"If there was no way into God, I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long." - mwY
this might be kind of intense but: I sometimes strongly feel like my soul/spirit exists elsewhere and my current body is a shell. God is my only hiding place. his love is endlessly huge and vast- it stretches over me and shelters even the most far off, dark, abandoned, emotionally shredded parts of me. Earlier in my life I wrestled with strong feelings of wanting to leave my body, either by wishing (and feeling) that I was not female or wishing I were dead, sometimes both. Those thoughts still make sense to me now, but having a relationship with God completely transformed that part of me and cast those feelings in a completely different light. My relationship with Jesus deeply grounds me and gives me hope to live in a way absolutely that no other relationship or life decision ever has, could, or will. He is the light that does not burn out and the one who will never leave or forsake me. He has nothing selfish to gain or to lose by loving me. I know who I am, and I viscerally reject everything the world tells me is what it means to be a woman. I know I'm a woman, and being a woman means something completely different in God's eyes; he created it to be safe and he created it to be holy. He knows me fully and loves me perfectly, and he does not objectify or compare me. He sets me free from the feelings of being trapped and misunderstood by merely existing. He forgives and frees me from the bondage of harmful, sinful behavior and coping strategies. Since i am a sinner and the world is broken, I might never feel 100% at home in my body in my lifetime. i hope i do. however, i do know that God has promised me a new, perfect body in the resurrection and jesus will have made all things in the world right. I still have lots of hang ups that I am working through, but one of the biggest differences now is that back then, abandoning my body was a solution that made perfect sense to me. Now, as soon as I hear that voice in my head i absolutely know that is from the enemy and he so, so badly wants to make sure I never see the healing, protection, hope and joy that God has for me-- and I have to continue to guard my heart fiercely and keep pursuing being transformed into the person God created me to be

update

I'm just going to jump right in as though I have not been absent from this blog for a year:


It has almost been a couple weeks over a year since I had a huge anxiety attack that left me a bit mentally unhinged. I still feel that way now. It certainly isn't as bad as it was, but this year has been very difficult.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression significantly this past year. I don't even know where to start. Spring 2014 was awful... The summer was awful. Fall was OK. Spring 2015 has been OK. Last summer I finally hit a point where I was desperate for help, and my only safe person was my boyfriend, which wasn't a healthy for our relationship at some point. I found a counselor through my church who I was seeing for free which helped a lot. I found a therapist through her, and began seeing her seriously as soon as 2015 started. That helped significantly.
I was diagnosed with ADD by my therapist (who is also a woman with ADD, which was so cool), and had a very discouraging and demoralizing conversation with my doctor while trying to discuss my diagnosis and trying medication. I hit a point where I was sat my last, last leg and was afraid I was facing failing all of my classes due to my huge amount of anxiety, focus issues and mood issues. I was desperate and the diagnosis of ADD set my heart free. I have suspected I have ADD since high school, and once I discovered the huge difference between female ADD and male ADD, I was absolutely shocked. A lot of the hyperactivity that gets ADHD boys in trouble in school is manifested as anxiety in girls. The specific kinds of anxiety were things I have struggled with for years.

Jason, my boyfriend, was so sweet and found a doctor for me who took my insurance, was a Christian, was taking new patients AND specialized in ADD/Anxiety. I got to see him the very next day after the bad appt with my doctor. he talked to me for 15 minutes and said "yeah. you definitely have it." THANK YOU, music to my ears, seriously. My whole life I've told myself, I'm the way I am because I'm a stupid, incompetent, scatterbrained, underdeveloped, shitty excuse for a woman. I also recently recounted the incredible amounts of traumatic brain injuries I endured when I was younger- I always had a feeling that might have affected my brain. And now I feel so much better knowing there are physical reasons why certain things are so LITERALLY impossible for me to do, understand, learn, process.

Digipen is a dark place. We recently had a town hall meeting for the BFA (all years present), and after the heads of the department left, the students opened up to the Student Affairs people about the absolutely enormous prevalence and severity of anxiety/depression/suicidal thoughts among the BFA students. I know of 2 students who in their time at this school attempted suicide. There is such a darkness preventing change from happening here, and the negativity really affects me, too. I try hard to be positive when I can, but so often I am also drawing from my last strength. (God is sooo good and faithful to sustain me, and provide for all of my needs- really, really he has done amazing things and although things are still rough, I have made so much progress.)

After my anxiety attack last year (which happened about a month or two before my last post here) I completely shut down socially. I was unrecognizable to myself for a long time. I also discovered I had a HUGE, HUGE issue with drawing boundaries for myself with emotionally abusive people who took advantage of my kindness, time and energy. I had to cut people out fast, because I felt one emotional upheaval away from things really going downhill.
The most recent example of this was having to tell a friend of mine I could not talk to them until after this semester was over, because they were often finding me in my work space while I was under great stress, working 15 hours a day, taking almost no breaks and not talking to anyone except my boyfriend and my therapists (unless someone interrupted me while working.) This person would sit down and pour all of their emotional burdens onto me, sometimes to the point of tears. Although being burnt out I still viscerally respond to someone when they are in pain. I give them all of my attention. But over time I realized I lived in terror that this person would find me while I was working, completely derailing my workflow (struggling SO freaking hard with ADD issues). These kinds of conversations would lead me to going to bed at 3am rather than midnight- which would often pit me into great vulnerability for greater anxiety, stress, depression, irritability and inability to focus. I suddenly cut this person out of my life after they messaged me, telling me to "stop being such a fake, shiney, perfect person who doesn't tell people what they are thinking." This person also said things like I was selfish for not sharing my emotional baggage with them. (which I did, but they were never really listening.) They would grow passive aggressive when I would drop them off at their house and give them signals that I needed to leave and not talk for an hour in the car. I never thought someone would attack me for "not giving enough" of myself to them- when I gave them more than I gave anyone besides my boyfriend. This was also while I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to give anyone because I was running on empty.


Anyway- I was and still am in a season where I am dealing with a Venn diagram of different issues:
ADD, Anxiety, PMDD, Boundary issues (have gotten much better), and personal baggage (has gotten better). The ADD portion has explained to me my overwhelming sensitivity to my environment. I can't work when people are talking, I absolutely can't multitask, I often sometimes can't even work with people sitting next to me. It sounds completely stupid in neurotic, but I guess I just never realized I was this way to begin with because I have never been in an environment like Digipen before. Privacy here is absolutely impossible and it drives me up the wall. Especially since so many people are dealing with anxiety/depression issues, it's toxic that people don't have a place to remove themselves from negative people holding negative conversations- which makes the mood of all eavesdroppers plummet.

This is a huge problem for me:
When people strike up casual conversation with me while I am working. I can't help it, I feel like they are being so inconsiderate of the fact that I am obviously focused/working/under stress. I honestly feel the most loved by people who I connect with emotionally but leave me alone and never approach me. Even in the cafe, I grow extremely irritable when someone sits down with me uninvited. I am so overwhelmed with stress and unpleasant thoughts -for someone to invite themselves into my 15 minutes of nothingness and peace is absolutely (prepare for crazy thought) the most unloving and triggering act they could commit toward me. What especially irritates me is "you look so lonely!" I wish they didn't say anything to me, would stop looking at me, and ignore me and leave. I don't want to perform for this person. That's all I do, when people talk to me, I muster all of my remaining energy that I need to protect the sanity and tenderness of my own wellbeing and I give it to them. I fucking hate talking about myself genuinely because they don't understand my issues, and I only come off as miserable and unwelcoming, and I make them feel uncomfortable. I hate making people uncomfortable because guess what! I am still the same person- I still seriously care about them. I wish they did not look at my face, and comment on how ragged/tired/stressed I look. Why? I wish I had a face that gave people the hint that I want to be alone!!!! These conversations do not bond me to those people- it makes it worse. It divides us and I feel like i was vulnerable in the wrong situation, and that person feels awkward. I just. want them. to go. away. and leave me alone. So when people do talk to me I try to focus the conversation on them because talking about myself is exhausting. Sometimes the conversation is fine in the moment, once I get into the mode of "OK, I'm socializing." But sometimes after they leave I feel worse.



