though so much is on my shoulders and i have so much to do, sort out, pray about, act on. i don't want to do any of it and i have no capacity for anything good, only selfish things, i hope i am resting but i don't feel prepared or focused to go out and do anything. gotta sell all my stuff gotta make a crap ton of money to go to YL camp gotta look for jobs gotta talk to my dad even though family times are in a weird spot, about moving/visiting california gotta find housing gotta figure out when i'm leaving/how to make all the money i need i have $2 in my bank account, i live paycheck to paycheck, and i can't afford frivolous things, i don't know what's going to happen. i know God is going to provide. i just want to cry about it. i want some emotions, sad or happy, anything but the self loathing and overwhelming feeling i am avoiding..i don't know. i just want to be broken so i can be built back up again even stronger and prepared for what's to come, but i'm in a likely-to-be-short season of self-preservation. i don't need to do that though. mostly i just don't know WHERE to start, and i have NO idea where go to for help, my prayer is weak. i have NO IDEA HOW TO GROW UP AND PICK UP AND LEAVE TO ANOTHER STATE when i ahve no money but sure as hell need to get out of richmond. everything is just super annoying and i don't know what to do. i just want to sleep all day. :/

when i'm found in the desert place, when i walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name

wondering what it'd be like to literally pick up and leave all my friends, my family, my job/coworkers, high school friends, my roommates, my church, my school, my room, old art, clothing, worry and comfort behind to find out if what Jesus promises is true, that i can do all things through his strength, that he will always be with me even when all falls away? is it possible that this has been my desert place, and leaving everything i've ever known to follow Jesus, even when it brings me to those seemingly desolate places, is how i'll find the living water i need to bring true growth to my pruned, barren vines?

it's terrifying on my lips to say that i think i'm about to find out in 2 months.

it's like Jesus sweating blood when he realizes God has already forsaken him in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the cup is not passing from him. he has to go through hell to conquer death, come alive again and give all those who were lost a way back into God, into heaven, into life.

i'm already descending into the valley, but You are with me. You're always with me. You are my rock and my stay. You love me and all things will work together for my good. I so desire for my friends and family to be saved, but not just that, but to fall desperately in love with Jesus and see how he is perfect and holy, sufficient in his love to restore this twisted world, and our twisted, desolate hearts. I love Jesus so much. Take the whole world, but give me Jesus. If he's leading me to the desert to find living water, so be it, he will carry me there. He always has, and I am choosing to trust that he always will.

Matthew 10:17-31 speaks to meeeee. I to follow Christ like a child, trusting that my parent will provide when i leave behind all things. in my Father, there is provision and love, and i trust him to give me everything i need.

all of this i believe, and i know is true in my heart, but that doesn't mean i'm not extremely sad, scared and overwhelmed looking into the abyss i see before me.

not driven, just desperate. rejection from CalArts response

i am extremely desperate. for answers, mercy and consolation from something outside myself. :( not a particularly bad place to be because i know things are moving forward, it's just scary finding myself peering into such pure uncertainty. i want to cry because the refiner's fire burns me, but i know i'll come out as something beautiful. but i'm not going to lie. as exciting as it is, there are the moments where it's scary and it hurts. yet, God commands us to not fear, to be strong and courageous. because of his love for us, he doesn't give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. without him i wouldn't be able to leave my house, let alone pick up and move forward in any aspect of my life.
i know myself and by nature i am a miserable failure, full of doubt, dispair, laziness and fear. i would be suffocated and spineless.
but jesus took those things with him to the grave. it is no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me. looking at the fact that i am a somewhat competent artist and adult for my age makes me tremble in awe of how much Christ much have overcome in order to bring me to anything good- so much good.
each hour of the day is different. just a while ago i was going to write something completely different, and much more light hearted and hopeful- today i have been crushed with an onslaught of hope for the future, but the wider the door opens, the more i am gently nudged towards jumping out into an open abyss of possibility. possibility of failure, of debt, of hopelessness, friendlessness, rejection, and time wasted. and yet, at the same time, the possibility of trusting that what God promises me is true, that he is always with me and will never forsake me.
I'm choosing to trust, because I have nothing else. i have nothing left to do but to run as fast as my body can take down the aisle into Jesus' love and trust that through him, i can do all things because of his strenght and not my own. i have enough proof to know i have no strength of my own, and without him i'd just wander into dead places to rot. but He sees me and knows me, knows who I am meant to be and he has dug me out of those dead places and breathed new life into me. he saw me when i was unseen, lost and alone and loved me, so much that he'd die to buy me back into his family, to have the same inheritance as him, eternal life, beginning the second I let him into my heart. I'm living eternal life now.

