this is kind of an embarrassing story and makes me look really lame and not fun, but MIND YOU I LIVED IN THE DESERT FOR half my life so shhh
anyways
i went snowboarding today at Keystone, and at the end of the day we did night ski. i ended up living out the weirdest metaphor ever for how God is the ski patrol and how i tried so hard for so long to get down the cold, dark, lonesome mountain after my friends left me (very understandably though haha), but had no idea how. never learned to do anything else except heelside which is lame, but after some time left me in excruciating pain. so i was in pain/had no idea what i was doing or how i was going to get down considering my body couldn't do what i needed it to do, and on top of that, i ended up getting very lost and ended up walking probably a mile n a half in boots which made me see that i needed the ski patrol and also that i am neither a skiing or snowboarding person, but a hiking downhilll and awkwardly talk to strangers person. all 3 people i encountered walking downhill all encouraged me in the weirdest ways, were all different but layering influences that eventually made me realize that that was what the ski patrol was for- that all i had to do was overcome my pride and admit to someone, the only person who could really help me, the ski patrol operator, that i simply could not do it. i was in pain. i was lost. i was in over my head and had nooo flippin idea how much longer i would have to walk if i didn't call
i earlier on the trial went to the emergency phone and thought about using it- but it was big, red, daunting and had a lock on it. i figured my problem was too small and they had better things to do than to help me, someone who basically gave up. so i kept walking- at one point some lady crashed right beside me and asked me about where the gondola was- looking like she was ready to give up, too. i told her i "wasn't feeling well" and she said, "oh honey. you don't plan on walking all the way down do you?" went on to say that i had at least a couple miles ahead of me. i let on to her that i just simply couldn't snowboard any more. she ENCOURAGED me to call the ski patrol- that's what they are there for. i was like wat. and saw that another emergency phone was right across the way from me. i didn't miss my chance- the ski patrol is never far. all i had to do was call. i ran over, and when i called i apologized explaining i wasn't really injured but didn't know how, and couldn't get down the mountain on my own. the guy told me it was totally fine and that they got calls like that all the time. i was relieved to know that i didn't have to be missing a limb in order to call.
i guess i was under the impression they were going to bring one of those snowmobiles legit looking with lights and poo poo. but instead, a single man showed up and addressed me by name, he told me his name was joe and pulled up a safety sled that i didn't realize was a safety sled. he was going to carry me down.
i got in and he warned me to put my goggles on cos his skis would kick up snow. he told me to hold on, and we started moving and it was really fun and nice and cool and realized it was pathetically and hilariously the most fun i had since being there that day, and i wished i had done it sooner. THEN: we came to the steep part of the run, and he warned me that he would have to go "a bit faster in these parts, so hold on." at this point i became scared, but had no choice but to fully have faith in him and trust him that he would protect me and make certain that i wouldn't get flung into the woods to get impaled by a tree. to someone who had only ever loafed down a hill heelside, he was going SO SO SO FAST. i was impressed, worried, scared, but also realized that he knew what he was doing a thousand times more than i ever did on my decent. i then let go of my fear and let him carry me, and i just enjoyed the ride and being pelted in the face with the powder from under his skis.
when we were finally done, i had just got done having this epiphany that God put me on that damn mountain to experience some sort of physical analogy of what it is like to walk in our sinful, helpless, aimless state,(i was in pain, lost, alone and confused). but he also wanted me to physically feel the thrill, fear, joy, relief that comes with placing your trust in Christ, the only person who can save us- who is always there, will always come to us, is never far.but in light of what condition we are in, and seeing what is available to us in Christ, what we NEED is this:
to first REALIZE that we are helpless and unable to make the decent demanded of us on our own, and second, to REALIZE that the emergency phone is there for that very reason, and lastly to PICK UP THE PHONE, and tell the operator your emergency, no matter how pathetic you think it might sound.
life after that phone call includes a warning- that God might be fun for a while, but trusting in him to carry you also includes trusting that his knowledge, his love, his will and thoughts are much beyond our understanding (Isaiah 55:8) we do not know the decent like he knows it. we do NOT KNOW HOW TO SNOWBOARD. WE DON'T. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SNOWBOARD AND I LOVE JOE THE SKI PATROL GUY and when i got off the thing, like i said, i just had this mind blowing awkward spiritual revelation while he was sledding me down the mountain, and so i think i may have thanked him too much. just kept saying thank you so much i'll remember this and ended up walking away without my board and he was like derp hey don't forget your-- oh yes i might need that thank you joe hey thanks again, seriously thank you so much, thanks, thanmk you, thanks so much, than aksdahtk athanks thatskansfaw;elh
some of us might be missing limbs, have broken equipment, be lost, have a stomach ache, have hypothermia or have become just plain exhausted to the point of tears from the endless trial and error that comes without a teacher. but all of us have one thing in common that the ski patrol understands and is compassionate towards- we can't get down the mountain on our own. we need the ski patrol. we need God's grace, we need Jesus.
praise God
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
zzzzzzzZzzZzz
so i put off my final animation project until the last possible minute. that minute is right now, and i came all the way to the library to scan my images because my scanner doesn't work, don't want to use hannah's, etc, blah, blahblablha. the library is 24 hours this week, but the media center IS NOT! if i was not a Christian i would be havinga complete life melt down, but no, right now i am sitting on the 3rd floor of the library having some real peace.
i think one of the most exhilarating things about my faith is being reminded again and again how intentional God's plan is. I think sometimes, he definitely makes it way more obvious to me, over other people, what he's up to- which is a huge blessing, that he has given me a heart that sees him moving,especially in the hard times- times like right now. but seriously so many events in my life are so interlaced it blows my mind. God is living for me, through me-- and he's proven it so many times but still i doubt and i worry about carrying myself. blablhbalha.
liek this morning- i woke up 40 minutes later than i wanted to- then i biked here to campus, and ran into nicole little. i think that every time i see nicole little, i know it is by absolutely no means an accident haha. i love her so much and we both got to encourage each other for our final test/project that morning, and neither of us had slept muchh hahaha. so seeing her was just encouragement alone that everything is in his timing. i'm sitting here in the library, exhausted and about to cry just because he's so good and faithful and i should have failed ten times over by now, but i'm still afloat. i can't wait for this month.... i feel like there is no way it can't be the best month of my life- just because i really want to turn it over to spiritual rest and renewal- not just escape.i am so blessed to have this opportunity to go home, because i need it so badly. i'm so blessed to have my family and my few amazing friends in Colorado- i have never been so encouraged as i was over Thanksgiving break. i was completely astounded when reminded of what it is like to be loved by others selflessly. meleia, when i apologized for not writing her back and being bad at keeping in touch, just told me to shut up and that she hadn't heard my voice in person for four months and that she didn't care, all that mattered was being there now. SEIROUSLY THAT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE SWEETEST THINGS ANYONE HAS EVER TOLD MEEEEEEEE AHHHHHHBALHGAH.last summer was amazing.. i just want to sleep right now urhg.
night night
jk finishing project thankyouGod
i think one of the most exhilarating things about my faith is being reminded again and again how intentional God's plan is. I think sometimes, he definitely makes it way more obvious to me, over other people, what he's up to- which is a huge blessing, that he has given me a heart that sees him moving,especially in the hard times- times like right now. but seriously so many events in my life are so interlaced it blows my mind. God is living for me, through me-- and he's proven it so many times but still i doubt and i worry about carrying myself. blablhbalha.
liek this morning- i woke up 40 minutes later than i wanted to- then i biked here to campus, and ran into nicole little. i think that every time i see nicole little, i know it is by absolutely no means an accident haha. i love her so much and we both got to encourage each other for our final test/project that morning, and neither of us had slept muchh hahaha. so seeing her was just encouragement alone that everything is in his timing. i'm sitting here in the library, exhausted and about to cry just because he's so good and faithful and i should have failed ten times over by now, but i'm still afloat. i can't wait for this month.... i feel like there is no way it can't be the best month of my life- just because i really want to turn it over to spiritual rest and renewal- not just escape.i am so blessed to have this opportunity to go home, because i need it so badly. i'm so blessed to have my family and my few amazing friends in Colorado- i have never been so encouraged as i was over Thanksgiving break. i was completely astounded when reminded of what it is like to be loved by others selflessly. meleia, when i apologized for not writing her back and being bad at keeping in touch, just told me to shut up and that she hadn't heard my voice in person for four months and that she didn't care, all that mattered was being there now. SEIROUSLY THAT WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE SWEETEST THINGS ANYONE HAS EVER TOLD MEEEEEEEE AHHHHHHBALHGAH.last summer was amazing.. i just want to sleep right now urhg.
night night
jk finishing project thankyouGod
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sex
i am physically a virgin but my mind is far gone. i must say i’ve come to a point to where everything sexy, sexual, devious, seductive is just boring to me now. it is so shoved down my throat that i need acceptance from other people, and that the chief aim of everything i do is to be sexually attractive to both men AND women who measure themselves against me, and i against them. that sort of victory of being the best, the prettiest, the sexiest is just tasteless in my mouth. it is nothing anymore. sex has become boring. i have become bored with myself, with my body and with my mystique. when i see myself in the mirror i have no opinion anymore. it’s just flesh and bones, a blur of things necessary for my survival. don’t know how i can play that up, so i just don’t. i think i have successfully dodged that sort of judgmental limelight so many girls become trapped in, but i feel that if i didn’t have christ, what i’ve come to in my sexuality would be extremely depressing. but no… i am enthralled by the fact that there is more to sexuality that meets the eye and skin. that God created sexuality to be a model that proclaims the same love that Jesus loves the church with. God’s love. i am excited that my sexuality does not glorify myself or other people. what kind of life is that? the further i’ve come in this realization the more i see that sex is not an act just that consecrates how much two people love one another. in light of the gospel, sex is marriage, two becoming one. “sex” is spiritual intimacy and surrender. it is the day by day unity that comes from loving like Jesus loves us- by loving selflessly.
Philippians 2:5-8
“ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!”
marriage, sex, oneness with one other person for the rest of your life involves death of your own desires. to lay down yourself so that the other may be exalted, and in their exaltation, your joy becomes complete..
John 15 talks about The Vine and the Branches… with discernment, read this passage and try to see what it means for a husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church when you read this. What kind of love is now available to us in our unity? what does this mean for the way we love each other? what sort of desires will we have to lay down so that this love can become more complete in our relationships with one another?
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I obviously do not have to explain that in Genesis, what “be fruitful” means. but i also obviously do not have to explain that having a fruitful relationship means so much more than just having children.