I am at an all-night school event and it's 2am, and I haven't gotten anything done. People have been distracting me constantly, all night. and when people were not bothering me personally, there were people around the school screaming in classrooms, talking loudly/laughing around my workspace. I had a good chunk of space to work by myself, and at some point I came back to work and a friend had sat down right next to me (plenty of other space) to work. I can't explain why, and it is not about being picky or a baby. My brain actually begins to fail to reason/think spacially, organizationally- order of tasks in my head for simple things become completely scattered. I am hyper sensitive to people, and their emotions and their needs and when people are around I feel like that social, verbal part of my brain is active which competes with my ability to focus on organizing creation tasks in my head.
It is maddening. And unfortunately i am not equipped to work from home. working from home would be great during the day- but I come home in the evening to 3 female roommates, and one of them has the habit of telling stories back to back if she can finally get  me in a conversation with her. Several times I have been in 45 minute conversations, cooked all my food and eaten it all in front of the stove/standing up after a long day, and cleaning up the whole kitchen because she does not stop talking, there is no chance for me to slip out of the conversation. I just want to cry, or yell or disappear. Leave me alone, I just want to be alone. I want to not have any stimuli. No people, no stress, no work, no deadlines, no passing time, no performance, no smalltalk, no good talks about our feelings- none if it. please, I just want silence and nothingness for a brief moment.


People have finally learned to give me space- One week about a month ago, I had to catch up on a ton of big assignments in a week that I missed due to anxiety issues. After that week, I fell in a parking lot and gouged my left hand open. I went to the doctor for pain in my right hand after drawing so much that past week. I found out I sprained my left wrist, and strained/got tendonitis in my right drawing hand/wrist from drawing too much with no breaks. That made me very demotivated, and it was difficult to draw. on Tuesday night when I fell, I called my mom and completely lost my cool- crying hysterically. I was under so much stress with school, and there was no end in sight. My mood was so low, unpredictable. I worked 15 hours a day at school and still wasn't making all my deadlines. I was dealing with professors that treated me with stigma over my anxiety DSS accommodations letter. One of those professors ended up bullying me, and about 4 other very talented female students into dropping her class (long story.). That week, i hurt both my hands and was entering into severe PMDD. I got so depressed that i dropped the ball in the class I had just worked so hard to catch up in. I told my character design teacher (my favorite class) that I wouldn't be able to finish the assignment due to depression/anxiety (which I have accommodations for) and he was very harsh toward me for being irresponsible and should have notified him in advance (wtf, responsibly notify him in advance of a depressive episode). He also disreguarded that I had a doctor's note for my hands and still took the liberty to take out his disappointment on me.

I limped my way into spring break after that week and was just fucking done with it all. but I wasn't. I stayed up until 4am the first saturday of spring break praying, worrying about the BFA Town hall meeting, where we would have the chance to talk about the issues that have such a horrible impact on the students, and make a change. i later set up a meeting with students during spring break to get together and make a concise list to present as a class to the higher-ups (last year they talked over the students and nothing was resolved.) The town hall was not til the friday of the week we got back from spring break.

Thank GOD, however, praise the Lord cos he's so good and Jesus loves Digipen students so much: the town hall went absolutely as well as it could have. We brought up all the significant issues, like i mentioned before. I didn't have to press it- other students harped on the issues of severely poor mental health among our program. it was a heavy and depressing meeting, but it was everything that needed to be said. SO we are waiting for followup now...




Anyway, I just thought I would document where I am at, currently. Things will continue to get better. I started an ADD med which so far is not so great, but it does stabilize my mood somewhat, and curbs my anxiety. makes it easier to talk to people, and not be so sensitive to my environment, thank goodness.


Also, one last note; Jason is the most wonderful, faithful, kind, sweet, gentle, thoughtful person and has been there for me through everything, and leading the Digipen bible study FOR me, rather than with me, now, which has been such a blessing. I am so blessed and lucky to have him and I love him so, so so so so much. I  would not have gotten through this without him, not a chance.

update 5/12/14

I think I have been developing independence to a fault. It was so exciting for a while to learn boundaries/self control to some extent for the first time in my life this past year. It was necessary, but I think I have swung too far. Self-care has turned into hiding. I have been thinking about how the holy spirit "does not give us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline." I have fought for power and self discipline, but my heart for loving God and loving others has been absent for a while. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 says if I do not have love then I am nothing even if I have every other kind of deep well of knowledge, wisdom, faith, selfless behavior, whatever etc. i also think that if this is where my heart is at, then the power and self discipline i have found is likely to not be from God, and will soon prove themselves to be fickle and even damaging. 

i have developed a fair amount of fear/shame/pride/reluctance when it comes to asking people for help, on top of huge reluctance to "be there" for people." i have shrunk away from most of my relationships which is scary for me, because that has always been hugely out of character for me when under stress. 

i am worried about myself because i have been getting increasingly depressed/isolated/detached from the people in my life. i have had very sparse, weak attempts at spending time with God. i am totally unlike the person i was 9 months ago! I hate being in need of help, or being unable to help others. but i am forcing myself right now to ask for help, and ask for prayer against these lies i'm listening to, and the burn out/confusion i have been trying to recover from.

it's weird because i am around people who do not know how i have always been- very irresponsible, unreliable, spontaneous, but at the same time, very warm, loving, quick to encourage, etc. i feel that i have traded the good about me to remedy the things i hated about me, and i am left feeling very disoriented. i would like to reset. i need prayer to figure out where to go from here and that i would be reconciled with my circumstances and learn what God's heart is for me where i am right now. i want to re-learn how to love others, and how to receive love/help even though i have built up such a huge wall between me and so many people that i love. 

i also want to ask for forgiveness from the people who i have pushed away. i love you, and i am sorry!

yesterday my animation teacher, two other students and i all got to talking about how to get people who don't typically play games to PLAY games. and i thought about how animation isn't considered a fine art in america. animation is considered childish and art is often considered feminine. games at this point also haven't been considered a fine art outside the indie gaming community niche, though video game artists are hitting all of the intellectually and emotionally sensitive topics that american animation hasn't been able to hit as an industry (it's a market here.. not art). So, the rift between people who play games and don't play games... yeah. I was thinking about games as art. animation as art. what is art to a person who experiences it? what is art therapy? why do people get SO hooked on games, like a drug? perhaps we have never given games and animation the psychological foothold it deserves in our society. Art therapy is taken seriously, but why not games? Game therapy. What if a therapist could prescribe a game to walk a patient through a journey in grief, compassion, redemption? There is so much we haven't hit here, games should be for everyone and animation should be recognized as the powerful, limitless medium for communication that it is. art is powerful and the way we have compartmentalized it in the USA could possibly be inhibiting our development as a society.

this was all sparked by my teacher's mention of a game that digipen students made called "Solace," which was a game that took the player through the 5 stages of grief. it was so, so cool. you should look it up, it's pretty interesting. people who played it who recently had a loss said that the game was actually very powerful/calming to them. isn't that cool? the game was recognized for being innovative and excellently done, but of course no company would pay to have it distributed or anything like that. but it just goes to show that they really were on to something that non-"gamers" could benefit from. really cool.

a spontaneous update.... so, I really am going to Digipen Institute of Technology this fall. finally after two years i have a good school that will finally take me haha.


