Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12, NLT
"Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
he, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood. "
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
money is a temptation but not at the time being. fame is a temptation but not a goal. if i am becoming conceited, it is not God's desire. i really just want to make art that gives God glory, mostly to draw attention to his work in me- the fact that I should have been dead many times over by now by my own hands, I should be rotting on the streets by my own hands, I should be unlovable, uncared for, have nothing to show for myself except my perversion, my fear, my conceit, my destruction, the pit of selfish desire that brought me to death.
But Jesus sought me when I didn't even know him- he was just a name in a textbook to me, and he dug me out of the grave by his own hands, and breathed life into me again, reminiscent of adam in the garden, but he would have come down from heaven to rescue me if i was the only sheep who had gone astray. he breathed life into me, brought me up from my dead and helpless state and created me new for the purpose i was originally intended for- glory, beauty, perfection in my relationship with God and others. he says you're too good for all of this crap in your life. This isn't who I created you to be, this is your sin that has decieved you and corrupted you.
aren't there a lot of movies that feature an extraordinary circumstance where a scrooge-like main character gets a second chance at life/love/fame/fortune/family? that's me. I feel that my whole life is as if i have been born all over again, and I have a new fresh start- the old me has passed away, the new has come about, and it is all and only because of Jesus' work of love in me.
God drew me to art out of the darkness i was in in high school, giving me hope, a purpose and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11- '
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
and i have seen that in incredible ways- few people now know the kind of person i was in highschool, much less middle school. it might seem stupid to look back so far because we all have our weird days, and I'm no different. I was a weird, creepy, perverse, lonely, confused and isolated kid. and after i became a Christian it was evident that the work happening in me was definitely not my own- all the good things about me were in stark contrast to some habits and personality flaws I clung to (and often still cling to) that ended up hurting a lot of people. I was selfish, very afraid of abandonment, afraid of judgment, judgmental, confused, and sometimes chose to isolate myself. but the good things were things that I go back and see were not my own doing at all. things I didn't realize I had truly done, that I still can't believe I did. pursue people, share my testimony in front of huge crowds of people. Those things I have a hard time remembering because when i look back on high school I remember the embarassing me, the things i want to forget and slough off. The times when i didn't mean to show people my true colors, and got what I deserved. the times people showed me their true colors, and I took advantage of them- held them accountable to things they could never live up to because of my own fear of loss.
i'm going off on a tangent, but basically i want to say that I think that I have become prone to becoming really, really full of myself. but I don't want that, because really nothing good in me is my own. lately i can't discern if I am just really fascinated with what God has done in me, or if I am starting to start investing in my own ego. that's not what i want, all i want out of every single thing i do in my life, would be that people would see all that has been given to me as a gift, but bought at a cost that I could never pay on my own. I cannot buy new life with my fickle attempts at pretending I could ever be good enough for anyone's love, that I could ever be selfless enough to love and live without the rest of me crumbling. a child underestimates how much they depend on their loving parent who provides until they run away. I am young, small, naive, ignorant and gullible in the world of the incomprehendible knowledge of good and evil. I am nothing.
in terms of art- i shouldn't allow myself to attatch myself to the label of my profession, of my school, of my location, of the people i know, people i meet, date, marry. I should be thankful, excited, humble and know it's all a gift that I was created to take joy in, by glorifying God with the amazing things i've been given.
when i start looking at the things i've done, i eventually start to feel really empty because my personality is unsatiable. nothing will ever be enough for me to say, this is good enough, or this is what i wanted. when people encourage me or love me, my first impulse is often to think to myself, "that's not true. you are just saying that." but i think to myself, if i get a lot of people to say that, then I'll believe it. but when more people edify me, it just exposes this greater sea of doubt and the empty feeing of not having enough, and not being good enough. but I'm learning to say, it is enough, Christ enough, thank God for every good work he has done in me, because everything HE does is true, good and beautiful. only by knowing that Christ lives in me day by day can I keep living in joy, confidence and perseverance. there is so much that is at war in my head lately.
but what I'm trying to bunker down to is to refer back to the first two quotes up at the top- about the Ebenezer stone. the roadmarkers of saying, "this is where God has taken me. God was with me during this storm. he has walked with me this far." the times where I have had to step back and say holy crap, God really loves me and will never let me go. when you think back, and hold onto those ebenezer stones in your life path it should encourage you and make you realize even in your heart if it feels like God's not there- HE IS ALWAYS THERE. he is absolutely there and will never not be, and never has not been.
I want my art career to be all about these Ebenezer stones. Not a battle to stack up glory trophies for myself and say, this is how many times I have succeeded and been good enough. but instead, I want to communicate to everyone i know, look at these places in my life where God was more visible than anything else in my life at the time. God is real, and he is good, and he is loving.
Here, i raise my evidence that God was with me- only by his help have i come here.
I am aiming to get into CalArts and I still don't know what is going to happen- i don't want my doubt to crush me, but I might not be good enough this time around, which is okay and i can try again but what i DO know is that going there would be a huge opportunity to glorify God and to become a better communicator of God's love. it's also a huge temptation to be caught up in fame, conceit, envy, bitterness, doubt, greed, fear of failure and selfish ambition. I wanted to state this as my goal- that wherever I go from this year of wandering between schools, between homes, between so many dark areas of uncertainty and brokenness, that God will absolutely be glorified, and not me. I want to love purely, selflessly, and without selfish ambition and i'm going through a season where I am very limited in pouring out into others. but i know God loves me and forgives me for my shortcomings, and is working in my heart everyday to fix the places where I am still so broken and wayward.
i am not perfect and i'l never be perfect on this earth- but Christ is perfect and lives in me. he desires to save the world and not condemn the world, and that is what i desire for everyone i know, for them to know what it's like to be a new creation and see the God of the universe put his hand directly into your life and show you that he is so freaking powerful and incredible and scary and beautiful, but that he loves YOU. it's freedom from sin, freedom from self, freedom from fear, emptiness, doubt, unsatiable desire and pain.
"John 21:25-
Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written."
you are apart of that library. Jesus did all of this.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
haven't written in so long- there is a problem here
i only have about 20 minutes here in starbucks but i just need to write. so much has happened the past few months i haven't included on this blog- basically furiously trying to let God make me adequate for CalArts. trying to deal with having to cut my heart away from the things i usually invest so much in, so freely and selflessly- this semester is very different from any semester of college yet because I am in the process of investing in a new city, new life, new school. Although i know i am accountable to those immediately in front of me (i now work at a cafe, I am taking one figure drawing class, have new roommates i absolutely prayed for God to give me for a reason, and I am still leading young life) I am accountable to who God puts in front of me, but I have had to refrain from chasing people, seeking out relationships to build them, encourage them, tell them they are loved, convince them of life in Jesus by living my own life as though I will live forever in the arms of my heavenly Father, God of the universe who loves me so much he'd die for me. I need to go soon- but maybe it's better that I don't go into all of the shortcomings and doubts and sins I am struggling with, but God has helped me overcome so much more.
basically I am seeking deep conviction, a real reason to shout out to the world that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ. I find myself talking about myself all the time, being afraid to invest time in others for fear of my empire crumbling- my entrance to Cal Arts feels like a feeble bridge made of toothpicks from my end, and that it could collapse at any moment, and I would be left to blame. Tell me how much sense this makes- I am afraid that if I fail, It will be because I didn't abide in the Lord enough. I want to be obedient to him as much as I can be- but obedience for the sake of recieving something that has become an idol in my heart- what use is that if i forfeit my soul, my love and relationship with Jesus? it's insane that I am struggling so hard to meet this goal, that all revolves around proving my own worth. but God has taught be better than that with my whole life- only by his grace have I become worth anything. I have this fruitless obedience with no faith- and faith is what it means to abide in him, and what makes me apart of the vine that produces fruit, that produces life. I really am fighting to see in darkness, as much as i don't want to admit it for fear of realizing my toothpick bridge across this wide open scary sea of uncertainty, is a stupid lie- God is carrying me through it all and he LOVES me, he ADORES ME, and he has a plan for me, plans to PROSPER ME AND TO NOT HARM ME, to give me HOPE, and a FUTURE- who knows what that will look like but I'll tell you that the things in my life pointing to moving to LA and going to Cal Arts are almost scary how blessed things are coming together- I am almost in disbelief. I'm not good enough. I'll never be "good enough." But God is in control, not me, not my teachers, not distance or money, or the people reviewing my portfolio. I need to be obedient, but I also need to seek out the Lord in my life right now, and not be afraid of loving as much as I have become. I don't feel like myself, and the Lord convicted me yesterday, that I am comfortable with myself when there is such an obvious painful rift between me and my roommate, who I once loved so deeply. It's satan, it's a lie, it's not Jesus. Just because I have peace with something doesn't particularly mean it's from God.
I need to go draw someone for homework- but God, i need him so badly, i want him so badly, i MISS HIM so badly. I am afraid of creating this incredible worth of myself based on my work, my appearance, my personality, my humor- i don't want that, it is all nothing, it is absolutely fleeting and it gives me this high that is not out of a relief and joy that God is being glorified. it's not right. My biggest fear is being self sufficient- or thinking I am. I'm not good enough, I'm putting myself before God lately and saying , look at me, I'm good enough- you want me, be jealous of me, miss me, love me, want to be like me..... not Jesus.
basically I am seeking deep conviction, a real reason to shout out to the world that I am absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ. I find myself talking about myself all the time, being afraid to invest time in others for fear of my empire crumbling- my entrance to Cal Arts feels like a feeble bridge made of toothpicks from my end, and that it could collapse at any moment, and I would be left to blame. Tell me how much sense this makes- I am afraid that if I fail, It will be because I didn't abide in the Lord enough. I want to be obedient to him as much as I can be- but obedience for the sake of recieving something that has become an idol in my heart- what use is that if i forfeit my soul, my love and relationship with Jesus? it's insane that I am struggling so hard to meet this goal, that all revolves around proving my own worth. but God has taught be better than that with my whole life- only by his grace have I become worth anything. I have this fruitless obedience with no faith- and faith is what it means to abide in him, and what makes me apart of the vine that produces fruit, that produces life. I really am fighting to see in darkness, as much as i don't want to admit it for fear of realizing my toothpick bridge across this wide open scary sea of uncertainty, is a stupid lie- God is carrying me through it all and he LOVES me, he ADORES ME, and he has a plan for me, plans to PROSPER ME AND TO NOT HARM ME, to give me HOPE, and a FUTURE- who knows what that will look like but I'll tell you that the things in my life pointing to moving to LA and going to Cal Arts are almost scary how blessed things are coming together- I am almost in disbelief. I'm not good enough. I'll never be "good enough." But God is in control, not me, not my teachers, not distance or money, or the people reviewing my portfolio. I need to be obedient, but I also need to seek out the Lord in my life right now, and not be afraid of loving as much as I have become. I don't feel like myself, and the Lord convicted me yesterday, that I am comfortable with myself when there is such an obvious painful rift between me and my roommate, who I once loved so deeply. It's satan, it's a lie, it's not Jesus. Just because I have peace with something doesn't particularly mean it's from God.
I need to go draw someone for homework- but God, i need him so badly, i want him so badly, i MISS HIM so badly. I am afraid of creating this incredible worth of myself based on my work, my appearance, my personality, my humor- i don't want that, it is all nothing, it is absolutely fleeting and it gives me this high that is not out of a relief and joy that God is being glorified. it's not right. My biggest fear is being self sufficient- or thinking I am. I'm not good enough, I'm putting myself before God lately and saying , look at me, I'm good enough- you want me, be jealous of me, miss me, love me, want to be like me..... not Jesus.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
i think the problem here is that i’ve forgotten everything about who i am/who i’ve been/who i’ve been known to be
art wise, faith wise, humor wise, everything-wise.
seems to me that everyone remembers all of the great things about me, except me.
people will remind me of things i said, did, or created and i just feel so strange. i feel so detached from who people say i am- which are all good things. Satan seriously is telling me all of these opposite things. and my heart is going in two directions- believe in deep hopelessness of my sinful self, or believe that all of those things that the people who know me best remind me that i am are true? my sin and imperfections were buried in the ground with Jesus, and it stayed there, dead and buried, and i now live because he lives, and all good things i am are all God’s grace and love for me. but satan is breathing down my neck, lies, every single day, and i feel bogged down by disbelief, worry, timidity and anxiousness- all of which, i know absolutely are not from the Lord.