Genesis 1:28
“And God blessed them: and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”
this is the American Standard Version that uses the phrase “replenish the earth and subdue it.” i really love that, because it just encourages us as single christians to realize the immense importance of waiting for God to bless us with a relationship in which Christ is absolutely the center. By having a marriage with another person where God’s love is abounding because of their mutual humility, commitment to persevere in love, this verse is a promise that by that example, our example as Christian lovers we can replenish the earth. i can already see that in the world with people i know myself- i have been exposed to many, many dysfunctional relationships and marriages in my life and i know that God has done it for a reason. by seeing all that brokenness that comes when Christ is not actively the center- when i see marriages that are striving in fruitfulness in terms of faith, love, generosity and wisdom, i feel so encouraged and excited and reassured and it really does absolutely proclaim God’s glory. that is nuts. what God intended for marriage is where sexuality is made whole- and this whole time as a teenager, i have been exposed to just one side to it that has been warped beyond my full understanding. it is not about me, it is not about what people see, it is not about the man i love. it is about knowing what it’s like to persevere and love in longsuffering just like Jesus did for us. THAT, is something i will never get bored of. i am absolutely sure of that.
i have found that lately i have actually become excited when things get horrible, because i know that on the other side of my trials i will have come to know God more, and that i will be more conformed to Jesus Christ’s love, and i will be one step closer to loving the world in a way that bears fruit- that replenishes the earth and subdues it for God’s glory.
2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Philippians 2:5-8
“ In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in very nature[a] God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature[b] of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!”
marriage, sex, oneness with one other person for the rest of your life involves death of your own desires. to lay down yourself so that the other may be exalted, and in their exaltation, your joy becomes complete..
John 15 talks about The Vine and the Branches… with discernment, read this passage and try to see what it means for a husband to love his wife like Jesus loves the church when you read this. What kind of love is now available to us in our unity? what does this mean for the way we love each other? what sort of desires will we have to lay down so that this love can become more complete in our relationships with one another?
5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
I obviously do not have to explain that in Genesis, what “be fruitful” means. but i also obviously do not have to explain that having a fruitful relationship means so much more than just having children.
Genesis 1:28
“And God blessed them: and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the heavens, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”
this is the American Standard Version that uses the phrase “replenish the earth and subdue it.” i really love that, because it just encourages us as single christians to realize the immense importance of waiting for God to bless us with a relationship in which Christ is absolutely the center. By having a marriage with another person where God’s love is abounding because of their mutual humility, commitment to persevere in love, this verse is a promise that by that example, our example as Christian lovers we can replenish the earth. i can already see that in the world with people i know myself- i have been exposed to many, many dysfunctional relationships and marriages in my life and i know that God has done it for a reason. by seeing all that brokenness that comes when Christ is not actively the center- when i see marriages that are striving in fruitfulness in terms of faith, love, generosity and wisdom, i feel so encouraged and excited and reassured and it really does absolutely proclaim God’s glory. that is nuts. what God intended for marriage is where sexuality is made whole- and this whole time as a teenager, i have been exposed to just one side to it that has been warped beyond my full understanding. it is not about me, it is not about what people see, it is not about the man i love. it is about knowing what it’s like to persevere and love in longsuffering just like Jesus did for us. THAT, is something i will never get bored of. i am absolutely sure of that.
i have found that lately i have actually become excited when things get horrible, because i know that on the other side of my trials i will have come to know God more, and that i will be more conformed to Jesus Christ’s love, and i will be one step closer to loving the world in a way that bears fruit- that replenishes the earth and subdues it for God’s glory.
2 Corinthians 12:10
That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
love me
exist for me
be in my life before
i need you to sew me up
love me
make me wait
taking
giving when you say
is it worth it?
the mistakes?
am i dying when i give in?
am i still clean if i want this?
if i want this,
is it clean?
please take
mine on you
please give
yours to me
death and
water me
growing where
your blood and body have nourished me
is it worth it?
the suspense?
am i dying when i give in?
am i still clean
if i want this?
if i want this,
make it clean
make me clean
exist for me
be in my life before
i need you to sew me up
love me
make me wait
taking
giving when you say
is it worth it?
the mistakes?
am i dying when i give in?
am i still clean if i want this?
if i want this,
is it clean?
please take
mine on you
please give
yours to me
death and
water me
growing where
your blood and body have nourished me
is it worth it?
the suspense?
am i dying when i give in?
am i still clean
if i want this?
if i want this,
make it clean
make me clean
Monday, November 29, 2010
okkkkk
i have a million things to do, but i wanted to take some time to say that i haven't posted in a while because my heart has been all over the place the past few weeks, and nowhere near where it should be. but seriously, God is so faithful when we are not.
went to colorado for thanksgiving this past week and it was legitimately the best vacation i have ever had in my life. it was a time of spiritual renewal, and my eyes have been opened to a lot of things and God has really set my heart in motion for things i have been struggling to overcome for a long time, long long long time. i can't change. there are things in my life that will never change, and i will always always always be cursed with being who i am. that's why it is so beautiful that i can lay down my own self and be born again in Jesus, who makes all things new. i am so blessed to have that available to me everyday and in everything, because i need it so so so much-
these next two weeks are going to really test my faith. finals that i have procrastinated. an animation project that i wanted to do surrounding the gospel, 10 page paper, 5 page paper, 8 page paper, 5 page paper, after effects city scape project, ton of make up work, storyboard, art piece incorporating the possibility of the 4th dimension, and an online portfolio for FI-- and smack dab in the middle of all of this, this weekend is ROCKBRIDGE.
i have no idea what is going to happen between right now and december 15th
weeeee will seeeee
went to colorado for thanksgiving this past week and it was legitimately the best vacation i have ever had in my life. it was a time of spiritual renewal, and my eyes have been opened to a lot of things and God has really set my heart in motion for things i have been struggling to overcome for a long time, long long long time. i can't change. there are things in my life that will never change, and i will always always always be cursed with being who i am. that's why it is so beautiful that i can lay down my own self and be born again in Jesus, who makes all things new. i am so blessed to have that available to me everyday and in everything, because i need it so so so much-
these next two weeks are going to really test my faith. finals that i have procrastinated. an animation project that i wanted to do surrounding the gospel, 10 page paper, 5 page paper, 8 page paper, 5 page paper, after effects city scape project, ton of make up work, storyboard, art piece incorporating the possibility of the 4th dimension, and an online portfolio for FI-- and smack dab in the middle of all of this, this weekend is ROCKBRIDGE.
i have no idea what is going to happen between right now and december 15th
weeeee will seeeee
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
GOT IT
trying again.--worship talk notes just talked to myself for 20 minutes in an empty ceramics classroom at 2:30am and i feel overwhelmingly relieved.
-
we talk about this a lot in young life but
it is important to remind each other and ourselves the power that lies in being able to love like christ loves us.
as christians we naturally do not expect the world to understand and accept us, but often continue to have a hard time having faith that we will understand and accept each other.
that love does not have to be in fear
hear it in church all the time- we are reconciled back to God and also to each other.
Christ's power is shown in in our weaknesses- when we lay down, (or forced to lay down) our own pride and fear of loving others and letting others love us, we are exposed, but he is magnified in contrast
it is a countercultural concept - become nothing to become powerful. it is hard and we can't do it without him humbling our hearts first.
but it is not something to be afraid of- if we ask him to humble our hearts towards each other, we will be reconciled to each other, in the same way that we are reconciled back to him.
this kind of love that is available to us can heal our friendships and ourselves in ways we never thought possible when God wasn't in the picture.
when we let ourselves be vulnerable with each other as christ became vulnerable to us through his pain and suffering on the cross, to show God's love.
in young life, we can be a fool for christ in many different ways.
we can also be a fool in the sense of letting ourselves be vulnerable in faith that the more transparent we are, the more God's glory will shine through.
it is by our human nature that we want to resist this at all costs- we don't want to be exposed, judged, humbled.
the only way that we can begin to love each other this way is through Prayer-to pray that he would help us learn to love others like He loves us.
if it feels impossible- that's because it is. we can't do it without him. but it is so, so important to cling to as the body of christ.
-
we talk about this a lot in young life but
it is important to remind each other and ourselves the power that lies in being able to love like christ loves us.
as christians we naturally do not expect the world to understand and accept us, but often continue to have a hard time having faith that we will understand and accept each other.
that love does not have to be in fear
hear it in church all the time- we are reconciled back to God and also to each other.
Christ's power is shown in in our weaknesses- when we lay down, (or forced to lay down) our own pride and fear of loving others and letting others love us, we are exposed, but he is magnified in contrast
it is a countercultural concept - become nothing to become powerful. it is hard and we can't do it without him humbling our hearts first.
but it is not something to be afraid of- if we ask him to humble our hearts towards each other, we will be reconciled to each other, in the same way that we are reconciled back to him.
this kind of love that is available to us can heal our friendships and ourselves in ways we never thought possible when God wasn't in the picture.
when we let ourselves be vulnerable with each other as christ became vulnerable to us through his pain and suffering on the cross, to show God's love.
in young life, we can be a fool for christ in many different ways.
we can also be a fool in the sense of letting ourselves be vulnerable in faith that the more transparent we are, the more God's glory will shine through.
it is by our human nature that we want to resist this at all costs- we don't want to be exposed, judged, humbled.
the only way that we can begin to love each other this way is through Prayer-to pray that he would help us learn to love others like He loves us.
if it feels impossible- that's because it is. we can't do it without him. but it is so, so important to cling to as the body of christ.
fudge
feeling overwhelmed. feeling unloved. this goes in such steep waves, here at vcu. i'm just so exhausted.
also i just hate franklin terrace. seriously in a basement all day. vcu itself is not a pretty place. richmond's cool- franklin terrace sucks.
i just want my family. i want to know my dad will be okayyyyyyyyyyyy i also want to know if my brother will be okayyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee.
i just want someone to hug me and laugh with me, be with me, and talk about jesus with me and at least try to love me back unconditionally. i love my mom. i love erin. i love rachel. i love victoria. i love meleia and ciera. i love my small group.
i don't feel supported or encouraged------- however, this, too goes in waves. but my sinful heart is so deceiving and tells me so many lies that make me afraid, timid, sad, dumb. but when i bounce back , it is so easy to see how foolish it is to feel that way. it's just so easy to slip. durererpghp.
i'm like a pen whose nib runs out of ink. now i'm just scratching at the paper, cutting the paper. all the work but with nothing to show for it but scratches and cuts. i need to return to the well, be replenished of ink. it's so foolishly human when i don't cling to what is so obviously missing.
but i don't know how exactly to fix all this with jesus. i pray about it all day. i just don't have a large lot of joy, but it is there, in waves, like i said- it's almost more like bittersweet. but i am trying my best to be patient.
http://www.christcenteredmall.com/teachings/fruits/longsuffering.htm
also i just hate franklin terrace. seriously in a basement all day. vcu itself is not a pretty place. richmond's cool- franklin terrace sucks.
i just want my family. i want to know my dad will be okayyyyyyyyyyyy i also want to know if my brother will be okayyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee.
i just want someone to hug me and laugh with me, be with me, and talk about jesus with me and at least try to love me back unconditionally. i love my mom. i love erin. i love rachel. i love victoria. i love meleia and ciera. i love my small group.
i don't feel supported or encouraged------- however, this, too goes in waves. but my sinful heart is so deceiving and tells me so many lies that make me afraid, timid, sad, dumb. but when i bounce back , it is so easy to see how foolish it is to feel that way. it's just so easy to slip. durererpghp.