anything could happen, i want anything to happen..... i want a change and i want more of Jesus. I want to see the depths of his heart, to learn to actually LOVE God more, not only have more knowledge of him.
I am afraid of change and I am afraid of challenging things I have been hearing lately but I should be more afraid of my friends who are perishing and I should be more openly concerned than I am about what I really believe to be true... I want my best friends to be with me in heaven when we die, but I also so desperately want these friends of mine to know Jesus now, Jesus the only true lover of my soul. the love that gets me out of bed in the morning, that drives me to do anything at all.
I have a real sense of conviction that nothing, nothing at all is worth doing if it isn't for the sake of knowing God more, enjoying God more, and to love others more, and to invite others to know, love and enjoy God with me, as well. So I know God has gifted me with certain things and it so frustrates me to think about not truly knowing what he can do with me considering what he has equipped me with. I can't stand not knowing what it would be like to not live up to my potential -
but I am honestly stunted. I am a child of God but still some much in my mindset a product of my culture. I need to escape. I want to be a successful missionary in America. but how can I preach the coming of the Kingdom of God to a kingdom that is fleeting, when I haven't really fully experienced, known, understood the culture of the Kingdom i really belong toooooooo?????
i am disturbed by these things lately, as I am about to pick up and start over again- but this time I really won't know anybody! this year I was really so fortunate.
I am afraid and sometimes I mentally grasp, hoping that i will find some really strong Christian man out there to lead me and protect me, make me feel safe, help me understand, encourage me and have fun with me. but I realize that person is already in my life, completely, and his name is Jesus. I want to know him more. a few weeks ago I had an episode where I was so deeply discouraged about the future and the world before me. I felt this really deep, scary, physical "missing" of Jesus. i badly needed to be consoled, held, calmed by the lover of my soul, who knows me and loves me completely. but he is not here. i think of the way a girlfriend with a very long distance boyfriend would feel- she has the letters, the phonecalls, the memories and the assurance that he loves her, and she trusts him with her heart and her life. no one could ever replace or compare to him. ... .but she has no clue when he will be coming back. i know myself, that if i were in that position i would miss that person so much that i would struggle with temptation to look for him in other people.. within the past month I have experienced sudden feelings for not just one, but actually TWO friends of mine, after not having feelings for anyone for this whole year- knowing I didn't intend to stay here helped that. but these sudden feelings for these two friends of mine, i realized, revealed this even louder and deeper truth- that I was so enthralled by their character and convictions more than anything else about them. I didn't have much in common with them in particular but I realized I was crushing so hard because they reminded me of my true, true lover of my soul. I started to see glimpses of Jesus in them and it made my heart so affectionate for them both as friends, as brothers and as people I would so trust to follow as leaders. even in some ways, I felt afraid at the thought of being with someone like them- why does it sometimes seem like it'd be harder to 'follow' a Christian man who is crazy about Jesus, than we allow ourselves to perceive how challenging it would be to truly follow Jesus, the man himself??
That's so crazy. But I want that. And I realized that I felt emotionally exhausted just thinking of following a guy like that- because I would have to compromise and commit to an unpredictable element in my journey with God. I don't want that right now at all. I don't think that is something ever, ever to rush into, especially when I feel so convicted that God does incredible, insane, beautiful and unique things through single 20-something individuals who are sold out for him. And I want to be like that first! I think of Peter Rowan, and how extremely effective he was in his 20s as a single person. and now he's married to beautiful Melise Rowan, and they are an extremely effective couple and he is finally growing in God's timing through the sanctifying and challenging role of a husband and intimate spiritual leader to one woman. I feel like that's so much how it should be more often for 20 somethings. The independence someone has in this age range is so, so precious and to give that independence up to God's will ... that's when crazy things happen at colleges, in fellowships, in friendships....... Maybe I have just not experienced this first hand, but I have always been most affected by single leaders, or pastors and their wives who have made relationships their mission together. Perhaps couples minister to couples- that would make more sense, but I just wouldn't know about any of that because I've never been in a relationship. So... yeah. basically I, personally want to dedicate that independence to all sorts of different people, to lend my intimate encouragement to my friends and family without the distraction of building and preparing for 'the next step'. marriage, buying a house?! and kids?! marriage i can imagine a little bit. but the other two make me want to turn on my heels and run. no way jose. kind of off topic, but I do obviously think there is so much young marriage for Christians for the understandable and wise reason that , " it is better to marry than to burn with passion." so really part of me is just being stupid about something I really do not understand because I have never been in a relationship.. ANYWAY this blog post quality is seriously deteriorating as I keep writing because now I am rambling and getting increasingly TIRED and OPINIONATED at the same time which is not a good formula for a good, constructive, and thoughtful blog after so many months to prove I am becoming a sharper, more wise and lovely Christian lady


ok goodnight it is 3am.

GUYS..... after 2 years i finally got accepted to my second choice art school. a few of you know how stupidly grueling this has been for me, but i think all of you can appreciate this. so many cool and encouraging things have happened this week after such a desert. first, not so cool- i got extremely discouraging words back from the school i was rejected from twice, and that exposed that i have been a lot more discouraged, and believing so many more lies than i realized :/ i called the calarts portfolio room to ask when they were sending my sketchbook back, and i had like a 7 minute conversation with the girl who works there. she was so sweet and excited about being able to see so much student work. i remember i talked to her back in november,  and maybe even last year when i applied, too.
anyway, i got my sketchbook back in the mail on friday and i had just gotten back from work, feelin crappy. i sat in bed and wondered if i should even open the package and risk sinking into even more discouragement by seeing art i haven't seen in 6 months and become so ashamed of all my hard work failing. anyway, i opened it and did feel both sad and indignant at the same time looking through it feeling like numb and hopeless.

however, when i got to the back cover i saw i had written this journal piece that was one of my facebook statuses last semester:
"God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor's degree and finding a spouse. Desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but I'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him I have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. Even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating and identity shaking lesson to learn, I am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because I can't live up to my own expecations- and I know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with."

the random portfolio girl who I will probably never ever meet and talked to on the phone had snooped through my sketchbook and read it, and left me a 3 sticky note long letter in the back. it reads:
"Dear Lauren,
I came upon this journalling of ours as I prepared your sketchbook for return. It is beautiful wisdom and I thank you for the encouragement it is for me in this moment and day. Because I could SIMILARLY say, "God's purposes for a 30-something's life go way beyond getting a Master's degree and finding a spouse...." He is so good to each of his children, and I pray this note in turn will be a blessing to you. Even thru the darkest times, I have seen how He perfectly times and directs our steps. He will provide exceedingly for each of us, and be sure to lead us EXACTLY where H'es designed us to be. PRAYING joy and peace for you. By His grace and for His glory.
Dawn Givens (CalArts Portfolio Room)"

I just started crying because ... this is seriously the COOLest thing. I don't know if you can even understand how this is heaven meeting earth like a sloppy wet kiss. this letter is such an affectionate gesture of love. LA and CalArts are such extremely dark places and what an amazing thing it is for us to have made a connection on the back cover of my sketchbook, two women who may never meet, but who both look to Jesus as the light and lover we can trust in a world of such suffocating, seductive and convincing darkness. she has no idea how powerful her voice of encouragement is when i had been so wounded by just a stupid superprestigious school's evaluation of the gems of my heart. of course they are not the final word, but it is difficult trying to convince myself of that, when i had geared ALL of my efforts toward applying there and becoming 'good enough' for them and blah blah blah.

anyway, very good.
and then I had an amazing talk with my superfriend Hannah and she gave me such TRUE and affirming, also eye opening words i needed to hear- then I got a letter from my friend nikki also full of TRUE and affirming words i neeeeeded to hear. then tonight I got my acceptance email from Digipen Institute of Technology, which was my second choice school. it's in Seattle, WA and is most well known for its videogame development. cool and different, and i'm not sure if it's for sure yet but I'll have a better idea once I visit. i'm excited and relieved for a door to finally be open after all this time.
Tim Keller's church, Redeemer, has planted two churches in seattle that i am excited about. Digipen also highly doubt after searching around, has any sort of Christian community, so i think it would be cool to commute to some other university's RUF or something. because my RUF in richmond was a cool mix of college aged kids who didn't go to vcu, weren't in college at all, or had already graduated. so i am just excited to see what that will look like.
most of all I am just REALLY stoked for the opportunity to maybe be able to be the light for Jesus in a progressive, bitter and liberal city like Seattle, I think I really have a desire to see Jesus melt American hearts. because it seems SO impossible. with God, all things are possible. of course i am not cut out for that kind of scary ministry in darkness now but it's cool to think that God WOULD cut me out for it. I want LGBT people to fall deeply in love with the person of Christ that it turns lives upside down and heals deep scars. I want videogame obsessed 20 somethings to see the mind blowing beauty and purpose God offers in a relationship with him. I want to see prideful, wounded, insecure artists/musicians to find peace in God's truth. i want to see what happens when you let the gospel out like a lion to fend for itself - i don't want to be some sort of hero for anyone because i know i can't do that for people. but i do want to witness Jesus save people, and I want people to be saved from their sorrow and sin. I'm sick of it, and i want to face it and I want to see redemption. that could be anywhere but i'm glad that at least this door to digipen is finally open.
I haven't written here in forever but i honestly think it just wasn't a season for me to be writing much this past year. that's ok. but anyway i wanted to put this here before i lose the moment. dat's all.