2 Timothy 1: 6-12
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
i know that this is absolutely the truth. i need to remember to fan into flame the gifts and talents God has given me, and know that i shouldn’t be ashamed of my weaknesses in my suffering. i know that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness… and i’ve seen it so many times before.
i need that power, love, and self discipline. and i feel God absolutely beginning to mold me. only last night when i talked to each of my family members on the phone, did i mentally take a step back from my life and realize, that I do believe God is molding me, shaping me, but at least where i was last night- I was a big, shapeless, lump of mush. that’s okay. that is so, so, so okay because i know God is good, and he loves me, and i’d rather be a lump of mush in his hands and be created into something new and beautiful and pure- powerful, loving and disciplined- even if it’s painful.
this is all because of him, and i’m so glad that God has been taking such great measures to remind me day by day that all I am, and all i will ever be is all because of his love for me, and his deep, merciful purpose. i am NOT alone, fending for myself in such a lonely, cold world, spouting dead, old messages.
i am absolutely convinced that my life that i have entrusted to Jesus is being guarded with the utmost care- a loving father for his daughter, a potter for his greatest masterpiece, a mighty God for his beautiful creation.
that’s who i am, that is my identity. i’m glad that God is chasing me, speaking to me in his own loving words the truth. his words speak so much louder and gentler and stronger than any other voice in this world- more assuring, convincing and loving than all the family, friends and authorities in my life, and more piercingly than Satan who knows my sin like the back of his hand.
Jesus is powerful, mighty to save. he knows all of my sin, my failures, insecurities and all of these things and loves me anyway. so much that he would die for me, to give me the inheritance he has in his perfection. I can’t wait to be with him. To live is Christ- everyday i do feel that i am trying the best i can right now to lay down my life for him and those around me, like he did for me. But God, to die is gain. the most fearsome fate of all mankind, death, will now be so sweet to me because I know where I am headed, and I will be able to be with you. I will be able to be with you, you who loves me and knows my true worth as your daughter.
so, thank you for loving me, convincing me of the truth as the author of my life, and saving me to that i might live- no guilt in life, and no fear in death.
seems to me that everyone remembers all of the great things about me, except me.
people will remind me of things i said, did, or created and i just feel so strange. i feel so detached from who people say i am- which are all good things. Satan seriously is telling me all of these opposite things. and my heart is going in two directions- believe in deep hopelessness of my sinful self, or believe that all of those things that the people who know me best remind me that i am are true? my sin and imperfections were buried in the ground with Jesus, and it stayed there, dead and buried, and i now live because he lives, and all good things i am are all God’s grace and love for me. but satan is breathing down my neck, lies, every single day, and i feel bogged down by disbelief, worry, timidity and anxiousness- all of which, i know absolutely are not from the Lord.
2 Timothy 1: 6-12
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. 8 So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 11 And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. 12 That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.
i know that this is absolutely the truth. i need to remember to fan into flame the gifts and talents God has given me, and know that i shouldn’t be ashamed of my weaknesses in my suffering. i know that God’s power is made perfect in my weakness… and i’ve seen it so many times before.
i need that power, love, and self discipline. and i feel God absolutely beginning to mold me. only last night when i talked to each of my family members on the phone, did i mentally take a step back from my life and realize, that I do believe God is molding me, shaping me, but at least where i was last night- I was a big, shapeless, lump of mush. that’s okay. that is so, so, so okay because i know God is good, and he loves me, and i’d rather be a lump of mush in his hands and be created into something new and beautiful and pure- powerful, loving and disciplined- even if it’s painful.
this is all because of him, and i’m so glad that God has been taking such great measures to remind me day by day that all I am, and all i will ever be is all because of his love for me, and his deep, merciful purpose. i am NOT alone, fending for myself in such a lonely, cold world, spouting dead, old messages.
i am absolutely convinced that my life that i have entrusted to Jesus is being guarded with the utmost care- a loving father for his daughter, a potter for his greatest masterpiece, a mighty God for his beautiful creation.
that’s who i am, that is my identity. i’m glad that God is chasing me, speaking to me in his own loving words the truth. his words speak so much louder and gentler and stronger than any other voice in this world- more assuring, convincing and loving than all the family, friends and authorities in my life, and more piercingly than Satan who knows my sin like the back of his hand.
Jesus is powerful, mighty to save. he knows all of my sin, my failures, insecurities and all of these things and loves me anyway. so much that he would die for me, to give me the inheritance he has in his perfection. I can’t wait to be with him. To live is Christ- everyday i do feel that i am trying the best i can right now to lay down my life for him and those around me, like he did for me. But God, to die is gain. the most fearsome fate of all mankind, death, will now be so sweet to me because I know where I am headed, and I will be able to be with you. I will be able to be with you, you who loves me and knows my true worth as your daughter.
so, thank you for loving me, convincing me of the truth as the author of my life, and saving me to that i might live- no guilt in life, and no fear in death.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Last night
i don’t relaly want to go into detail about what happened to me last night because it ruined my night and my morning and i felt so, so dirty and disgusting and didn’t know how to properly convey my feelings while alone in my room except to read psalms until i fell asleep,
but the fact that i don’t want to taint my sweet little free time with something so heavy, is really despicable to me, last night made me confused and convicted, and i need to talk about it. every once in a while satan and the fact that sin when full grown is death, becomes very real and very scary to me. but i’m just so thankful that I have jesus in my heart. a few days ago while i was driving i let myself think about my goals, my schedule, my course of events for the day. the car i was sitting in, the clothes i was wearing, the contents of my backpack, the people i was going to meet. everything in my life is an overflow of knowing God loves me and has a plan for me and will provide for me according to his mercy and not my comfort- his mercy means the ways he pushes me to know him more. even in the awful times of life i have to be able to see that in those situations God is able, more than able to conform me more and more to his image, and that is all that really matters in life. my week at young life camp was hard. since i’ve been back God has broken me, and I’ve had to go back to the root of my identity- I’m God’s daughter. I was dead in my sin, surviving day by day in a rotting, dying world, but I was bought with a price and given the inheritance of eternal life in Jesus because he loves me, and to him, I am worth it- he knows my identity, as his daughter- even though I’m still trying to figure out what that means in the long haul. year after year i understand it more, but while i was at a stop light the other day, i gripped the steering wheel suddenly as I let myself wonder what life would be like if I know i was dead in my sin, and I didn’t have Jesus. I surely wouldn’t have gotten out of bed that morning. I don’t know what I would have done back before I was a Christian, if i continued on that path. I honestly don’t think I would be here, as in, alive, and definitely not in college, with the sanity, confidence and love that I have now.
if I’m not God’s daughter, who am I? I have no identity. I’m dead as far as the universe is concerned. and all of my actions would be dust turned back to dust. but instead I know that God created me for a purpose- to glorify him, to know his love intimately and to love others with that love and have them know Jesus as their savior, so everyone can come back into God’s family and live with him forever. and in that purpose I am absolutely satisfied without question.
I’m the kind of person who, if I lose my sense of direction, I panic and all seems lost and I am habilitated by fear and often can’t bring myself to trek on, convinced of failure and disappointment. If I didn’t have that simple thing in my life- assurance of direction, purpose, identity and acceptance- not just that i’m merely accepted but loved so much that my King would die for me? All of those things are things that people wander through life always desiring and never finding in a way that is permanent. not just permanent- but direction, purpose, identity and acceptance that loves them back. i don’t deserve that in my sin. but God loves me and has given me his inheritance of eternal life, he’s giving that to me as his pure and blameless daughter. because of Jesus, that is mine, because of Jesus, I am apart of that “royal priesthood,” holy nation, chosen people, a person that God took for his own possession, i belong with him- and because of that my life is all about telling the world what I have because of his grace, and that they can have it too. 1 Peter 2:9.
i went to the ampitheater to watch a production of hairspray with a few friends i haven’t seen in a while. they were biking home but i have been borrowing my friend’s car this month so they said they’d call me when they got to their house. i went to 7/11 to buy water because the water in our house is nasty. i bought two big bottles for $2. I have very little money lately because of stupid bank problems so i’m living on like 50$ my friend lent me til funds transfer from my parents. i got in my car again and went to leave the parking lot, then i see this small older homeless looking woman sitting on the curb, grasping her one side of her ribs tightly with one hand, rocking back and forth, sobbing. richmond i know is a scary and dangerous place on a friday night. i became worried and frantically prayed out loud for this lady that she’d be okay. then i thought this was an okay time to be the answer to prayer and attach myself to the situation. i want to preface the rest of this story by saying that i don’t want to say all this because i’m this great good samaritan selfless person and that i do this regularly, though i have done stuff like this more than once. it’s not out of my own courage or righteousness it’s purely because God puts things heavy on my conscience and i have, by his grace, gotten into the habit of submitting to his guidance in situations like this. i don’t advise anyone to really chat up random homeless people by yourself at night, but if you feel strongly that God is calling you at a certain time, pray to him to protect you and have mercy on you, and go for it.
I put my hazards on and got out of the car, went to ask her if she was alright. she told me her boyfriend tried to put her lights out. she told me if she says one wrong word he beats her and curses at her. this time he tried to strangle her, all while he was drunk- she said they had been together for 10 years, she loves him and can’t leave him, but alcohol makes him a different person. he was homeless- she has a place, but he lives with her. blahblablah. awful stuff. i mean typically many homeless people, especially homeless women have awful stories like this- but for me, the fact that it is commonplace doesn’t make it any less horrifying. i went back and parked my car, and went back to sit with her. we talked some more. she hadn’t eaten all day so i went and bought her a sandwich and juice. she smelled like alcohol but i don’t think she was drunk, or very drunk if she was. she was 53, tiny, named Robin, she says everyone has given her the nickname “lil mama” and she can’t get away from it, but i could tell she liked it and was proud of it. she was so, so sweet and humble and would censor the curse words when she quoted what her boyfriend would call her. Bitch, retarded, worthless, good for nothing. I told her that she’s none of those things, that she has worth and that she’s good for something and she looked like she was going to cry again. how long was it since someone else besides herself confidently told her she wasn’t worthless?
another woman came up to us, walked past us. she looked in her early thirties, black, wearing capri pants and a red shirt. her period blood had soaked through the seat of her pants. she came up to us and softly asked if either of us had cold water. i went and got one of the two big bottles that i had bought for myself, gave it to her. we all talked, and she seemed very disoriented, quiet, solemn. later on i asked her if she was feeling okay and she said she was on her period, her tampon slipped out andshe didnt have any more. i cringed thinking she must have had it in for more than 8 hours, which is one of my bigger fears. i told her i could go get her pads and tampons if she wanted. she said yes, and if i had a pair of underwear, that would be great too. she didn’t seem like the warmest person in the world, so this wasnt like the warmest sweetest gushiest exchange of love ever- it was merely an acknowledgement of yes, i need tampons. yes, if you have them, give them to me. she didn’t thank me, but i was kind of glad she didn’t. it was just one woman looking out for another woman- it should be nature, not a favor.
i got in my car, went home, chatted with my new roommate briefly before getting pads and tampons for the woman, and went out to get back in my friends car. the key got completely jammed in the lock, and i had one of the most vocal prayers i’ve had in a long time- i knew God was walking with me and had a purpose for me. no one was around and it was about 12:30 midnight. I kept trying to shove the key, pull the key, twist the key, cram the key, to the point where i was convinced it would break. i leaned against the car, exhausted and simmering, trying not to scream- it was a struggle between knowing that God’s timing is above my own schedule and worry, and being desperately worried that the ladies thought i had abandoned them. i said that out loud to God, and then said, but please, please, unlock this door, don’t let me get mad, don’t let me sin right now, help me trust you, don’t let me lose my temper, bless those women, help me get to them, send help, don’t let me get mad, i’m sorry, bUT PLEASE UNLOCK THIS DOOR!!! i was all alone but must have looked crazy, yelling at my car at this point. FINALLY, as if there were no problem at all, the key turned and slipped out, i gasped and immediately began my thankyouthankyouthankyous and got in the car and sped to the 7/11 where the women had disappeared. I didn’t lose my cool, because keys don’t just get jammed in the car door for the longest 7 minutes of my life when i’m frantically trying to get tampons to a homeless lady. God had a plan, even if i wasn’t there to see it. i parked at walked all the way around the sketchy 7/11, calling Robin’s name. at one point some obnoxious smart alec college kid called out his car window, “Robin’s not here,” and his friends tittered. I didn’t have the motivation to get pissed because they don’t know who Robin is or what was going through my heart at that point, or why I even cared about her so much in the past hour. On my way over from my house to the 7/11, i found myself praying that they would “somehow be able to get on their feet again, have a house, have a job, blahblabblah” but a sharp piece of scripture came to mind and stabbed me a little bit. Matthew 19:24- Jesus said “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
was i praying for them to be plagued by the ways Satan clouds my vision of God, in my comfort? the Son of Man didn’t have a place to lay his head. All his friends abandoned him the day he died. God’s mercy and love was enough for him, and Jesus was so crushed by his desire to save his friends, that he took all of their imperfections and eternal debt, and buried it in the ground for him when he died- and when he conquered death, came back to life, his friends got to see themselves resurrected that day too, face to face, living proof that they were absolutely free from the chains of sin. Jesus wasn’t weak. He had little to nothing, but his love and drive to bless and exalt God and his friends- the entire world(including you and me), his willingness to be the servant of all servants (Philippians 2- Christ’s humility), was what kept him going everyday- made all of the suffering, homelessness, nomadic and misunderstood life all worth it.