i'm like a pen whose nib runs out of ink. now i'm just scratching at the paper, cutting the paper. all the work but with nothing to show for it but scratches and cuts. i need to return to the well, be replenished of ink. it's so foolishly human when i don't cling to what is so obviously missing.
but i don't know how exactly to fix all this with jesus. i pray about it all day. i just don't have a large lot of joy, but it is there, in waves, like i said- it's almost more like bittersweet. but i am trying my best to be patient.
http://www.christcenteredmall.com/teachings/fruits/longsuffering.htm
Monday, November 1, 2010
cool boyz
so i was creeping on this, i think they are in seniors in high school here.
i'm a young life leader now and i hang out with high schoolers right-
if i was their young life leader i wouldn't be able to do it. i would be tooooooo scared/nervous/overwhelmed/derp hahafhab
i wish i could find more of these types of guys-
confident, humble, friendly, absolutely hilarious, creative, attractive, loving and clever christian guys (thomas, olan and reid are christians- not positive about thomas)
but we all, as christians need to pray to be more loving, more strong willed and be blessed with a spirit of leadership.
seriously, holy moly, even bieber has got it going on.
http://news.yahoo.com/video/entertainment-15749636/bieber-marriage-and-kids-by-30-22769267
I LOVELOVELOVLOVLVOE THIS INTERVIEW. meleia just sent it to me a few minutes ago- meleia and i have actually been praying for him haha- this seriously blesses my heart so, so much. don't tell anyone but i may have teared up a bit. it just shows that being the most powerful pop icon in the world at the moment doesn't make you too powerful for the power of the Spirit of Jesus Christ that transforms you and protects you from what the world can do to you. the fame at 16 that he experiences could have gone in a very opposite direction- and we gotta keep praying for people like him, that God would have mercy on them just like He has had mercy on us. afteral, even justin bieber is just a teenager- he's just a person- he's just a sinner, just like you and me. i love hearing these words out of his mouth of all people. it's amazing that God has exalted him to such an amazing place, and that even with all this fame, he can admit that he's a sinner?! THAT is mercy, for real. wow owowowowow. what an amazing witness, what amazing strength God has given him to speak about this in an interview not just briefly, but to elaborate like this.
i guess God is JB fan, woopwoop
hm
http://www.christcycles.com/ this is cool haha. at first iw as like oh dear, helvetica and bikes, derp. but this is really cool! bike ministry! really neato. i kind of want to just go into their store and be like, hey/i love jesus/hate my bike/help/plz
i've seen the guy with the jesus bag before , super cool bro
sooo hyper now i had coffee and feel so much better but now i want to make 2938472983479238749823742 facebook statueses ok i gotta get out of here.
i always make time to skype with my favoritest of babies, no matter how many 5 page papers i have due the next day
but on another note, please
please please pray for my dad.
i've seen the guy with the jesus bag before , super cool bro
sooo hyper now i had coffee and feel so much better but now i want to make 2938472983479238749823742 facebook statueses ok i gotta get out of here.
i always make time to skype with my favoritest of babies, no matter how many 5 page papers i have due the next day
but on another note, please
please please pray for my dad.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
why do i look around?
thank you for encouraging me, i know you know who you are. you keep me strong and you give me hope that i'm not crazy for letting go of so much to be more conformed to Jesus' image. because lately i have been stricken with with some things i haven't been stricken with in a long time- fear, loneliness, blame, contempt and self-hate. this week had been a roller coaster and i just want to get off, i feel physically nauseous at all of this. i just am so weak without Him and i am struggling to let him take away all of what i depend on to help me cope with the uncertainty. it's absolutely foolish how much hope i really do put in people, and how hilarious it is that i get proven every time how unreliable we all are, and how unreliable i am, myself. this week i shot through the roof with the most joy i had ever experienced this semester, and 20 minutes later it was crushed and i was back to zero. i've never made such a sharp turn. and i thought it was getting better but i am struggling, and am entertaining and dwelling on thoughts that just hurt me more. i hate, hate, hate self consciousness. i haven't felt this way in over a year and now it's beginning to overwhelm me. i can't let this happen. i need to cling to Jesus and not the people around me. love and be loved by him first, so that i can know more how to love others.....it's hard. i don't feel joy. i don't feel peace. i'm turning to the world to make me wealthy and fulfilled and i am so hungry that i am starving. i am so cold, that i am freezing. i am so sick that i'm dying. i guess i let myself ignore it until this point, but i still don't quite understand it. t's so amazing that the Spirit uncovers time and time again places you didn't even know you were broken. i just want to run away, ya know
i'm sure things will be better soon, but i just don't know how. my young life area director often says that fear comes from when we picture ourselves in the future and we don't see jesus there. and i think that's how i've been. but at the same time i feel jesus so close to me. he's all i feel, he's all i want, but everything is trying to tear me away. i know that satan is going to try to break me, but i have faith that God is going to take me and use me to do something amazing for his sake. i just need to throw all this down. all this petty fear and anger and sorrow and look at how infinitely greater it is to rejoice with all i am that he is risen, and i am loved.
sorry to be emo
thank you for listeningggggngngn
i'm sure things will be better soon, but i just don't know how. my young life area director often says that fear comes from when we picture ourselves in the future and we don't see jesus there. and i think that's how i've been. but at the same time i feel jesus so close to me. he's all i feel, he's all i want, but everything is trying to tear me away. i know that satan is going to try to break me, but i have faith that God is going to take me and use me to do something amazing for his sake. i just need to throw all this down. all this petty fear and anger and sorrow and look at how infinitely greater it is to rejoice with all i am that he is risen, and i am loved.
sorry to be emo
thank you for listeningggggngngn
Thursday, October 28, 2010
hhhhhhhhh
faghaghbabohasdiohfaoidhfhasdbhaowiehbaoiwhsdlfhasodhva;wlekhbahsdfkhasdlkfhasldbhl;adkbhalksdhfioawehfalkshdbhasldhb ahlskdaeoiwfhaslkdhbkalshdlkghasldkbhaiowevklashdbklahsdfjnawekjhfdalkhsdb lkajwelkhasldkhba dhsbkahwoeidfnakljhneskjdvbakjsdfjkasbdvklajsdbvkl jz,bxc m,zmxbcfiuawkejshdfkaljsdbxcv hamnbsdxfjhamcsnbxhjvmnba sjhmfnxzbcz j,hxmdnbvajsdmnxbcvjhamzwgensbiudfWABEHJFDMGAJSDFBAJKSDBVJAHSDBDigwefbashjdflHFJAKGSDFJASHDFKJLAGSDVJBALIUESBCUIABSDKVJBASLDJKFBJKABSDVKJBASDVYUBAWEYUBFDAJDGHFLIASHDFKJABWEIUUSTHRAHSHnwe vasiduhrwne aisdhfakwefyhshthadhfaksjdfhawefkajh asjkdhf akwnbeuahshtyzsdfjknewbhaksvyawebfa dfy zserajkwehf hshubreahsehf sythe abjsyereouaydf aw haev hjawerh seyajk seytjehra pa isufad
my church has got some wackos in it ///////////don't know what to do/kind of worried/unsure if i should even concern myself with it but wow i really disagree with a huge part of what they believe about women.
Galatians 3:28
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
i want to shut up for a while /forever
even though i feel like everything needs to be said
always being broken and built up again yeahhhh
my church has got some wackos in it ///////////don't know what to do/kind of worried/unsure if i should even concern myself with it but wow i really disagree with a huge part of what they believe about women.
Galatians 3:28
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
i want to shut up for a while /forever
even though i feel like everything needs to be said
always being broken and built up again yeahhhh
yeah
it's nuts if i take a step back and realize how much social anxiety i have when i take jesus out of the picture. spent like an hour reassuring myself that it is ridiculous to think that everyone probably hates me. i base my confidence a lot in what certain people think of me and it's evident that as of late, one of my favorite people has straight up fallen out of love with me. it's hard but i have to keep reminding myself i shouldn't be embarrassed of what i know has to be said. that's the last thing i want to do, is be ashamed. but it's easy to point the blame or glory at myself.
i'm behind on a lot of stuff/ should probably cut a lot out of my halloween weekend, blah it's my favorite.
let myself sleep 6 hours last night. pllffbbtt. still exhausteddddd
amazed/in love with God
but sad/hurt by a friendship i have made into an idol in my life
trying to let God take care of it and not be self seeking about all of this
"all these chisels i have dulled carving idols of stone, have crumbled like sand beneath the waves"
pooooooooooo
i'm behind on a lot of stuff/ should probably cut a lot out of my halloween weekend, blah it's my favorite.
let myself sleep 6 hours last night. pllffbbtt. still exhausteddddd
amazed/in love with God
but sad/hurt by a friendship i have made into an idol in my life
trying to let God take care of it and not be self seeking about all of this
"all these chisels i have dulled carving idols of stone, have crumbled like sand beneath the waves"
pooooooooooo
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
WANT TO SEE A STRAIGHT UP MIRACLE? ALRIGHT
I HAVE BEEN PRAYING ABOUT THIS ALL SEMESTER. and i know many of my faithful friends and family members have been praying for it as well- and thank you, thank you thank you SO MUCH for praying, i am positively stunned. THIS IS WHAT GOD BROUGHT ME HERE TO DO. praise the Lord that he has saved me, sustained me, transformed me, encouraged me, LOVED ME through this dark confusing time- i thought i would always be alone in my struggles to glorify God as a Christian artist, but that's absolutely not the case- God has PROVIDED beyond my wildest expectations. this is just the beginning but oh my GOD, if he can take someone like me and turn me into someone who is destined for leadership in his holy name- i am forced to completely lay down all my doubt, all my fears- HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS and who he is is FAITHFUL TO HIS PROMISES. did i not just rock Philippians 4:13 (For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.) in my last blog?!!? i am astounded. God has blessed me so, so, so much and i am so so unworthy and so so so undeserving but I can only pray that he will take me and use me for what he has in store. that is my only hope, and I wouldn't trade this for anything in the entire world. i need to stop thinking that since i'm a mediocre average person who can maybe make a little difference. no. this isn't about me anymore and this isn't my work, this isn't my miracle in the making. this is His will being carried out through broken sinners who have ONLY been reconciled to his holiness by the pure blood of Christ. how can i deny his presence, that he is the invisible, but strong, unpredictable, undeniable force that takes me where it pleases? John 3:8- "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."