(edit: I had realized when i posted this my most RECENT post on here, was the same quote in my sketchbook, and was right before I sent my sketchbook to calarts. cooool)

God's purposes for a young person's life go way beyond getting a bachelor degree and a spouse. desiring a purpose and a lover is natural and good, but i'm thankful Jesus loves me enough to pull me aside and show me that in him, i have both a purpose and a lover of my soul. even if it is the most disorienting, frustrating, discouraging and identity shaking lesson to learn, i am so tired of feeling unaffirmed and lonely because i can't live up to my own expectations- and i know that's something God doesn't want me to go on living with.

today

posted today , november 10th

-

out of the things i have either have a great aptitude for or just purely love, 

drawing, writing, exploring, speaking, singing, guitar playing, acting, FILM…

i chose animation as the thing to study. and sometimes i am confused by this path i’ve stumbled upon- and i often have a really heavy longing in my heart to just follow film or just follow…i don’t know. anything else. drawing doesn’t come as easily for me as the other things, but i am good at it and really love seeing how i have grown the past few years and i have learned a lot about myself, how to persevere, how to trust God, and how to be disciplined. it is still a process and i’m thankful for my weird journey this far that has side tracked me several times to learn more and more about myself. whenever things in my life come to a hault- i am initially very discouraged and full of self doubt. but i’ve seen that these situations often turn out to be events that lead to me knowing more about myself, and having more peace and confidence with who i am/what i can do/where i might be in the future.

i chose animation because it is, as i can see this far, the best possible way for me to incorporate all aspects of my creative outlets in one. it has been frustrating because i have so much to learn and i can only teach myself so much on my own. i've gone from being a big/odd fish in a small/differently odd  pond, to being a fish without any pond at all. I desire to learn from peers and mentors. but God hasn’t given that to me yet, and i don’t know if he will. I can’t even see if God wants me to stick with this- I try really hard to learn on my own and try to discipline myself artistically- a lot has come out of this semester, and it’s not over yet. my CalArts deadline is January 4th (i think) and other schools are Dec 1, and later in the spring. I have no idea what is going to happen and I can’t even tell if I am close to being prepared. It is difficult not having likeminded artists and instructors around me to help me out- that’s why i left my old school in the first place!

so. will you please pray for me, to have an overflow of the heart and mind in my art making this 1.5 months, so I can confidently put my best foot forward, and rest in whatever result- rejection or acceptance from any school, that I did everything I possibly could by completely putting my trust in God by being obedient with my time and actions and concepts… i need help and i need a movement in my spirit. i feel trapped a lot of the time. thanks so much for your support and love the past year. will you please ask God to break me and build me up to the best I can be for my portfolio submission. will you please pray for peace and no more doubt/confusion/reluctance.

thankya friends

snapping out of the affirmation blues

posted 2 days ago

God has been faithful to take away the idols in my heart that i’ve been clinging to for inspiration.

also in the past couple weeks it has become crystal clear why i am in colorado and not in California. 

i am finally okay with admitting i’m not ready, i have been seeking affirmation in all the wrong places, and that is why art has never been freeing for me, as an adult. i am not being affirmed by what the spirit of Jesus is doing in my heart- and i have been caughtup in whether I will be made adequate in the eyes of other people- i have discovered with my art that has been my biggest priority. 

i have tried to cleave as much as i can to philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

even though the world has been kind of rotting around me. family life is so extremely heartbreaking lately and i feel helpless to fix anything, because i absolutely know i cannot fix a single thing. all i can is try my best to love. and lately i want to spit in anyone’s face who wants to give me advice on dealing with my family because they don’t understand, and it’s between me, God and my family now and i am becoming increasingly ashamed of asking for outside help because i think i have begun to violate my family’s privacy. it was one thing when i was 3,000 miles away in a different state, but now i live in the same city as them. 

i want to shake off all of my self pity and live life as the free person i truly am, live as though i am not condemned, which i am not. i want to continue to leave all my sin and shortcomings behind, because I love God and i want to live a life of obedience to express my love for him. I am tired of the rotting world, of sex, of cynicism, of compromise, of daydreams, of fantasy, i just so desire for the true restoration of the world right in front of me. i sigh/swoon over the glory to come, and who God is going to have made me/my friends/my family even a year from now. I have no expectations any longer, which at first was the most painful bandaid to rip off, but now I have complete peace being clay in the potter’s hand. And I want to shake off any excess self pity and emotional baggage that doesn’t serve me well any longer. I have peace with not going to CalArts if that’s what it comes down to, even though it might sting. I have peace with not being the best, and I also am coming to peace with being starkly different from the artists around me who i compare myself to constantly. This weekend it felt as though I had snapped out of a spell. Suddenly I realized:

Yes. I am good at art, I am great at life drawing, my ideas are worth talking about and i have a gift with communication.

Yes, a lot of what I feel deep down and need to get out and express are extremely different and unlike what is popular. 

Yes, it’s okay to detest modern art, and I don’t have to become like them.

It’s okay to not have a thousand followers on my art tumblr, and people going gaga over my artwork.

I have a truly teachable heart that needs tobe even less defensive about my ego, but even more approving of my own artwork regardless of whoever else, or if no one else believes in it or likes it.

My desire to be completely affirmed by people around me, or by a school, people i don’t even know and don’t even know me, is a recipe for total emptiness of heart that absolutely needs to be replaced by a powerful overflow of joy and confidence that comes from being totally and completely affirmed by who Jesus has created me to be, and what he is doing in the world. If this doesn’t take place, I will never truly love art making, writing, anything, i will never truly love or respect myself because people’s love is fleeting and conditional. although I should always strive to make my craft absolutely excellent, I should do it for the glory of the one who made me, not for bringing glory to myself for what I have made or learned.

I can’t imagine if I were alone in California having the same struggle I have been having lately, and watching my family trudge through what is going on from a distance. I would have been completely crushed, broken and alone by now. But wow, seriously I am so blessed to have had all of my plans completely backfire in my face- and who cares if I have maybe embarrassed myself in front of peers of mine who might have thought, “I kind of knew it was a pipe dream,” or “i kind of had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen.” I used to care a lot. It was a huge feeling of rejection and failure, wondering if I had come this far because of my own pride or because of God’s providence.