I have so many feelings surrounding this time of my life and almost all are good. it's just so intense I can barely handle slowing down to contemplate the hopelessness outside of trusting that if God has taken me this far, he will surely take me infinite miles more.


the week preceding my rejection, the song Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken was heavy on my heart.
the first verse especially completely sums up everything I am feeling about all of this.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my All shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.


on top of that, at our Prayer for VCUarts meeting the night before the morning I got my decision email, I finally was honest with myself and with God in front of my friends. I told them I was sick of waiting. Talking about CalArts was like rotting soil in my mouth, i felt i was like spewing garbage. My life has felt as thought i've been on hold for 2 years and I continue to project a wishful, expectant face, when I am growing a spirit of desperate contempt for myself as my patience wore and wore. I was hungry for God's answer. I didn't care what it was anymore, I just wanted his words to me, the final word of direction. I didn't know what to say. I could barely get out the words.
when we were done praying, my friend wrote down a psalm on a panera receipt that he read recently that helped him through a large lot of anxiousness and uncertainty. I went home, didn't open my computer like i usually do, feeling emotionally drained. I opened up Psalm 143, and began to read the very words of my heart in front of me, the words i couldn't say after about a week of dry prayers.

Psalm 143
"Oh Lord, hear my prayer. Listen to my cry for mercy. In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgement, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground, he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead, so my spirit grows faint within me! My heart within me is dismayed! I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, oh Lord, my spirit fails! Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, oh Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your good spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, oh Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."
in the morning, the email was in my inbox. i couldn't breath for like 30 seconds-

"answer me quickly" was the part that felt like the big sigh i had been holding in for a year. and praise God for relieving me the very next morning. Thank you God. it was a sweet, bittersweet hug from my heavenly father. I haven't mentioned this to a lot of people but I had to go to work 30 minutes after I opened the decision email with my mom on the phone. We cried some.
I don't know how to explain it but that morning, in the shower, as I was getting ready, when i went to work, I had this incredible feeling I have only very seldom felt. I felt the most tangible love I have ever felt from God, I think. I felt him hold me as I emotionally collapsed after this marathon my heart has been running all this time. I cried because I felt so loved in the arms of a Father who knows me so deeply and loves me, and has promised to give me everything if I ask in his name. And I was so certain I had asked it all in his name, and this was it, him giving me what I asked.
I didn't ask to get into CalArts, but to be drawn to a place where I would know and love him more. And he has done exactly that, given me the grace to be back at the foot of the cross, desperate for his love that flows freely without end. it felt like putting on fresh new skin. a fresh, new heart.

The whole time I was waiting to hear back from CalArts, I didn't want to boast about tomorrow at all, because I knew the fat possibility of me not getting in, despite so many people, including CalArts folks, assuring me of my adequacy and acceptance to the school. Many people said to me, if you don't get in, it just means God has something better for you.
whenever people would say that, i'd just quietly think, there really isn't anything better than CalArts, that's the thing. I couldn't, and still can't imagine anything better than CalArts after everything I've sought. and yet, i barely let myself admit, maybe that is the point. The rejection that may come would be God saying, the worth of knowing Christ surpasses the worth of anything else in this world. your richest gain you can count as loss, compared to knowing how I love you.

Philippians 3:8
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..



So, the golden vision of going to CalArts and being transformed into a animation superstar, i can basically count as complete garbage in light of knowing Jesus. honestly, none of it matters without Jesus. I do art because God refines me with it, and sanctifies me through the trial and error, and incredibly difficult searching of my own heart- led by his spirit. I want to be more like Jesus. And that is what he has given me. I wouldn't trade it for anything. so PRAISE GOD and i thank him so much for giving me Jesus and hope. he has given me something better, when i couldn't believe it existed. I don't now what it means or what it is, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.



I have been praying and have so far been encouraged to consider applying again, like many CalArts character animation students had to do before getting in. I don't want to be foolish, but if you read all this, will you please pray for me, and ask God to show me clearly what to do, and give me peace and confidence in any decision, and that it would be an act of pursuing HIM, and not a dream that ultimately is complete garbage in comparison to his love.