I have no idea where this is going to take me but God is doing crazy things. I have been despairing all this semester- unsure of my direction, angry and frustrated. my pride was stripped away, i was discouraged and entirely uncertain of myself. I remembered the fact that i never even wanted to go to art school in the first place- that it was the only place i applied and i miraculously got in. i was doubting, wondering if perhaps elsewhere would be better. i wanted out, i wanted, i wanted, i wanted. i was entirely unsatisfied but he heard me when i cried out to him, when my friends cried out to him, when my mother, brothers, father cried out to him. he has been so faithful to me and has put me in my place- knowing that he is absolutely strong, he is steadfast, he is absolutely the only One who satisfies.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]
---
Between Ryan Todd Lauterio and You
Chase Beaucanon October 26 at 10:34pm
Rachel Schneider told me that i should talk to you. i hear you aren't teaching anymore to become a pastor, which i think is really awesome. my name is lauren stutzriem and i'm a kinetic imaging sophomore. Rachel thought i should talk to you- God has put two things on my heart- for one, the fact that there is nothing more important in the world than to know Him more intimately and to love others and to further his kingdom. and two, using art as a tool of communication that transcends spoken language alone. i used to think i wanted to be a 2D cartoon animator but God has really humbled me and shown me that i'm not even half of the artist i was. so now i'm just waiting for him to lead me to where he pleases. i just want to glorify him, but it's hard because i don't know how to do that yet in kinetic imaging. i don't know where my life is headed.
anyway i wanted to tell you that i really respect your decision and i am very encouraged by your witness. sin is real, salvation is real, sanctification is real, love and grace are so real and so abounding and this good news is THE most important, beautiful and captivating thing anyone could ever speak. we can't keep it to ourselves!!
i was wondering if you are still teaching, or how much longer you will be teaching, and if you will still be in the area. i have always been interested in holding some sort of christian artists' discussion or something like that. artists have so much power in their gift to communicate- and christian artists need to be encouraged to let christ be known. i don't know. even if it's just a prayer group.
well i didn't have a whole lot else to say but i am just so ecstatic to see another artist step out in faith for Christ's sake!!
--
Ryan Todd Lauterio October 26 at 11:07pm
Greetings Chase, I am turning in for bed so this will be short and a bit convoluted LOL,,, Praise the Lord that you are where you are at I am very encouraged by you taking time out of your day to contact and write to me! Rachel might have gave you a bit of miss information. I am still teaching and plan to as long as the Lord see's fit, I teach in AFO at VCU among other things and it really is important that I am there> Let me take some time to tell you what has happened this semester, I do Portfolio reviews and I am on the Selection committee for making final decisions on who gets into the program! That being said I have several portfolio revues this semester and they have all been Christians and they have all been sharing a similar sentiment! This is amazing as it has never happened before and I have no control over who I meet! So forgive me for this ramble but I am blown away that you wrote to me and you are who you are! :) God is really up to something int he arts!! Which is awesome! My wife and I are making a home here in Richmond with our Daughter Ava and looking to establish A Christ centered Arts ministry. So I am not quitting teaching as that is a vital missional component and feels to strategic for me not to be there. I am however going through a program through Church called the Commonwealth which is based off of a seminary seminar model of sorts! It is to prepare people to pastor and or work in leadership, and is very in depth and focused two year program, it also is designed to let people actually serve and work in the Church as well as in the city/community, I am sitting in right now and start officially this up coming new year!
This Church is called Remnant and has been a huge answer to prayer for my wife and I. They are a year old with some very amazing people the teaching is deep and rich Christ centered gospel focused we are on Mission for Christ, and we are now looking to have our building downtown! That being said where there will be a whole set up geared towards Artist amongst other things, I am working on a comprehensive program and we will have actual gallery space to hold talks seminars lectures and shows!!! I am also researching information and teaching that I hope will be edifying to young artist. In my research I am looking at the few models that exist in the US that actually serve the arts deeply>There is so much I can share with you if you would like to meet up! I really think that would be great for both of us and many of the other Christians who are Artist and are saying the same things you are sharing!
Soon I will be starting a Crit art discussion Group and from there things will begin to unfold! So it will be exactly what you where mentioning!!! We believe Christ is going to continue to bring people to here to start a revival, and I think He is going to use the Arts as they have a valuable role with regards to culture and there is much the Lord has shared with me as I have gone through both my Masters degrees and worked as an Artist! Also My Wife has been working on her Masters degree in Christian Apologetic s and we feel that God is preparing us to write a book that will seek to equip encourage and disciple Artist who are longing to glorify Christ and make an impact! So my church right now is meeting on the corner of BLVD and Grove in the basement of Tikvat, we meet at 1030, perhaps you can come by some time and we can meet I really think it would be huge to do so! here is the website to our church! http://www.remnantrichmond.org/
I am sorry this is so choppy I was heading to bed and then got your very exciting email!! I look forward to meeting you and hearing about what God is doing with you and looking to share whats going on from our standpoint! I have a hunch we are in the same boat and Gods is at work bringing us together! Ow yes let Rachel know I am not going anywhere and I am still teaching and will be for a while, :) Also right now we have several community groups that meet around Richmond and the one we go to is Thursday nights in Carytown from 7 til 9pm we have food and informal talk about the sermons from the past Sunday you are welcome if you have the time either way lets find time to meet! I also hold open drawing studio sessions on Fridays except this Friday but next Friday they will be back on let me know what you think! Very Glad to hear from you
Of Grace
Ryan Lauterio
I have no idea where this is going to take me but God is doing crazy things. I have been despairing all this semester- unsure of my direction, angry and frustrated. my pride was stripped away, i was discouraged and entirely uncertain of myself. I remembered the fact that i never even wanted to go to art school in the first place- that it was the only place i applied and i miraculously got in. i was doubting, wondering if perhaps elsewhere would be better. i wanted out, i wanted, i wanted, i wanted. i was entirely unsatisfied but he heard me when i cried out to him, when my friends cried out to him, when my mother, brothers, father cried out to him. he has been so faithful to me and has put me in my place- knowing that he is absolutely strong, he is steadfast, he is absolutely the only One who satisfies.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. [a]
---
Between Ryan Todd Lauterio and You
Chase Beaucanon October 26 at 10:34pm
Rachel Schneider told me that i should talk to you. i hear you aren't teaching anymore to become a pastor, which i think is really awesome. my name is lauren stutzriem and i'm a kinetic imaging sophomore. Rachel thought i should talk to you- God has put two things on my heart- for one, the fact that there is nothing more important in the world than to know Him more intimately and to love others and to further his kingdom. and two, using art as a tool of communication that transcends spoken language alone. i used to think i wanted to be a 2D cartoon animator but God has really humbled me and shown me that i'm not even half of the artist i was. so now i'm just waiting for him to lead me to where he pleases. i just want to glorify him, but it's hard because i don't know how to do that yet in kinetic imaging. i don't know where my life is headed.
anyway i wanted to tell you that i really respect your decision and i am very encouraged by your witness. sin is real, salvation is real, sanctification is real, love and grace are so real and so abounding and this good news is THE most important, beautiful and captivating thing anyone could ever speak. we can't keep it to ourselves!!
i was wondering if you are still teaching, or how much longer you will be teaching, and if you will still be in the area. i have always been interested in holding some sort of christian artists' discussion or something like that. artists have so much power in their gift to communicate- and christian artists need to be encouraged to let christ be known. i don't know. even if it's just a prayer group.
well i didn't have a whole lot else to say but i am just so ecstatic to see another artist step out in faith for Christ's sake!!
--
Ryan Todd Lauterio October 26 at 11:07pm
Greetings Chase, I am turning in for bed so this will be short and a bit convoluted LOL,,, Praise the Lord that you are where you are at I am very encouraged by you taking time out of your day to contact and write to me! Rachel might have gave you a bit of miss information. I am still teaching and plan to as long as the Lord see's fit, I teach in AFO at VCU among other things and it really is important that I am there> Let me take some time to tell you what has happened this semester, I do Portfolio reviews and I am on the Selection committee for making final decisions on who gets into the program! That being said I have several portfolio revues this semester and they have all been Christians and they have all been sharing a similar sentiment! This is amazing as it has never happened before and I have no control over who I meet! So forgive me for this ramble but I am blown away that you wrote to me and you are who you are! :) God is really up to something int he arts!! Which is awesome! My wife and I are making a home here in Richmond with our Daughter Ava and looking to establish A Christ centered Arts ministry. So I am not quitting teaching as that is a vital missional component and feels to strategic for me not to be there. I am however going through a program through Church called the Commonwealth which is based off of a seminary seminar model of sorts! It is to prepare people to pastor and or work in leadership, and is very in depth and focused two year program, it also is designed to let people actually serve and work in the Church as well as in the city/community, I am sitting in right now and start officially this up coming new year!
This Church is called Remnant and has been a huge answer to prayer for my wife and I. They are a year old with some very amazing people the teaching is deep and rich Christ centered gospel focused we are on Mission for Christ, and we are now looking to have our building downtown! That being said where there will be a whole set up geared towards Artist amongst other things, I am working on a comprehensive program and we will have actual gallery space to hold talks seminars lectures and shows!!! I am also researching information and teaching that I hope will be edifying to young artist. In my research I am looking at the few models that exist in the US that actually serve the arts deeply>There is so much I can share with you if you would like to meet up! I really think that would be great for both of us and many of the other Christians who are Artist and are saying the same things you are sharing!
Soon I will be starting a Crit art discussion Group and from there things will begin to unfold! So it will be exactly what you where mentioning!!! We believe Christ is going to continue to bring people to here to start a revival, and I think He is going to use the Arts as they have a valuable role with regards to culture and there is much the Lord has shared with me as I have gone through both my Masters degrees and worked as an Artist! Also My Wife has been working on her Masters degree in Christian Apologetic s and we feel that God is preparing us to write a book that will seek to equip encourage and disciple Artist who are longing to glorify Christ and make an impact! So my church right now is meeting on the corner of BLVD and Grove in the basement of Tikvat, we meet at 1030, perhaps you can come by some time and we can meet I really think it would be huge to do so! here is the website to our church! http://www.remnantrichmond.org/
I am sorry this is so choppy I was heading to bed and then got your very exciting email!! I look forward to meeting you and hearing about what God is doing with you and looking to share whats going on from our standpoint! I have a hunch we are in the same boat and Gods is at work bringing us together! Ow yes let Rachel know I am not going anywhere and I am still teaching and will be for a while, :) Also right now we have several community groups that meet around Richmond and the one we go to is Thursday nights in Carytown from 7 til 9pm we have food and informal talk about the sermons from the past Sunday you are welcome if you have the time either way lets find time to meet! I also hold open drawing studio sessions on Fridays except this Friday but next Friday they will be back on let me know what you think! Very Glad to hear from you
Of Grace
Ryan Lauterio
Friday, October 22, 2010
Your Love is Strong
Philippians 4:11-13
11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
this is so true to me today and as of late. this is so important. also, listening to "your love is strong" which is directly inspired by the Lord's prayer in Matthew 6- reading comments on songmeanings.com, there are comments like,
"I especially love this because so many Christians get desensitized to the Lord's Prayer - it becomes routine. This song is a reminder that it is anything but routine. "
"Love this song. His adaptations of Bible passages are breathtaking. This is music as it was meant to be written. "
there is nothing else more worth writing about than this. Your love is strong, your love is so, so strong.
i've been thinking a lot about the part of the Lord's prayer that says, give me this day my daily bread- we take the food that is on our plate for granted- every day we expect it to be there, we count on it being there. but even the simplest thing is an amazing act of grace from God that we absolutely did nothing to deserve. we are really so small, and we have the curse of thinking that we NEED so much- but when he says:
"I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
He knows what I need."
listen to this peace, this beautiful peace that is available to us because of Christ reconciling us to being children of God- God knows what we need. we don't have to freak out and believe that the world is crashing down on us. We make it so difficult for ourselves believing that we need so, so much. God KNOWS what we need, and he WILL provide. we have so little faith. The God of the universe loves us SO much that he would give his only son to die in our place- i think that he would be care enough to provide for us the very essentials of every day. living your life day to day in faith that things will be taken care of no matter what, even if our own understanding tells us we are poor when we are so, so rich- that is completely contrary to this world. and it is beautiful, freeing, healing, absolutely amazing. whoever reads this- call out to him. You've seen the miracles, you've walked on water with him before- but when the wind blows, you begin to sink in doubt- just cry to him, Lord SAVE me! and immediately Jesus will embrace you. he will not let you go under, he will not let you drown, be crushed, be forsaken. (Matthew 14: 29-31)
Matthew 6: 25-34
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifeb?