I know that absolutely it was God’s providence. of course my pride drove me as well, but that’s going to probably even be a life long process, but right now he is digging it out of the depths of my heart and showing me how truly harmful it is for me to take approval from men, instead of living out of the approval i already have. it’s insane just because i always thought i knew that lesson. but there are layers of defensiveness in a person’s ego, to defend ourselves against being confronted with our nature of being estranged children of God, alone and enslaved to sin. the key word being: alone. unworthy of love. unable to receive love unless maybe, build something out of our own heads that might hold a feeble candle to the richness we have lost to prove we are worth something- anything. I am blessed to have seen straight through myself into knowing it doesn’t matter how good I am at art- my heart is dissatisfied with myself and no amount of human praise will ever be “enough” to ease that heavy feeling of inadequacy. 

so praise God for revealing to me that I am affirmed in his love and work in my life. I feel that things are already starting to change and I am making art as an overflow of that - things have been more relaxed. I need to be driven still, so if you pray will you please pray for me to fervently pursue artmaking, joyfully, this last month and a half until my portfolio for CalArts is due. I am also applying to other schools. God knows where he wants me, but i want to put my best foot forward for his glory, and to get into the practice of loving God, and loving art because I am free in his love. it is a very, very foreign concept to me- confidence in the Lord, pertaining to my actions. i am absolutely not there yet at all when it comes to art but things are finally moving.

thank you for praying for me if you have prayed. love you friends

oct 19

recent journals i thought i should post here:

i am finally sitting down to map out my deadlines for school applications, and i have had some tea, and my brain feels frazzled, i have bitten my nails so now they are jagged, and now i can’t stop picking at my face with my sharp jagged nails and it hurts a lot but i am stressed also i am losing my hair again (it looks nice longer like it is right now, but i knew this would happen) so i am going to have to start taking rogain again like freshman year!!! idk why i am losing my hair. freshman year i think it was stress related. perhaps it is health related. i just have a very delicate scalp ugh. but really like when i take a shirt off or something, i see like 5 hairs float in front of me that were torn off my head in that gentle touch to my head… and blowdrying my hair is awfffffulll . 

anyway i need to organize my life i have no idea where i am going to be in 6 months. need mercy, clarity, commitment and courage. sigh. helpp.

1 week ago

posting recent journals i should share here:

one of the worst states of heart is when you can hear the screaming sensation of helplessness and worthlessness over the powerful truth of being affirmed, loved and cared for no matter what. all life haults in this state of mind and nothing seems to move forward - even if things are moving, you are too asleep inside to notice. believe that you have a future, hope and love outside of the failures you think define you, even the successes that aren’t so dazzling that define you. i’ve got to stop comparing myself to my peer group and thinking i’m behind. i am more helpless & depraved than i give myself credit for, but in the Lord, it is a precious place to be, because he gives me all i truly need that has nothing to do with social hurdles. i think God pulled me aside to  renovate my heart that has always been just as desperate, but has been seeking out the wrong things to prove my worth. as long as that takes for me to learn, i have to be okay with because I’m never going to be okay with myself until I believe the truth, that I am affirmed, loved and cared for no matter what, regardless of what i deserve. 

about that keeping in touch thing

well! i have been really poor at keeping up this blog and i am really thankful and humbled that people say they've checked in on here to see how i've been doing. i want to apologize for not keepign in touch. i have journaled some on my tumblr, but not here. basically: since my last post on this blog, God has given me an incredible amount of PEACE about not being in california, and being in Colorado with my family. he has made it very, very evident why I should be here in the past months. He has provided in every way for me, socially, financially, academically and spiritually (although it has been a very different season of life compared to the past 3 years). emotionally he has also provided, because the beginning of my time here in colorado I had the worst mood swings, and I felt so inconsistent with my identity that there were days i felt very lost and untrusting of what I was doing with my life. I saw (and still, often see) myself in the midst of all of God's providence, and looking at myself, knowing that I was the weak link. so much that God has given to me, but still I can't take advantage of it to the fullest. I am taking a Westminster Confessions class at my church on wednesday nights, which has been incredible when it comes to laying out the foundations of reformed faith, and exactly why we believe then with scriptural evidence and opposing arguments. i have been learning a lot about things i have never really even wondered about before- and in the beginning of this class, it honestly shook my faith in God when it comes to his sovereignty vs his love. kind of typical struggle i guess for a Christian at some point- but i think it's a good and necessary challenge to think about. i felt estranged from God- things that were once so familiar, seemed very unfamiliar. but i heard someone say once that when you are in a season like that, have hope in the Lord because it just means that when you finally find your way back to familiarity, your knowledge, love and fear of God will be all the more rich. So I really have hope in that, but it has definitely been confusing.
i am going to post a few journals i have written sort of recently that I realized really belonged on this blog and NOT on my tumblr (because hardly any christian friends of mine follow that, but i am on it more often to brood about life haha). Tumblr is a very dark place sometimes and I recommend to those who do not have a tumblr, to not get one for the sake of your heart/mind/spirit, chasing a Philippians 4:8 life.

i can’t say much abot my life these days, because i have just been REALLY confused in many different ways. it feels like i am still attatched to God, but i have really had to let go of everything i called “me” and it’s pretty disorienting. I’m having a lot of theological questions , i don’t doubt that God is who he says he is, he’s perfectly merciful and perfectly just, and Jesus is more than enough to cover our sins. but just some other things. i’ve been worried about my christian friends who have just walked away from the faith. what does it mean for your faith to be “shipwrecked?” are we constantly shipwrecked or is this something else, something dire? 

I don’t know.

anyway, it’s good that i’m writing this in the morning, because I have just been having the worst mood swings lately, and it gets bad at night. I have found myself becoming more timid, less bold when it comes to talking about God, and that’s like- really uncharacteristic of me, i guess, but I have just had to confess that I need time to just be silent and ponderous right now. I have always had to sort out my walk with Jesus by talking about it, but i think lately I think God is just saying, be quiet, do what I tell you- watch, and listen to see what happens. I am faithful. 

anyway, i’m so confused. I have not stopped praying, I pray constantly, ad I don’t think this is a case of being “shipwrecked” at all. My heart, although discouraged, hardly as confident as it used to be, less full than it has been known to be, and it’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning and get excited about what’s ahead— my heart still wants God, wants Jesus and I know that only he can help me right now. My heart might have a default to disobedience in a lot of cases, and that’s hard to change, hard to shake off. but he really has lifted a huge burden from me that I’m now forgetting was ever there- I came into living here in Colorado, with a completely crushed spirit. my spirit still feels kind of crushed right now, but I’m not going to dwell on it, i just have to keep moving forward. although i can hardly, hardly envision at all where i will be even in the next 4 months, applying to all these art schools- when i am often completely devoid of a desire or passion for making art. but I think God is calling me to persevere on in this. i could be wrong. but i feel like this blockage is truly a heart problem, and a spirit problem. it’s hard to give it all up to him, for him to refine it, because so far, i’ve got nothing on my hands- which is scary and can be very demotivating.

oh well. what i do have is faith that he’s going to get me through this. not really an excited feeling, but i just know. he always comes through for me, literally always, and he always surprises me and melts my heart with affection for him. he loves me, though i feel my self being hesitantly trustful right now. anyway. my mind just psyches me out so much and tries to make me feel hopeless, depraved in spirit, when really i should probably just take a nap, go to the gym or do something productive instead of WORRY.

blah.

that’s all. Praise God for what he’s doign in my life and has already done in my life. the same God who I have been so in love with and so romanced by the past 3 years in richmond, is the same God in colorado, when I am confused, lazy, kinda depressed sometimes- starving  in my heart, but i feel like i’ve lost my appetite for the Word. <—-that’s the worst part of all of this, so if you could please pray for me, that’d be awesooome

update on MOVE

i know i haven't updated in a long time, and i'm sorry! i really hope i can muster the words to say, thoroughly without blabbering
currently trying to take a fb hiatus/tumblr hiatus because i realized it was making my brain seriously rot.

1.) visited santa clarita/L.A./CalArts and felt a very deep sense of love and belonging in the area, which i was not expecting at all (i could hardly picture any bit of this next step happening, could barely daydream about it)

2.) visited CalArts and was also astounded by how much i liked the campus and everything about the school i saw, which i was also not really expecting. went on a tour, and later barely got time of the character animation counselor, who spent time talking with me about my portfolio, and discussed news that all the reasons/opportunities i was planning to move to the area for, basically do not even exist anymore because a certain drawing professor died who was fine with audits, and even hosted life drawings on weekends open to nonstudents and such- and he offered an online portfolio workshop taught by a calarts professor. got very explicit advice, "if it's for connections with the industry, even getting a job- that's fine, but if i were you, i would NOT move to LA if it's just for CalArts."