I realized the irony in praying for them to be covered with the same glazed eyes as I have had my eyes veiled by on and off my whole life- the smoke of comfort and the illusion that we are in peacetime, when as Christians, our identity includes being hated by the world corrupted by sin, the kingdom ruled by Satan.
I then instead prayed for God’s mercy, not according to my understanding. Whatever it takes to bring me close to him, to bring them close to him. That can look a number of different ways- Solomon, richest man in the world- possibly at times, one of the most miserable. Or Job- possibly the most miserable man in the bible. Most known for his longsuffering. Whatever the case, God’s purpose is compassion and mercy, and we don’t know what that looks like, because we’re not God.
After a while, I gave up. Decided to go home, and I was okay with that, i did what i could. i drove up the block, and immediately spotted the black woman i met sitting on the curb.i put my hazards on again, jumped out and gave her the bag of tampons, pads, and lightly used pair of underwear. she seemed confused saying, “how did you find me” but I just gave her the stuff, asked her her name, Jen, told her it was nice meeting her, and gave her a quick hug. As this was happening, A 60-something short, white-haired white man sat about 6 feet away from jen on the curb. I said bye, got in my car, but took my time buckling up, eyeing the man. he was obviously not homeless, with a pressed short sleeve button up shirt and kaki shorts. they both looked shifty. it was 1am. I rolled down the window and said, Sir, do you need something, a few times and he didn’t respond. finally, Jen came up and told me “oh i’m fine, i dont need anything, my period will probably be over tomorrow.” and i pointed at the man and said, what about him? she said, i don’t know, he’s fine, and walked away to sit on the curb again. I watched as the man went through his wallet. One-dollar bills. I felt a sick lurch in my stomach. I yelled louder, “Sir, are you bothering her?” and he finally looked at me, with an indignant expression, and I repeated myself, and he said, no, but it bothers me that you think i’m bothering her! am i bothering you? he said to Jen, and she shook her head and said no. he said again, but it bothers me that you think i’m bothering her! even more angry. I said, “I’m just looking out for her. please make good decisions tonight,” and finally drove away.
Once again i really hope this doesn’t sound like me painting myself as this great person because i just somehow got caught up int he middle of all of this and it was extremely sickening and God just put this deep ache for Jen and Robin in my heart. My phone had died, and when I got home i plugged it in and called 9-1-1 and reported that a suspected a man attempting to coerce a woman i had met that night into prostitution. i don’t know if that is somethign she did regularly, although it woudl make sense, how else would she make money? I felt nauseous. All Robin and Jen said they wanted was “some place to crash” that night. I couldn’t give them that, and i didn’t have guilt over that cos i did what i could do. I just prayed that it would somehow be okay for Jen, Robin and the man with the one dollar bills.
this is what i couldn’t stop thinking about
Robin was told she was worthless. That man was trying to buy Jen’s body with a few dollar bills.
We have worth. More than a handful of cash. To God, who created us, we are worth so much that he would his one and only holy Son, whose blood was shed in our place. Jesus was crucified, he paid the ultimate price, gave everything so that we would come back to him. He wants us back so, so badly, and he hurts for us so, so deeply. Last night i saw that perhaps God was the only person who truly saw and loved Jen and Robin, and he put me there to see that I was once lost and he chased after me and bought me back from sin, death, who owned me. He walks with me day to day, he holds me, tells me he loves me, he can’t wait to be with me in heaven where the church, the bride of Christ will be made perfect again. he pursues me even when i stray from him again. he’s so good to me, teaches me about life as it is meant to be, and suffers when I choose my old love, my sin over him time and again- but he will never, ever leave me or forsake me. He loves me, and he loves Jen and Robin and he loves you, and he wants you to come back to him. Choose his love that gives life, leave your sin in the ground where it was buried. Makes me examine my own sin, my own sexual sin, my own waywardness, the things i kept hidden, the sin i inflict on my own body.
It has been a while since I have been able to go back to the basics- God loves me. He died for me. I’m his now, and always will be. God is love, and he will be in my heart forever.
1 Corinthians 6:12-20
12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”[b] 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.[c]
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
but the fact that i don’t want to taint my sweet little free time with something so heavy, is really despicable to me, last night made me confused and convicted, and i need to talk about it. every once in a while satan and the fact that sin when full grown is death, becomes very real and very scary to me. but i’m just so thankful that I have jesus in my heart. a few days ago while i was driving i let myself think about my goals, my schedule, my course of events for the day. the car i was sitting in, the clothes i was wearing, the contents of my backpack, the people i was going to meet. everything in my life is an overflow of knowing God loves me and has a plan for me and will provide for me according to his mercy and not my comfort- his mercy means the ways he pushes me to know him more. even in the awful times of life i have to be able to see that in those situations God is able, more than able to conform me more and more to his image, and that is all that really matters in life. my week at young life camp was hard. since i’ve been back God has broken me, and I’ve had to go back to the root of my identity- I’m God’s daughter. I was dead in my sin, surviving day by day in a rotting, dying world, but I was bought with a price and given the inheritance of eternal life in Jesus because he loves me, and to him, I am worth it- he knows my identity, as his daughter- even though I’m still trying to figure out what that means in the long haul. year after year i understand it more, but while i was at a stop light the other day, i gripped the steering wheel suddenly as I let myself wonder what life would be like if I know i was dead in my sin, and I didn’t have Jesus. I surely wouldn’t have gotten out of bed that morning. I don’t know what I would have done back before I was a Christian, if i continued on that path. I honestly don’t think I would be here, as in, alive, and definitely not in college, with the sanity, confidence and love that I have now.
if I’m not God’s daughter, who am I? I have no identity. I’m dead as far as the universe is concerned. and all of my actions would be dust turned back to dust. but instead I know that God created me for a purpose- to glorify him, to know his love intimately and to love others with that love and have them know Jesus as their savior, so everyone can come back into God’s family and live with him forever. and in that purpose I am absolutely satisfied without question.
I’m the kind of person who, if I lose my sense of direction, I panic and all seems lost and I am habilitated by fear and often can’t bring myself to trek on, convinced of failure and disappointment. If I didn’t have that simple thing in my life- assurance of direction, purpose, identity and acceptance- not just that i’m merely accepted but loved so much that my King would die for me? All of those things are things that people wander through life always desiring and never finding in a way that is permanent. not just permanent- but direction, purpose, identity and acceptance that loves them back. i don’t deserve that in my sin. but God loves me and has given me his inheritance of eternal life, he’s giving that to me as his pure and blameless daughter. because of Jesus, that is mine, because of Jesus, I am apart of that “royal priesthood,” holy nation, chosen people, a person that God took for his own possession, i belong with him- and because of that my life is all about telling the world what I have because of his grace, and that they can have it too. 1 Peter 2:9.
i went to the ampitheater to watch a production of hairspray with a few friends i haven’t seen in a while. they were biking home but i have been borrowing my friend’s car this month so they said they’d call me when they got to their house. i went to 7/11 to buy water because the water in our house is nasty. i bought two big bottles for $2. I have very little money lately because of stupid bank problems so i’m living on like 50$ my friend lent me til funds transfer from my parents. i got in my car again and went to leave the parking lot, then i see this small older homeless looking woman sitting on the curb, grasping her one side of her ribs tightly with one hand, rocking back and forth, sobbing. richmond i know is a scary and dangerous place on a friday night. i became worried and frantically prayed out loud for this lady that she’d be okay. then i thought this was an okay time to be the answer to prayer and attach myself to the situation. i want to preface the rest of this story by saying that i don’t want to say all this because i’m this great good samaritan selfless person and that i do this regularly, though i have done stuff like this more than once. it’s not out of my own courage or righteousness it’s purely because God puts things heavy on my conscience and i have, by his grace, gotten into the habit of submitting to his guidance in situations like this. i don’t advise anyone to really chat up random homeless people by yourself at night, but if you feel strongly that God is calling you at a certain time, pray to him to protect you and have mercy on you, and go for it.
I put my hazards on and got out of the car, went to ask her if she was alright. she told me her boyfriend tried to put her lights out. she told me if she says one wrong word he beats her and curses at her. this time he tried to strangle her, all while he was drunk- she said they had been together for 10 years, she loves him and can’t leave him, but alcohol makes him a different person. he was homeless- she has a place, but he lives with her. blahblablah. awful stuff. i mean typically many homeless people, especially homeless women have awful stories like this- but for me, the fact that it is commonplace doesn’t make it any less horrifying. i went back and parked my car, and went back to sit with her. we talked some more. she hadn’t eaten all day so i went and bought her a sandwich and juice. she smelled like alcohol but i don’t think she was drunk, or very drunk if she was. she was 53, tiny, named Robin, she says everyone has given her the nickname “lil mama” and she can’t get away from it, but i could tell she liked it and was proud of it. she was so, so sweet and humble and would censor the curse words when she quoted what her boyfriend would call her. Bitch, retarded, worthless, good for nothing. I told her that she’s none of those things, that she has worth and that she’s good for something and she looked like she was going to cry again. how long was it since someone else besides herself confidently told her she wasn’t worthless?
another woman came up to us, walked past us. she looked in her early thirties, black, wearing capri pants and a red shirt. her period blood had soaked through the seat of her pants. she came up to us and softly asked if either of us had cold water. i went and got one of the two big bottles that i had bought for myself, gave it to her. we all talked, and she seemed very disoriented, quiet, solemn. later on i asked her if she was feeling okay and she said she was on her period, her tampon slipped out andshe didnt have any more. i cringed thinking she must have had it in for more than 8 hours, which is one of my bigger fears. i told her i could go get her pads and tampons if she wanted. she said yes, and if i had a pair of underwear, that would be great too. she didn’t seem like the warmest person in the world, so this wasnt like the warmest sweetest gushiest exchange of love ever- it was merely an acknowledgement of yes, i need tampons. yes, if you have them, give them to me. she didn’t thank me, but i was kind of glad she didn’t. it was just one woman looking out for another woman- it should be nature, not a favor.