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
the past few days God has really been so faithful to my prayers- i have been freaking out because i have been so lost, confused, angry, frustrated. but God knows what i need. He knows what I need. His love is strong, his grace is so, so sufficient. i feel it in my heart, in my bones that if i completely surrender my will to his own, my pride, my desires- he will transform my heart into one that will not only be content, but joyous, rejoicing in his plan for me. Art is an amazing thing- a tool of communication that transcends language itself. I have realized i'm not even half the artist i thought i was. i have been stripped of my pride. i am starting from zero. thankfully he has blessed my heart with a new song that rejoices in my weakness because he will be glorified all the more when he breaks me and builds me back up into exactly what he wants me to be which i know will be absolutely awe inspiring. i have no idea what the future holds for me anymore. i just have to surrender to the Christ's spirit in me- to let my heart be molded day by day into love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22) He knows what I need, and he will eternally, faithfully provide.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
listen to this, be still, and pray that God will bless you with this beautiful peace that transcends all that we believe to be true.
11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
this is so true to me today and as of late. this is so important. also, listening to "your love is strong" which is directly inspired by the Lord's prayer in Matthew 6- reading comments on songmeanings.com, there are comments like,
"I especially love this because so many Christians get desensitized to the Lord's Prayer - it becomes routine. This song is a reminder that it is anything but routine. "
"Love this song. His adaptations of Bible passages are breathtaking. This is music as it was meant to be written. "
there is nothing else more worth writing about than this. Your love is strong, your love is so, so strong.
i've been thinking a lot about the part of the Lord's prayer that says, give me this day my daily bread- we take the food that is on our plate for granted- every day we expect it to be there, we count on it being there. but even the simplest thing is an amazing act of grace from God that we absolutely did nothing to deserve. we are really so small, and we have the curse of thinking that we NEED so much- but when he says:
"I look out the window the birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune or out of place
I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl on her wedding day
So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
He knows what I need."
listen to this peace, this beautiful peace that is available to us because of Christ reconciling us to being children of God- God knows what we need. we don't have to freak out and believe that the world is crashing down on us. We make it so difficult for ourselves believing that we need so, so much. God KNOWS what we need, and he WILL provide. we have so little faith. The God of the universe loves us SO much that he would give his only son to die in our place- i think that he would be care enough to provide for us the very essentials of every day. living your life day to day in faith that things will be taken care of no matter what, even if our own understanding tells us we are poor when we are so, so rich- that is completely contrary to this world. and it is beautiful, freeing, healing, absolutely amazing. whoever reads this- call out to him. You've seen the miracles, you've walked on water with him before- but when the wind blows, you begin to sink in doubt- just cry to him, Lord SAVE me! and immediately Jesus will embrace you. he will not let you go under, he will not let you drown, be crushed, be forsaken. (Matthew 14: 29-31)
Matthew 6: 25-34
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifeb?
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
the past few days God has really been so faithful to my prayers- i have been freaking out because i have been so lost, confused, angry, frustrated. but God knows what i need. He knows what I need. His love is strong, his grace is so, so sufficient. i feel it in my heart, in my bones that if i completely surrender my will to his own, my pride, my desires- he will transform my heart into one that will not only be content, but joyous, rejoicing in his plan for me. Art is an amazing thing- a tool of communication that transcends language itself. I have realized i'm not even half the artist i thought i was. i have been stripped of my pride. i am starting from zero. thankfully he has blessed my heart with a new song that rejoices in my weakness because he will be glorified all the more when he breaks me and builds me back up into exactly what he wants me to be which i know will be absolutely awe inspiring. i have no idea what the future holds for me anymore. i just have to surrender to the Christ's spirit in me- to let my heart be molded day by day into love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Galatians 5:22) He knows what I need, and he will eternally, faithfully provide.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
listen to this, be still, and pray that God will bless you with this beautiful peace that transcends all that we believe to be true.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
i don't want this
"monday was our 30th wedding anniversary and the 5th year in a row we celebrated by not speaking to each other."
i have so much love welled up for you
i have so much love welled up for you
Saturday, October 9, 2010
fffffffffffff
i want to burn all my clothes and shave my head. none of this is real!
i feel the need to get out of here.
i feel the need to get out of here.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
me/being dumb
18When Jesus saw the crowd around him, he gave orders to cross to the other side of the lake. 19Then a teacher of the law came to him and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go."
20Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."
21Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
22But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."
okay sooo i have 15 minutes but i want to talk about this. i want to think about thisss. this passage is titled "the cost of following jesus" which makes sense because it talks about how if we are to be like jesus, we will also come to realize we have no place to lay our head either. yesyes
but the teacher of the law that approaches jesus is what makes me think- he came to him and said that he would be willing to follow jesus wherever he went. but i feel like the guy thought he could have both, which can't happen. derrr. i feel like i do this a lot. i'm so ready to just throw everything down and follow jesus with all i have but day to day i just can't let go of the stupid stuff that i want to bring with me. let the spiritually dead bury their dead- let those who have not been called forth carry on in their lives doing what they think is best according to their own insight.
LOOKED UP THIS THING
IT IS COOL/IT HELPS/THIS IS ME. REMEMBER LOT'S WIIIIIFE
http://www.cgg.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Library.sr/CT/BQA/k/164/Why-Did-Jesus-Say-Let-Dead-Bury-Their-Own-Dead-Matthew-822.htm
The context of Christ's statement reveals that He offers this man an opportunity to participate in His ministry and become a teacher of the way that leads to eternal life (see Luke 9:59-60). When this man says that he first had to go and bury his father, Christ tells him to let the "dead" (those unaware of spiritual matters) bury their dead, "and you go and preach the Kingdom of God" (verse 60).
Was Christ telling this man not to attend his father's funeral? No. A funeral usually takes only a short time, and Christ continually shows that Christians are to have compassion and show proper respect for others. In fact, Luke provides a short account of His own reaction at meeting a funeral procession during His ministry (Luke 7:11-15).
Why, then, does Christ answer this man in such a way? He realizes that the man is only making excuses. Probably, the young man's father was an elderly man who would likely die soon. This man, leaning on his father's condition, tries to put off the responsibility that Christ offers to him. Obviously, his priorities are not based on faith and serving God first (Matthew 6:33). If he wanted to, he could find a way, without showing any disrespect, to have his father cared for and still serve God. Thus, Christ tells him to let the spiritually dead—those who were not being called (Ephesians 2:1)—continue to live their lives as seems best to them.
This account illustrates how we should not let undue concern over physical matters distract us from serving God once He has called us to His work (John 6:44, 65). The parable of the sower in Mark 4:14-20 relates a similar principle. As Jesus says to another disciple in Luke's account, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:62).
cool talk
gonna go 2 class
i am addicted to not sleeping. went to bed at 5am woke at 8:30 ugh. i feel fine though- but i am realizing i have been getting super emotional lately and that's NOT GOOD :( last night sorted some things out with Hannah that we really needed to talk about. kind of broke down and said a lot of weird stuff. kind of finding out more about myself in a bad way. i don't know if it's for the better or if Satan is just trying his best to tear me down. he is definitely trying to get between Hannah and me, especially on my side, though. i hate this. i should probably get some sleep to protect my mind :(
just want to learn more and be transparent. wanna love moooreee
20Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."
21Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father."
22But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead."
okay sooo i have 15 minutes but i want to talk about this. i want to think about thisss. this passage is titled "the cost of following jesus" which makes sense because it talks about how if we are to be like jesus, we will also come to realize we have no place to lay our head either. yesyes
but the teacher of the law that approaches jesus is what makes me think- he came to him and said that he would be willing to follow jesus wherever he went. but i feel like the guy thought he could have both, which can't happen. derrr. i feel like i do this a lot. i'm so ready to just throw everything down and follow jesus with all i have but day to day i just can't let go of the stupid stuff that i want to bring with me. let the spiritually dead bury their dead- let those who have not been called forth carry on in their lives doing what they think is best according to their own insight.
LOOKED UP THIS THING
IT IS COOL/IT HELPS/THIS IS ME. REMEMBER LOT'S WIIIIIFE
http://www.cgg.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Library.sr/CT/BQA/k/164/Why-Did-Jesus-Say-Let-Dead-Bury-Their-Own-Dead-Matthew-822.htm
The context of Christ's statement reveals that He offers this man an opportunity to participate in His ministry and become a teacher of the way that leads to eternal life (see Luke 9:59-60). When this man says that he first had to go and bury his father, Christ tells him to let the "dead" (those unaware of spiritual matters) bury their dead, "and you go and preach the Kingdom of God" (verse 60).
Was Christ telling this man not to attend his father's funeral? No. A funeral usually takes only a short time, and Christ continually shows that Christians are to have compassion and show proper respect for others. In fact, Luke provides a short account of His own reaction at meeting a funeral procession during His ministry (Luke 7:11-15).
Why, then, does Christ answer this man in such a way? He realizes that the man is only making excuses. Probably, the young man's father was an elderly man who would likely die soon. This man, leaning on his father's condition, tries to put off the responsibility that Christ offers to him. Obviously, his priorities are not based on faith and serving God first (Matthew 6:33). If he wanted to, he could find a way, without showing any disrespect, to have his father cared for and still serve God. Thus, Christ tells him to let the spiritually dead—those who were not being called (Ephesians 2:1)—continue to live their lives as seems best to them.