3.) felt and knew in my heart that God was saying, "No" to this big move that I've been hoping in for so long. i suddenly was facing staying in colorado for a whole year with my family, which i perceived (and still, somewhat perceive) as my biggest nightmare. i felt anger, i thought i was mad at God but after a little while i realized i knew better than to be mad at God, because he obviously knows better than me, and that'd be ridiculous. however, i discovered an intense hate for myself, and frustration at myself. it's been really hard being disconnected from all of my christian friends, and it's been even harder trying to explain to people that God shut this door for now. i feel like i have lost my vision for now. I am having a hard time remembering the passion i had for this move before i left because i'm facing a great deal of doubt in myself - wondering, do i even want to do art? should i do art? have i been lying to myself all this time? along with a great deal of paranoia about my art even being worthwhile. anyway i won't go into much more detail but basically i just cracked open a huge lot of hate for myself that i have been sidestepping, telling God that I honestly don't know what brought me here- was it my pride or faith in you?

4.) God really did bless this trip in incredible ways, such as the timing to the airport- i left my phone in the car, so we missed our flight, after being blessed with the very front parking spot in a couple-acre large extended-stay parking lot (very cool) and southwest let us fly on the later flight for free - which was within their policy, but it was still just a very stressful venture of being reminded the whole trip taht God was in control. my Mom and I prayed before everything, including walking into stores & restaurants, gas stations to buy maps, blah blah.
We also were blessed with a few divine appointments-

first- we visited John MacArthur's church, Grace Community Church, and i awkwardly chatted up a couple in the visitor's lounge, and the husband said he was just visiting for the day, but he typically went to a church called Bel Air Presbyterian, which specifically ministered to the entertainment industry (and the majority of the congregation have jobs in the industry.) that pumped me up because i wasn't expecting to hear that music in my ears, ministry to the entertainment industry.
we visited that church in the evening.

second- my friend David, who wrote one of my letters of recommendation, who works for dreamworks, went to calarts and is also a Christian, so happened to have a Christian, female friend who had a room in her apartment up for rent (which was thrilling to me. all the housing options i had left felt very unsafe/sketchy/were really far away/didn't feel right) . although at this point i was starting to feel that God had already dropped the ball, i guess he wasn't finished blessing our trip in intentional ways. I visited David's friend, Holly, who lived in a neighborhood right beside CalArts. She showed me around and we chatted for some time- she was 10 years older than me when i thought she was only 3 years older than me. even though i shared with her i wasn't positive i was moving to the area any longer, she was just a great breath of fresh air, was encouraging and extended a genuine contact of friendship next time i was in the area. Holly was SO. AWESOME.

third- weirdest one, but my mom and i were in starbucks the last day of our trip, and right as my mom was going to leave me to run an errand, a woman my mom's age sits down two tables away, in tears, and asks mom to please sit with her. The woman poured a sugar packet into her mouth and was drinking some fluid- she was just having a bad bloodsugar crash and was afraid she would faint. mom checked her pulse and sat with her while she collected herself, and they already seemed like they clicked as friends in a span of 10 minutes. anyway, we all got talking and it turned out the woman was a Christian and went to that church, Bel Air Pres- and just had several rooms in her house open up for rent. she had a 15 yo daughter, and two sons who both were in christian colleges in LA. we shared info, and a few hours later, my mom and i found ourselves in the beautiful secluded mountains of northern LA praying to God that this family wouldn't be murderers or anything, because it was such a weird happening that we were where we were. anyway, we visited the house and it was extremely beautiful. I met her daughter and one of her sons. even though it was likely i would not ever live there, it was an extraordinary detour just to make some real friends, especially her son Josh, who offered to help me find friends next time i was in the area. (who, by the way, is the reason why [besides the Almighty God of the Universe having other plans for me this year] i would probably definitely never live there because he was way too cute)(and also he said he dated the niece of one of the creators of phineas and ferb)(who are also christians)(he also offered to introduce me)(cool)

5.) with all of those opportunities at CalArts no longer available, it became evident the cost of me living in California completely outweighed the benefit. though God gave me an extremely good view of the area, and made me fall in love with it, i just guess it's not time yet.

i'm back in colorado, feeling somewhat like i have no idea who i am or what i'm doing or why im doing anything
i want to have a soberminded look at myself. i want to know if i can do this, and i don't want to waste anymore time. i was having a great deal of anxiety this whole trip about how i look very young and no one takes me seriously- mixed with the embarassment that i'm 21 and i still have nothing to show for the past 3 years of school.
honestly, all i really want is to go to CalArts and LEARN things, and be around other artists who inspire me and make me feel small/humble in a healthy way. i'm applying to other colleges, but im going through the same notions as a highschool senior (which my little brother will be this year, by the way) , the notions i never went through because i was literally handed VCUarts on a platter, after thinking i would have no future (especially not in art)

it's just going to be very difficult, and a huge challenge to stop looking so much at myself, and my shortcomings and limits, and CONTINUE to look at the unfailing love and hope in Jesus Christ. I want to be the best I can be, but i find myself foolishly being afraid i'll never be the best- which is an idol, and it really is hurting me. As I'm spending time alone out here in Colorado, with my family all day, my thoughts drift to Richmond, and without even trying, just replay all these stupid, embarrassing, mean or weak things i did to/in front of people. i wonder about how stupid/naive people secretly see me as- when the truth is i will probably never see a ton of them ever again!

anyway. everything said, i still want to remember everything God has done in my life and given me an excitement for- and that's glorifying God and trying to reflect his light in the midst of darkness.

all i know right now is to keep trying to achieve my dreams/vision of being an artist, but sometimes i still just don't know. I'm clay in his hands. i really need to listen to him and spend time in the Word, but that has always been so hard for me, because i always have so much doubt that i'm going to hear him loud and clear . i don't have a bible study yet. i'm blessed to have 2-3 friends here , though i seldom see them.

i'm going to try to take the CalArts portfolio prep course, and take an life drawing class in CO that encourages ART MAKING FOR ONCE ///// i need to find the right one though- with a good teacher (afraid of wasting time/ not finding the right one - do you hear how i sound really unfaithful right now blgehh)

buying a desk and setting up a space in my house/room, and trying to just make art and try to enjoy it instead of being so freaking stressed out and hateful of myself all the time when i'm drawing. i want to enjoy art again, and know what it means to be an artist, i want to be fruitfully carefree, meaningful with my words/art and wholesome.

i want inspiration, friends.. hope, and faith, growth. purpose.

my mom pointed out that this year is pivotal for our family, so it is interesting to see what God's purposes are for me staying here in that aspect- possibly the last year of my parents' marriage. (pray for true healing.) thomas is graduating high school.

and i am going into my second year off of college, feeling clueless & fruitless

thank you, friends for your support and prayers, it's sad and this is a turn of events i wasn't expecting but i was telling my friend bekah that when i got back from santa clarita, i almost felt mad about the peace i felt about staying in CO. but i do have peace. i just don't know what to think/ and i feel stuck, scared, confused and very discouraged.
i am, however, determined not to lose focus. this is a very important time i'm going through and i am not going to just wallow forever and feel like crap. i need to move forward, put God first, remember my Ebenezer stones, and persevere through the confusion and trust in him.
i know this! it's just hard, ya know.

it's easy to fail i don't want to be a failure!
i want to love, know, trust and glorify God,
love others,
and not worry!

i haven't really talked to many people about all this so if you have anything to say or any scripture to share, i'd love to hear it. whoisoliver@hotmail.com

Things are NOT going well with moving to Valencia. money is a problem. car is a problem, and no one is replying to me about these housing options. :( please pray

growing up sucks and i’m stilllll not doing it right

everything you missed and i neglected to post about in all these past months: Also, went to Young Life summer camp with my high schoolers before I left and it was the best week of my life.
I have moved away from Richmond and am currently in my parents' kitchen in Colorado. Yes it was sad to leave, and Colorado is alright, and things are becoming more and more unsure about my plans to move to Valencia- barely moving... but moving, somewhat, I guess, kind of.