i got in my car, went home, chatted with my new roommate briefly before getting pads and tampons for the woman, and went out to get back in my friends car. the key got completely jammed in the lock, and i had one of the most vocal prayers i’ve had in a long time- i knew God was walking with me and had a purpose for me. no one was around and it was about 12:30 midnight. I kept trying to shove the key, pull the key, twist the key, cram the key, to the point where i was convinced it would break. i leaned against the car, exhausted and simmering, trying not to scream- it was a struggle between knowing that God’s timing is above my own schedule and worry, and being desperately worried that the ladies thought i had abandoned them. i said that out loud to God, and then said, but please, please, unlock this door, don’t let me get mad, don’t let me sin right now, help me trust you, don’t let me lose my temper, bless those women, help me get to them, send help, don’t let me get mad, i’m sorry, bUT PLEASE UNLOCK THIS DOOR!!! i was all alone but must have looked crazy, yelling at my car at this point. FINALLY, as if there were no problem at all, the key turned and slipped out, i gasped and immediately began my thankyouthankyouthankyous and got in the car and sped to the 7/11 where the women had disappeared. I didn’t lose my cool, because keys don’t just get jammed in the car door for the longest 7 minutes of my life when i’m frantically trying to get tampons to a homeless lady. God had a plan, even if i wasn’t there to see it. i parked at walked all the way around the sketchy 7/11, calling Robin’s name. at one point some obnoxious smart alec college kid called out his car window, “Robin’s not here,” and his friends tittered. I didn’t have the motivation to get pissed because they don’t know who Robin is or what was going through my heart at that point, or why I even cared about her so much in the past hour. On my way over from my house to the 7/11, i found myself praying that they would “somehow be able to get on their feet again, have a house, have a job, blahblabblah” but a sharp piece of scripture came to mind and stabbed me a little bit. Matthew 19:24- Jesus said “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
was i praying for them to be plagued by the ways Satan clouds my vision of God, in my comfort? the Son of Man didn’t have a place to lay his head. All his friends abandoned him the day he died. God’s mercy and love was enough for him, and Jesus was so crushed by his desire to save his friends, that he took all of their imperfections and eternal debt, and buried it in the ground for him when he died- and when he conquered death, came back to life, his friends got to see themselves resurrected that day too, face to face, living proof that they were absolutely free from the chains of sin. Jesus wasn’t weak. He had little to nothing, but his love and drive to bless and exalt God and his friends- the entire world(including you and me), his willingness to be the servant of all servants (Philippians 2- Christ’s humility), was what kept him going everyday- made all of the suffering, homelessness, nomadic and misunderstood life all worth it.
I realized the irony in praying for them to be covered with the same glazed eyes as I have had my eyes veiled by on and off my whole life- the smoke of comfort and the illusion that we are in peacetime, when as Christians, our identity includes being hated by the world corrupted by sin, the kingdom ruled by Satan.
I then instead prayed for God’s mercy, not according to my understanding. Whatever it takes to bring me close to him, to bring them close to him. That can look a number of different ways- Solomon, richest man in the world- possibly at times, one of the most miserable. Or Job- possibly the most miserable man in the bible. Most known for his longsuffering. Whatever the case, God’s purpose is compassion and mercy, and we don’t know what that looks like, because we’re not God.
After a while, I gave up. Decided to go home, and I was okay with that, i did what i could. i drove up the block, and immediately spotted the black woman i met sitting on the curb.i put my hazards on again, jumped out and gave her the bag of tampons, pads, and lightly used pair of underwear. she seemed confused saying, “how did you find me” but I just gave her the stuff, asked her her name, Jen, told her it was nice meeting her, and gave her a quick hug. As this was happening, A 60-something short, white-haired white man sat about 6 feet away from jen on the curb. I said bye, got in my car, but took my time buckling up, eyeing the man. he was obviously not homeless, with a pressed short sleeve button up shirt and kaki shorts. they both looked shifty. it was 1am. I rolled down the window and said, Sir, do you need something, a few times and he didn’t respond. finally, Jen came up and told me “oh i’m fine, i dont need anything, my period will probably be over tomorrow.” and i pointed at the man and said, what about him? she said, i don’t know, he’s fine, and walked away to sit on the curb again. I watched as the man went through his wallet. One-dollar bills. I felt a sick lurch in my stomach. I yelled louder, “Sir, are you bothering her?” and he finally looked at me, with an indignant expression, and I repeated myself, and he said, no, but it bothers me that you think i’m bothering her! am i bothering you? he said to Jen, and she shook her head and said no. he said again, but it bothers me that you think i’m bothering her! even more angry. I said, “I’m just looking out for her. please make good decisions tonight,” and finally drove away.
Once again i really hope this doesn’t sound like me painting myself as this great person because i just somehow got caught up int he middle of all of this and it was extremely sickening and God just put this deep ache for Jen and Robin in my heart. My phone had died, and when I got home i plugged it in and called 9-1-1 and reported that a suspected a man attempting to coerce a woman i had met that night into prostitution. i don’t know if that is somethign she did regularly, although it woudl make sense, how else would she make money? I felt nauseous. All Robin and Jen said they wanted was “some place to crash” that night. I couldn’t give them that, and i didn’t have guilt over that cos i did what i could do. I just prayed that it would somehow be okay for Jen, Robin and the man with the one dollar bills.
this is what i couldn’t stop thinking about
Robin was told she was worthless. That man was trying to buy Jen’s body with a few dollar bills.
We have worth. More than a handful of cash. To God, who created us, we are worth so much that he would his one and only holy Son, whose blood was shed in our place. Jesus was crucified, he paid the ultimate price, gave everything so that we would come back to him. He wants us back so, so badly, and he hurts for us so, so deeply. Last night i saw that perhaps God was the only person who truly saw and loved Jen and Robin, and he put me there to see that I was once lost and he chased after me and bought me back from sin, death, who owned me. He walks with me day to day, he holds me, tells me he loves me, he can’t wait to be with me in heaven where the church, the bride of Christ will be made perfect again. he pursues me even when i stray from him again. he’s so good to me, teaches me about life as it is meant to be, and suffers when I choose my old love, my sin over him time and again- but he will never, ever leave me or forsake me. He loves me, and he loves Jen and Robin and he loves you, and he wants you to come back to him. Choose his love that gives life, leave your sin in the ground where it was buried. Makes me examine my own sin, my own sexual sin, my own waywardness, the things i kept hidden, the sin i inflict on my own body.
It has been a while since I have been able to go back to the basics- God loves me. He died for me. I’m his now, and always will be. God is love, and he will be in my heart forever.
1 Corinthians 6:12-20
12 “I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but I will not be mastered by anything. 13 You say, “Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.” The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. 14 By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. 15 Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! 16 Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”[b] 17 But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.[c]
18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
YL Camp 2011
i'm leaving for a 12 or 13 hour bus ride tonight at 10pm to go to Saranac Lake for my first Young Life summer camp as a leader.
i am struggling with not feeling prepared, not feeling excited, feeling more nervous about getting in the way than helping out but the fact of the matter is that i need to remember what we have talked about this whole year- that as leaders, we are the ones who walk into the camp not just to have fun and make friends and bond with kids- but we walk in realizing that we have just entered the site of intense, intense spiritual warfare and that Satan is absolutely at work in many of those kids' hearts, blinding them in their ignorance of the wages of sin. and i think that what is going on right now in my head is that Satan has tried to get me to forget that- that there is so much going on unseen at camp that we need to be vigilant of in prayer and petition. I'm not going to be a nuisance just because I don't have my own big group of girls going- only one of my girls, Alisa is going. and that is weird for me, being a leader for one girl, but oh my God, it must be that God wants me to be alone with her. it's not a matter of awkwardness but of a dire need for me to dedicate myself wholly to her this week in a spirit of love and prayer and joy and patience and steadfastness. i need to be faithful to what God has done in my life, and express to her that God has revealed to me in my life that there is nothing worth living for other than Jesus. I just pray that God will give me words to say and to not worry about that- that he doesn't call the equipped, but he absolutely equips the called. and you know, when i let myself think of it it really does make me want to melt, i don't know why he chose me, but as sick and twisted i have been in my old self, i have the inheritance of Jesus in my heart through faith that is "imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time (1 Peter 1:4)"
i don't know if i'm being tested or tempted, but probably just both, i don't know. this past month i have been so enticed by my old desires and i know Satan would love it if i went into camp thinking, I'm not good enough, I don't have a right to speak or lead, I'm just in the way. no- God wants me there and he wants me to be vigilant for his glory and for Alisa's salvation, and many other girls who I haven't even met yet in the cabin I'm staying in. I just hope that i have boldness to say what needs to be said in a gentle, quiet and pure spirit.
This week will be a challenge for me to allow myself to realize how dependent I am on God's word. I've never had to do this before under such circumstances, but God has given me a lot of grace the past week or so to ensure that I am actually locked away from my evil desires- that's another story but a combination of events and accidents lead me to get the things done that needed to get done, when I could have been inside hiding my light from the world.
I don't have a whole lot more to say but i figured i should say/write something before I leave to camp and if anyone sees this before I leave, please pray for me, pray for Alisa, pray for our cabin and just that we will all have our eyes opened to our sin, but most of all, Jesus.
thanks and just a word of advice- in the trials of your faith, when you think there is no trial and you are just coasting waiting for the next big thing in life- know that the temptation of laziness, apathy, fear and timidity is sneaky and feels natural. don't let yourself slip.
as far as the Christian community goes wherever you are- in your church, youth group, young life, high school, college, or family- if you are NOT a part of the solution, you ARE a part of the problem.
i got this quote on a bottlecap of tea the other day, "Everyday we must choose whether we want to improve the world or enjoy the world- and it makes it hard to plan the day." I thought that was especially true for Christians. chose to improve the world and enjoy seeing your friends go from death to life.
i am struggling with not feeling prepared, not feeling excited, feeling more nervous about getting in the way than helping out but the fact of the matter is that i need to remember what we have talked about this whole year- that as leaders, we are the ones who walk into the camp not just to have fun and make friends and bond with kids- but we walk in realizing that we have just entered the site of intense, intense spiritual warfare and that Satan is absolutely at work in many of those kids' hearts, blinding them in their ignorance of the wages of sin. and i think that what is going on right now in my head is that Satan has tried to get me to forget that- that there is so much going on unseen at camp that we need to be vigilant of in prayer and petition. I'm not going to be a nuisance just because I don't have my own big group of girls going- only one of my girls, Alisa is going. and that is weird for me, being a leader for one girl, but oh my God, it must be that God wants me to be alone with her. it's not a matter of awkwardness but of a dire need for me to dedicate myself wholly to her this week in a spirit of love and prayer and joy and patience and steadfastness. i need to be faithful to what God has done in my life, and express to her that God has revealed to me in my life that there is nothing worth living for other than Jesus. I just pray that God will give me words to say and to not worry about that- that he doesn't call the equipped, but he absolutely equips the called. and you know, when i let myself think of it it really does make me want to melt, i don't know why he chose me, but as sick and twisted i have been in my old self, i have the inheritance of Jesus in my heart through faith that is "imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time (1 Peter 1:4)"
i don't know if i'm being tested or tempted, but probably just both, i don't know. this past month i have been so enticed by my old desires and i know Satan would love it if i went into camp thinking, I'm not good enough, I don't have a right to speak or lead, I'm just in the way. no- God wants me there and he wants me to be vigilant for his glory and for Alisa's salvation, and many other girls who I haven't even met yet in the cabin I'm staying in. I just hope that i have boldness to say what needs to be said in a gentle, quiet and pure spirit.
This week will be a challenge for me to allow myself to realize how dependent I am on God's word. I've never had to do this before under such circumstances, but God has given me a lot of grace the past week or so to ensure that I am actually locked away from my evil desires- that's another story but a combination of events and accidents lead me to get the things done that needed to get done, when I could have been inside hiding my light from the world.
I don't have a whole lot more to say but i figured i should say/write something before I leave to camp and if anyone sees this before I leave, please pray for me, pray for Alisa, pray for our cabin and just that we will all have our eyes opened to our sin, but most of all, Jesus.
thanks and just a word of advice- in the trials of your faith, when you think there is no trial and you are just coasting waiting for the next big thing in life- know that the temptation of laziness, apathy, fear and timidity is sneaky and feels natural. don't let yourself slip.
as far as the Christian community goes wherever you are- in your church, youth group, young life, high school, college, or family- if you are NOT a part of the solution, you ARE a part of the problem.
i got this quote on a bottlecap of tea the other day, "Everyday we must choose whether we want to improve the world or enjoy the world- and it makes it hard to plan the day." I thought that was especially true for Christians. chose to improve the world and enjoy seeing your friends go from death to life.