This account illustrates how we should not let undue concern over physical matters distract us from serving God once He has called us to His work (John 6:44, 65). The parable of the sower in Mark 4:14-20 relates a similar principle. As Jesus says to another disciple in Luke's account, "No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God" (Luke 9:62).
cool talk
gonna go 2 class
i am addicted to not sleeping. went to bed at 5am woke at 8:30 ugh. i feel fine though- but i am realizing i have been getting super emotional lately and that's NOT GOOD :( last night sorted some things out with Hannah that we really needed to talk about. kind of broke down and said a lot of weird stuff. kind of finding out more about myself in a bad way. i don't know if it's for the better or if Satan is just trying his best to tear me down. he is definitely trying to get between Hannah and me, especially on my side, though. i hate this. i should probably get some sleep to protect my mind :(
just want to learn more and be transparent. wanna love moooreee
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Psalm 84:10
all i want in life is to hold your freezing hands and tell you how much i love you because of how much He loves us. I'm just a beggar showing other beggars where the food is.
the question is how the poo do i do it with kinetic imaging haha. i hope i can find more Christian artists. it's just a matter of patience, trust and perseverance through the lonesomeness at this point, i think. one of my idols is definitely having my own definite sense of direction. God has no problem stripping away everything a man has made himself in an instant, but I'm really glad that he has been so merciful to me by blessing me with a heart that still longs for him so deeply even when everything i know is kind of falling to pieces. i wouldn't have it any other way.
"For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness."
the question is how the poo do i do it with kinetic imaging haha. i hope i can find more Christian artists. it's just a matter of patience, trust and perseverance through the lonesomeness at this point, i think. one of my idols is definitely having my own definite sense of direction. God has no problem stripping away everything a man has made himself in an instant, but I'm really glad that he has been so merciful to me by blessing me with a heart that still longs for him so deeply even when everything i know is kind of falling to pieces. i wouldn't have it any other way.
"For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness."
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
what is art/what is lyfe/what is wat
today in a critique, we all stared long and deep at a photo of a girl's cat on her bed for about 7 minutes, then the same story for a nearly completely white photo with a hint of a red square in the middle.there comes a certain point where i don't care what art is anymore. i suppose there is artistic success when an emotion is invoked in the viewer- even if the emotion is annoyance/rage/impatience/exasperation with how pointless the artist's aim to be pointless was. sometimes i wonder if this is the best place for me, hahhhhhh ah.
a girl said a photo of a soda can behind a fence in a pile of rocks made her feel "sad."
sad. i feel embarassed that i can sympathize with a soda can, but ease so comfortably into shelter from being exposed to photojournalism from around the world that encompasses living sadness a whole. why does it matter whether something should be considered art if it really just boils down to just useless, meaningless poo poo? art can be used to change the world. it can easily become so self glorifying and pretentious. what is this i don't even
i want to be taught to be real, do real things. i want to do art- but i don't want to just do art for the sake of it.
i just don't know what to do, but i just know i hate spending HOURS looking into experimental/innovative artwork trying desperately to take something meaningful away from it when the entire world around us is full of answers. i just feel so ignorant and useless and ashamed. like i am wasting precious time. i just want to get all this out of the way, finally delve into the technical stuff, and really pray for some sort of direction- i know i want to do either animation or film. i just don't know which or how or under what circumstances and blahbkasbas;dbab. i just want to really glorify god with what he blesses me with. i don't want to stew in my own wisdom and experiences. i want to create things that keep on creating, if that makes sense. i want my art pathway to reach out to others, teach others. i want to love others like Christ loves me, but with my artwork. SOMEHOW idk. i just feel so antsy and irritated at these critiques and discussions about art. i feel we waste so much time and say next to nothing important. whoever disagrees is entitled to their opinion and probably sees this whole ordeal as something completely different. i wish i could see what you saw, but i don't and i don't feel directed (even though this is only the 3rd week of school ughghgh) towards anything i can see past.
i'm just going to keep praying about it. looking at so many other things, i know for sure God wants me here at VCU- for now, at least. especially with Young Life starting, and the fact that i'm going to the number one public art school in the nation for free on the post 9/11 GI bill (as soon as they get their act together).
but my teachers tell me they don't even teach sequential, traditional hand-drawn animation in particular here and that's exactly what i want to do at this juncture.
i just don't know.
i am going to keep doing my best where i am right now, and really just trust that God will lead me to where he wants me to be. i know he will give me strength, peace and patience, and gentleness with my ways when i would normally tear my hair out/scream/cry/give up. he has really made himself evident this so far in my college career- i can't believe how the poop i got through AFO. i am so blessed, and i shouldn't freak out. i know he has everything under control- even if everything i know in my life falls through, i KNOW that even then i will be blessed beyond my understanding because when all else is stripped away, he remains.
he is my purpose, he is my path- i just want to follow him.
a girl said a photo of a soda can behind a fence in a pile of rocks made her feel "sad."
sad. i feel embarassed that i can sympathize with a soda can, but ease so comfortably into shelter from being exposed to photojournalism from around the world that encompasses living sadness a whole. why does it matter whether something should be considered art if it really just boils down to just useless, meaningless poo poo? art can be used to change the world. it can easily become so self glorifying and pretentious. what is this i don't even
i want to be taught to be real, do real things. i want to do art- but i don't want to just do art for the sake of it.
i just don't know what to do, but i just know i hate spending HOURS looking into experimental/innovative artwork trying desperately to take something meaningful away from it when the entire world around us is full of answers. i just feel so ignorant and useless and ashamed. like i am wasting precious time. i just want to get all this out of the way, finally delve into the technical stuff, and really pray for some sort of direction- i know i want to do either animation or film. i just don't know which or how or under what circumstances and blahbkasbas;dbab. i just want to really glorify god with what he blesses me with. i don't want to stew in my own wisdom and experiences. i want to create things that keep on creating, if that makes sense. i want my art pathway to reach out to others, teach others. i want to love others like Christ loves me, but with my artwork. SOMEHOW idk. i just feel so antsy and irritated at these critiques and discussions about art. i feel we waste so much time and say next to nothing important. whoever disagrees is entitled to their opinion and probably sees this whole ordeal as something completely different. i wish i could see what you saw, but i don't and i don't feel directed (even though this is only the 3rd week of school ughghgh) towards anything i can see past.
i'm just going to keep praying about it. looking at so many other things, i know for sure God wants me here at VCU- for now, at least. especially with Young Life starting, and the fact that i'm going to the number one public art school in the nation for free on the post 9/11 GI bill (as soon as they get their act together).
but my teachers tell me they don't even teach sequential, traditional hand-drawn animation in particular here and that's exactly what i want to do at this juncture.
i just don't know.
i am going to keep doing my best where i am right now, and really just trust that God will lead me to where he wants me to be. i know he will give me strength, peace and patience, and gentleness with my ways when i would normally tear my hair out/scream/cry/give up. he has really made himself evident this so far in my college career- i can't believe how the poop i got through AFO. i am so blessed, and i shouldn't freak out. i know he has everything under control- even if everything i know in my life falls through, i KNOW that even then i will be blessed beyond my understanding because when all else is stripped away, he remains.
he is my purpose, he is my path- i just want to follow him.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
ohfbfbfbfbbd
interesting day, long, long day. have done nothing for school but i got closer/reconnected with some aletheia friends and hung out with this awesome freshman interested in doing Young Life named Camille. i am sickeningly tired after making a huge dinner and watching princess mononoke at the guys' house. i felt bad cos i was so tired - i probalby shouldn't even have gone urgh.
must animate tomorrowww. even though i want to have lunch with KT and go to the YL bbq- but i think i'm a bit pooped out from that.
sounds stupid and in my heart i know this isn't for self centered reasons but i really wish i was close with someone in YL who was as spiritually mature as the people at Aletheia. the people at aletheia are so ready to serve, and really ask god to mold them and strip their worldly selves away completely so that christ the forefront of their words, actions, thoughts. i want to be that way. idk ikdidkidkiddk blah i have to sleep. getting weird bibi
must animate tomorrowww. even though i want to have lunch with KT and go to the YL bbq- but i think i'm a bit pooped out from that.
sounds stupid and in my heart i know this isn't for self centered reasons but i really wish i was close with someone in YL who was as spiritually mature as the people at Aletheia. the people at aletheia are so ready to serve, and really ask god to mold them and strip their worldly selves away completely so that christ the forefront of their words, actions, thoughts. i want to be that way. idk ikdidkidkiddk blah i have to sleep. getting weird bibi
yay
Yes, God, you are so beautiful.
the past two messages i have gotten from my parents:
my dad, "I love my beautiful daughter!!!"
and my mom, "I love you for your holy boldness. You are like Joan of Arc! I am soooo proud of you!"
seriously both made me nearly cry. i am so blessed to have parents who love me, i seriously don't deserve it at all. i also take for granted how supportive they are when i'm in ART school. for serioussss. :(
i'm taking a freshman girl in YL named Camille to church with me tomorrow and i am mucho excited! i wanted to go to bed at 11, but we ended up staying longer than i had planned at the guys' house watching arrested development and playing apples to apples , waiting for josh to turn 21 at midnight. then i gave in to a taco bell run with hannah and nan then went back to our apartment and talked for a while with nicole. (i am seriously overwhelmed by the number of amazing, hilarious, dynamic and beautiful people i am surrounded by every day here) then when i thought i was going to bed around 3, i started feeling nuts and started cutting my hair. i had/and still have NO IDEA what i want to do with it argh. but i cut the left side awkwardly super short, and then my bangs are still really thinck and weird on one side and it is considerably thicker on that side as well- it is thinner in the back and at a point rather than straight across.
anyway my hair is like a really weird greasiness right now so i won't really be able to see how it panned out til the morning haha. but i don't think this was a very good idea hahah. it looked pretty good for a while and then i just lost it urgh. i think i know what i want now, now that i pooped up my hair and now it's super short in places that should be long for what i wanted hahah. but it will be okay. this is the natural process i looove but can so easily get carried away with haha. i need more waxxxx.
yay so it's 4;30 now haha. well, God definitely made awesome use of my time. I love that about him, I want to learn to submit to that more.
the past two messages i have gotten from my parents:
my dad, "I love my beautiful daughter!!!"
and my mom, "I love you for your holy boldness. You are like Joan of Arc! I am soooo proud of you!"
seriously both made me nearly cry. i am so blessed to have parents who love me, i seriously don't deserve it at all. i also take for granted how supportive they are when i'm in ART school. for serioussss. :(
i'm taking a freshman girl in YL named Camille to church with me tomorrow and i am mucho excited! i wanted to go to bed at 11, but we ended up staying longer than i had planned at the guys' house watching arrested development and playing apples to apples , waiting for josh to turn 21 at midnight. then i gave in to a taco bell run with hannah and nan then went back to our apartment and talked for a while with nicole. (i am seriously overwhelmed by the number of amazing, hilarious, dynamic and beautiful people i am surrounded by every day here) then when i thought i was going to bed around 3, i started feeling nuts and started cutting my hair. i had/and still have NO IDEA what i want to do with it argh. but i cut the left side awkwardly super short, and then my bangs are still really thinck and weird on one side and it is considerably thicker on that side as well- it is thinner in the back and at a point rather than straight across.
anyway my hair is like a really weird greasiness right now so i won't really be able to see how it panned out til the morning haha. but i don't think this was a very good idea hahah. it looked pretty good for a while and then i just lost it urgh. i think i know what i want now, now that i pooped up my hair and now it's super short in places that should be long for what i wanted hahah. but it will be okay. this is the natural process i looove but can so easily get carried away with haha. i need more waxxxx.