(I'm moving to Valencia to audit classes at CalArts or take classes other places in LA with CalArts professors, and reapplying to CalArts character animation. I have no guarantee that I will get in. My friends, family and I have all been praying for a year on where I should move from Richmond and this is where it all has brought me)

Praise God cos i finally sold my washer and drier, allthough it was for way less than i wanted :( but i guess it’s for the right people andddd i hope blablhblah,.

feeling really really really badly about myself lately on pretty much every level of my self esteem.

realized a couple days ago how much i SHOULD NOT live by myself in Valencia, realizing that when i spend too much time away from people my age, I start getting really bad anxiety when put back into social situations. also it helps to be around motivated people, especially students, because i can honestly get pretty lazy and messy and i don’t want to just hide it in the comfort of my own room.

i am NOT an adult :( i have so much to sort out in myself. How am I going to do this portfolio in a semester. I feel extremely discouraged. I know God has my back, but it’s so freaking exhausting not knowing what’s going on, literally ever. I don’t even know when I’m going out to Valencia anymore because of my Dad’s business trip Aug 1-4… I’m so unprepared, now that I realize how I really need to/want to live with people my age, and how truly immature and not ready I am for any of this, yet I’m doing it anyway. I am feeling really alone lately and I hate this wall of such an immature trait in myself when it comes to bible study. I’m SCARED at how unprepared I am spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, academically for this next year. I am clinging to God because only he can get me through this and give me anything good at all. because if I didn’t have that hope, I’d be making the most idiotic, hopeless, pointless move ever. I hate putting hope in myself because it always starts to feel rotten in my heart, i’m feeling so extremely stupid lately, uneducated, uninformed, uninspired.

just as always I am back to having NO IDEA what i am doing with my life. I am aiming for animation at CalArts because I have nothing else. I am going to apply to other schools, still, but I don’t think I am going to be happy just learning animation and not the whole storytelling crap. I would think about film school but i don’t know. for now i just feel kind of fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, young, unaccomplished, self conscious. I don’t feel like a failure. I just feel very, very, very LOST and confused.

please pray for me, pray that I will FIND ROOMMATES that I can love, and will love me, and that we can bring out the best in each other, somehow, inspire each other- it’s so late in the game but i KNOW God can provide!! HE ALWAYS has been so so so faithful to answer roommate prayers in the past- I am just desperate for answers soon!!

please pray for inspiration, the right drawing class(es) to take, that they’d be affordable, that I would LEARN LIKE NEVER BEFORE!! that it would turn my world upside down and bring out something DEEP in me… that i would truly, truly truly change, and immerse myself in good things, good books and comics and movies and shows, and find what I like and have meaning in everything I do. I don’t want to make vain art.

PLEASE PRAY that I finally overcome this extraordinarily embarrassingly senseless problem I have with reading the bible. That I would find the right church, the right bible study, and that I would have th holy spirit and the teaching to point me to how to have a deep personal relationship with God’s word. PERSONAL** being the key word.

please pray that I find a job that actually pays a lot and provides for all my needs, that can inspire me, that I can learn from, where i can meet people who can be my friends and vice versa, that i can have meaningful relationships with all my coworkers. i have never really had to pray to God for money like THIS before, but i DO NEED MONEY.

please pray that I can get the right car. me and my dad are trying to figure this out now. i think a lot of when i can even get out to Valencia rests on when I can get this car, cos we are driving out there.

PLEASE PLEASE PRAY THAT I WOULD BE ABLE TO POUR EVERYTHING INTO THIS PORTFOLIO! I”M SO FREAKING TIRED OF NOT BEING IN SCHOOL AND BEING AIMLESS!!! PRAY FOR DIRECTION, DRIVE AND HOPE!! I pray that I lay down all of my sin and anxiety and not listen to what Satan tells me I am, or can’t be, and listen to what Jesus promises - that i can do all things through him who gives me strength. I also pray that all of this business, fear, doubt, and self-deprecation, would only be a phase, and that I would be on fire for the kingdom of God above all things, and that would be my drive for all of this. that i would not put my hope in myself, a school, a portfolio, car, class, job, or roommate, but only in Jesus.

thanks guys and I will continue to try to keep you guys posted regularly on answers to prayer and stuff. i love you guyss

i just feel like it'd be fantastic to cry. like have a really good cry. i feel so apathetic about everything lately even though so much is on my shoulders and i have so much to do, sort out, pray about, act on. i don't want to do any of it and i have no capacity for anything good, only selfish things, i hope i am resting but i don't feel prepared or focused to go out and do anything. gotta sell all my stuff gotta make a crap ton of money to go to YL camp gotta look for jobs gotta talk to my dad even though family times are in a weird spot, about moving/visiting california gotta find housing gotta figure out when i'm leaving/how to make all the money i need i have $2 in my bank account, i live paycheck to paycheck, and i can't afford frivolous things, i don't know what's going to happen. i know God is going to provide. i just want to cry about it. i want some emotions, sad or happy, anything but the self loathing and overwhelming feeling i am avoiding..i don't know. i just want to be broken so i can be built back up again even stronger and prepared for what's to come, but i'm in a likely-to-be-short season of self-preservation. i don't need to do that though. mostly i just don't know WHERE to start, and i have NO idea where go to for help, my prayer is weak. i have NO IDEA HOW TO GROW UP AND PICK UP AND LEAVE TO ANOTHER STATE when i ahve no money but sure as hell need to get out of richmond. everything is just super annoying and i don't know what to do. i just want to sleep all day. :/

when i'm found in the desert place, when i walk through the wilderness, blessed be your name

wondering what it'd be like to literally pick up and leave all my friends, my family, my job/coworkers, high school friends, my roommates, my church, my school, my room, old art, clothing, worry and comfort behind to find out if what Jesus promises is true, that i can do all things through his strength, that he will always be with me even when all falls away? is it possible that this has been my desert place, and leaving everything i've ever known to follow Jesus, even when it brings me to those seemingly desolate places, is how i'll find the living water i need to bring true growth to my pruned, barren vines?

it's terrifying on my lips to say that i think i'm about to find out in 2 months.

it's like Jesus sweating blood when he realizes God has already forsaken him in the Garden of Gethsemane, and the cup is not passing from him. he has to go through hell to conquer death, come alive again and give all those who were lost a way back into God, into heaven, into life.

i'm already descending into the valley, but You are with me. You're always with me. You are my rock and my stay. You love me and all things will work together for my good. I so desire for my friends and family to be saved, but not just that, but to fall desperately in love with Jesus and see how he is perfect and holy, sufficient in his love to restore this twisted world, and our twisted, desolate hearts. I love Jesus so much. Take the whole world, but give me Jesus. If he's leading me to the desert to find living water, so be it, he will carry me there. He always has, and I am choosing to trust that he always will.

Matthew 10:17-31 speaks to meeeee. I to follow Christ like a child, trusting that my parent will provide when i leave behind all things. in my Father, there is provision and love, and i trust him to give me everything i need.

all of this i believe, and i know is true in my heart, but that doesn't mean i'm not extremely sad, scared and overwhelmed looking into the abyss i see before me.

not driven, just desperate. rejection from CalArts response

i am extremely desperate. for answers, mercy and consolation from something outside myself. :( not a particularly bad place to be because i know things are moving forward, it's just scary finding myself peering into such pure uncertainty. i want to cry because the refiner's fire burns me, but i know i'll come out as something beautiful. but i'm not going to lie. as exciting as it is, there are the moments where it's scary and it hurts. yet, God commands us to not fear, to be strong and courageous. because of his love for us, he doesn't give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. without him i wouldn't be able to leave my house, let alone pick up and move forward in any aspect of my life.
i know myself and by nature i am a miserable failure, full of doubt, dispair, laziness and fear. i would be suffocated and spineless.
but jesus took those things with him to the grave. it is no longer I that live, but Christ who lives in me. looking at the fact that i am a somewhat competent artist and adult for my age makes me tremble in awe of how much Christ much have overcome in order to bring me to anything good- so much good.
each hour of the day is different. just a while ago i was going to write something completely different, and much more light hearted and hopeful- today i have been crushed with an onslaught of hope for the future, but the wider the door opens, the more i am gently nudged towards jumping out into an open abyss of possibility. possibility of failure, of debt, of hopelessness, friendlessness, rejection, and time wasted. and yet, at the same time, the possibility of trusting that what God promises me is true, that he is always with me and will never forsake me.
I'm choosing to trust, because I have nothing else. i have nothing left to do but to run as fast as my body can take down the aisle into Jesus' love and trust that through him, i can do all things because of his strenght and not my own. i have enough proof to know i have no strength of my own, and without him i'd just wander into dead places to rot. but He sees me and knows me, knows who I am meant to be and he has dug me out of those dead places and breathed new life into me. he saw me when i was unseen, lost and alone and loved me, so much that he'd die to buy me back into his family, to have the same inheritance as him, eternal life, beginning the second I let him into my heart. I'm living eternal life now.