Monday, July 4, 2011
when all you have is sunshine, you end up with a desert
my desires are tearing me apart. i really wish i had a christian friend to talk this out with because i feel that i have been very double minded. except this isn’t something i can go to anyone with. honestly there are few people who i think would understand or even respect that my struggle is a real one. i literally feel as though i am living in two bodies, my new self is my regular outfit, but every once in a while i’ll put on my old self. i’m like a blind man who was healed, who is now walking around with his eyes shut. i’m ignoring the spiritual warfare that i usually am vigilant about fighting and looking out for, and acting as though i was in peacetime. but this rut i’m in is no peace time, it’s satan’s foothold in my heart making me feel as though i can just be this wish washy person and indulge in desires that seem harmless right now though i KNOW from my own past how deadly they can be for me, personally. but it’s like i am thinking i am just innocently dabbling and that it can’t hurt. how stupid can i be? how stupid am i to go against everything i KNOW is true and have woken up every morning these past two years on fire for? this morning scared me just because i woke up not caring about anything. and i can’t explain this feeling. i can almost visualize the wall i have built around my mind lately.
the only thing i can think of is that hopefully when i get back to richmond i will get back in the groove of things and throw all of this aside. and i know that that is a pretty sure bet, but what really disappoints me is that this month was a test of how much i love God in my spare time, when i’m alone, in the deepest pits of my heart. and i failed to persevere and to learn. instead i crumbled and went back to things God once so gracefully pried me away from. but the thing is is that i KNOW he forgives me and loves me and knows me just the same. i just feel lost and scared and discouraged and alone.
i’m looking into my future and picturing myself without Jesus beside me. i’m painting this picture in my head that says, i can’t do it. or maybe i can. maybe i’m good enough? i am good enough. i’m not good enough. i hope i am good enough.
but when i am regularly talking and listening to God, and seeking him out in everyday things, i am filled with this peace that says, i am loved and cared for. i have a purpose and i can do all things through him who strengthens me, according to his will for my life, and his love and goodness. he saved me.
i miss that, i want that. do i want to live for him who created me, knows me, loves me? or do i want to live for myself, who is unintelligent, uneducated, wayward and unloving by nature-who has selfish and sinful desires that have no assurance, no satisfaction, no life?
James 1:8
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
i know this because God has put people in my life where I have seen this as so true. but now i’m in that position. saying no to what i want is so hard sometimes just because it’s so easy. persevering for Christ isn’t easy and never has been, but it brings me the most joy of anything i have ever experienced- it is a deep satisfaction that is always, always available to me and it helps me understand and get through everything else in this life.
my desires for the things of this world and my longing for him have two very different results. i know the things God has shown me when i am living for him, when i am obedient to him. he’s shown me these things through conversations i have had with people, through waiting on hardships, through suffering and uncertainty. he has shown me the glory of living for him in other people- some more than others, but always enough to at least tell me, hold on, this is all that matters.
only because of God have i completed assignments that i should have failed because of my unfaithfulness. only by his grace did i even get into college in the first place. only because of God have i met incredible people, each with their own brokenness. ONLY because of God do i have any friends at all- and only because of God have I somehow been able to love them back, and been significant part of their lives because of how I have been obedient - through sacrifice, patience and humility, all traits that are absolutely not in my nature- have I been able to love people like God has loved me.
i’ve seen Christian friends of mine give up. and i see their life and i see that i absolutely do not want that. i want to tear my hair out knowing what they have given up because of fear, alcohol, sex, social insecurity and the love of money and success according to this world.
James 1:13-15
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
i know this all too well.
i know what i need to choose. it’s just so easy to give in, indulge, turn away, spit in his face and all of what he has done for me and the people he has given me to love.
the only thing i can think of is that hopefully when i get back to richmond i will get back in the groove of things and throw all of this aside. and i know that that is a pretty sure bet, but what really disappoints me is that this month was a test of how much i love God in my spare time, when i’m alone, in the deepest pits of my heart. and i failed to persevere and to learn. instead i crumbled and went back to things God once so gracefully pried me away from. but the thing is is that i KNOW he forgives me and loves me and knows me just the same. i just feel lost and scared and discouraged and alone.
i’m looking into my future and picturing myself without Jesus beside me. i’m painting this picture in my head that says, i can’t do it. or maybe i can. maybe i’m good enough? i am good enough. i’m not good enough. i hope i am good enough.
but when i am regularly talking and listening to God, and seeking him out in everyday things, i am filled with this peace that says, i am loved and cared for. i have a purpose and i can do all things through him who strengthens me, according to his will for my life, and his love and goodness. he saved me.
i miss that, i want that. do i want to live for him who created me, knows me, loves me? or do i want to live for myself, who is unintelligent, uneducated, wayward and unloving by nature-who has selfish and sinful desires that have no assurance, no satisfaction, no life?
James 1:8
A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
i know this because God has put people in my life where I have seen this as so true. but now i’m in that position. saying no to what i want is so hard sometimes just because it’s so easy. persevering for Christ isn’t easy and never has been, but it brings me the most joy of anything i have ever experienced- it is a deep satisfaction that is always, always available to me and it helps me understand and get through everything else in this life.
my desires for the things of this world and my longing for him have two very different results. i know the things God has shown me when i am living for him, when i am obedient to him. he’s shown me these things through conversations i have had with people, through waiting on hardships, through suffering and uncertainty. he has shown me the glory of living for him in other people- some more than others, but always enough to at least tell me, hold on, this is all that matters.
only because of God have i completed assignments that i should have failed because of my unfaithfulness. only by his grace did i even get into college in the first place. only because of God have i met incredible people, each with their own brokenness. ONLY because of God do i have any friends at all- and only because of God have I somehow been able to love them back, and been significant part of their lives because of how I have been obedient - through sacrifice, patience and humility, all traits that are absolutely not in my nature- have I been able to love people like God has loved me.
i’ve seen Christian friends of mine give up. and i see their life and i see that i absolutely do not want that. i want to tear my hair out knowing what they have given up because of fear, alcohol, sex, social insecurity and the love of money and success according to this world.
James 1:13-15
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
i know this all too well.
i know what i need to choose. it’s just so easy to give in, indulge, turn away, spit in his face and all of what he has done for me and the people he has given me to love.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
life does not slow down
the past few days have obliterated my comfort zone and a considerable amount of what i perceived as hope- but not for the worse. moreso, God has really stripped me of some things that i preferred to keep out of sight-out of mind....but now they are out in the open, splayed in front of me. only by his grace have these things not tainted and stained my love for those around me. that in itself is comforting, that when all else is taken from me, my love for these people still stands- i know that i love only because God loved me first, and that my love for them is a Christ-centered love.
been feeling overwhelmed for a number of reasons. not all bad but there is one thing in particular that i have been stressed about.
i go to VCU. i have art classes, classmates, friends, church, and lead young life at a high school in richmond- where i am having the awesome privilege of getting to know tons of incredible high school kids and teaching them about jesus.
i went to high school in northern virginia, where my brother still lives. i go back every once in a while to reconnect with my old young life friends and such, and keep up close relationships i had in high school.
my best friends live in philadelphia, and tucson.
my family lives on an afb in colorado springs. i have a handful of friends 30 min away from base that i keep up with.
i also have a handful of very dear friends of mine who i have only ever spoken to online with, some of which i have been friends with for up to 6 years.
i am crazy, crazy, madly in love with all of these incredible people God has blessed me with, he has poured blessing upon blessing, hundreds of inspiring, beautiful people in my life who encourage me and teach me every day. i have had so many opportunities to witness to dozens of friends about God's goodness and i am so thankful that God has allowed me to somehow be able to keep up deep relationships with people who i see very seldomly, and in those rare occasions where i can connect with these friends, we are able to sharpen each other the way iron sharpens iron.
i almost feel a changing of times coming. because i'm starting to feel like i don't know where home is anymore, and i am feeling uprooted although little has changed...yet. i keep forgetting the radical changes 2011 will inevitably bring for not just my family, but this country, and my education.
i don't want to feel spread thin, but i have been feeling that way. it is becoming more difficult for me to keep up with long distance friends and i grit my teeth as i reluctantly prioritize my friendships. but i know this is not favoritism, but i feel that God has narrowed my social scope for the time being. my family, and a few very dear friends of mine have been undergoing major changes in their lives and it has had a considerable impact on the way i have been living my own life. i have been learning more intimate things about people i have grown up with, and i feel that God has called me to a more committed lifestyle with the friendships he has put directly in front of me. I feel that in this past semester, especially this past spring, specifically during finals, i have really lost sight of the intentional, purposeful way God taught me how to love others. i don't know what this strung out, lost, almost frustrated feeling i have been having means. I hope this does not all sound like "ohhhh i am so popular i just need to tone it down a notch" but it is moreso that I have been spreading my own self too thin- trying to love everyone and not trusting that God is going to provide when I am not there. but although i know that is important to recognize- i know that i have strayed from how i know i should be. otherwise i would not feel exhausted.
i dont really know what i am talking about or why i am saying all of this, bottom line is i guess i feel irritated that i have been coming off as neglectful, when i have like 5 different homes that i desperately try to keep in equal contact with, somehow, in the only ways i know how.
but thank you to whoever has been praying for me because i have absolutely felt God's presence this past weekend. in so many ways my heart could have been shredded to smithereens this weekend. and these trials are not over. i am in colorado for a month and i have no clue what lies ahead of me. thank you so much for praying for me, thinking of me. i love you so much, thank you. i ask you to please pray that with the possibility of two more future homes- one for my family, and one for myself a year from now, that God would give me peace and not guilt, and to help me to love others like he loves me more and more, so that i do not stay awake at night, sad or frustrated that i have not lived up to someone's expectations of me, when i have so much to worry about in the city i am currently in.
i'm weak and weary and crappy i just want my friends to be ok and i want to kick myself for the right reasons like when i am about to fail a class, not for reasons that are completely out of my control.
been feeling overwhelmed for a number of reasons. not all bad but there is one thing in particular that i have been stressed about.
i go to VCU. i have art classes, classmates, friends, church, and lead young life at a high school in richmond- where i am having the awesome privilege of getting to know tons of incredible high school kids and teaching them about jesus.
i went to high school in northern virginia, where my brother still lives. i go back every once in a while to reconnect with my old young life friends and such, and keep up close relationships i had in high school.
my best friends live in philadelphia, and tucson.
my family lives on an afb in colorado springs. i have a handful of friends 30 min away from base that i keep up with.
i also have a handful of very dear friends of mine who i have only ever spoken to online with, some of which i have been friends with for up to 6 years.
i am crazy, crazy, madly in love with all of these incredible people God has blessed me with, he has poured blessing upon blessing, hundreds of inspiring, beautiful people in my life who encourage me and teach me every day. i have had so many opportunities to witness to dozens of friends about God's goodness and i am so thankful that God has allowed me to somehow be able to keep up deep relationships with people who i see very seldomly, and in those rare occasions where i can connect with these friends, we are able to sharpen each other the way iron sharpens iron.
i almost feel a changing of times coming. because i'm starting to feel like i don't know where home is anymore, and i am feeling uprooted although little has changed...yet. i keep forgetting the radical changes 2011 will inevitably bring for not just my family, but this country, and my education.
i don't want to feel spread thin, but i have been feeling that way. it is becoming more difficult for me to keep up with long distance friends and i grit my teeth as i reluctantly prioritize my friendships. but i know this is not favoritism, but i feel that God has narrowed my social scope for the time being. my family, and a few very dear friends of mine have been undergoing major changes in their lives and it has had a considerable impact on the way i have been living my own life. i have been learning more intimate things about people i have grown up with, and i feel that God has called me to a more committed lifestyle with the friendships he has put directly in front of me. I feel that in this past semester, especially this past spring, specifically during finals, i have really lost sight of the intentional, purposeful way God taught me how to love others. i don't know what this strung out, lost, almost frustrated feeling i have been having means. I hope this does not all sound like "ohhhh i am so popular i just need to tone it down a notch" but it is moreso that I have been spreading my own self too thin- trying to love everyone and not trusting that God is going to provide when I am not there. but although i know that is important to recognize- i know that i have strayed from how i know i should be. otherwise i would not feel exhausted.
i dont really know what i am talking about or why i am saying all of this, bottom line is i guess i feel irritated that i have been coming off as neglectful, when i have like 5 different homes that i desperately try to keep in equal contact with, somehow, in the only ways i know how.
but thank you to whoever has been praying for me because i have absolutely felt God's presence this past weekend. in so many ways my heart could have been shredded to smithereens this weekend. and these trials are not over. i am in colorado for a month and i have no clue what lies ahead of me. thank you so much for praying for me, thinking of me. i love you so much, thank you. i ask you to please pray that with the possibility of two more future homes- one for my family, and one for myself a year from now, that God would give me peace and not guilt, and to help me to love others like he loves me more and more, so that i do not stay awake at night, sad or frustrated that i have not lived up to someone's expectations of me, when i have so much to worry about in the city i am currently in.
i'm weak and weary and crappy i just want my friends to be ok and i want to kick myself for the right reasons like when i am about to fail a class, not for reasons that are completely out of my control.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
please
hey, will someone, anyone, you guys please pray for me. i want to be able to write more, give more. but i have been pretty lukewarm/watery lately... young life is over, small group is over, RUF is over..... i'll be in colorado by next week, but i don't want to waste a single day not abiding in him.