yay so it's 4;30 now haha. well, God definitely made awesome use of my time. I love that about him, I want to learn to submit to that more.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
oh my god
please, please listen to all of these. just close your eyes for a while, this is what music was meant to be. i could die
this guy subscribed to me on youtube i have no idea why he is the #12 most subscribed to person in australia or something and has almost 50,000 subscribers haha but i think he subs to a lot of people who are mediocre but passionate players, which is really nice i think. instrumental music, instrumental guitar is so so beautiful, it is so powerful and there are no words. it is so unlike anything else and i love it. i haven't listened to new music in soo long and i don't even really have a music taste anymore. i do still really like punkish stuff and indie stuff and whatever but really i just don't listen to anything at all. but it's weird because i have just been so drawn to lute music, instrumental guitar, saloon music, big band/swing, piano, etc, blah, balbhablah, whatever. i like this change a lot. lyrics have become so trite.
i hear hannah singing in the shower and it makes me happy yay
alflskdflafj
i am so easily fixed, but still so easily broken.
god, i just want to stay where you are. i just need encouragement, i need you, i need your love and your peace and your wisdom. i don't know what i am supposed to want, what direction to head towards.
and i don't know if i should override into this comm arts drawing classs auahaghghgh like 6 hours of drawing homework poo poo. should i try to believe that i'm going to use all of my free time wisely or should i make myself as busy as possible? i don't know if i will like completely fall apart either way auaghasdhfa;sdfasdlfadsfasldfl;ahsglaksdhlfasdfasldhfags. i don't know.
i want my mommy, i want my daddy, i want my brothers, i want my pillow and my bed and my comfort and my happiness and my ignorance and i hate it. why is it so easy to be so stupid?
i just want to come home to someone who is happy to see me :/
this guy subscribed to me on youtube i have no idea why he is the #12 most subscribed to person in australia or something and has almost 50,000 subscribers haha but i think he subs to a lot of people who are mediocre but passionate players, which is really nice i think. instrumental music, instrumental guitar is so so beautiful, it is so powerful and there are no words. it is so unlike anything else and i love it. i haven't listened to new music in soo long and i don't even really have a music taste anymore. i do still really like punkish stuff and indie stuff and whatever but really i just don't listen to anything at all. but it's weird because i have just been so drawn to lute music, instrumental guitar, saloon music, big band/swing, piano, etc, blah, balbhablah, whatever. i like this change a lot. lyrics have become so trite.
i hear hannah singing in the shower and it makes me happy yay
alflskdflafj
i am so easily fixed, but still so easily broken.
god, i just want to stay where you are. i just need encouragement, i need you, i need your love and your peace and your wisdom. i don't know what i am supposed to want, what direction to head towards.
and i don't know if i should override into this comm arts drawing classs auahaghghgh like 6 hours of drawing homework poo poo. should i try to believe that i'm going to use all of my free time wisely or should i make myself as busy as possible? i don't know if i will like completely fall apart either way auaghasdhfa;sdfasdlfadsfasldfl;ahsglaksdhlfasdfasldhfags. i don't know.
i want my mommy, i want my daddy, i want my brothers, i want my pillow and my bed and my comfort and my happiness and my ignorance and i hate it. why is it so easy to be so stupid?
i just want to come home to someone who is happy to see me :/
Friday, August 27, 2010
babby in collage
desc:
orpbghhb. i have had those same strings for over a year now, i must change them. but i just got my classical guitar back and i wrote dis sawng ahbabhababa. my neighbor was walking up to the attic/his apartment in the middle of it, and i have never seen them before so i got mildly terrified hurrr.
once again i wish i knew how to record the harmony to this because it makes it :'( sad day. i will have final cut soon ho ho oh oh.
also the chords are the same as where is my mind by the pixies (also i am wearing a pixies shirt), which goes along witht he second line of the song. i'm a poop.
orpbghhb. i have had those same strings for over a year now, i must change them. but i just got my classical guitar back and i wrote dis sawng ahbabhababa. my neighbor was walking up to the attic/his apartment in the middle of it, and i have never seen them before so i got mildly terrified hurrr.
once again i wish i knew how to record the harmony to this because it makes it :'( sad day. i will have final cut soon ho ho oh oh.
also the chords are the same as where is my mind by the pixies (also i am wearing a pixies shirt), which goes along witht he second line of the song. i'm a poop.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
i call; you answer
i'm putting too much energy into trying to put a name to the way i've been feeling lately. unproductive, kind of sad, kind of confused, kind of discouraged. lots of poop that i've been stressing about but doing nothing in particular to fix. also, classes start on thursday-it is tuesday night.
i have 6 people wanting me to cut their hair, which is awesome. one is coming for their second hair cut, another is coming for their third. I'M GETTIN THE HANG OF HTHIS YEAH
i need a hug, i want to be vulnerable, i want my mommy.
i have 6 people wanting me to cut their hair, which is awesome. one is coming for their second hair cut, another is coming for their third. I'M GETTIN THE HANG OF HTHIS YEAH
i need a hug, i want to be vulnerable, i want my mommy.
Monday, August 16, 2010
deeer park
everything is stupid. i want guidance and peace and rest and and and i wish i knew what it was like to be you/ whether it is lonely or fantastic blahablalbhablhablhabhlabalhba
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
RIP
RIP grandpa stutzriem. :( so sadlasdfkasd
today was rough- too tired to get into it but long story short i love, love love my dad.
dan might have cancer he has to go to the doctorsss arasglhsdfa.
and indigo's dad is dyingggg .
everything is so sad and terrible. i'm so blessed to have a savior and a comforter and guidance in the holy spirit.
i am reading the story of joseph in genesis. der. i drew this. hurrr
today was rough- too tired to get into it but long story short i love, love love my dad.
dan might have cancer he has to go to the doctorsss arasglhsdfa.
and indigo's dad is dyingggg .
everything is so sad and terrible. i'm so blessed to have a savior and a comforter and guidance in the holy spirit.
i am reading the story of joseph in genesis. der. i drew this. hurrr
Saturday, August 7, 2010
two lefts don't make a wrong
going to bed at 11pm in august
hahahabhabhhHABHABHAHAHAHBAHBA UNHEARD OF
jk it is only almost 9pm in colorado and i am about to dieee.
i'm in a hotel room. in a hotel it is okay to feel like you are not at home. i don't feel ready to sleep in our house :/
leaving my house in colorado is still a fresh wound and i don't want to have to plant myself into a whole new house less than 20 hours later. ughahbahbhg.
i love and miss ciera and meleia and crissa and cassandra. they were all my summer loverz. i am seriously so, so blessed. i don't know what to do with all this love. i am so full of love right now at the end of this amazing summer, but have also caught the scent of fear, nervousness, discouragement. but i swear i know with all my hear that if i trust in Him to make it all work for his greater purpose, he will take all this uncertainty from me and turn it into something that glorifies him. i just need to take advantage of the opportunities that he gives to me. fo reealz. is it possible to be so nervous, but so confident at the same time? idkidkdidk. i just know SOMETHING amazing will come of this year just because i have been so blessed to have my heart molded in a way that i feel determined to place my whole heart in God's hands, so that he will do anything he wants with it.
it is tough facing tomorrow because of the little things. but i should count the little things lost as blessings i may enjoy while i can, but when they are gone, i do not cling to them. it's just sad because some of those little things include stuff like making my mom laugh and watching my little brother grow up into a teenager. sad. eghgh.
oh and did i mention i have this stupid festering love for stupid stupid sptuid psutpsid psutpsdtuapbababab. I JUST WANT BACK IN YO HEAD.
hahahabhabhhHABHABHAHAHAHBAHBA UNHEARD OF
jk it is only almost 9pm in colorado and i am about to dieee.
i'm in a hotel room. in a hotel it is okay to feel like you are not at home. i don't feel ready to sleep in our house :/
leaving my house in colorado is still a fresh wound and i don't want to have to plant myself into a whole new house less than 20 hours later. ughahbahbhg.
i love and miss ciera and meleia and crissa and cassandra. they were all my summer loverz. i am seriously so, so blessed. i don't know what to do with all this love. i am so full of love right now at the end of this amazing summer, but have also caught the scent of fear, nervousness, discouragement. but i swear i know with all my hear that if i trust in Him to make it all work for his greater purpose, he will take all this uncertainty from me and turn it into something that glorifies him. i just need to take advantage of the opportunities that he gives to me. fo reealz. is it possible to be so nervous, but so confident at the same time? idkidkdidk. i just know SOMETHING amazing will come of this year just because i have been so blessed to have my heart molded in a way that i feel determined to place my whole heart in God's hands, so that he will do anything he wants with it.
it is tough facing tomorrow because of the little things. but i should count the little things lost as blessings i may enjoy while i can, but when they are gone, i do not cling to them. it's just sad because some of those little things include stuff like making my mom laugh and watching my little brother grow up into a teenager. sad. eghgh.
oh and did i mention i have this stupid festering love for stupid stupid sptuid psutpsid psutpsdtuapbababab. I JUST WANT BACK IN YO HEAD.
Friday, August 6, 2010
a glass can only spill what it contains
all done packing. i am too sad to sleeep. because when i wake up i will have to say bye to my home :( my bed, my sheets, the color of my room, the neat closet i haven't touched since i moved into this house.
i will get ovar it soon i'm sure. pray for my family plz
i will get ovar it soon i'm sure. pray for my family plz
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Anne Rice "I Quit Being a Christian"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/29/anne-rice-i-quit-being-a_n_663915.html?ref=fb&src=sp
I’m not sure how i feel about this. i know that what she means is to renounce the history of hypocritical christians and “organized” christianity because it has become so corrupt and terrible at times, and i guess that’s noble but what it sounds like is she is trying to just follow christ on her own- but that means she is also denying the call to be apart of the body of christ- she is making herself and ember away from the flame, ya know. and i feel like it is all a way to refuse the hypocrisy and corruptness of “religion” but i feel like it is extremely important to identify as a “christian” but to also identify as a “sinner.” she doesn’t have to deny the church- she can just simply admit that we are all at fault, we are all sinful before God, and we are only purified and transformed through jesus christ.
instead of running away from being named as a “christian” i think she should just try to live her life in light of what Christ has done, and prove to other people that only when he works in us, our sinful nature becomes transparent.