I have so many feelings surrounding this time of my life and almost all are good. it's just so intense I can barely handle slowing down to contemplate the hopelessness outside of trusting that if God has taken me this far, he will surely take me infinite miles more.


the week preceding my rejection, the song Jesus, I My Cross Have Taken was heavy on my heart.
the first verse especially completely sums up everything I am feeling about all of this.

Jesus, I my cross have taken,
All to leave and follow Thee;
Destitute, despised, forsaken,
Thou from hence my All shalt be.
Perish every fond ambition,
All I've sought or hoped or known;
Yet how rich is my condition!
God and heaven are still my own.


on top of that, at our Prayer for VCUarts meeting the night before the morning I got my decision email, I finally was honest with myself and with God in front of my friends. I told them I was sick of waiting. Talking about CalArts was like rotting soil in my mouth, i felt i was like spewing garbage. My life has felt as thought i've been on hold for 2 years and I continue to project a wishful, expectant face, when I am growing a spirit of desperate contempt for myself as my patience wore and wore. I was hungry for God's answer. I didn't care what it was anymore, I just wanted his words to me, the final word of direction. I didn't know what to say. I could barely get out the words.
when we were done praying, my friend wrote down a psalm on a panera receipt that he read recently that helped him through a large lot of anxiousness and uncertainty. I went home, didn't open my computer like i usually do, feeling emotionally drained. I opened up Psalm 143, and began to read the very words of my heart in front of me, the words i couldn't say after about a week of dry prayers.

Psalm 143
"Oh Lord, hear my prayer. Listen to my cry for mercy. In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgement, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground, he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead, so my spirit grows faint within me! My heart within me is dismayed! I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, oh Lord, my spirit fails! Do not hide your face from me, or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, oh Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your good spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, oh Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant."

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."
in the morning, the email was in my inbox. i couldn't breath for like 30 seconds-

"answer me quickly" was the part that felt like the big sigh i had been holding in for a year. and praise God for relieving me the very next morning. Thank you God. it was a sweet, bittersweet hug from my heavenly father. I haven't mentioned this to a lot of people but I had to go to work 30 minutes after I opened the decision email with my mom on the phone. We cried some.
I don't know how to explain it but that morning, in the shower, as I was getting ready, when i went to work, I had this incredible feeling I have only very seldom felt. I felt the most tangible love I have ever felt from God, I think. I felt him hold me as I emotionally collapsed after this marathon my heart has been running all this time. I cried because I felt so loved in the arms of a Father who knows me so deeply and loves me, and has promised to give me everything if I ask in his name. And I was so certain I had asked it all in his name, and this was it, him giving me what I asked.
I didn't ask to get into CalArts, but to be drawn to a place where I would know and love him more. And he has done exactly that, given me the grace to be back at the foot of the cross, desperate for his love that flows freely without end. it felt like putting on fresh new skin. a fresh, new heart.

The whole time I was waiting to hear back from CalArts, I didn't want to boast about tomorrow at all, because I knew the fat possibility of me not getting in, despite so many people, including CalArts folks, assuring me of my adequacy and acceptance to the school. Many people said to me, if you don't get in, it just means God has something better for you.
whenever people would say that, i'd just quietly think, there really isn't anything better than CalArts, that's the thing. I couldn't, and still can't imagine anything better than CalArts after everything I've sought. and yet, i barely let myself admit, maybe that is the point. The rejection that may come would be God saying, the worth of knowing Christ surpasses the worth of anything else in this world. your richest gain you can count as loss, compared to knowing how I love you.

Philippians 3:8
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..



So, the golden vision of going to CalArts and being transformed into a animation superstar, i can basically count as complete garbage in light of knowing Jesus. honestly, none of it matters without Jesus. I do art because God refines me with it, and sanctifies me through the trial and error, and incredibly difficult searching of my own heart- led by his spirit. I want to be more like Jesus. And that is what he has given me. I wouldn't trade it for anything. so PRAISE GOD and i thank him so much for giving me Jesus and hope. he has given me something better, when i couldn't believe it existed. I don't now what it means or what it is, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.



I have been praying and have so far been encouraged to consider applying again, like many CalArts character animation students had to do before getting in. I don't want to be foolish, but if you read all this, will you please pray for me, and ask God to show me clearly what to do, and give me peace and confidence in any decision, and that it would be an act of pursuing HIM, and not a dream that ultimately is complete garbage in comparison to his love.


I am exhausted from writing all this, but I needed to share this with you guys. because it is GOOD news. we are rejected by the world, but ACCEPTED by God, and into heaven. pray that his kingdom come on earth right now, just as it is in heaven. Jesus is the resurrection and the life, and we have him NOW. it's exciting to step out in faith to see what that truly means.
Thanks for loving me and know that all of this, is YOURS too, and it's not by works but by faith in Jesus Christ. your identity is not in your profession or relationships or art. it is in Christ, as God's sons and daughters. remember that and remember that God commands us to rejoice. Grace came in the form of a blameless man dying on a cross- sometimes grace in your life will be hideous and painful, but know that life will come out of it.





i'm done, i love you, good night. Praise Jesus. new chapter.

wanna be as beautiful as ya make me feel

so stupid being quietly unrequited because it's comfortable, wise and safe. but there's nothing else you can do but wait, pray... and rot in your heartsquish.
no i dont love someone in richmond.
pointless love for people i so admire and long to be like, long to be respected by like i burn with respect and admiration and attraction and other good feelings towards.
i miss the days when this attraction spurred about action in my heart instead of this awful crappy feeling where my butt feels eternaly cemented to my bed, my laptop cemented to my lap, my heart cemented to you, and also, the floor, squashed beneath your cooler pair of shoes. i want to be with someone who makes me want to be better and believe that i can be...someone whose respect i desire, and can practically attain,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i want to be the kind of person i wish i could find since that is likely to not happen for a long while, which is fine, i really hope i get into cal arts, and if i do i will probably be going through intense changes and i have no idea how different i might become just after a year. i'm kind of scared. i already feel sad sometimes thinking, like sara quin would say, "remember when i was so strange and likeable? nothing like this person, unloveable."
the things i want in a man are like, really pointless for me to list because all of them for me are half hearted. i don't care. i just really desire to be with someone whose personality slams mine with compatibility and our faiths mesh together so well and that we would edify each other and glorify God with our relationship and love others through it and keep each other accountable and blahb lah blah blah blah it doesn't matter because this is going to happen because God loves me and knows my needs. although i'm super in love crush with an unattainable, really wonderful person whom i have prayed for every day for a while now,, it is relaxing having a season wher ei ahve completely let go of the hope of clicking with someone. after meeting this person i was freshened with the realization that this, this is what i should wait for. except more. now everything pales in comparison and it is actually fantastic. i won't fall in love unless it hits me like a train hits a stupid unsuspecting deer caught in its headlights. really stupd post but i'm tired and sad and i long for this person so much but haha its great because unrequited love is great inspiration for art and whatever and i'm not complaining but ugh sigh can't help but want part of this person to belong to me, even though i have never known what that looks like, but whatever dawg
i just love him T_T i want him to be okay and know Jesus