Friday, April 22, 2011
good friday
“
The only explanation for the past 7 years of my life, the transformation I have undergone involving the literal deadness of my soul coming into living a life full of love and a hunger for selflessness and compassion, is that Jesus is God, Jesus died with my sin once and for all, and lives again, and he lives in me, and I have been born again, pure and blameless before God, who loves me deeply- not some days, but every day.
I’m excited to share with people that it was downright impossible for a person like me back before I accepted Jesus into my heart to become anything joyful, anything useful, anyone worth love. Jesus paid it all. It was impossible for me to conquer that death that I was born into this world in, but Jesus did it for me, because he loves me.
Crazy, suicidal, sexually broken, hopeless and purposeless, turned into someone who lives to love for the sake of letting other people know the kind of healing Jesus brought me, because I can testify because of this intense personal experience I have had with him- day to day experiences, but also just 7 years of testing and confirming that God’s word is true, and God’s love is real, and God’s love is absolutely unfailing, and he absolutely loves us, and he absolutely paid it all so that we can be in that perfect relationship with him again- that sin is absolutely real, but that God’s love is more than enough to cover my sin, as far as the curse is found in the span of my soul and mind- he is eternal, and he is good. I have so many stories, and not because of my own wisdom or my own discipline, but purely because he has interceded time and time again in all of my difficult decisions, in all of my relationships, even in all of my schoolwork, and in all of the dark nights where I felt alone, dirty, unworthy, isolated and aimless. he has reassured me time and time again that there WILL be trouble in this world, but that he has overcome it all for my sake- that it is not my own doing that makes me right in God’s eyes, and able to come to him with all of my weariness and emptiness, but that God gave this gift of love to me, he gave Jesus as the way back to him, and that it is free and without conditions. all I have to do is believe and receive it,and be transformed by it. he walks with me every day, and i can also testify to the fact that the days when I want to edge God out of my life and choose not to remember that the things he wants for me are for my own good- when I choose to isolate myself and do my own thing without asking him to bless my way and give me peace and wisdom in all i do, those days are horrible and sometimes i just have to shower, and lie in my room and contemplate what my life would be like if I had the guts to do what I wanted so badly to do back before Jesus saved me. I realize that no matter how far I sink now, Jesus is always the solid foundation beneath my feet, and he will not let me drown. he LOVES me and day after day these 7 years he has drilled it into my heart and my mind that the things of this world are fading, fleeting and unsatisfying, but his love will never leave me or forsake me. without him in my life I am incredibly emotionally and psychologically unstable- but I look around me and know that I am absolutely not the only one. I want people to know this amazing saving love that I have been so blessed by such amazing grace to know as intimately as I have…. I never want to convert my friends for the sake of converting them, it is because i love them so deeply and care for them so deeply because God has revealed to me in such a vivid way that we are ALL broken, crushed, dead and hopeless beneath our sin. but just as much as he has shown me the brokenness of this world, he has shown me the power of Jesus in my life- what letting God love me can do to transform EVERYTHING in my life…. school, money, relationships, love, school, work, sleep, and how I spend my free time. his provisions for me align my actions… my actions according to his will align my purpose. all I do, I do out of joy because I love him because he first loved me, and I love my friends because without asking I already know that when it comes down to it, we all have something in common- that we are entirely and eternally broken beyond our own repair. and past that, we have something else in common- that Jesus loves us and died for us because he came down from heaven to dwell among us, and know us deeply, intimately, personally. who would do that for me? who would do that for you? leave the most perfect, beautiful place in all of existence to come to where I am to cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me.
He came to me, came to know me and love me deeply. he took my hands. he took all of the crap in my life, all of the disease in my soul, and took it into the grave with him. he stayed dead for three days. he was without sin- a disease that we are all born with, the wages of which are death. but he took mine and paid my penalty. he conquered death, came alive again, and he lives now- and he is in me. I live because he lives in me and his blood runs in my veins. Life is worth living now just because he lives.
He didn’t just die with our sin, but he told it who was boss. he left it dead in the grave, once and for all, a final and eternal payment to mend an eternal and final separation from God’s love.
I love Jesus and I thank God every day for not forgetting about me, for not leaving me here in my sin to die, even when I know in the big picture of things- I don’t deserve a single thing. but he gave me everything. and he wants to give YOU everything, and you can have it this very second, if you just tell him you want it, and to give it to you, and you believe that Jesus paid it all.
”
The only explanation for the past 7 years of my life, the transformation I have undergone involving the literal deadness of my soul coming into living a life full of love and a hunger for selflessness and compassion, is that Jesus is God, Jesus died with my sin once and for all, and lives again, and he lives in me, and I have been born again, pure and blameless before God, who loves me deeply- not some days, but every day.
I’m excited to share with people that it was downright impossible for a person like me back before I accepted Jesus into my heart to become anything joyful, anything useful, anyone worth love. Jesus paid it all. It was impossible for me to conquer that death that I was born into this world in, but Jesus did it for me, because he loves me.
Crazy, suicidal, sexually broken, hopeless and purposeless, turned into someone who lives to love for the sake of letting other people know the kind of healing Jesus brought me, because I can testify because of this intense personal experience I have had with him- day to day experiences, but also just 7 years of testing and confirming that God’s word is true, and God’s love is real, and God’s love is absolutely unfailing, and he absolutely loves us, and he absolutely paid it all so that we can be in that perfect relationship with him again- that sin is absolutely real, but that God’s love is more than enough to cover my sin, as far as the curse is found in the span of my soul and mind- he is eternal, and he is good. I have so many stories, and not because of my own wisdom or my own discipline, but purely because he has interceded time and time again in all of my difficult decisions, in all of my relationships, even in all of my schoolwork, and in all of the dark nights where I felt alone, dirty, unworthy, isolated and aimless. he has reassured me time and time again that there WILL be trouble in this world, but that he has overcome it all for my sake- that it is not my own doing that makes me right in God’s eyes, and able to come to him with all of my weariness and emptiness, but that God gave this gift of love to me, he gave Jesus as the way back to him, and that it is free and without conditions. all I have to do is believe and receive it,and be transformed by it. he walks with me every day, and i can also testify to the fact that the days when I want to edge God out of my life and choose not to remember that the things he wants for me are for my own good- when I choose to isolate myself and do my own thing without asking him to bless my way and give me peace and wisdom in all i do, those days are horrible and sometimes i just have to shower, and lie in my room and contemplate what my life would be like if I had the guts to do what I wanted so badly to do back before Jesus saved me. I realize that no matter how far I sink now, Jesus is always the solid foundation beneath my feet, and he will not let me drown. he LOVES me and day after day these 7 years he has drilled it into my heart and my mind that the things of this world are fading, fleeting and unsatisfying, but his love will never leave me or forsake me. without him in my life I am incredibly emotionally and psychologically unstable- but I look around me and know that I am absolutely not the only one. I want people to know this amazing saving love that I have been so blessed by such amazing grace to know as intimately as I have…. I never want to convert my friends for the sake of converting them, it is because i love them so deeply and care for them so deeply because God has revealed to me in such a vivid way that we are ALL broken, crushed, dead and hopeless beneath our sin. but just as much as he has shown me the brokenness of this world, he has shown me the power of Jesus in my life- what letting God love me can do to transform EVERYTHING in my life…. school, money, relationships, love, school, work, sleep, and how I spend my free time. his provisions for me align my actions… my actions according to his will align my purpose. all I do, I do out of joy because I love him because he first loved me, and I love my friends because without asking I already know that when it comes down to it, we all have something in common- that we are entirely and eternally broken beyond our own repair. and past that, we have something else in common- that Jesus loves us and died for us because he came down from heaven to dwell among us, and know us deeply, intimately, personally. who would do that for me? who would do that for you? leave the most perfect, beautiful place in all of existence to come to where I am to cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me.
He came to me, came to know me and love me deeply. he took my hands. he took all of the crap in my life, all of the disease in my soul, and took it into the grave with him. he stayed dead for three days. he was without sin- a disease that we are all born with, the wages of which are death. but he took mine and paid my penalty. he conquered death, came alive again, and he lives now- and he is in me. I live because he lives in me and his blood runs in my veins. Life is worth living now just because he lives.
He didn’t just die with our sin, but he told it who was boss. he left it dead in the grave, once and for all, a final and eternal payment to mend an eternal and final separation from God’s love.
I love Jesus and I thank God every day for not forgetting about me, for not leaving me here in my sin to die, even when I know in the big picture of things- I don’t deserve a single thing. but he gave me everything. and he wants to give YOU everything, and you can have it this very second, if you just tell him you want it, and to give it to you, and you believe that Jesus paid it all.
”
Monday, April 18, 2011
father + daughter
i might delete this. i will keep it up for a while just so hopefully some of you can read this and be encouraged and not just completely broken apart and saddened by this.
for those of you who know me, you know. this made me cry very deeply. like something became more true. something came close but wasn't quite purged. made me tear up in my animation class and could hardly stand it. thankfully i wasn't the only one- my teacher and another girl in the class, too. it was funny because from the sound of it, each of us read it differently and took something very personal from it. my teacher has a horrible relationship with her father, and janice said she has a really good one. for me i am just so blessed to know God as my father and that there has been so much reconciliation between me and my dad so far.... there is still so much to go but i discovered this deep longing for him, for that acceptance and support and foundation in someone and i found that in God who will never let me down... i just want all of the men who are closest to me in my life to know God as their fathers as i have, and to be healed. i just want them to be healed so, so, so badly. it hurts very deeply and is far too common when someone finds himself or herself in the position of loving your parent as if they were your prodigal son... but i just want to encourage you to never stop loving them like that. jesus' love is powerful and pure, is mighty to save and heal the hearts and relationships of who have been torn apart, have been separated by that endless pit of sin.
Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Luke 15:11-32
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
25 “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
28 “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
31 “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”
lastly,
Sunday, April 10, 2011
jesus + blind men
today there was a blind guy in front of me when we were taking communion at our church you break off a piece of the bread, dip it in the wine then eat it and sit down.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.
praise you, thank you.
all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.
i was studying the faces of the man and woman who were holding each item in their hands as they marveled at this- such an amazing thing. such faithfulness, such a beautiful thing, i have never seen a blind man take communion before, i know that is so weird but it was just like... his mother (i think) or maybe it was just a guide he had, lead him up to the front of the church, and had to lead his hand so that he could break the bread and drink the wine. she guided him so that he could find it, so that he could find jesus' broken body that was broken for him, and so that he could reach past that brokenness, take it and have it be purified in Jesus' blood that was shed for him. that's the kind of faithfulness that i want.. to know that the holy spirit really does guide me home to that brokenness and purity that was given freely so that i could be saved, so that i can receive the love i could never earn, freely by grace and not of my own cleverness or wisdom of how to access it. life is an unfamiliar place for me, and i am blind to my surroundings. life without jesus as my guide is like being a blind man, walking through that unfamiliar space, alone and confused, aimless..... but jesus guides me to himself, heals me, opens my eyes and lets me see. why, after that would i continue to keep my eyes shut? i am healed, i can see, God's house is familiar and he walks with me in his courts and teaches me his ways and lights the path for my feet to walk by so that i don't stumble.
praise you, thank you.
all of the passages that record when jesus healed the blind and the lepers, i love so much.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
figuring out/understanding lent
is wonderful.