I am exhausted from writing all this, but I needed to share this with you guys. because it is GOOD news. we are rejected by the world, but ACCEPTED by God, and into heaven. pray that his kingdom come on earth right now, just as it is in heaven. Jesus is the resurrection and the life, and we have him NOW. it's exciting to step out in faith to see what that truly means.
Thanks for loving me and know that all of this, is YOURS too, and it's not by works but by faith in Jesus Christ. your identity is not in your profession or relationships or art. it is in Christ, as God's sons and daughters. remember that and remember that God commands us to rejoice. Grace came in the form of a blameless man dying on a cross- sometimes grace in your life will be hideous and painful, but know that life will come out of it.





i'm done, i love you, good night. Praise Jesus. new chapter.

wanna be as beautiful as ya make me feel

so stupid being quietly unrequited because it's comfortable, wise and safe. but there's nothing else you can do but wait, pray... and rot in your heartsquish.
no i dont love someone in richmond.
pointless love for people i so admire and long to be like, long to be respected by like i burn with respect and admiration and attraction and other good feelings towards.
i miss the days when this attraction spurred about action in my heart instead of this awful crappy feeling where my butt feels eternaly cemented to my bed, my laptop cemented to my lap, my heart cemented to you, and also, the floor, squashed beneath your cooler pair of shoes. i want to be with someone who makes me want to be better and believe that i can be...someone whose respect i desire, and can practically attain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i want to be the kind of person i wish i could find since that is likely to not happen for a long while, which is fine, i really hope i get into cal arts, and if i do i will probably be going through intense changes and i have no idea how different i might become just after a year. i'm kind of scared. i already feel sad sometimes thinking, like sara quin would say, "remember when i was so strange and likeable? nothing like this person, unloveable."
the things i want in a man are like, really pointless for me to list because all of them for me are half hearted. i don't care. i just really desire to be with someone whose personality slams mine with compatibility and our faiths mesh together so well and that we would edify each other and glorify God with our relationship and love others through it and keep each other accountable and blahb lah blah blah blah it doesn't matter because this is going to happen because God loves me and knows my needs. although i'm super in love crush with an unattainable, really wonderful person whom i have prayed for every day for a while now,, it is relaxing having a season wher ei ahve completely let go of the hope of clicking with someone. after meeting this person i was freshened with the realization that this, this is what i should wait for. except more. now everything pales in comparison and it is actually fantastic. i won't fall in love unless it hits me like a train hits a stupid unsuspecting deer caught in its headlights. really stupd post but i'm tired and sad and i long for this person so much but haha its great because unrequited love is great inspiration for art and whatever and i'm not complaining but ugh sigh can't help but want part of this person to belong to me, even though i have never known what that looks like, but whatever dawg
i just love him T_T i want him to be okay and know Jesus

things are already looking up

just thought i would say thankyouuuuuu for listening and praying for me.

this week i have really seen the power of prayer and the power of a likeminded community that seeks Jesus first in fellowship. i'm so thankful for being proved wrong time and again. i am fickle and quick to doubt, meek in my faith but God always parts seas so that he can bring me to safety and reassure me to be still- he is God.

praying for help

trying to read the bible but my mind jumps around and my stomach sinks. there's this thick wall between me and God's word lately, all i'm living off of is what i remember. i feel like i've been running on empty for a while- but God's been really good to me, merciful to me, compassionate towards me though I know that I've been talking his ear off and i feel like i've been talking, screaming, crying my heart out and i'm just so out of breath i can't talk anymore. i just want to be silent and soak him in for days. the world around me just knocks me around inside this enclosed space, my schedule, my location, my gut, my fear and reluctance.

if you read this please pray for me. i'm so easily distracted and i'm ready for some real change, change that smashes me into nothing and molds me into something new, better, more of everything good. you know i really can't be proud of anything i have and my self confidence dips from humble to humiliated to desperately compromising in my head. i just want to be happy, joyful and stop lookin so deep into myself to find all the countlessly broken parts. that's not where i should start, i should start with looking at Jesus and how he is completely whole, and completely mine- that i am his to break, mold, and love. i just WANT it so badly. pray for me that this imaginary wall would stop overwhelming me. i need more than what i have here, i feel directionless among other bad things. i dont' feel far from God at all, i just know that if i love him i should keep his commandments, and i DO love him, i just want to glorify him more and love him more, i have the love and the desire to be changed- i just need to go look for Jesus, and be changed by his words. i just get so overwhelmed and frustrated when i sit down to read the bible, i feel like i have a problem that can only leave me with prayer so.... please pray for me

have a lot to share as far as how this semester has been, i turned 21 which was wonderful, but a huge wake up call as far as feeling like i'm way too immature for my age (trying to not let it overwhelm me. trying to get my life in order) and it's immaturity in a way no one can see, which makes it difficult to talk with people about. i feel really two faced lately. trying to distance myself in a healthy way. need to stop feeling like if i back out of something, the whole world will crumble. afjslkd;fhaoweifldknv,mbhoueuhifbjkduhp89yxhdukjew,mfnjhdsfpyz89duhrkjfdspycuihkjewaf

i know Jesus loves me i just want to be changed to be ready for whatever is ahead, whatever decision comes in march/april... cal arts or not, i'll undergo some immense change. God i need to stop worrying and start trusting and submitting to being molded i am just really displeased with myself but i know the answer ya know
ya know.....