I almost feel as though if you feel like an “outsider” in the christian community, you should check your heart and ask God to show you why- are you not conforming to the body of christ, or do you feel as though your christian community is making you feel like an outsider because you do not conform to their own standards? if that is the case, which it has been for me and for many, many christians who have felt turned off to “religion” because of the behavior of its followers, you should count it as a blessing. but i don’t think you should run away from the church - i think you should pray and pray that you would become a light in that community, that people would see your witness of jesus’ love in your life, that you ARE an outsider, that you ARE different, and that you are passionate for what sets you apart from the world, ya know.
i also understand her stance on refusing to be “anti-life, anti-feminist, anti-humanity” etc etc, and i agree that as christians we are called to strive after the likeness of Christ- we are NOT called to mimic God the Father- we are not called to the duty of judgement. however, we are obligated to search our own hearts and to trust in god that he is righteous and even when we do not understand his ways and his thoughts that are so unlike our own. i think that lots of christians become misguided by certain commandments in the bible- things such as women submitting to their husbands, and homosexuality being a sin. but we shouldn’t blindly extend a self righteous arm of judgement to those who struggle with these things, but we also shouldn’t belittle or be ashamed of God’s righteousness and his commandments- i believe with all my heart that God’s commandments are out of LOVE, and thankfully in his faithfulness he has brought me to places where i can see the love in some of his confusing standards. specifically those two things, submission in marriage and homosexuality as a sin. i won’t get into that in this note, but if we ask god to provide to us wisdom and zealousness to pursue knowledge, and we act upon it, he will answer us in our struggles. but we must have faith that he is good, he is righteous, and that we want to understand his righteousness, when our human understanding prevails in our mind.
we shouldn’t hate those who do not know jesus, or people who do know jesus and continue in a lifestyle of sin. but we can recognize God’s righteousness over our own, and pray that in ourselves and others that it would be revealed. but not only that- but that because of Jesus we are forgiven, and not only that, but we are LOVED.
yeah ok yes. those are my two centz
I’m not sure how i feel about this. i know that what she means is to renounce the history of hypocritical christians and “organized” christianity because it has become so corrupt and terrible at times, and i guess that’s noble but what it sounds like is she is trying to just follow christ on her own- but that means she is also denying the call to be apart of the body of christ- she is making herself and ember away from the flame, ya know. and i feel like it is all a way to refuse the hypocrisy and corruptness of “religion” but i feel like it is extremely important to identify as a “christian” but to also identify as a “sinner.” she doesn’t have to deny the church- she can just simply admit that we are all at fault, we are all sinful before God, and we are only purified and transformed through jesus christ.
instead of running away from being named as a “christian” i think she should just try to live her life in light of what Christ has done, and prove to other people that only when he works in us, our sinful nature becomes transparent.
I almost feel as though if you feel like an “outsider” in the christian community, you should check your heart and ask God to show you why- are you not conforming to the body of christ, or do you feel as though your christian community is making you feel like an outsider because you do not conform to their own standards? if that is the case, which it has been for me and for many, many christians who have felt turned off to “religion” because of the behavior of its followers, you should count it as a blessing. but i don’t think you should run away from the church - i think you should pray and pray that you would become a light in that community, that people would see your witness of jesus’ love in your life, that you ARE an outsider, that you ARE different, and that you are passionate for what sets you apart from the world, ya know.
i also understand her stance on refusing to be “anti-life, anti-feminist, anti-humanity” etc etc, and i agree that as christians we are called to strive after the likeness of Christ- we are NOT called to mimic God the Father- we are not called to the duty of judgement. however, we are obligated to search our own hearts and to trust in god that he is righteous and even when we do not understand his ways and his thoughts that are so unlike our own. i think that lots of christians become misguided by certain commandments in the bible- things such as women submitting to their husbands, and homosexuality being a sin. but we shouldn’t blindly extend a self righteous arm of judgement to those who struggle with these things, but we also shouldn’t belittle or be ashamed of God’s righteousness and his commandments- i believe with all my heart that God’s commandments are out of LOVE, and thankfully in his faithfulness he has brought me to places where i can see the love in some of his confusing standards. specifically those two things, submission in marriage and homosexuality as a sin. i won’t get into that in this note, but if we ask god to provide to us wisdom and zealousness to pursue knowledge, and we act upon it, he will answer us in our struggles. but we must have faith that he is good, he is righteous, and that we want to understand his righteousness, when our human understanding prevails in our mind.
we shouldn’t hate those who do not know jesus, or people who do know jesus and continue in a lifestyle of sin. but we can recognize God’s righteousness over our own, and pray that in ourselves and others that it would be revealed. but not only that- but that because of Jesus we are forgiven, and not only that, but we are LOVED.
yeah ok yes. those are my two centz
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
The Only Exception
so i have always really disliked paramore. and i still don’t like their music, but i recently heard the song, “the only exception” and it is definitely different from their usual music. that song really really got me- the bit in the beginning about her mom and dad (regardless whether it from truth or not- it probably is, i won’t doubt her) i really understood in regards to being solidly content with being alone, until one person comes along and breaks this philosophy you have always depended on- proves to you that sometimes there are exceptions- exceptions you are willing to make despite your pride and your fear. i think that if this song really was from her heart then i really commend her for it.
especially as a christian, but mostly because of my own jadedness and alternate interests, i struggle a lot with appreciating romance, taking it seriously, enjoying it (i mean this mostly in the context of music) because i just feel like so much of it is fleeting and circular in its thrills and let-downs. i’m not trying to be like OH I’VE NEVER LOVED… I’LL NEVAR LOVE…
what the rest of the summer brought me to believe:
the long lasting love i’ve longed for truly does rest in jesus christ and i seriously could never even think to ask, or EXPECT anything-anyone else. the older i get (i feel exasperated as i say this) the more i believe that if anyone else did come in to the picture i would just feel so overwhelmingly blessed- so overloaded with something i know i never deserved. romance isn’t something for me right now, but in the future if God placed it on my heart to be in love i would hope that my relationship with this person would be nothing but for his glory. i can’t think of anything else that would just make my heart burst, explode with joy and a desire to just throw it all back at God, knowing i am undeserving. he continues to overflow my cup, and i try to give it back to him knowing i am so unworthy. so it’s just a never ending amazing beautiful food fight between me and God but with wine. with blessing. the blood of jesus that is poured out for me in selfless love.
i seriously feel overwhelmed with saying all this. i know that thankfully in God’s faithfulness, he has blessed me by molding me into a person who desires to learn to desires him over other people - i prayed for this in the beginning of the summer, because someone who seems like one of those “exceptions” really inspired me to do the opposite of chase and hope and cry over having no one tangible in my arms, and truly just embrace the only beautiful, unfailing, unconditional love that God has chased after me with, and let me in to through Jesus Christ. i am so unfaithful, so dirty, so unworthy of any love at all. but jesus forgives me and forgives me and forgives me and treats me like none of it ever happened. he loves me despite it all, he choses to give me a clean slate. it is only because of his love for me that i am able to love ANYONE in this world, and God, i thank him so much for it. because love is real, and God didn’t mean for us to be alone, even though when i stray from him i feel as though becoming hardhearted in my lonesomeness is the only way to be strong, to stand up in a world where i am pulled to so many destructive, dishonest, but very seductive suitors- the sin that i hide in and trust in more than jesus when i am so unbelieving that his grace is enough. because he is so unlike me in his spirit…. it is hard to submit wholeheartedly. but he really does just love me so much, he keeps no record of my wrongs and embraces me even after i’ve indulged in so much. i want him to make my spirit more like his- and he has. this summer i really do trust that he has transformed me in ways that i still can’t see and i am so, so, so unbelievably thankful. this love that i feel is beyond anything of this world and i wouldn’t trade it for anything.because of his love i can love, and i do.
some of you know (my invisible audience), that i have struggled this summer with the concept of a father figure, and it has killed a lot inside me. but God….God really has taken everything that has been ripped away from me by this world, by the sinful nature of men and women, by the sinful nature of myself and my seductive, hateful fear- and he has replaced it with this neverending, eternal, beautiful, magnificent love that is absolutely unlike anything that this world offers. i no longer have to search and weep and hurt, because he has taken me and shown me that he is real, that he is the way, the truth and the life that i have been aimlessly walking in circles in this world to find in places and people that are really just all the same, all exactly like me. incomplete and broken.
he has healed me, and he continues to strengthen me.
i am overwhelmed by the blessing of so, so many beautiful people who are “exceptions.” i don’t want to be wary of who i let into my life anymore- i don’t want people to just be exceptions. i want to love like he loves me, unconditionally, passionately, forever.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. 18There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
19We love because he first loved us.
1 John 4:16-19
Sunday, August 1, 2010
mirror
i'm officially over all this, and thank God.
but here's a stupid angsty song about it all anyways
Friday, July 30, 2010
poop scoop
i want you to sieze me, look me in the eye, and convince me you're real. until then, you do not exist and i will be okay with that. life goes on, my life hauls on proudly without you. i don't need you, but if you do, in fact exist then i welcome you humbly into my life as a blessing i do not deserve in the least.
NEED A HURR CUT
WELL HOWDY DOODY
i have cut 3 other people's hair besides seen here that i unfortunately do not have photos of.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
everything in my body says "no."
my mind and my heart have been a bit askew ever since i learned a certain name.
as much rage as i feel, god has been faithful in my dispair and has been able to settle me down and remind me that we all commit infidelity everyday in our marriage to christ as the church. what right to i have to want to destroy every damn precious thing in her life when God has overflowing, eternal grace on me when i am just as apathetic and preferably ignorant to my own unfaithfulness?
my hatred of men and women is my most difficult, most seductive struggle of infidelity that i have come to indulge in everyday now.
i hate them so much because in this world, i feel so overwhelmed- that they expect me to play along in their disgusting, pathetic, dishonest, hopeless, childish act for the sake of such a fleeting pleasure that ends up destroying whatever is left of us.
it is a difficult thing to let God take my hate and turn it to love for them. I just feel so safe and wise in my hatred, but really i am just digging myself deeper into a less-commonly-induldged sort of foolishness.
but i want to let him transform this part of me. i don't want it anymore cos i can see all it does is make me dwell on what hurts me most. i want the love, the healing, the only truly transforming, loving, wise response to a world like this. I want his spirit in me. I want to love him.
I want to love her.
yeah well, here's a tegan and sara cover derp derp
Monday, July 26, 2010
nothing's that serious
derp. i have so many half finished songs cos my inspirations keep running out on me, become too vast, or god just flat out solves my problems. i don't rely on music too much, at least i don't think i do, but i think it's becoming more therapeutic now for some reason, idk. but here is something i started writing but haven't finished. i wish i could record a harmony over this video cos it makes it sounds super prettayyy
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
speaking of which
2 nights ago:
Chase Beaucanon i had a dream that i had an weird steel african baby jesus sculpture the size of my hand and i got it after this like post apocolyptic thing happened and like everyone's lives were different. cillian murphy worked at the grocery store and i creepily stood like 3 feet away from him at his seat at the front of the store, in one hand i held the baby jesus sculpture and in the other hand i was eating pizza, just staring very intensely at him and for a while he ignored me but then he just turned around and stared back at me for liek 10 minutes straight until finally he was like ok fine i will become american. then he made me BLT sandwich and in the park he gave it to mean and i flipped out cos i guess it was his way of proposing to me in my dream and i ate half of it and while half of it was inmy mouth i tried kissing him with like mayo and bacon all over my face and he finally let mewhy can't this be real life
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