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
also, praise God for incredible, beautiful answers to prayer… he really does go above and beyond our understanding into true reconciliation, and past that, into the peace that transcends all understanding that is grounded in his deep, unfailing love for us. thank you so much to whoever has been praying for me…… you guys are so wonderful and support me even when i almost don’t have the strength to open my eyes in the morning, when i don’t have the guts to look Jesus in the eye- who has come through for me every time before- and tell him, Raise the fallen, cheer the faint. Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
i praise him and thank him so much for being able to be transformed so that we can love others like he loves us… and specifically, to be able to forgive people just as he forgives us. that we have that promise to receive his spirit that strengthens us, that walks with us, and carries us through the hardest, darkest times. i’m so thankful that i can live my life in joy, peace and faith that the future holds hope for his glory and for myself drawing closer to him, and knowing him more… i wrote in my journal a few weeks ago, that i am absolutely exhausted, tired, of living my life for the mountaintop experiences. i want true peace and love and confidence that i can live my life day to day with in the grudgingly mundane things that suddenly make these things bloom into wonderful memories and lessons and blessings that i can go to bed with honest-to-God gratitude for my life. that I am me, and that he loves me and knows me more than i could ever understand. I have received that this past month on a new level and i’m still struggling but I have so much more hope in these things that God has burdened my heart with for prayer and praise to him. thank you jesus for being that model that i strive towards.. and that you have not made yourself unreachable. that all who believe in you receive eternal life- that we are not just healed of our disease, but we are made clean. that you heal our identity and allow us to come back into deep love with you, and that we can love each other and our friends deeply. thank you for that. thank you for making that my life. thank you that that is all i live for now. i pray that you would make me want it more, and that i would act on that desire in diligence and in prayer, self control, gentleness, humility and lovingness. help me to love my friends more, and to reach out to those whom i turn away from for petty reasons, even fear. let me know you more, thank you God for promising that you will bless all of these things, that these prayers will be answered in your good timing. help me to wait on you, to have strength and joy and peace in my waiting- that i would be able to encourage others to be patient as well, and that i would have true love for them-that i would suffer with them, and rejoice with them in their life. thank you for showing us the good that comes from laying down our life for the sake of you resurrecting us in your perfection and sinlessness. thank you for being the model of sacrifice and patience, and of the only evidence we need that God really does love us. thank you for blessing us beyond that and calling us friends (John 15:15)- that we are no longer servants, but you bless us by revealing your character and will to us in our lives and prove all of these things to us by your Word- i thank you for the bible and for your spirit that helps us to understand it and weaves it into the deepest depths of our hearts, and transform our hearts and minds, renewing us day by day. thank you for that, i pray that you would help me to resist conforming to this world and that i would be so excited to love you and to love my friends more- that i would become less, and you would become more and more and more. i pray for my friends, that they would know your love, and that they would know the power of forgiveness in their own lives, and that you would help me to love them and forgive them just like you’ve done for me. i love you soooo much. thank you for loving me. you are incredible and you are all i live for. you won’t leave me or forsake me…and i know you won’t leave or forsake Victoria, and you have made that very plain to me today and i thank you for that. thank you for answering prayers i am too weak to say aloud, and that you answer prayers even when i am not looking. thank you thank you thank youuuuuu i love you.
JESUS’ NAME AMEN YEAHHHHH
Sunday, March 20, 2011
answered prayer, lots of them
SO overwhelming this past week- last week, and this week have been incredibly pivotal for my life. so many opportunities, so, SO many answers to prayer. i have the list in my journal in my purse, but seriously at least a total of 13 prayers answered this past week- and some things, prayer requests i have long abandoned and forgotten about, had presented to God years ago.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
so amazing and beautiful and i will get into all of these incredible new developments in my life as time goes on- and i will even just post the list soon if i decide that will be beneficial, but wow. so much reassurance. thank you so much to those of you who have been praying for me because you are such an amazing blessing in my life. i had an anonymous reader send me an email encouraging me to write more and that was just the icing on the cake. this blog has been so important to me and it pains me that so much grief and dissension and uncertainty has clouded my vision for the past months, but i just praise God so much, and want to say here that God has been so faithful once again and has lifted my heart, risen the fallen, cheered the faint, healed the sick and lead the blind. i can testify to each one of those things looking back at the past two weeks.
for just one instance, all of the weight i had in my heart about art and whatnot- my teacher sat me down and asked me if i have ever thought about switching schools- she then went on to tell me to go straight home tonight, look up the deadline for portfolios and apply to Cal Arts for character animation. that i don't belong here.
cal arts is where she went to school for experimental animation- the animation program there is incredible and very successful and well known artists come out of there who are hired by disney, cartoon network, pixar, etc. she told me she was almost sure that i would get in and that it would be fantastic for me- that i understand what it takes to make a dynamic character, to hold someone's attention, and that i am FUNNY FOR A GIRL. that last bit, that phrase, was something i think i have been wanting very much to hear from a teacher.
anyway-
this all happened after i failed miserably at the animation assignment and was certain i would humiliate myself at critique - started over 5 or 6 times on the "character animation" assignment- which is absolutely my forte, but for some reason was absolutely at a loss for any ideas. i ended up turning in an animation i had done last semester, but never had critiqued. i was so ashamed of myself and showed up to class feeling full of guilt and hopelessness, worthlessness.
everyone ended up loving it, and my teacher loved it, and i was just shocked. i have been praying for direction all year, but i honestly did not expect at all for God to be SO incredibly blunt and direct about it. seriously- he spelled it out for me pretty clearly that morning, "YOU STINK IN SO MANY WAYS BUT I LOVE YOU AND AM GOING TO USE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INCAPABLE OF DOING ON YOUR OWN. to prove that only by my grace, you can do all things through me, who gives you your strength."
so this has arisen in my life. so praise God, so much and i am so spoiled. so many people have to wait SO long for answers like this, but for some reason he has given me so much grace and mercy.
when Cal Arts came into the picture, i immediately thought of Young Life. i now feel incredibly dedicated and invested in the friendships and relationships i have begun to grow in with my Young Life kids, it would be SO wrong to just be like, deuces kiddies, have a nice life, i'm going to LA! also! jesus loves you , peace out! you know?! that would be so backwards. and it has nothing to do with me thinking, ohhhh dear... i have a commitment.... and i have to fill out my commitment on this contract. not at all. it is because i have just felt so much lately (which is another blessing and answer to prayer) that the Holy Spirit has finally pierced my heart and hannah's heart and brought us together in true peace and unity and we are finally feeling God use us and give us the love to really be passionate about Young Life. I gave my first club talk last wednesday, about Jesus healing the leper- he healed his identity as an outcast, not just his disease. that was my testimony! jesus healed my identity. it was incredible to know what it feels like to really speak in scripture, knowing that you are personal with the passage. it just reminds you that you are speaking truth- jesus is truth. jesus brings us life. and speaking the truth in love makes you feel SO, SO alive. it's indescribable but i would not trade it for anything in the entire universe. i love those moments where you can just pause and thank heaven that you were blessed with being you. i'm so so lucky to have those moments way more often than i deserve.
anyway- i looked up the deadline for Cal Arts and it is Jan 5 for portfolios, which means i would have to wait until fall anyway. so either way, i would have a year between now and then to do what i need to do- lead young life, very possibly take a year off or take a few classes, work a lot, love jesus and MAKE ART THAT I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
and not only that but
what is this?
random cool guy that i met at Reformed University Fellowship through another friend, wants to hire me and train me on the job at his brand development company to work with creative advising and direction?
God
what
ARE YOU DOING TO ME
ABSOLUTELY PROPOSTEROUSLY INCREDIBLE
not just that, but Zach, who looked over my portfolio with me loves Jesus and that adds an entirely different perspective on just having a job. it's amazing that i would actually be able to worship and pray with someone i worked with about how God can use our company to glorify him and love others.
NOT JUST THAT!
but on tuesday i am interviewing with them, and meeting this guy Logan Jones who is a worship leader with a following, who has lead worship in russia, germany, among other places, who wants us to help him build a website for his ministry (not entirely clear on specifics yet of course). he wants to do a steady video blog diary as well as far as i know and he would need an opening sequence/intro for each video, that could possibly where i could come in with my animation style, that zach assumes would fit his personality.
NOT JUST THAT EITHER
but
i would
get
paid
and
get
crazy
awesome
resume
stuff
on my
RESUME
RESUME
WHAT A GOOD WORD
AND
I GET TO HAVE A LEGIT REASON TO WEAR MY BUSINESS CASUAL CLOTHES THAT I LOVE SO DEARLY
I LOVE
BLAZERS (BUT I WON'T IDOLIZE THEM LOLZ)
yeah seriously TONS of artists have to wait years and years til they actually can find a job that they can use their art degree in. and i didn't even ask for this job- it just found me and chased after me. ahhh
ok that's all i can say for now. i don't have to keep talking, just praise God so much for the things he has done and for how faithful he is to his promises and loving me. just comparing this to my past blogs... i used to have to force myself to write on here, and that was why posts were seldom. but lately just so much has been happening- GOOD amazing things, that it is literally too much for me to process and write down into a blog post ahhaha. PRAISE GOD. HE'S SO AWESOME AND WEIRD AND COOL and loving and perfect in every way, more than i can fathom.
something that i have been thinking lately is just that there are sometimes where you need to just drop the philosophy talk of why it makes sense for certain things to come about in your life, and just wait on God for his wisdom and blessings.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
uahg
it's getting late and i still have to prepare a whole campaigners lesson... i am so pathetic sometimes.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
this week has had the most extreme ups and downs. so so so many answers to prayer, that prompted me to praise God so much but i'm still just so scared and fickle. going through the world's week in photos on msn or whatever, i felt sick. not too long ago i was kneeling on the ground and i couldn't move my forehead from the ground. i felt literal weight in my body that i just had to pray and pray for it to be lifted.
i just want Jesus.
i just want Jesus because i know that he is the answer to all of this brokenness.
don't have a lot to say- i should ahve posted earlier this week because seriously, i made a list of all of the prayers that were answered this week. a lot has happened, so insane.
i want rest.
i just want Jesus, i just want the people i love to want Jesus, and to know him and have him and love him like i do, and be healed in all the ways that i have been healed, and will be healed in the future.
i've been so weak lately, the smallest thing will just discourage me beyond what i think is reversible, then the next minute God will put something in my life that turns everything, everythinggggg upside down. i don't understand this life. i'm exhausted and i'm just weary and i am just letting Jesus carry me in his arms right now. finally getting the strength to find the words to pray for some things that i have been had such a heavy heart about lately.
but other than tonight, mostly, this week has been phenomenal and God has worked in SO many ways and has really really reassured me and brought me back into the light seeing that yes, YES he is so so faithful to me and i'm so so so so so so undeserving of his love and grace.
he's really speaking to me loudly, gently, lovingly, but firmly. there is so much that i need to change about my life and my relationship with him.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
artfart
i miss being able to write freely. i think one of my fears has become reality- a slight dependence on caffeine. i don't know if it is psychological or that it really does help me collect my thoughts better but if i sit down somewhere with coffee in the right context i really can collect myself so much better. the only down side to this is that i suck at making good coffee and i often hate coffee if it tastes like poo, which it always does unless it is pumped with sugar and cream and syrup and derp. so i have innocently allowed myself to dabble in 6.5 fl oz double shot lights and such but this might become a problem in the future just because it might be too good for me to the point where i can't function without ittttt. I DON'T WANT THATTTT because in the apocalyptic ages there will be no starbucks!!
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.
this is most of all a faith blog to me, and i wish that i could pour into it endlessly. reminiscing back to my last post i continue to have this weight on my heart about art versus ministry versus carving out a name to ministry with art on my own...... sometimes i have surges of HUGE encouragement and then others of just deep doubt and discouragement. almost like i want to run away from art and hide in jesus....from what i know jesus put in my life to glorify him with? i think to myself really backwards thoughts that are almost laughable, that "if art gets too difficult or doesn't work out for me, i could always be a youth minister." how is youth ministry my fallback? i often wonder how evangelism has BECOME my comfort zone. but facing a challenge where i must create an innovative form of evangelism through my own hands and mind, THAT IS NOT MY COMFORT ZONE! i love face to face relationship building- i enjoy it, i'm good at it, and it is always incredibly fruitful, praise God. but I know deep down in my heart, behind all of these excuses, complaints and despair i keep coming up with, i know that persevering in the art world and really seeking him out, he will absolutely answer my prayers and absolutely be glorified and he will absolutely honor my sacrifice and my faithfulness to him in trials..... dipping out and going into youth ministry is very probable to be in my future, but i also KNOW for a fact that God has called me to this challenge of ministry through art (that will very likely be directed to a youthful audience anyway).
IT IS JUST HARD. i am so undisciplined... unskilled, unbelieving in myself, not proud of anything i make without the positive feedback from my peers. blah. i have to go to class, but praise God because the extensive things i lack in order to execute amazing art for his kingdom, i know he will provide in abundance beyond what i can imagine sitting here right now. things are just going slowly and my life is scattered. but he will provide. he will use me. you will see, mark these words, the few who are reading this that God will absolutely glorify himself in my life and guide me into things that are bigger than what i can fathom.
Friday, February 18, 2011
hey
so, i don't really know what to say. i have been having intense up and downs lately and i feel like it's getting harder- not easier to discern how jesus and art are supposed to go hand in hand in my life. it's getting so weird. everything seems so huge and unreachable in every direction- but then on other days it seems like everything is before me, everything is real, possible, assured.
i haven't written in a really long time just because i don't know what to say and i really love to be able to pin down exactly what i'm feeling, struggling with, searching for at any given time of my life but lately i have no idea what my mind is doing. but it has made me distant from God and distant from others- tonight of all nights i should have felt overwhelmed with love and peace, but instead i just felt overwhelmed. small, aimless, empty, confused, numb, detached. and i want to say that because i don't know if my being so gung-ho with my faith is a good thing or a bad thing- most of the time i think it is a very good thing. always persevering, always striving for more, never ceasing. that is good, that is great and i'm so blessed. but i think that there is so much of my heart that i am afraid of. i don't know what my mind is capable of. i don't know how to explain it.
i'm going to try to word my dilemma but i will probably just sound really crazy- which it probably is.
we watched this documentary in my sound class on Arthur Russel and there was a man being interviewed about him who said that most people do not allow themselves to explore or express their full complexity.
i believe that a large part of the art world includes exploiting the human condition- obviously. but as a Christian, i just don't know where that puts me. i don't have anyone to compare myself to to seek guidance, either... obviously my view of the human condition is very different. but i am still a sinner. sin wretches our hearts. sin produces strife, angst, lust, dissatisfaction- because of all these things, some amazing art and music have been created. but i just don't know. if i want to be pruned of the branches that do not produce fruit, this would be out of the question: delving inside my own sinfulness, revelling in it, explointing it, selling it, glorifying it. but i of all people know that i have some sick, disgusting things down in my heart. i know a lot of people would just rejoice in knowing this but it's really no secret- it is just that i have been blessed to know jesus as my savior who has brought me as far from the east is from the west from the sin that condemns me- i am clean. i am blameless before God.
what the hell am i asking myself? i have no idea. what am i making, what is my message, what is my inspiration? i have no idea. conceptualism is KILLING ME because how do i express a concept in the vague way that the art world demands of me when i all i want to do is scream, yell, tear fabric and cry the truth. it's all that matters and it is just so frustrating. it is just so incredibly difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. because i am so UNASHAMED of the gospel that i have taken a full circle - now that i am placed in a position of an artist- an innovative communicator, i now have a nozzle that i have to place on my outpour- and that nozzle disrupts everything. l;akshdialhweroishdlhfalsk;dhf;aoweu9rifhsedofi;bhnsdo;ifugh does that even make any sense? it's liek ugahdffaksl;djfghbsugf but why do i feel like God wants me here, but at the same time it is so backwards??!
so frustrating. feeling so lonely and confused and lost right now because alllll i want is to tell people Jesus loves them and that i want them to know his amazing, amazing love, and this amazing life of freedom i have been blessed with because of him.
i have no idea what i'm saying. my heart is really all over the place and i'm getting so frustrated because i just want someone to be straight with ME. what the hell is wrong with me? i want to be pruned of all the branches that do not produce fruit.
i am afraid of delving into my mind and letting myself explore that complexity because a lot of it - something that i can't really make you understand- is incredibly terrifying because i am afraid to become unstable. i have felt tastes of that this week, and this evening. when i look behind my shoulder on the path that i have walked with jesus, i see all of what he has been leading me away from- irrationality, doubt, dispair, hate (so much hate), self image distortion, distrust, disorder, bipolar sort of reasoning. away from all these things into the groove of myself as a new creation- blameless, free and pure. who i have become just in the past 7 years of being a christian is something that if i stop to pause and really allow myself to fathom, is incredibly unbelievable, but absolutely true. from who i was before Jesus saved me, to who i am just sitting on this computer in the new Hilton hotel at Young Life Committee-Leader weekend, is a miracle and and absolute testament to God's goodness and the validity of his promises. He is SO good and he is SO faithful. i don't have to say like, i'm such a good christian now look at me i did this, this and this. but just the fruits of the spirit- those are true to my heart. and the process of hope through perseverance- that has become true in my heart. peace, Christlike love and compassion, selflessness, order, direction, wisdom granted to me as i ever ask in a pure heart that is given to me by the Holy spirit- all of these things have blossomed in my heart in just 7 years- MOST of which have just exploded in my life since I have been in college.
why would i EVER want to go back if i could help it?
i don't know if any of this made sense but i'm going to post this anyway because i just need to get all of this off my chest because there is no person that i could tell this to. i don't know if i made my dilemma clear. i just pray to lift all of this up to God, because he's really the only one who can change any of it- change any part of my heart. i have to go to bed. i feel really pathetic right now haha but i just pray that you would pray for me if you read this- i want God to use me to impact the world for himself and i know he will do that. i just pray that he would lead me away from temptation and deliver me from evil and be satisfied in proclaiming the Gospel faithfully, lovingly, truthfully in a spirit that is ABSOLUTELY unashamed. i'm sick of who i am, who i was- all i want is Jesus. it's just so easy to be weighed down by all of this crap. consumerism, grades, tough love, health, the cultural norm to always worry about the next day, and the next day, and the next until you inevitably die.
ok askdhf;aksldf this made no sense.
love you all thank you for encouraging me.
Raelyn has been heavily on my heart lately.
please pray for her.
goodnighttt
i haven't written in a really long time just because i don't know what to say and i really love to be able to pin down exactly what i'm feeling, struggling with, searching for at any given time of my life but lately i have no idea what my mind is doing. but it has made me distant from God and distant from others- tonight of all nights i should have felt overwhelmed with love and peace, but instead i just felt overwhelmed. small, aimless, empty, confused, numb, detached. and i want to say that because i don't know if my being so gung-ho with my faith is a good thing or a bad thing- most of the time i think it is a very good thing. always persevering, always striving for more, never ceasing. that is good, that is great and i'm so blessed. but i think that there is so much of my heart that i am afraid of. i don't know what my mind is capable of. i don't know how to explain it.
i'm going to try to word my dilemma but i will probably just sound really crazy- which it probably is.
we watched this documentary in my sound class on Arthur Russel and there was a man being interviewed about him who said that most people do not allow themselves to explore or express their full complexity.
i believe that a large part of the art world includes exploiting the human condition- obviously. but as a Christian, i just don't know where that puts me. i don't have anyone to compare myself to to seek guidance, either... obviously my view of the human condition is very different. but i am still a sinner. sin wretches our hearts. sin produces strife, angst, lust, dissatisfaction- because of all these things, some amazing art and music have been created. but i just don't know. if i want to be pruned of the branches that do not produce fruit, this would be out of the question: delving inside my own sinfulness, revelling in it, explointing it, selling it, glorifying it. but i of all people know that i have some sick, disgusting things down in my heart. i know a lot of people would just rejoice in knowing this but it's really no secret- it is just that i have been blessed to know jesus as my savior who has brought me as far from the east is from the west from the sin that condemns me- i am clean. i am blameless before God.
what the hell am i asking myself? i have no idea. what am i making, what is my message, what is my inspiration? i have no idea. conceptualism is KILLING ME because how do i express a concept in the vague way that the art world demands of me when i all i want to do is scream, yell, tear fabric and cry the truth. it's all that matters and it is just so frustrating. it is just so incredibly difficult for me to keep my mouth shut. because i am so UNASHAMED of the gospel that i have taken a full circle - now that i am placed in a position of an artist- an innovative communicator, i now have a nozzle that i have to place on my outpour- and that nozzle disrupts everything. l;akshdialhweroishdlhfalsk;dhf;aoweu9rifhsedofi;bhnsdo;ifugh does that even make any sense? it's liek ugahdffaksl;djfghbsugf but why do i feel like God wants me here, but at the same time it is so backwards??!
so frustrating. feeling so lonely and confused and lost right now because alllll i want is to tell people Jesus loves them and that i want them to know his amazing, amazing love, and this amazing life of freedom i have been blessed with because of him.
i have no idea what i'm saying. my heart is really all over the place and i'm getting so frustrated because i just want someone to be straight with ME. what the hell is wrong with me? i want to be pruned of all the branches that do not produce fruit.
i am afraid of delving into my mind and letting myself explore that complexity because a lot of it - something that i can't really make you understand- is incredibly terrifying because i am afraid to become unstable. i have felt tastes of that this week, and this evening. when i look behind my shoulder on the path that i have walked with jesus, i see all of what he has been leading me away from- irrationality, doubt, dispair, hate (so much hate), self image distortion, distrust, disorder, bipolar sort of reasoning. away from all these things into the groove of myself as a new creation- blameless, free and pure. who i have become just in the past 7 years of being a christian is something that if i stop to pause and really allow myself to fathom, is incredibly unbelievable, but absolutely true. from who i was before Jesus saved me, to who i am just sitting on this computer in the new Hilton hotel at Young Life Committee-Leader weekend, is a miracle and and absolute testament to God's goodness and the validity of his promises. He is SO good and he is SO faithful. i don't have to say like, i'm such a good christian now look at me i did this, this and this. but just the fruits of the spirit- those are true to my heart. and the process of hope through perseverance- that has become true in my heart. peace, Christlike love and compassion, selflessness, order, direction, wisdom granted to me as i ever ask in a pure heart that is given to me by the Holy spirit- all of these things have blossomed in my heart in just 7 years- MOST of which have just exploded in my life since I have been in college.
why would i EVER want to go back if i could help it?
i don't know if any of this made sense but i'm going to post this anyway because i just need to get all of this off my chest because there is no person that i could tell this to. i don't know if i made my dilemma clear. i just pray to lift all of this up to God, because he's really the only one who can change any of it- change any part of my heart. i have to go to bed. i feel really pathetic right now haha but i just pray that you would pray for me if you read this- i want God to use me to impact the world for himself and i know he will do that. i just pray that he would lead me away from temptation and deliver me from evil and be satisfied in proclaiming the Gospel faithfully, lovingly, truthfully in a spirit that is ABSOLUTELY unashamed. i'm sick of who i am, who i was- all i want is Jesus. it's just so easy to be weighed down by all of this crap. consumerism, grades, tough love, health, the cultural norm to always worry about the next day, and the next day, and the next until you inevitably die.
ok askdhf;aksldf this made no sense.
love you all thank you for encouraging me.
Raelyn has been heavily on my heart lately.
please pray for her.
goodnighttt
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
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